- Member Since 29th Jan, 2016
- offline last seen April 20th
Lux Tenebris
Creating stories is the only thing I have left where I feel like I add value to the world.
Lux Tenebris
Joined 29th Jan, 2016 ·
Offline
Sequels2
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Lux Tenebris · 5.1k words · 13 2 · 203 views
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Lux Tenebris · 2.7k words · 16 3 · 210 views
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This story looks interesting, I will be keeping an eye out. I will not rate yet, but it seems promising. I have currently one gripe though, you need an editor. While the grammar isn't as bad as in some other stories, the various typos, misspellings and a few bits of strange sentence structure here and there are what IMHO caused those thumb downs.
Best of luck writing.
actually really like the story, the grammar is a bit iffy but that's alright you might want to get an editor or spell checker other than that I can't wait for the next chapter
8787549
Thank you, I'll try to find an editor yet all I know who can do it for free are way too busy to help
8787892
Thanks, I'll look into getting an editor
You know, a civilized folk might be more predisposed to answer questions when NOT UNCONSCIOUS
. Especially if the other person, unlike you, tried DIPLOMACY first, and even afterwards only defended himself. Moreover, you're abducting the thing/person who saved two of your subjects! 
Phew, now that my ranting over the ponies is over, great chapter! I can't wait to see how you portray Celestia. There is some "righteous" fury to be had over the maimed scout, but eh, maybe your first contact protocol kinda sucked. Can't wait to see them (Celly & Nate) interact, how do they intend to feed him, where do they take him, and how he reacts when he wakes up.
Keep it up, good work!
8818254
I'm getting the chapter edited as I'm writing this comment, hopefully some of my poor grammar will be washed away with the power of edits. Anyway thank you for reading the chapter, it means a lot getting support on my stories ^-^
Thank you
8787549
Oh boye there come I to save the w0rld ;3
Yeah. He probably should have let those ponies die. Too bad the plot demands otherwise.
Should be interesting to see how this story goes from here, especially since this is long before the events of the show.
8823813
Yes the plot will be satisfied with the ocs we sacrifice to it
I usually dislike seeing Celestia portrayed as this harsh, but considering that most of Nathaniel's troubles have been due to Major Fury and the fact that Celestia is paranoid due to this being set in a time not long after Discord's reign, it makes it easier to buy why Celestia seems more unforgiving than her cannon counterpart.
One thing i might ad though, I am okay with Nathaniel becoming friends with Luna considering she is the one whom has helped him the most, but i think that he should not just forgive Celestia right away. He was badly treated by one of her subordinates, was unfairly tried in what could be best described as a kangaroo court and now he is essentially being forced into servitude and all of this because she thought he would be dangerous. If Nathaniel is going to forgive Celestia then it should happen after they do something significant like Nathaniel saving Celestia and she genuinely apologize for her unfair treatment of him. If Celestia releases him from his shackles and tells him he is free to leave than that could be a good moment for Nathaniel to willingly stay in Equestria, thus turning him from a forced servant into a ally and friend of the Princesses.
Or the story could go in a completely different direction, just a suggestion.
8823886
First of all, thank god I spent like 3000 words on building that part of this chapter so one could buy Celestia being a bit different.
Secondly, thank you for reading the chapter, I'm so glad this have gotten positive feedback
Thirdly, Yeah I'm currently thinking about where the story should go from here. He will not be very forgiving at first, especially not to his "mistress". I'm thinking about where they would put him as their servant and I got an idea that can either be great or strange for where they'll put him
8823908
Will look forward to the next chapter then.
Also Nathaniel should be glad that he is in a story where Celestia seems harsher than usual and not in one where she is......more lusty than usual
8823918
Trust me, when I write that oh so common heat chapter he'll be fucking running away, just straight up fleeing the country XD
It's he going to stay a servant until twilight, or will he escape sometime between now and then?
8826276
That depends on where I want this story to go. So far I have an basic idea and some cool set ups but nothing set in stone yet
8827533
Well, if this is gonna be a Celestia bashing fic, then I hope he escapes soon. If not, however, I hope that he comes to befriend the princesses and is let go, but decides to stay anyways.
8827745
We'll see
Tempting fate.
8832761
What do you mean?
8833637
What could go wrong? You said
8834009
Lol yeah, but what else can he do xD
Oh Celly... we will see
Nathan, a slave in all but name...
