ROZONROZARK
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He's getting his sword and shield back right?
it seams as though this version of equestria sees its fair share of DISPLACED or inter-dimensional travelers which ever oh the possibilities cant wait to see wat happens nexy
9219038
No its more along the lines of a robbery. But instead of just taking the money or wallet you also send them away. That way they can't call for help. After all how can you call for help if your not even in the city anymore. I also thank you for the comment I'm working hard to get these out as fast as possible for you guys.
9219628
while i commend you for your dedication take you time or you can burn your self out and not want to continue the story also check the displaced community on here for help with anything you might need its one way that your character can evolve along with your story thats how i got help with my own story even tho i still suck at grammer
Lighting walked into one, if i was Oz, i would have said "As long as you are on top you can put me down all you want" XD
intense chapter keep it up
You might want to include a message about cross-overs into your story description, that way people won't bother you about it if you're not readdy for said cross-over.
9219692
Dang it why didn’t I think of that.
9220476
I will open up my story for crossovers in the future. But as of this moment I’m more trying to get the main premise set up and introduce characters. Give me like one or two more chapters. But thank you for the reminder :)
9220689
Good choice. Character growth, world building, and the story's plot comes first.
awesome stuff man
He needs to hit Lightning Dust. Or she needs therapy. I'm leaning on the former.
9231884
You know what say about revenge. It’s best served cold and unexpected like that ice cream you forgot you had.
9231918
You don't know the half of it
neeeeeeeeed moooooooaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr, this is fantastic so i hope you wont give up on it! (despite a few grammar errors.) This is one of the best stories i have on my list right now that are current, for one it doesn't feel like a displaced story in the slightest which is a nice change of pace from the cookie cutter template alot of them follow, ya know... the get sent then get sealed in stone. kinda why i had mine exiled instead. anyway keep up the good work fellow author! I look forward to future updates.
Ok, you should really put in the description that this Equestria is humanized, I assumed it was pony, but then anthro, at last, I realized it is humanized, it should be noted, dude.
9236197
I Thought I had it in the description that this took place in the My Little Mages universe. Sorry for the confusion I'll try to make it more clear and letting me know so that I can correct it. Hopefully this didn't hinder your experience reading my story.
9236177
Thanks for the complement and I don't intend to stop for awhile. If I do it will only be to work on a couple stories I've had on the back burner. To be honest I was kind of worried that this would wind up in the formula so thats why I went with My Little Mages sense I can't think of any other Displaced who have used it. Now if you can excuse me I must now read your stories good sir. *tips hat as runs to your library*
9236220
You put Human in the description, it just refer that there is a human or humans in the story, it does not describe that the ponies are humans, and i dont know the My little mage Universe, so a link to it would help people that doesnt know about it.
9236252
Good thought, do you think I should link to the Group here on Fimfiction or The Devan art Page. Hmm, I'll do both just to be safe. Thanks again for the advice I kind of assumed that most people would know what it was. So once again sorry for the mistake I'll work to fix it as soon as possible.
9236220
lol don't expect fast updates on my stuff, with all the new games coming out in a few months i'll be too busy to write much, on top of family stuff. but i wont stop with what i have going right now.
Wait a minute is it Indigo or Lightning that's playing against Shining armor? Because in the beginning match it was Indigo but near the end it says Lightning.
9236376
Holy crap just checked and it’s missing large parts to I’ll take it down to fix
9236376
Alright fixed chapter 6 is now up hope you enjoy it
Welp, too many errors, I recommend using Microsoft word to check words, or look for an editor, that works too.
9239957
Yeah wrote it on my phone well probably post a edited version soon. I’ll look for an editor ASAP wanted to get far in. You know make sure people found it interesting before having an editor work on something not worth there time.
think you mean figuring not... fingering
seemed more built, remove the first "to".
entertained?
"Trial", though that can be blamed on auto correct.
isn't it "Clever", though this could be an adaptation to fit your world.
head down the stairs?
stature not statcher, English has many a stupid spelled word.
hetero-chromatic gaze maybe?
Take a bit more time to choose your words and check for spelling and you'll have yourself a decent story.
stunned state or replace stun with confusion or possibly frustration.
material
court
seem to remember the name of,
I could see or I saw depending on the tense of the sentence or paragraph
"diving" is what I would recommend instead of "shooting"
"disposal" my good storyteller
what was taken and upgraded?
"was what made"
"since", "sense" is and in the five senses: taste, touch, sight, smell and hearing.
You did very well for your first fight scene but I get the feeling you get excited when you write which causes you to over look some mistakes and make poor word choices. All in all I'm enjoying what is being shown.
"stay here for the rest of the day until we can give you another check up" is how i would suggest rewording this part.
"reasonable thing" although him mixing up words like he dose is kind of humorous now that I think about it.
