5: The Morning After
Despite being flanked by five of her friends who she knew and trusted best, Twilight clutched both the Mane-Iac’s comic and her notebook close to her chest as she pushed through the door into the dingy little shop. All around were dusty shelves of bric-a-brac, in varieties ranging from used sports equipment, to small stones, claws, or other effects with more occult appearances. Cobwebs filled in the gaps where visible dust and dirt didn’t, creating an overall appearance of not merely neglect, but overt standoffishness toward the customer.
“Eugh,” Rarity said from behind. “Are you sure this is the right place, darling?”
“Smells like a hog crawled in here and made a deposit, then died,” Applejack contributed.
Twilight frowned and glanced back at the other girls. “This is the closest place I could find to Zephyr’s and Mane-Iac’s descriptions. I’m still not sure why it’s here and not on the other side of town, but—”
“Maybe they moved?” suggested Pinkie Pie.
Rainbow Dash scoffed at her. “C’mon, Pinkie; how the heck is a whole shop supposed to just pick up and move? I mean… one that looks like it’s never been cleaned since the turn of the century, anyway.”
“Maybe the turn of the last century,” Fluttershy said, poking a finger at what looked like a pile of small bones on one of the shelves.
“I dunno,” Pinkie said, shrugging. “Maybe it’s got magic too, and it can just move when the owner wants it to?”
The girls’ banter died there, though, as their attention was drawn to heavy footsteps coming from the back of the store. Twilight watched between the shelves as a very tall, very muscular man with dark grey-blue skin, bushy white sideburns, and an equally bushy goatee, made his way up to the front counter.
“Well good afternoon, girls! Welcome to Storm King Comics and Collectibles. You can call me the Storm King, or whatever else works… just don’t call me late to dinner!” He added a chuckle that was… fake. Ingratiating, maybe, but definitely fake.
“Hello, sir,” Twilight said, walking up to the counter. “My friends and I are looking for some information about a comic book that we think might’ve been sold by your shop.”
“All right, well, let’s have a look,” he said, holding out his large hands. Twilight failed utterly to avoid staring at his long fingernails, and at the curly white hair on his knuckles and arms, as she proffered it to him. “Hold on now,” he said, keeping the comic held in his hands. “Do you have your receipt for this?”
Twilight blinked. She looked back at the other girls, who gave her a diversity of shrugs and frowns.
“Oh, girls, I’m sorry,” he said, giving a clearly fake smile. “Unless you have your receipt, all sales are final here at Storm King Comics and Collectibles.”
“N… no, we don’t want to return it,” Twilight said. “We just want to know if this is something you might’ve sold.”
The Storm King shrugged and held his hands out wide—including the one still clutching the comic. “You know what? I’ll tell ya, I get all kinds of things moving in and out of here all the time. This might’ve been one of ’em; it might not’ve been. It’s just really hard to say without that receipt.”
Twilight raised her hand. “Um, yes, but I think you might remember this specific comic—”
“Like I said, girls; all sales are final.” He finally set the comic back down on the counter. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to pricing some new merchandise that just came in.”
“Hold on,” Dash said, shouldering past Twilight. “Quit blowing us off and just gimme a straight answer: did you sell this or not?”
He laughed a little. “Like I said, I’m sorry, you’d have to jog my memory somehow!”
Dash frowned at him. “Oh yeah? Well, how ’bout this?” She reached out and flipped the comic open.
A bound figure with a manic grin stared out from it. “Kingy! Why, it’s so nice to see you again!”
Quick as lightning, the Storm King flipped the comic back closed. Then he sat down slowly onto the stool behind the counter, not making eye contact with Twilight, Dash, or any of the others. Just as slowly, he picked up a large plastic cup of soda that was sitting on the counter, and he took a long pull from its straw.
He swallowed, then exhaled.
“Well, crap.”
And with his free hand, he raised a long, crackling staff up into view from behind the counter. A strong breeze kicked up almost immediately, sending showers of dust and detritus scattering throughout the shop.