Ser Nathan Sol the Chained and Bound,
protector of the Lunar crown.
The seeds of distrust have been sown
and his devotion on a loan,
what Sun has scorched the Moon's to mend
or all that is may come to end .
Another chapter, another tangle of conflicts! Yay!
Have that short poem, I'm feeling creative today
8834509
Oh this just has me smiling so much my jaw hurts, thank you Jay
Well Fury is definitely not my favorite character
8839375
The making of Sombra, it seems. Interesting...
What was the quote I commented last time, Celestia? I wonder how quickly will the news spread...
Keep it up!
8839632
Thank you Jay
Another really good chapter, good to see this story getting some well diserved attention now that it has 34 likes.
8847526
Thank you Night
38 likes as of now, let's keep them coming!
Yikes on that warmongering slip. Considering what ponies might have been through themselves and from what we've been told it feels to me the ponies aren't any better than humans in that regard. Especially back then
.
What I think has Luna worried most is the fact that there are almost 10 billion humans. We know only 4-5 known nations on Equus are larger than 1 milion, compare that to the 159 nations on Earth being over that. out of 233 or thereabouts.
I'm stopping here, this comment is getting waaay too long already.
Good job on the chapter, can't wait to see how Nate handles the Gryphons!
[edited formatting]
8848780
Thank you for your encouraging words Jay
Nice Job, although Gryphon king reminds me of a king from another story I read. My thoughts on Sombra is......Sombra likes ya and he wants ya we could do this the easy way or the hard way.
8868470
I'm not sure which king you would be referring to but yeah, Sombra takes what Sombra wants
Hm, and I wonder what would have had happened had Nate tried to read Guto... ...would he have had realized the Idol was sentient? Would he have perceived the deceit? Woud Guto or the Idol notice?...
Also, Discord seems way too wicked, he could have been talking about either Nate, Guto OR Sombra...
On another note, feel free to experiment with chapter length. Take care though, fics like FoE had chapters long enough to be separate novels
. I think this one could have been split into two (4k and 7k or thereabouts) if you wanted to, but this works too, so you do you.
Nice cliffhanger btw, and a Great
chapter!
8868574
Thank you for your continued support Jay
Heh, so that's where those verses went! Writing them like this kinda hides their structure though - and it looks a bit less like a prophecy imo - maybe some formatting got lost along the way?
Oh well, if I'm nitpicking here, I might as well mention the part where Nate asks Luna to cal him Nathan, despite the fact she hadn't named him anything in the previous couple of paragraphs.
Nitpicking (read as feeble attempt at constructive criticism
) aside, the story seems to be progressing nicely. Nate is getting it hard from Luna and other guards with the constant ribbing. He may be stressed by his situation, and he might be way out of his league in more ways than one, but despite all that things are going relatively smoothly for him. Unlike poor little Chrissie 
.
Keep it up!
Really good chapter Lux
By the way, maybe i just forgot, but how does Nathans mark look like?
8891189
It's the protector/protection rune from shadow hunters. I did not know where it came from until someone pointed it out, so it really has nothing to do with Shadow Hunters
8891179
Thank you Jay, and I'll see to that name thing. Your and others support makes this worth it
yeaaa...I don´t blame him for not eathing smushed bugs...
You need an editor. BAD. Also, learn how to use commas for quotes
8891425
Yeah my editor is pretty busy
Ahh. Misinterpretation, and missing the point at its finest.
8892373
What do you mean?
8892565
Celestia at the end. It basically told her ruin will be her fault, and she just ignored it due to her paranoia.
Well, at least it will hopefully be satisfying when Nathaniel saves her ass down the line.
8892576
or watch her burn
...mmm I need some vilain smileys here
I decided to make an account so I could like and favorite and say that I love this story I look forward to future updates, Keep up the great story.
9001468 Thank you kindly sir/madam for your kind words
The darkness looms and rise shall soon,
still unbeknownst to sun and moon.
An evil king, a mage of dark,
both bound by wroth and umbral mark,
both hungry for the world at large
one's armies ready, on the march
while other's yet to claim his throne -
- but both of these winds have been sown,
and whence wind's sown a storm's abrew,
what will befall our motley crew?
Hey there, thanks for another chapter!
I don't know what is it exactly, but somehow the buildup rubs me in just the right ways to inspire poems.
Oh, and you either got better at grammar - or you got an editor. Either way, great job!
Better grammar then xD and thank you for the poem