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FINALLY! For once I'll actually be with a story from the very beginning, and very interesting story at that. I can't wait to see what happens next, especially since Kaid has become much more involved in the duties of a god, even going so far as to 'choose' some people of his own.

I've got the next two chapters ready to go, and I'm kinda excited for this one. IT's not the hot-air hype I felt for MBK, and I'm digging it so far. Here's hoping we both end up happy, eh?

I'm already loving this, I especially love it when a character is willing to go as far as to rip out some throats with their teeth, I kinda hope we get to see that personally :pinkiecrazy:

I won't make any promises, but it does sound interesting, doesn't it?

I'm a fan of violence and brutal murder, so I am probably biased when it comes to be interested in throats being ripped out.

This is pretty good I have to say, I like the main character he is such a savage! x)

First things first: How long is this book going to be?

Other than that I will be putting this on my waiting list.

It looks really good though, good luck!:twilightsmile:

8790259 Dooood, I have no clue. This will be the third sequel I've tried to kickstart, and I'm having better feelings about this one than the last two. I'll probably post the pair of Chapters I have for Quoth The Wendigo and put it on hiatus shortly after since writing for a compulsively suicidal character is harder than I thought.

8790252 Glad you're liking it so far. I'm about to drop the next chapter within the next hour, hour+1/2, so stay tuned.

kiad/max seems to be a god and twilight is a lot cuter than normal in terms of naivety... im so concerned.

The cute shall overcome all of your ambitions and dreams. Fear the cute. Love the cute.

So I wasted my life going to mlp wikia, looking at Maud's info on the side bar and checked her eye color. It says light turquoise but that's not good enough. Pressing said eye color gave me a hex code, I used that hex code and googled "name that color" and with the first link there i entered the hex code, and it told me Bermuda.

Totally feel free to ignore this. I like celadon better anyway.

Because nothing bad ever happens when you join a revolution on a different planet.

I prefer calling it celadon since it seems closer to me. Bermuda's mom ghey and in a love triangle with methane gas and aeronautical/nautical vessels.

When you feel like you're untouchable, bad decisions seem like good ones. Gauche is a little full of himself.

This time, they will not be shipped!

Yeah, suuure, bro. You are The Almighty Author, but sometimes characters have a mind of their own and you either make it feel forced or let it flow naturally.

Well, when she reminds him his passed sister it would be hard for ship to set sail. Not impossible, but hard for sure. And you probably got bored to write her name so often anyway.

I'd like to mention that at this point Max looks like a glorified self-insertion. Do you really need one to run your story for you? Was divine intervention even needed for things to go wrong in the right way?

Man, Max and I are still nothing alike, and the differences in his character are meant to be there. Dude's beyond old at this point, and it would be more weird if he'd stayed the same throughout it all.

And I didn't meant it like that. He's just OP as flying fuck, does things for shit and giggles, not really needed in the first place and may lead the story in the wrong way even though you are in control here. And since he is old and bored even Discord can feel his shoes. They are quite alike where D is not being a total D. I doubt you going to pull another The War with him as the main ponyvillian anyway. Yeah, I love this word now. Never heard anything goofier than that.

Aww Hell no, Discord isn't making it back into the story as more than a whimsical ally. To be honest with you, it'll become clearer as to why Max does what he does soon enough, and I don't think I'll be able to keep it quiet long, despite wanting to get at least ten chapters in before it gets deeted in

Just make sure not to overuse him to force shit to go the way you want it to go. Forced doesn't flow naturally. And avoid throwing way too many OP powers at your characters. When their powers grows exponentially it becomes hard to put obstacles on their way for them to overcome without divine intervention. D as a whimsical ally could be cool, but he is also kind of OP without being nerfed and OP characters tend to solve riddles in the boring way more often than not. So, don't forget to nerf him. ;)