“I ain’t goin’ back, girls!” he declared, taking the staff in both hands. It glowed bright-white as he drew it up over his head. “I was lucky enough to get out of Equestria once, even if it wasn’t quite in one piece!” Then he swung the staff back down, and the six of them only just managed to avoid the lightning bolt it discharged.
“Rarity, shields!” Twight shouted, hitting the deck. “Pinkie, Dash, keep him busy! AJ, try to flank—”
Her words were drowned out by a huge peal of thunder.
“I’ll tear this whole world apart before I get sent back!”
And as her friends leapt into action, Twilight fished her cell phone out, and started texting…
Sunset Shimmer’s phone buzzed for at least the third time since she’d laid down on the picnic blanket, letting her head rest on Zephyr’s lap. The sensation of his fingers running through her hair was… overwhelming. Intoxicating. Even if it didn’t bring the same warmth and connection as skin would on skin, it was at least something she didn’t have to worry about. And the absence of worry left room for plenty of enjoyment.
A small moan loosed from her throat.
Her eyes shot open, taking in the sight of a small, satisfied grin on Zephyr’s face. “Magic fingers, babe?”
Sunset closed her eyes again and adjusted her head slightly, letting the feeling just soak right back in. “Y’know, I think I get what the Mane-Iac was on about with this. This isn’t just haircare. This is… oh.”
He chuckled. “Well, don’t get yourself too worked-up, all right? Even though I know The Zephyr certainly can have that effect on all kinds of women.”
She laughed at that, and failed to avoid snorting.
“I just can’t believe I was so stupid about all this,” he said, sighing. “I mean, your hair’s pretty amazing too, Sunny. Who knew, I could’ve just asked if you’d be willing to risk me styling it all along?”
“Absolutely,” she said, close to breathless as his fingers kept working close to—yet tantalizingly far from—her scalp. “Hair grows back.” Her phone buzzed again, but it was almost as forgotten as the PB&J sandwiches that they were ostensibly supposed to be eating.
“Huh,” Zephyr said after a few moments. “Well that’s funny.”
“What’s funny?”
“Well, see, my weather app told me we were gonna have clear, sunny skies all day today. But now look out over at downtown; there’s a big ol’ storm brewing there.”
Sunset’s eyes fluttered open again. She raised herself slightly, craning for a look in the direction Zephyr was pointing.
A massive swirl of dark, menacing clouds roiled over just one very limited portion of downtown. Lightning danced about in the melee, with huge spears of it shooting down at irregular intervals.
“One day,” Sunset said, digging out her phone, and finding she had no fewer than 10 new text messages, three missed calls, and two voicemails—all from the girls, of course. “Why can't I just have one day?”
“Uh oh,” Zephyr said, catching a glimpse of the phone. “What’s shakin’, bacon-hair?”
“You and your cheesy jokes,” she said, rising fully and dusting herself off. “Well, this has been really nice, but I’m afraid the universe still has it in for me.”
He smiled and started reaching to pick up the unclaimed picnic food. “Well honey, don’t you worry; The Zephyr will be right here waiting when you get done saving the world again.”
She smirked, then set off for the parking lot, and her waiting motorcycle.
“Y’know, you look pretty hot when you head out to kick monster butt,” Zephyr called after her.
She turned back, and gave him a blown-kiss and a wink. “You better believe it.”
Soon enough, she was gone in a streak of blazing light and burning rubber, leaving Zephyr to stare in disbelief.
“So not messing this one up,” he said to himself.
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...I haven’t read any of it yet... but based on the movie this fic’s title is based on and knowing how Zephyr is.... if what I think is gonna happen does happen, it would actually fit his character.
So, to start, I’ll say I'm not a fan of the pairing, and I’m sure this story is going to garner a lot of token downvotes due to the controversial pairing.
Now, that being said, I’m impressed with the way this was handled. While I may not agree with the pairing in my gut, the execution is good and the story works. Never am I torn out of it because of thinking that the characters wouldn’t act that way.
So, now for the heart of it: Just because I disagree with Sunset’s choice, only means that I am not Sunset Shimmer. It does not devalue or detract from the fact that she is the one who made that choice, for plausible reasons.