"alleviate", I had to look the spelling of that one up so take that how you will.
"while" not the giant multi-ton animal in the sea.
made me laugh, trying to make this not so dry to go over. By that I mean my comments
Twilight or Twily?
Could deal with
savor, English is a horrible language with far too many words that sound the same.
Since
thought it was Dust not Bliss.
Please continue.
lantern
Pretty sure it was Hearths Warming but it's your story and as far as spin-offs go pretty good.
summarizing?
this is internal dialog but I would reword it. It made my head hurt to look at it for an extended period of time.
Though if you weren't as good
as he too
a run for her money with how they overreact.
You know what need to be done.
money
usual
stand up for
when did lightning get there, thought it was Indigo.
you need only call?
To be Continued...
"too" as in "as well"
Otherwise a solid read.
about time to let the gay joke drop, funny the first time but I find its welcome long past by this point.
remove "we"
plans
Especially is the word your looking for.
your
How one word.
Other than these maybe do something about the revenge monologue, seemed pointless from where I sit due to how little the dark elves were mentioned.
9249357
Thanks, for all the advice I’ll work on those suggestions when I get the chance. And at the end I’ll just say that it wasn’t a dark elf and leave it at that. So if there’s anything I can do to repay you please let me know
Upon
And because the cleaning spells activated while she was down Commander Buns figured that's what she was waiting for and had her doing drills all night while ordering no one to heal it.
Keep'em coming!
9249384
Will do, glad your enjoying it
Butt as in posterior has two t's
What was with today
consider rewording this sentence. Don't really have a suggestion but it sounds a bit wonky.
"their" as in possessive not "there" as in over there and who was the second person?
Capitalization and you can use a comma there cause English is bologna.
Is he fighting against his summoned ally?
if this is an analogy i would like to hear the though process behind it, cause I've never heard it before.
One thing i fail to understand is why One: he was fighting against Ed, Two; why Rainbow Dash was in the fight when she wasn't a Wonderbolt at this point, and three:... well I don't have a three so there. Other than that I enjoyed it.
9249898
Well to hopefully answer your questions.Oz fought against Ed because so Spitfire could take out Rainbow because Celestia wanted the teams mixed up. As for Rainbow particating that is a carry over from Alvasa’s story. In his story Ed just got done training the elements and others so he wanted to see how strong this worlds version was. Sorry if I should have made both of those clearer.
And once again thanks for the Corrections I’ll get on those probably today when I get time. So I hope you have a great day.
Can't wait till it gets explained that the guards walked off without him. Honestly one super competent and op captain with incompetent underlings does not make a working guard. And if there is anything the show has shown me the guard is pretty much worthless, incompetent, and ignorant.
Probably
reword or add "with" in front of Oz
Getting better about it my friend!
Might want to make this action upon the train stopping. Upon the train completely stopping or coming to a complete stop, I was awoken by a sudden meeting with the train platform. Before I could gather my wits I was presented with my first days training schedule. Something like that, I don't know it just sounds a bit jumbled.
they're or they are
got not get
second know needs to be now and remove the comma
maybe "sections" instead of "needs" otherwise I don't even really know what you're getting at here.
Thrust my shield
lumbering or limping
take our place
Not that I'm 100% certain this is what you need to hear but you might want to slow down your thought processes a bit when you get into the moment of things, I don't even really know what to think about the part where Twilight was stunned into silence due to the nature of how you went about it and was overall confused as to why the situation required the input from Pinkie or the protagonist. The wording made it seem like that's a go to reaction out of her when it really shouldn't be, shes an adventurer so she should have more focus than that.
Don't let my general attitude in my comments take away from the fact that I am enjoying this, it's just that one segment reduced the impact of the rest of the story from where I'm sitting.
9257997
Thanks for the comment and I will try to rework it later. I admit that parts of were rushed and when I get a chance I will fix it. But I'm really glad to hear that you are enjoying it.
9261428
Please don’t remind me about that. So much grinding, didn’t help that I was a horder in game and had to keep item bag so I could keep all the loot I was getting. Why do they only let you stack ten of an item. Though she was so useful what with giving you four slots for the demon circles and letting you call down miracles. But as for when I’ll have her pop up... soon she also does have Comets ability to find hidden doors
hand maybe?
Only one that I saw, your getting better at this!
9261953
Thanks I got a writing Program that should help
Looking forward to the next chapter.
an antimagic shield, a magic eating sword, and the moon demon herself what next so cool bros
"token" it didn't write the LotR series
too
board
butt in
Your characters sense of humor is pretty great!
Until next time!
9267456
Now that would be telling. Though I have a feeling Ed could still beat him like a drum.
How many different lines of dialog are in this cause I count three.
I also hope real life doesn't get you down!
9288476
I’ll try to fix that up. And don’t worry I got it fixed so I should be back on top of things soon.