• Member Since 1st May, 2017
  • offline last seen 10 minutes ago

Lieral


E

This story is a sequel to Drunken star


Finally the day comes when Twilight's parents find out she's dating someone, the only problem is that Twilight forgot to mention she's dating a ... Girl.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 19 )

Either this story is straight out of draft and filled with grammatical errors or I'm way more drunk then I thought I was. I like the premiss but the pace and the character interactions needs more work. I can count on one hand how many (Twilight introduces her girlfriend to her family) stories there are. You have her a potentially great story.

Nice i like it

8458625
You're probably not drunk, I'm from another country and my English is almos 100% self-taught and I'm already searching for an editor.
Now, about the character interactions that's a problem I'm not solve alone, so do you have some idea what do you want? Tell me and I'm gonna fix it.
Anyway I'm glad you think my story have some potential, and I wish someday I can reach this potential.

8458630
Thank you, I'm glad you like it!

I like that reference to the canterlot wedding.

8458646
What I mean by character interaction is for example when Sunset and Applejack talked their conversation was mostly centered around pushing the plot along. You could try to give them more small talk that can lead into Sunset talking about Twilight and etc. You could try and involve the others too. When Twilight tells Sunset her parents want to meet them you could show the different characters reactions to this. Luna could have popped into the conversation by telling them that their going to be late for class and tell Sunset good luck. It's out of character for Luna as well as a teacher to allow students to skip school for trivial reasons. Letting them go early is more likely. General tips take a look at how the characters behave in the show when their just dealing with the average parts of life.

8458672
It's small but I wanted to do at least one reference to that episode.

8458674
Now I understand what you wanted to say, and you're right, I'm going to work on it as soon as possible, and my intention isn't to Luna let everyone skip the class, that' an error I'm going to fix now.
And mainly thank for your comment, if you have any other idea I'm glad to listen (or read... Whatever.).

I also followed

I loved the story but one thing I kept noticing was that you kept changing from past tense to present tense. Just letting you know.

8464528
I'm sorry for the reeeally late reply, but I ran out of the internet.
Regarding this, I can only apologize because English is not my native language.
But thank you very much for the warning.

8464528
Can you point out where he's changing past, present and future things, because the only thing I have a problem with is the grammar.

that ending, I can't stop laughing, :rainbowlaugh:

9654992
I am very glad you liked.

9655285
Oh yeah, I enjoyed the whole story very much, definitely one of my favorite iterations of this particular Sunlight scenario.

I was not expecting the story end like Gus but I still enjoyed it

10619319
I am very glad to know you enjoyed it. I wanted this one to be a funny one, and if it will be funny I want to be funny until the end.

Damn that ending :rainbowlaugh:. That, was, priceless.

10828419
Thank you. Made my week better!

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