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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well... at least I got one like.
I don't know, the hook seems interesting, but the writing itself has some issues. I mean, I've definitely seen way worse, but I would recommend that you get an editor.
8789210 Might I ask what issues there were?
8789210 Hello?
8789212
Your grammar is fine for the most part. Your main issue is with prose and sentence structure.
This reads like someone reading a court record back to me. Try making the tense of address match the situation. If two characters are addressing each other, then they are not speaking to the audience. If the narrator is describing something, then it is speaking to the audience, not conversing with.
All the characters are essentially speaking in the same voice: same vocabulary, sentence structure, etc. This makes distinguishing the narrative a hassle.
You also make suboptimal vocabulary choices. Even if the meaning of the word makes sense in context, the implications or secondary connotations of a word may make it not quite fit. For example, most people would refer to a cart hotdog as tasty, not scrumptious. If they use scrumptious or some other word like it, then there must be a reason for it that is believably or otherwise fittingly justified by the narrative.
I'm not saying that you should break out the Shakespeare. Just give your work a once over. Compare it to other works from well established or more experienced writers. You'll see the differences more clearly if you do.
8789316 Ah, so that was it. Truth be told, I thought about my word choice and sentence structure, but I wasn't sure how to fix it. I'll look over it again and try what you said. Thank you, dear reader.
Well... I see this is taking a slight negative turn. Could those who have disliked the story please tell me what they found wrong?
...Please? I'd like to have some light shed on what else I did wrong.
...Very well.
You might wanna add a status about cross-overs, like will there be any or if'll it focus on the main story only.
8789585 I'm honestly worried if I do that I'll be burned at the stake. Not even lying.
8789587
About cross-overs or about focusing only the main story without cross-overs?
8789591 Both.
8789597
Well, that is if you were to update constantly or cross-over too much, you can either focus on the story, or have a fair balance of cross-overs, but be careful who you pick. You don't want them derailing the plot due to the actions of another Displaced.
Celestia, even if you manage to get rid of him the monsters won't stop coming.
8789614 I'm aware.
8789698
Just take your time, ok? I'd hate to see a story fall before it has began.
I'd prefer if this was longer, but eh.. just my personal taste and opinion