The nearing is going to be strong with this story. Twilight can't teleport more than a few miles, and Discord's strength is going to be limited due to his own newfound morals. Few creatures will be as strong as the ones I have written in so far, and there are certain flaws that I don't think have been seen in the posted chapters. Gauche's instinct can't always save him, Maud is only fast for an Earth Pony, and there's a few characters that'll show up who'll fuck shit up real nice for the world


Another BTW for future reference:
Harry Potter septilogy is almost exactly 1kk words long and only last 3 books actually worthy from my point of view. That is around 600k words. Absolutely amazing fanfiction "Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality" (which cover the entire story and I highly recommend reading even if you skipped the original) is roughly the same as these 3 (~650k words) and at least ten times better (I'm dead serious here). So, if you ever feel that your arc comes close to this number and you haven't finished with it yet then it's time to plan how to do so in the right way before you hit the size of that particular septilogy and temporary shove irrelevant stuff somewhere for storage and use in the following arcs. :]
After all the only reason why global arcs like Discord's game in the Diaries of a Madman survive for so long is that they never actually progress in the first place. Take One Piece as for an example. Luffy with his crew is on a journey to find mysterious "One Piece" thingamajig, but they not supposed to find it or pretty much anything about it since if they find it that would be the end of a journey. The journey will only end when the author get bored with One Piece world and characters in the first place and just throw that oojamaflip at them.

Missing hyphens in prologue:
* well founded
* double checked
* post haste (this one could also be spelled as a single word)

The rest looks fine and wordplay around the summoning preparations is magnificent.

“Mmm, salt.” - guess it isn't that addictive in this world, is it?

Chapter one
* timbre;
* She mused — missing a dot at the end;
* leyline — Google tells me it's spelled as "ley line", but I'm not sure would or wouldn't it be better to spell it hyphened, but there should be consistency about it and in the prologue "ley-lines" were hyphened;
* but you don’t have the physique pof a Dog or a Cat;
* "I really don’t like the idea of being leadled around by somepony as paranoid as you" — if I properly understand this "lead" in such context must be "led" since that is progressive passive tense (and it's pretty much the same in present, past and future variations);
* "You don’t seem to fit the bill." and "Well, I got a room with a bed and a sofa for you and your companion since it don’t seem like you two are together, but that’s about it."— as I understand "don't seem" is fine in the first case, but have to be "doesn't seem" in the second one unless it's informal American English where it might be used in both forms and even substituted with "ain't" in some dialects, so decide for yourself which one feels better;
* "Once she was gone, I askled" — to be honest I don't like word "ask" in any form since it feels too formal and straight, and sounds like chopping wood with an ax;
* "It was a quick affair to be sure→,.← And the only reason I killed him was because he was a liar like no other." — either one sentence with a comma or two separate with a dot;
* "Why don’t we just just find the nearest Teleportation Station";
* "I figured it was time for her to try andto catch some shuteye" — I don't really like "to try to", but in this particular case it just feels better there since "and" kind of divides phrase in two parts like Twi have to "try" to do something before going to bed;
* colours — ugh, not sure which dictionary to use;
* "There’s exceptions to every rule" – should be either "there are exceptions" or "there is exception" and plural form feels less wrong to me;
* "I’ll be careful, Twilight, so just do me a favour and be skeptical every once in awhile, okay?" — gee, I'm not sure that that should be fixed even though it's wrong since it implies that she should be skeptical pretty much all the time since "awhile" unlike "a while" which is always used there implies short periods instead of long ones.

So what... Max kills capital G and becomes the new big cheese and now this is his little game of chess?

I don't feel like I can answer that.

Mate, I don't think many people realize how much this site needs more Maud x anyone that isn't Big Mac or in her family.

