• Member Since 6th Sep, 2018
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Ghost Alvasa


Comments ( 379 )

OK so just another day in the statue area of the Canterlot Royal Gardens, god how I miss being able just to walk around in nature that and the peace and quiet I had when I was able to move. OH, let me introduce myself, Hi my name is Edward Elric aka the Fullmetal Alchemist and the idiot who is annoying the crap out of me cause he won't shut up is Discord the Lord of Chaos.

Holy shit, does this not read like Ed.

Needs an editor. Badly. Also.... Starswirl the Breaded XD.

Hi, I'm your friendly neighborhood Broken Record. Did you put any thought into prep or research or practice before posting this? Not only is it a smorgasbord of grammatical nonsense but you didn't even TRY to make Ed sound believable. I get that it's Displaced (which can be an issue itself, depending on your point of view) but if you don't present any character similarities between Ed as an influence on your main character and story, and Ed as his own distinct character in the Full Metal Alchemist universe, it might as well be shallow wish fulfillment.

Move on and try again.

if ya have any recommendations im all ears

sorry if i dont meet up to the standard of others but this is literally my first attempt at writing a story in anyway shape or form secondly
im trying to present Ed's as more mature researcher /scientist than a 14 yeaer old impulisve kid i my

my first story not sorry i not most imaginative person looking foe feed back and ways to improve

You could start with learning proper sentence structure, and apply it to your work (or at least further comments). As for standards, it's not required but certainly good practice to hold yourself to some. Reminder, when you publish something to a public platform, you have to accept the good and the bad. If you want good feedback, do your due diligence. I wrote over 100 pages of practice before I even thought of posting anything because I knew that would get me off to a good start (and I didn't want to insult my potential readers by giving them something half-assed).

I was 14 once too and you bet that I was taught proper sentence structure.

would you mind if i sent you what i have so far and show how i could im prove grammer and literature were nver my strong siutes

Sure but I also recommend that you read the site's writing guide. It'll give you a more in-depth guide on how to start, at least.

ill give is a shot and thx for the feed back

Honestly I wouldn't know who to recommend, but there's a group you can go to that you can ask around for an editor. Give me a moment and I'll look for the group.

hoo boy... I do hope you found an editor.

Even with the Grammar issues the story flows well, it's not unreadable but is still a little headache inducing. Keep it up!

Fyi your story is on the Popular list.

i know its a bit of a head but i do and im sorry for that. you can chalk it up to OCD and piss poor typing skills. still tho i appreciate the feed back thx so much

no i didnt actually but thx for letting my know

9196905 To be fair, a Displaced story becoming popular on this site is about as certain as Usain Bolt winning a footrace against someone with MS.

Getting popular or making the front page doesn't always mean something, even clop stories and one shots make the front page with as little as a thousand words, or it took the smallest effort from an author of said story who has two hundred or five hundred followers, even a story about a meme can get front page.

I mean- ok? I was just trying to be nice and let the author know.

I was replying to moviemaster, not you, silly.

Just the way it was worded. XD

more is on the way gonna finish up the meeting of starswirl and celestia should have it up by later today day after tomorrow at the last thx for the encouragement and you should look forward to the near future big plans for the little fella

awesome then keep up the ready👍

I have a feeling someone might [MIGHT] attempt to create one and Ed would likely be accused since he knows how to create it.

ill just say their is a reason someone imprisoned him for the last 2000 years

This is a pretty good Fanfic despite some grammar errors. Please keep this Fanfic going until you have published the final chapter to it, which hopefully will be a LONG time from now.

You can't just leave someone on a cliff hanger like that man XD! Come on!

Haha, I am now glad I had Ed land on his back when he arrived in Lex’s world.

sorry garnet naturea had to go back and rewrite part of his story do to it similarities with a story called worlds strongest wizard but if you keep on reading i drop some of wat happend in lex's story but not until a little later in my story

Things are getting really interesting now. I look forward to what you do.

Pacing. pacing pacing pacing. the Protag reveals his species far too early to gain any real tactical value from said reveal. y'know, shock factor, apprehensive steps back, nervousness at realizing you're in the same room as a creature evolved to be a preferential predator.

While story is interesting. I cant read it anymore. You NEED to get editor, badly.

*Sees story* Oh, a Displaced fic. Normally I'm wary of them, but this involves the Fullmetal Alchemist!

“Can you get communicate with the other Displaced?” Ed asked jestering with his hand.

“Regular communication between the Displaced is rare at best. Unless they have received a curtain item from another Displaced that allows them to do so. That being said some of the Displaced have set up their tokens so they can stay in touch with those that have receive them.” Timer Turner slightly shaking his head.

Aside from needing an editor, this seems alright. It's treading on thin ice concerning the token/crossover bullshit, but so long as it doesn't-

“This is a token I found a few weeks ago, but I said before my kind prefer to leave other Displaced be if we can help it.” he said handing me what looked like Adam Taurus's mask from RWBY.

All of sudden a jolt of energy was sent through Ed's body and out of no where he heard a voice.

I am the sword of equality and fighter for the weak. If you find yourself cornered and too weak to fight, call on me and I will be there to protect you.

...God Dammit...

this story needs editing badly

"Red elf needs food badly"

There's nothing wrong with cross-overs as long as the author doesn't go overboard with them aka have too many cross-overs or worse; the cross-overs have NO relation to the main story nor does it help with the three main elements of a story: Character growth, world building, and a story plot.

Ouch, this chapter needs a serious pass with, not a spellchecker, which you obviously did, but a grammar checker or editor, I needed to stop reading halfway through it was getting so bad, and a couple sentances I had no idea what you were trying to say....gonna move this from favorites to tracking, in the hopes it gets edited soon

sorry editor hasnt gotten to it yet

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