After exiting the train, I had been woken up by Ed tossing me off the train and then putting me on the first day of my training schedule.
Might want to make this action upon the train stopping. Upon the train completely stopping or coming to a complete stop, I was awoken by a sudden meeting with the train platform. Before I could gather my wits I was presented with my first days training schedule. Something like that, I don't know it just sounds a bit jumbled.
Oh, my feelings there bleeding.
they're or they are
Well, we don’t get all day.
got not get
Well, I know Alchemy know, and
second know needs to be now and remove the comma
while the damaged needs in its fur fell out
maybe "sections" instead of "needs" otherwise I don't even really know what you're getting at here.
I trust my shield forward.
Thrust my shield
past the lumping skeleton hydra
lumbering or limping
when we take out place this is what we shall give them.
take our place
Not that I'm 100% certain this is what you need to hear but you might want to slow down your thought processes a bit when you get into the moment of things, I don't even really know what to think about the part where Twilight was stunned into silence due to the nature of how you went about it and was overall confused as to why the situation required the input from Pinkie or the protagonist. The wording made it seem like that's a go to reaction out of her when it really shouldn't be, shes an adventurer so she should have more focus than that.
Don't let my general attitude in my comments take away from the fact that I am enjoying this, it's just that one segment reduced the impact of the rest of the story from where I'm sitting.
9257997 Thanks for the comment and I will try to rework it later. I admit that parts of were rushed and when I get a chance I will fix it. But I'm really glad to hear that you are enjoying it.
Might want to make this action upon the train stopping. Upon the train completely stopping or coming to a complete stop, I was awoken by a sudden meeting with the train platform. Before I could gather my wits I was presented with my first days training schedule. Something like that, I don't know it just sounds a bit jumbled.
they're or they are
got not get
second know needs to be now and remove the comma
maybe "sections" instead of "needs" otherwise I don't even really know what you're getting at here.
Thrust my shield
lumbering or limping
take our place
Not that I'm 100% certain this is what you need to hear but you might want to slow down your thought processes a bit when you get into the moment of things, I don't even really know what to think about the part where Twilight was stunned into silence due to the nature of how you went about it and was overall confused as to why the situation required the input from Pinkie or the protagonist. The wording made it seem like that's a go to reaction out of her when it really shouldn't be, shes an adventurer so she should have more focus than that.
Don't let my general attitude in my comments take away from the fact that I am enjoying this, it's just that one segment reduced the impact of the rest of the story from where I'm sitting.
9257997
Thanks for the comment and I will try to rework it later. I admit that parts of were rushed and when I get a chance I will fix it. But I'm really glad to hear that you are enjoying it.