LTP check:
Should be hyphened:
* well made;
* well deserved;
* five finger.
Not sure which dictionary to use, so I used British one this time and following words were in American English:
* endeavour;
* colour;
* colouration;
* jewellers;
* armoury;
* honour.
Other stuff:
* "Wotcher, Bruv." — "Bruv" should be lowercase here.
* "You’re seeming like a valuable addition to Bite-Back" — should be "You seems like" here. Progressive tense is used to describe some action or process while it is, were or will be in progress and that is not the case here.
* "and we can make it worth your while if your stick around"- should be just "you".
* "I’m not sure, but we kind of felt like islands in an archipelago. It was a quality archipelago time." — since "a time".
* "I’d only gotten a couple hours" - depends on the dialect. According to LTP and Oxford Dictionary not used in British English, but actively used in American English. https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/gotten
* "but sadly he’d decided to try and become a Ranger again" – "he had decided" might imply that decision might not be the same anymore, "had" is not necessary here. Also, I'd like to remind that "try and" implies "try to do something and then do something" instead of just "try to do something". Example: "It’s better to try and regret than not try at all." Looks fine here, though.
* "To know whether or not you were going to bullshit me, and to figure out which side of the law your on." — "Whether" itself implies probability, so "or not" is a bit redundant, but still perfectly fine there. "Your", though, should be "you'r".
* "Is that a challenge I’m hearing?" - unnecessary progressive tense again. Should be "Is that a challenge I hear?"
* “I fill whatever role I need to, I just prefer not to get my hands bloody. The only thing that blood gets you is more blood in the end.” - I'd say something like "I fill whatever role I need, but I prefer to leave hands clean. Blood only leads to blood and blood will have it." It implies that blood seeks revenge and leads to more blood. Also, "blood will have blood" is a reference to Macbeth.
* "every Cell,Leader a Division Head" - "Cell Leader".
* "Can’t wait til ya die" - there should be apostrophe before "til": "Can't wait 'til ya die".
* "We’ve got a lot in our heart and little of it’s love or compassion for the establishment." - in this particular case "it is" sounds better than short form. Also, I think "heart" should be in a plural form.
* "Anyway, we’re taking you to meet our admissions guy, Division Head Kerrick, so he can decide whether or not we’re keeping you." - once again "we keep you", I'd write it as "so he can decide whether we keep you or not."
* "The wall of people parted and let us through to a door that Maud pushed open, not faltering soas much as a step as she leadled me away from the unit I’d come with." — "as much as" is an idiom, "as she lead" - "as" here could be omitted (but is fine too) and "lead" should be in the past tense here. Well, at least it feels better like this to me.
* "Ah, so you’re a cut above thenthem?"
* "So how many Underbosses are there exactly,?" - remove extra comma in the end.
* "They are the singularly most hated race on the face of the planet due to their tendencies to lean toward Blood, Dark, and Black Magicks." – "magic" in a list like this doesn't require a plural form. Also, as I understand first "The" should be "They". Also, "towards" is more commonly used than "toward". Not sure why either form is used and which one is better here, though.
* recieve → receive.
* "Thus Selective Inter-Breeding" - missing comma after "thus".
* "Not all of the possible pairings are looked upon" - "of" is not needed here and "possible" might be omitted too.
* "Were you trying to huff? It comes off as pretty disingenuine." → "It came off pretty disingenuous."

* strats - is it strategies? I just want to clarify.
* "Did you just tell me to leave afriend behind?" - missing space. Also, I think "tell" should be in the past tense (told).
* "The only thing he knew how to do was plow fields and eat." - i think it should be like this "The only things he knew how to do was to plow fields and to eat."
* “Bitch, do I look like a tailor?” - could you please explain this? I totally didn't get it. :(
* face first - normally hyphened.
* "The furthest we know anyone’s gotten was the second floor" - once again better to use "got" instead of "gotten" even though it's fine in American English.
* "Hey, if Cleft catches you talking like that, she’ll throw you at the wall" - I seriously am not sure how this supposed to be, but I think it should be "catch you talking".
* ice cold - normally hyphened.
* I didn’t count how many times I stabbed him
* "I wonder (And still do) if it was because of the sheer shock of having Maud wear such skimpy, revealing clothing to bed." - I've tried to rewrite it like this "I've been wondering (and still do) was it due to the sheer shock of having Maud wearing such skimpy, revealing clothing to bed?" since "if it was because of" sounds horribly awkward and "I wonder (and still do)" is in the same tense even though it's not supposed to be. I'm not sure that "wearing" is a proper form there, but it looks like the whole phrase is in the past continuous tense now and "wear" should follow the suit as I understand.
* "She was a good woman, though foalish." - ponified childish? Eenope, clearly should be "foolish".
* "Maud said, her cheeks slightly pinkened." - Well, I know Pinkie is her sister... but I'd say it like this: "Maud told with a slight blush on her cheeks."

