A Bit Clerky
Applejack sat silently behind what was temporarily referred to as “her” desk. She was typically a rather talkative pony, but the combination of events that led up to this very moment in time might have even been enough to silence Pinkie Pie. Such a thing was normally thought of as impossible, but Applejack was nearly certain that this turn of events would have left her thoroughly flummoxed. As long as nopony referred to her as being flummoxed, at least. The moment Pinkie heard the word “flummoxed” would have also been the moment that her silence was replaced with raucous laughter.
A hoof toyed with the stress ball–stress apple, rather–that sat upon the desk. That was the only adornment that didn’t belong to the desk’s real owner. It was the only thing that didn’t make her feel utterly out of place, and as such, there was barely a moment where she wasn’t in contact with it. Familiarity usually helped to alleviate one’s mood in otherwise unfamiliar territory, but it really wasn’t helping enough, cute and fun as it was.
Applejack was a workhorse. She belonged on the fields, working with trees and crops. Getting her to moonlight as a teacher was a feat in itself, but at least with that, she could lean on the fact that what she was teaching was something with which she was well-acquainted. Her attunement to the Element of Honesty was qualification enough for teaching courses about that very topic. This job, though? She was completely unqualified and unprepared for everything that it entailed. She had been asked to do it as a favor, though, and good old dependable Applejack was not one to turn down a friend in need unless there was literally no way for her to help. And being as there was a way for her to help...well, here she was.
Clerk Applejack. What a concept. And that wasn’t even the strangest thing about the current situation.
“I said, I need to apply for a loan.”
Applejack was snapped out of her distraction by the sound of the voice coming from the other side of the desk. She knew full well that the School of Friendship was more than welcoming of all creatures, not just ponies. She was more than willing to help those in need, no matter what type of creature they happened to be. Dragons, griffins, yaks, changelings, hippogriffs...it rarely mattered to Applejack. The changeling was the only one that gave her even the slightest bit of pause due to her history with them, but they had reformed long before sweet little Ocellus had come knocking on the school’s door. In front of her at this very moment was another creature in need. It shouldn’t have been an issue.
Diamond dogs were another story.
Not that Applejack didn’t think it was possible for a diamond dog to be good. That would have been a terrible thing to think. But it stood to reason that the only encounter she’d had with a diamond dog prior to this one had involved them trying to enslave her and her friends. Regardless, it was unfair of her to hold that over this particular diamond dog’s head, so she did her best to ignore it.
“Yes, I heard the first time,” Applejack responded, offering the dog a tight, but genuine smile. “It’s just that...I mean, it’s not something I’ve had experience dealing with before.”
“Aren’t you a clerk?” the dog asked. It was clear from the curious look and the tone of his voice that he hadn’t meant it in a confrontational manner, but the verbiage still lent itself to that implication.
“Not usually!” Applejack shot back. “I’m just filling in for a friend...but that’s really neither here nor there, mister...uh...”
She froze, sweat beading on her brow as she realized that in her uncertainty, she’d forgotten to ask for the dog’s name.
“Pebble Paw,” the dog responded.
“Yes, of course,” Applejack said, breathing a sigh of relief once she saw that he wasn’t offended by her faux pas. “You see, Mr. Paw...can I call you Pebble?”
“Can I call you Applejack?” Pebble asked. The pony’s head tilted in confusion.
“Uh...yeah, that’s my name,” Applejack answered. “So...yes!”
“And Pebble is my name!” Pebble told her. “So yes!” A playful smile crossed his face, and for the first time in the entire encounter, Applejack felt a chunk of the tension ebb away. The dog really did seem to have a charming demeanor now that he was given the chance to show it.
“Right, Pebble,” Applejack said, giving him a grin. “So as I was saying, I’m just not accustomed to dealing with loans. I know there’s a list of qualifications that Headmare Twilight put together to decide who’s entitled to what and why, and I know she told me that she wanted me to read them over...”
“And you didn’t?” Pebble asked. The dog was very fortunate to have such a pleasant and curious personality, because some of these questions would have really rubbed Applejack the wrong way if they’d been said with a slightly different intonation. Tact was a part of friendship, so the reason for his enrollment was becoming more and more obvious.
“I read some of it!” Applejack said, blushing lightly. “But between the work on the farm and prepping to teach classes...”
“You sound like a very busy mare, Applejack,” Pebble said, his left paw scratching at the gray fur on his right. “You seem to understand the meaning of hard work. Surely you’d understand how somepup like me can have the desire to work hard, but not the means. That’s why I need this loan. You understand, right?”
“Oh, of course,” Applejack responded. “I do understand, and I want to help, but there’s rules for this kind of thing...”
“Did I mention I have family who works in the school?” Pebble asked.
Applejack narrowed her eyes, looking the dog up and down for any sign of dishonesty, because something certainly didn’t add up here.