This is a story that illustrates quite well the difference in people’s tolerance for the failings of others. I feel that the up/downvote count is going to reflect a lot on that. There will be a lot of knee-jerk reaction “Zephyr and
mai waifuSunset? NFW!” But there will also be a lot who vote based on the merit of the writing style. I’m hoping there will be more of the latter.9162744
This...All of this. I only have to say I found it remarkably creative, especially with the ending.
Hmmm....
There were some interesting ideas on display here, for sure! But maybe too many? It felt there was a great deal glossed over or not followed through on. The ending didn't reach a resolution, but it also wasn't a cliffhanger, and its 'and the adventure continues!' sort of vibe just made the story feel only half-finished.
The pacing was very strange, too, with the interesting bits of the story being in the last three chapters, yet the first two purely of setup lasted a thousand words longer.
I think this could have been the tale the first couple of chapters suggested it would be, with Sunset slowly realising that sometimes people really aren't worth a chance, whatever their reasons. Or it could have been a very interesting examination of what constituted real, what level of reality was required for a relationship to count as meaningful, and how real a dalliance like this had to be to be considered cheating. It could also have been an adventure about a talking comic book, a link with Equestria, and a despot from another world.
But all together it felt messy, and none of the angles got the weight or focus they needed. There was no followup on Sunset's clash with Fluttershy and Rainbow dash - we saw Rainbow herding the others away, but we never got the closure with Sunset, saw how she felt about it in hindsight, anything like that. The Mane-iac was a huge feature of the story for one and a bit chapters, and that was it. The Storm King being introduced at the end I don't think added anything, really? Would have gone with 'Stormy' rather than 'Kingy,' I think.
Overall I would say that this felt very disjointed and unresolved, and it had the good ideas that could have been made into a unique and interesting story - or perhaps even three. But as it was, I think it was too confused to be satisfying.
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Honestly, these were pretty much my feelings. It was a story that could have benefitted from less strange details and a more unified plot.
I adore the idea of the Storm King as a quirky middle-aged comic salesman, though. It kinda makes me wonder what nerdy profession Tempest would have. A cosplay model, maybe? I feel like she could pull off some really badass costumes.
Well I liked it. Certainly nice to read a story I haven't seen done a dozen different ways.
Quite a good story. It's an interesting look at how Sunset could feel stressed out and want a very low-key guy to date.
9163477 Yeah, Rainbow and Fluttershy kind of surprised me in this a bit. They came off as kind of naive. "Ooh, that teenage guy has a porn collection..." It comes through very clearly that Sunset has dated before, Rainbow and Flutters have not.
I liked a lot of the ideas present here. Sunset being afraid to touch people is... I’m not sure canon-compatible (Have they ever used magic without wearing their necklaces? My assumption had always been that they didn’t have their magic without them, but I could be mistaken), but whatever, it’s cool and different and I think adds a bit to the relationship.
The relationship, though. I think, mainly, I like that you presented it as kind of an early thing, not really too serious yet, at least not on Sunset’s side of things, because I can kinda see her having some fun with Zephyr, but outright romance just doesn’t feel as right. Especially with the rationale you presented in your blog post, with Zephyr being nice and relaxing when Sunset’s not solving magic problems, that just sorta doesn’t feel like romance to me? So, I dunno, I liked how you set them up here early on, but I don’t know if, by the end, I was sold that it was gonna be a lasting, happy thing and stuff.
But then there’s also the Mane-iac portion of the story. Sorry, I had some problems with it. Mainly, I think it just felt waaay too easy. Like, for something with the adventure and drama tags, I’d been kinda hoping that it’d be a much bigger deal, and pretty involved and harrowing either emotionally or physically or something.
It’s set up to be, quite nicely (Equestrian magic sucking someone into another world, the debate of whether someone is really real or not--that’s some awesome stuff to work with), but instead Sunset goes in and pretty much lectures/threatens the Mane-iac into submission. There’s no interesting debate on the murky issue of what’s real, since Sunset seems entirely set in her ways and definitively convinced she’s in the right, so there’s not much emotional/internal struggle there, and since Sunset has the upper hand in that world there’s not much in the way of a more tangible struggle either.
