• Member Since 1st May, 2017
  • offline last seen May 22nd




Sunset has a nightmare last night... Like every night in a long time.
Now, the question is, will she tell to her friends or she will suffer alone?

Chapters (12)
Comments ( 52 )

Well, I can see what you said about grammar mistakes... but thankfully that is an easy fix. All you need to do is find an editor. Other than that, the pacing on this story is good if this is your first time writing, but to me it seems a little fast, but at that point it's just nitpicking. Also, while you seem to describe the situations well, describing the actions taken more specifically is something you should try. Also, if you are not a native speaker and want to learn better, try to read up on some English literature that you could find interest in. You don't have to take this, but this is just my advice.

Really thank you for the tip, and i'm sorry again about this.
But I don't know how to find a editor, if you know can you tell me about a good one?
And thank you again by your review, it means a lot to me.

Comment posted by MEGA LM ShiroHige Pony deleted May 31st, 2017

Well, the story is "ok", but what worries me is the way are you writing this...

I'm sorry for this, can you explain what I've done wrong? Maybe I can fix it and make it better.


Don't split the text that much, use more paragraphs, the grammar mistakes is one think since you are trying to write in a foreing language, but you don't need the story to be all sentences.

Oh, really thank you. I thought if write that way I would make less mistakes, and thanks for the honest reply. If some day I write another fanfic (considering the 'dislikes' I don't know if I will do another one) I seriously will follow your advice.
Thank you again, and I honestly wish you liked the story.

8200270 I liked the story, :D and I'm trying to give a like, but the button is not working D:

Before I read this, what is the Gore and Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?

Before I read, why is this rated M?

It wan'nt that bad, I has some ideas that I don't use but I let the tags only for precaution.

It's only my mistake, sorry, I'm gonna fix it.

I quite liked the story it was very interesting.

I really thank you, and I'm very glad that you enjoyed it. That's my first fanfic and this means a lot to me.

Thank you for everything, I'm searching a editors group but I'm also new in the site, so I ask just a bit of patience until I found one.
Anyway I wish you enjoyed the story.

8200409 For future reference, if the Like bar is gray and doesn't respond to upvotes/downvotes, it's because fimfiction hides the votes of stories with less than ten total. It's meant as a way to help low-traffic authors because small sample sizes are very inaccurate, but because it's never explained anywhere and leaves barely any indication that you voted, it's often just confusing.

8236477 I'm fairly busy, but if you're still looking for editing- and more importantly, want to become a better writer- I wouldn't mind cleaning and polishing the first chapter and giving detailed explanations of why I did what. PM me if you want to take me up on that.

I would like it, yes!
But before anything, I'm new on the site and I need to know: What is a PM?
And I would also like to explain myself, about the comment I've done about about "considering the dislikes" I wish you understand that I was pretty stupid at that time, and after receiving the news about the death of a friend, I also saw that there's more than the double of dislikes than likes, and I thought, looks like I'm useless here too!
But it was just the sadness talking, not me.
Anyway, I would really appreciate a help from someone more experienced than me.

baby cats are called kittens not puppies

ok this anti elements stuff and this azi dahakal came out of no where and really does not fit the story you where telling

Well, about the "kitten" I'm gonna fix it now, thank you for this!
About the rest I'm sorry I'm sorry you did not like it, I tried to put some tips during the story, but I think they're not enough, I'll try to fix it too.
Anyway thanks for your comment.

:derpyderp1: Whoa! Berserk Fluttershy was unexpected! Nice!

Thanks! That's the first time I receive a feedback about that subject, when I wrote this I wondered if people would like it, so I'm really happy you liked.

Yeah but he is not perfect with English. Besides I think a cat calling Kittens; puppies is adorable

Nothing to complain about your story, so when it comes to it I'm saying the usual : that's a favourite for me ^^.

I think I'll read it again to get better this whole monster, and what's really tied with Sunset and her demon self.

I'm glad you like it.
I want to edit that story soon,, not only ffor a better understanding, but also to explain a little better everything.

Same here. The story was interesting but I just couldn't push myself past all the broken English. The idea is good and I was interested. But I just can't as it is. I'll keep it in my read later though in case you get an editor.

I understand, thank you for giving it a chance, though.

of course! Like I said. The idea is good and solid. Just get an editor and you'll be golden. ^~^

"There's a possibility... That some of my old experiences... Uhhm... caught the attention of some... Dangerous people and forced us to find a... Doctor that don't make some questions!" Twilight said.
What old experiences is she talking about, and what dangerous people? What happened while Sunset was sleeping?

This chapter had lots and lots of felines. :yay:

If there is something life had taught me, is that there is never enough felines.

🎥 Persona 4 OST - I'll Face Myself - YouTube
Anyone who played persona 4 understands why

Which definitely includes myself

The eyes of the black cat seems completely bugged out. 'Must be my imagination', she thought.

Why do I feel like the cat is Chrysalis or something?:trixieshiftright:

"I like her!"

Oh fuck! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!:rainbowlaugh:

You are thinking too much about this

Well, I am glad you like it

... is not today!

Flutter understood everything since she also can talk to animals.... it i not Sunny unicorn magic that is coming back, she is using the powers of the others like the cayalist she is... noice idea!

Thank you. Really thank you.

If you payed attention it has been a recorrent theme since chapter 1 and checkov's gunned on chapter 2.

Why did daydream shimmer even attack her in the first place she's supposed to be good not bad?

It was supposed to be a test for her.

Oh, should of figured after what she encountered later in the Chapter

I think with proper editing and not resorting to certain cliche phrases to describe the angst or emotional scenes, this could be great.

It was my first try at writing anything many years ago. I'll be the first one to admit it's not good, but it helped me evolve my English a lot actually. It's now an abandoned project, but some further fanfiction has way better writing I promise, not perfect, but just a little bit better.

I wanna see where this goes!!


The eyes of the black cat seems completely bugged out. 'Must be my imagination', she thought.

"You're strange!" Sunset said with a giggle. "But it's my time little guy, the rain will start soon, bye." Sunset walk away while the cat just observe the amber girl disappearing in the distance.

That cat is not normal. Not that any cat is

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