• Member Since 17th Sep, 2018
  • offline last seen May 28th, 2020

Xenont


JuSt a DEmOn RoAmInG thE WeB :)

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Source

After Twilight blasted Sunset with the 'Rainbow beam' , she is broken. lost and cannot forgive herself. Her new friends help her to realise what she is missing, teach her to forgive herself and to help her fit in, standing by her side despite the odds.

Happens after the night of the Fall Formal.

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 24 )

Very Heartbreaking. Can you do a chapter where Celestia asks about Sunset?

So far not a bad start! However, if i had to offer some advice, It would be mainly spelling checks. There were a few mispellings here and there like instead of “Pinkie” you said “Punkie” and the use of past or present tense. But again overall not bad for your first story! :twilightsmile::pinkiehappy:

9207042
I like the posting schedule. It’s consistent I hate story’s that one time might post 4 days apart and the next is only 1 day I can’t put together what time it should be posted. At lest you post sometime every three days

I like it, but the structure could use a touch of polish. A suggestion would be to separate the dialogue in paragraphs depending on who is speaking. When two or more characters speak in the same paragraph, it gets a touch hard to read.

9211742
uh huh. Okay. But then the paragraphs would be short cuz i'm not that good at elebaration and too much nagging would make it boring to read....But i'll do my best.😛

9211993
There ain't nothing wrong with a short paragraph every now and again. It can help keep people from straining their eyes. (It's why people hate the Wall of Text, which to be fair, you didn't do at all in these, so kudos there)

Sorry for taking so long, my computer broke😉

this is a great story filled with emotions and fun.well done.

As Sunset climbed into Rainbow's car, she watched from the window as her friends slowly and carefully lifted her motorcycle and carried it towards Rainbow's car. I am so lucky to always have them by by side.... Sunset thought as she closed her eyes, drifting off to sleep.

This is dangerous, lifting a motorcycle. Also, short of trailering or disassembling the bike,can car won't carry most street legal bikes.

A better move would be having Rainbow Dash ride Sunset's bike while the other girls use Rainbow's car to haul Sunset. :twilightsmile:

A bit fast paced, and a couple grammatical errors but nothing to egregious. Looking forward to more:twilightsmile:

9279473
If she got pulled over she'd have to show her motorcycle license which I'm pretty sure she doesn't have in this story. She would also have to show registration which also she probably doesn't have. She'd only succeed in getting the bike taken, and possible getting taken into custody. plus if she doesn't have a license to drive the bike she may not know how to drive it there's a little more to bikes then most people realise. some random person probable wouldn't be able to get on a bike and be able to ride it right away. the way you shift a bike into drive isn't the same as a car. no one may have known how to ride it and she would have gotten it towed other wise and that's more money that sunset doesn't have.

9574253
Fair enough. Still not sure how the motorcycle is going to fit in a car. :rainbowhuh:

What happened to the story. When will the next chapter be done

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