So, sorry to pile on a bit, but I agree with what other people had said. There’s a lot of cool stuff going on here, and I think if you could expand this quite a bit, I think it could be fantastic. Given that you had to keep it pretty short, I think it was a bit ambitious. Which is great to see! It’s really cool to see all the ideas present in one story, and this is certainly one of the more out-there entries I’ve read so far. The first two chapters were actually pretty good, I thought, but that second half stumbled a bit.
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“Movie Magic” establishes the girls can’t use their talents without their pendants.
Sunset: I wish I'd brought mine. One touch and I'd be able to see Chestnut's memories and get to the bottom of this whole thing.
Applejack: Thinkin’ maybe we should all start wearin’ our geodes around. Never know when our new magic might come in handy.
9168255
Thanks, that’s good to know!
... It having been in Movie Magic neatly explains why I didn’t remember it
9169726
Sorry for the big huge group-reply, but this has drawn a lot of comments and I keep not having time to do the proper reply I wanted to... so here's the compromise. 
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Hi all!
First of all, thank you all so much for reading and commenting. Especially thank you to those who are taking the time to point out flaws, inconsistencies, and things that don't work for you. Once the contest is over, I'm planning to go back and give this the final round of editing it needs to live up to its full potential. Some things I'd specifically address:
In the end we're probably talking about a handful of hours to spruce it up. But alas, all that's for after the contest judging is over.
I'll commend Moosetasm and Georg for their editing assistance leading up to release; they're awesome guys, and they made the most of the editing time they had with it. (Oroboro mentioned people submitting at the literal last minute; that was me, baby. 11:59pm central. YEAH.)
But really, this story helped shake loose my cobwebs and get me back on the horse. I got to play with some ideas and characters and themes that've been rattling around my head for a while now. I'm happy with the core concept and I see a path to make it really shine. Getting to that point 24+ hours prior to the submission deadline would've been even better, but sometimes ya writes ya fanfictions and ya takes ya chances.
So thank you once again for checking it out, and here's to the inevitable "remastered" version once the contest is over!
Great stuff overall. I didn't even mind the telepathy issue; the girls' powers may be geode dependent, but the things have considerable range. They did in Legend of Everfree, anyway. I do agree that climax is rushed, but all told, this was an engaging read from start to finish. (Also, Magic: the Gathering has kind of primed me to be receptive to telepath drama, so there's that.
) Thank you for this, and best of luck in the judging.
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So kinda like a comic book?
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Heh, I suppose it's an apt comparison. To me, though, this does reach a conclusion in keeping with the core conflict and what our heroes value in the relationship with each other. Sunset's life remains just as crazy as it ever was, but Zephyr has become more honest and emotionally accessible in addition to being her island of calm in the storm
King. And Sunset is still waaaay outside of Zephyr's league, but he's had a glimpse of what true emotional intimacy with her looks like, and it's inspiring, to say the least.That's how I see it, anyway. Ultimately it's more in the eye of the beholder, though.
wow, just now pieced together you're the same guy who was in that writer's meetup at ciderfest ((i'm the guy who mentioned the titanic mlp crossover in the group), in any case though it is nice to see another person on here who doesn't just see zephyr as an irredeemable character who only deserves suffering. I mean sure he was obnoxious and all, like REALLY obnoxious, but he was also relatable in a lot of ways, and it's a shame so many people just gloss over that and resort to calling him a deadbeat and what not.
might be interested in doing a reading of this sometime too... although i'm such a horrific procrastinator who knows when sometime will actually be
9316644
Glad to see you're checking this one out. And as characters go, Zephyr is a great blank canvas to paint a story on. Does he stay obnoxious? Does he get the chance to become something more? What does he do with the chance once it's presented? All good stuff to explore.
That I am! (Or was!)
Readings are always fabulous!
I still have it on my todo list to revise this story's chapter 3... perhaps we shall have to see who overcomes their procrastination first? 