“Is that so?” the mare asked, raising a single brow. “And who might that be?”
“Pinkie Pie,” Pebble responded.
At least he picked somepony who Applejack could almost believe. If there was anypony who could manage to do something impossible, it was Pinkie.
“How’s that?” Applejack asked simply.
“Actually, I’m more related to her sister Maud,” Pebble said. “You see, her pet Boulder is my father.”
“...Pardon?”
Applejack was pretty sure she’d heard it all before today. Apparently, she was mistaken.
“Boulder is my father,” Pebble repeated, as if repeating it would help it make more sense. “He’s a champion mountain tumbler, racing other rocks down hills. He’s great at it due to his mostly round shape, and my mom is a diamond dog who met him years ago and fell for him immediately.”
Applejack’s stare couldn’t have been any more incredulous. This dog had to be lying, but the way he presented his story, ridiculous as it was, seemed so genuine. Either he was an excellent liar, or...no, that had to be it. The alternative was simply impossible, and she didn’t even want to think about how it could have possibly worked. Something about it just made her feel uncomfortable and push her hind legs closer together.
“Ooookay...” Applejack finally responded. Part of her wanted to just tell the dog to leave, but doing so wouldn’t have been very friendly. Maybe he was lying, but that didn’t warrant her being rude to him. She would simply humor him until their meeting was done and then never speak of this again.
“So can I have my loan now?” Pebble asked.
“I...” Applejack stammered, still stymied by his previous story. She shook her head out, then took a deep breath. “You have to understand that this is...kind of a unique situation for me, right?”
“I suppose,” Pebble responded. “But isn’t your school all about inclusivity?”
Applejack sighed inwardly. He had a point. Maybe welcoming him to the school and putting him through her honesty classes would break this lying habit of his.
“Well...” the mare said, tapping a hoof on the table and trying to think of how to continue. “Uh...do you have some form of collateral?”
“Of course!” Pebble answered. Applejack watched as he reached up behind his ear, producing a tiny plastic parasprite figurine. He reached across the table and held it out to Applejack, smiling expectantly.
“...What in the sam hill is this?” Applejack asked, reaching her hoof out regardless.
“It’s my collateral,” Pebble answered.
Applejack had no idea what to say as the bauble fell into her waiting hoof. None of this added up, and she was about 95% sure this situation wasn’t covered in the lists that Twilight had expected her to read–although knowing Twilight, she might have still managed to plan for it somehow.
And then Applejack had her answer.
“Could you...give me a minute?” Applejack asked. “Headmare Twilight’s in the next room, taking care of some paperwork. I’ll consult with her for a spell.”
“Certainly,” Pebble answered, giving Applejack a patient smile as she excused herself from the desk. He certainly was a likable sort. The lying really was a shame.
Twilight had told Applejack not to interrupt her work unless it was important. Even though that sentence sounded rude out of context, she knew Twilight well enough to know that it wasn’t coming from a place of rudeness. As Applejack entered Twilight’s office, she knew that Twilight would consider this to be an important interruption. After all, this was concerning the welfare of a possible student, one who had potential to be an excellent friend as long as he got past that one flaw.
“Twi?” Applejack called, approaching the working mare at her desk. “I got a real doozy for you here.”
“What’s that, Applejack?” Twilight asked, setting her quill down and giving her friend her full attention. “Are you having difficulties taking care of Red Ink’s job while she’s out sick?”
“Well...a bit, to be honest,” Applejack admitted. “I still don’t think I’m cut out for this at all, but this latest one’s really got my knickers in a twist. And I ain’t even wearing ‘em today!”
“Twisted knickers can be problematic,” Twilight concurred as she nudged her paperwork aside. “So what’s the situation?”
“Well...” Applejack started, fully prepared for Twilight to be as baffled as she was. “I’ve got a diamond dog out there at the desk. His name is Pebble Paw. He’s applying for a loan. He says that Maud’s pet rock Boulder is his father, because you see, he was a champion mountain tumbler and his skill at racing downhill made a diamond dog fall for him. And when I asked for collateral, he gave me this thing.” Her hoof reached out and plunked the tiny plastic parasprite on the desk. “What is this, and what do I do about the whole rigamarole?”
Twilight lit her horn up, the left corner of her mouth curled tightly as she inspected the parasprite and considered everything she’d just been told. Applejack couldn’t help but smirk slightly, feeling relieved that she wasn’t the only one confused by what she’d just been told. Even Twilight, the pony who always tried to be prepared for anything that life threw at her, was vexed by this, and that made her feel that much better about not knowing what to say.
Applejack’s relief, however, was short-lived, as Twilight gave a smile and a resolute nod. As if it was the most obvious thing in the world, she gave Applejack the answer to her queries.
“It’s a knick-knack, Applejack! Give the dog a loan! His old man’s a rolling stone!”
