- Member Since 29th May, 2014
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
Timeless Lord Slayer
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Timeless Lord Slayer
Joined 29th May, 2014 ·
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Timeless Lord Slayer · 13k words · 40 2 · 953 views
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Well... at least I got one like.
I don't know, the hook seems interesting, but the writing itself has some issues. I mean, I've definitely seen way worse, but I would recommend that you get an editor.
8789210 Might I ask what issues there were?
8789210 Hello?
8789212
Your grammar is fine for the most part. Your main issue is with prose and sentence structure.
This reads like someone reading a court record back to me. Try making the tense of address match the situation. If two characters are addressing each other, then they are not speaking to the audience. If the narrator is describing something, then it is speaking to the audience, not conversing with.
All the characters are essentially speaking in the same voice: same vocabulary, sentence structure, etc. This makes distinguishing the narrative a hassle.
You also make suboptimal vocabulary choices. Even if the meaning of the word makes sense in context, the implications or secondary connotations of a word may make it not quite fit. For example, most people would refer to a cart hotdog as tasty, not scrumptious. If they use scrumptious or some other word like it, then there must be a reason for it that is believably or otherwise fittingly justified by the narrative.
I'm not saying that you should break out the Shakespeare. Just give your work a once over. Compare it to other works from well established or more experienced writers. You'll see the differences more clearly if you do.
8789316 Ah, so that was it. Truth be told, I thought about my word choice and sentence structure, but I wasn't sure how to fix it. I'll look over it again and try what you said. Thank you, dear reader.
Well... I see this is taking a slight negative turn. Could those who have disliked the story please tell me what they found wrong?
...Please? I'd like to have some light shed on what else I did wrong.
...Very well.
You might wanna add a status about cross-overs, like will there be any or if'll it focus on the main story only.
8789585 I'm honestly worried if I do that I'll be burned at the stake. Not even lying.
8789587
About cross-overs or about focusing only the main story without cross-overs?
8789591 Both.
8789597
Well, that is if you were to update constantly or cross-over too much, you can either focus on the story, or have a fair balance of cross-overs, but be careful who you pick. You don't want them derailing the plot due to the actions of another Displaced.
Celestia, even if you manage to get rid of him the monsters won't stop coming.
8789614 I'm aware.
8789698
Just take your time, ok? I'd hate to see a story fall before it has began.
I'd prefer if this was longer, but eh.. just my personal taste and opinion
8790198
God to know. I hope to keep it. Maybe lock it away in my basement to make sure it stays.
Pretty cool to see a HiE story starring the Pillars
8790207
Nope, just Torbjorns Rivet Gun and Candle Wax of Silk Light.
8790212 And thank you, I was trying to be creative. Glad it worked out.
8790253
That's the plan. Mwahahahaha! Interest forever!!!
8790272'Course I am. You think being a Time God don't make you cray cray?
Liking the story so far but I am bit annoyed that they're surprised they are fighting a hornless magic user in spite of Clover fighting an Earth Pony sorceress.
Hmm.... so he/she's got a beast form as well....
Interesting
8790376
Maybe they thought it was a one time thing that couldn't be replicated. Or that it's so rare that they never thought they'd encounter another case like it.
8791329
Precisely.
Whoa, what happend in the comment section? Haters with no constructive criticism?
8796255 No, I just deleted a number of comments that didn't need to be there. I want to put the past few days behind me. Them being brought up because someone saw the comments would just bring the old feelings back.
8796622
Oh, sorry I asked...
8796676 It's fine, don't worry about it.
8796791
WHEN THE FUCK IS THIS GONNA BE UPDATED, THIS THE SHIT!!!!!!
8828525 Soon. I am currently going over the next few chapters for any errors or mistakes.
Well, that was intense. Many strong emotional feelings and actions.
I like this. The crossover serves a purpose. A good MC. Nor have I found any typos. Keep up the good work.
Why is he being punished didn't they attack him first?
8892147 He still committed assault, and the common ponies won't like it at all if he gets off scott free for "murdering" Discord or anything else. Better to have him remain guilty of something than nothing, because otherwise there could be a lot of political turmoil.
I think thats the best he could hope for.
Awsome job.
I would assume that not all ponies will be happy with how little the punishment Skull got was, so in the future there may be ponies who would take actions of their own to "punish" Skull to a greater degree.
Well, they would try at least... keyword being "try"....
All the income of these inventions goes to the crown of Equestria. LOL only the healing pots will destroy the balance of the nations in this world and if the monsters are more widespread, this might lead to war when the pony nations are the only ones that have Skull that can craft these items,,, well lets hope not XD.
9034232
Like raising prices, selling him subpar stuff or out right refusing to sell or buy from him?