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very good analysis and all very true, and lol ok, glad to know i'm not the only one, i might just hold off though in that case, or at the very least put off the third chapter, no reason to read a chapter when the author wants to change things
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Well, let me know if you think you'll do it at some specific point. Hopefully I'll be able to fix it first. I'd like to get that done before the end of the year, but I can't commit to much beyond finishing To Serve In Hell at this point... I'm already pushing myself about as hard as I can possibly go with that!
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hmm, well if you have something else you need to get done first i'm totally fine waiting awhile before reading it, after all I don't want to immortalize it in video form when you still have changes you want to make. I just hope the follow feature updates me once the update is made
9318807
It should, at least if I do it right.
Hmm, first, overall, I like it, have an upvote!
I think I detect an attempt at either a new writing style, or a new type of theme, it's not in your usually more comedic oriented style the way "To Serve in Hell" and others are, this one introduces more focus on the serious side of the story (that or I'm so off base with this one that I'm not even in the same ballpark...). As such it has the few minor issues with pacing, weighting, word length, etc. that others who are far more qualified than I am have pointed out. Still, a new writing style will inevitably have some rough edges until you get the hang of it, and that alone should not be a deterrent to trying to do more like this.
I'm not sure, is Zephyr simply meant to be an immature young man with raging hormones, or did he have a specific hair, or maybe even hair care, fetish? I could see it drawing him into that line of work, but providing uncertainty for any future love interest (Sunset in that role is optional) if she ever found out and thus provide a tension for a future story. If you did go with Sunset it could further provide tension as she now has to decide "Do I trust him, or do I secretly wear my geode and touch him to see what he's thinking, and how do I handle what I find if it's not all sunshine and lollipops?" A real life parallel might be a wife/girlfriend tempted to sneak some spy ware on her husband/boyfriend's computer or cell phone. And all this before she actually does something. You could have the beginnings of a whole set of "morality" tales base around Sunset Breeze here, if you aren't careful. Beware!
It will be interesting to watch your future work and see where you go with this new style, again, nice story over all, and thanks for writing it.
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Yes, this was definitely an attempt to tackle something different than my norm. I think it still has some of my usual fingerprints on it, as seen with weird stuff like the Mane-Iac playing the role she’s got here.
But it’s also definitely pushing into some less-familiar territory than what I’ve written before. It raised some questions around physical affection and its role in the early stages of a relationship, which is something I didn’t feel fully comfortable and confident trying to write about. (Which is perhaps ironic given how long I’ve been married.)
The question of whether Zephyr is “just” hormonal, or if he’s exploring a fetish, adds another angle to that.
I think you’re right to point out that things wouldn’t be easy for Sunset and Zephyr from here. Still, the romantic in me hopes that they can turn their struggles into strengths, given that what they struggle with is (in some ways) pretty similar. Both crave touch, but both have something “extra” that comes along with touch, which they’re not fully comfortable with—neither just in themselves, nor in what they would express with others.
Either way, I took a shot at something here, and I think I’m ultimately glad I did—even though I see it didn’t fully hit the mark.
Guh! You cock-blocked my action fix twice! D:
Stop writing Zephyr well, I don't want to like stories about him. >:B
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Thanks for the review!
Best watch yourself or I'll do it again just for spite!
No seriously I've been kicking around a Harold and Kumar parody idea featuring Flash and Zephyr...
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oh god why
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Four words: Escape From Guanotanamo Bay.
Because they're pissing off the bat ponies, see.
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That's funny.
I hate you.
...you actually made me love a crackship without an OC. I wanna read more. Please continue?
Wow, I ship it!
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I know this is one of the weirdest crackships out there, but I’m glad it works to some extent!
Nice!
You're a wizard for creating this crackship into something doable. Sunset would have the tolerance for it, even trying things out for the sake of it as you have built her character well here. Zephyr isn't a total joke character, and you also built him. I cant' say much, but I like this fic alot!
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Thank you so much! I have to say, flawed as it may be, this remains one of my favorite stories that I’ve written. It’s just such a delicious crackship!