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2,000% did not see that coming. Walked right into it like a brick wall after turning a corner. Great story.
As soon as Pebble handed over the figure I started going "No...it couldn't be" but you did it. The ultimate Dad Joke.
The prose shades to purple at the beginning, but it pays off in the end. Good thing it does; the interest rates are killer. Best of luck in the contest.
I'm convinced Pebble is a comedian and convinced Twilight to get along in trolling AJ.
Thought it was gonna be a small loan of a million dollars
The dad joke strike again.
The dad joke strike again.
I have yet to read this, but by the title alone, the last line better be "Knick knack paddy whack give the dog a loan"
9736352
OH THANK GODS
Someone's a Norm McDonald fan
When he pulled out the parasprite, it clicked for me and I saw the punchline coming hehe.
DANGNABIT!
That's a variation on the oldest one in the book.
Ah, puns. Never apologize, never explain. I like it. :)
I was fully expecting the first sentence of the last line, but I admit you got me by continuing on to the second half.
God my autism is acting up, everyone seems to think the joke is hilarious but I don’t understand the reference at all :(
If this wasn’t so funny I would have an enormous urge to clip you one around the ear...
9736696
Ever hear the song, "This Old Man?"
That was almost worthy of Stephen Pastis just for the set up. Now go take your beating from Rat, like a Pony.
Trolololololololololol
Get trolled, AJ!
Knick Knack Paddywack, give a dog a PS4!!!!
(Blame Caddicarus for me think of that instead of the normal one)
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Here’s a Wikipedia article that may help explain it—specifically, look at the last three lines of each stanza.
9736696
The final punchline is wordplay based on a nursery rhyme that goes a little something like "knick knack paddy whack, give a dog a bone, this old man came rolling home."
...
I knew what this was going in.
And yet I'm still headdesking.
Gaaaaaaaaah
i'm sorry is it me or is a lot of these one off stories keep making unrelated premises just to set up for a sudden punchline.
God dammit!
ARGHHHH
I've taken in about three or four of these types of stories and I've come to three conclusions.
1. I hate this story.
2. I hate you.
3. I hate everything that this contest stands for.
Now, if anyone has a list of these contest entries on hand, I need to shelve them so I can see what people more creative than me can come up with.
Please note: Everything above the contest list request is a joke. Please do not take it seriously. I really would like a list for a bookshelf, though.
Amazing how long a lead up some of these have.
*looks at cover*
AJ is bemused.
I actually LAUGHED OUT LOUD at this.
I found this to be funnier than it has any right to be. Good job.
9737189
That is explicitly what a Feghoot is, and there's a Feghoot challenge going on right now. Isaac Asimov was the grandmaster of Feghoots. :D
I spotted the punchline at about the halfway mark. Helps a lot that I'd seen a very similar joke years ago involving the son of Mick Jagger and an Irish bank clerk named Paddy Whack.
9737189
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Both of you may be interested to see the list of Feghoot stories associated with the currently running FimFiction Feghoot Festival
And yep, I saw the punchline to this one coming, but it's still glorious.
Ugh. Have your upvote and be happy about it.
When I started I knew it was headed for a joke and as soon as the figurine came out I had the punchline.
God damn you, threw my phone as soon as I read the punchline. Wasn’t expecting that at all.
OH MY GOD.
You fucker.
You SONVABITCH!
I shoulda known this was part of that damn contest.
Have a like you sonvabitch.
I can appreciate a feghoot once in a while, but I will be so fucking happy when that damn contest is over already.
Take your damn like.
I'm going to curl up in a corner and cry.
The best part is, I know this joke and still didn't see it coming
Oh my lord, Twinkletail...
This was one of the funniest things I’ve ever read on this site, period. You should be proud of yourself, man. For a read on my birthday, this definitely made my day even better.
This is the first time a punchline has flown off the screen and landed on my face with no panties.
9737189
A story in this format is nicknamed a feghoot, after a character called Ferdinand Feghoot who starred in a series of similar shaggy-dog stories by the science-fiction author Reginald Bretnor. It caught on to the point other SF authors such as Isaac Asimov tried their hands at it as well, and it’s become something of a staple. Super Trampoline has sponsored a feghoot contest here on Fimfiction, which is why you’re seeing a sudden rush of such tales.
For a nick-nack, poliwack, give a dog a bone. This old man came rolling home.
I have to admit I didn't get it first, until I realized and want to punch myself for not getting it. You sir, get a upvote from me.
It's gonna take something spectacular to top this one. I bought in 100% even though I knew it was a feghoot.
There are those who would suggest that murder is too good for you.
I find I must disagree. Murder would serve very nicely in my opinion.
Congratulations on getting me to make an audible snicker instead of my accustomed smirk.
Have an upvote, you bastard.