Maud (not so slightly) pinkened:

Goddamn, dude, that's a lotta shit to cover.

  1. Yes, Strats is probably strategies
  2. Fixed
  3. That one's staying. It doesn't really matter.
  4. Tailors 'sew', which sounds like 'so'. It's wordplay.
  5. Hyphenated now
  6. If it still reads the same, I'm not changing it.
  7. It's not. "If she catch you talking like that..." Makes one sound daft. It's a subtlety of the language.
  8. Ice cold doesn't get hyphenated. It just seems wrong.
  9. I prefer my method of Gauche's wonderment. It's missing (... every now and again) in the parentheses.
  10. It's ponified for childish, bruv. It's coming from a Pony's mouth.
  11. MC doesn't know Pinkie at all, so it'd be odd for him so change his language based off of someone he doesn't actually know.

8. Both might be true. Found hyphenated version here: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ice-cold and non-hyphenated at Urban Dictionary.
10. What happened there were rather foolish, so I thought Maud would call it like that instead of childish. Hmm, now when I think about it it makes sense, but not because a pony told that. It's just not in Maud's character to use expressive words.
11. It just sounds so strange like that. Works, though.

Whether you use foalish as childish or foolish, it still works. It's just her Equestrian roots showing in her speech, however

Your 'Thief Tale' stories need a lot more support, they're too well-written to be unnoticed

C'est la vie. Or it is what it is, man.
They're aimed toward a pretty niche audience anyway, to be honest.

So is this story in the same universe as the road to redemption?

No, it's in Universe One, on Equis 1-Alt-M while 'Equus' was in Universe Six-Two-Six, and it was Equus 1-Origin. Different Universes, different parallels, different timelines, and completely different eons.

Make something at least somewhat relevant to the cannon and everyone goes gaga over it but make something original or even worse a sequel with original elements and it just get fucking ignored by and large what kinda bullshit is this... this deserves a heck of a lot more attention than its getting.

Damn, these are coming out very fast, can't wait to see how he manages to take down Odysseus.

Also, Odysseus and Hercules? Is the next ancestor named Hades? Or maybe Zeus?

Maxdamn! This is getting great.

Yes I love both thief's tale series I will follow this to the day I die or it dies but, if there is on thing it's that the suffering of life will always leave a bad feeling in me so I hope he makes that sick fuck suffer.

Fucking hell dude, eating the flesh of a sentient creature is literally the biggest no-no on my list of things to never do, ever (and that's saying something 'cause murder and torture sure as hell isn't on that list). I hope that sick fuck and all the patrons from that restaurant slit their own wrists and rip the flesh back until they can tie a neat little bow on each bicep while taking a bath in lemon juice.

Thanks for the kind words, but that's just how it rolls sometimes. I'll probably mix up the summary a little and mention that the story can stand alone since it can.

The actual gods won't be named since Max kinda killed most of 'em.

Just finished this one and I'm DIGGING IT

Do I need to read the other story, too? Or is this standalone?

It's standalone for the most part. There are a few references that don't amount to much within RTP, but other than Max's backstory, there's no need.

a twist on the classic coffee and sugar that I’d picked up from a rogue Ranger that used to head up Castle Redmont back in Avalesce. I’d met him in Winter’s Keep while working a job for some uppity Noble and we’d been fast friends, but sadly he’d decided to try and become a Ranger again, so we lost touch. I still miss Will, although I don’t miss him as much as I could since he’s a King’s Man through and through.

these fucking nods to rangers apprentice is making me a very happy human being.

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