• Member Since 5th May, 2013
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Carapace


Occasionally exists.

T
Source

Coco Pommel liked to think of herself as a responsible, hard working mare. She made sure her pieces were made on time, and each of her clients satisfied to the fullest. But such a busy schedule can wear a mare down after a time. Enough so that she can't even muster the energy to read one of her old romance novels.

Fortunately, there's a mystery mare willing to make her fantasies come to life. All she has to do is clear her schedule and enjoy a day tailor made to her needs.

Preread by Cryosite, Jondor, Monochromatic, and Timaeus.
Artwork by Science Fox.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 49 )

Why did you post this in

?

well... i didn't expect this... xD i will add it to my list :ajsmug:

Excuse me while I squeal over the cuteness.

:pinkiehappy::raritystarry::raritywink::twilightsmile::heart:

Cute. Not a whole lot of dramatic tension. If she's supposed to have put all this thought into planning the day why did she schedule a Mexicolt lunch on the day of a hot date night?

8077917 I needed some fluff in my life after the drama surrounding one of my other fics.

8077660 Because screw the rules, I have ponies.

8077923

I second your motion on that. After the things I've put Coco through in my main fic...it was nice to actually see her happy.

*insert part where non-writer says "you have the power to make her happy"*

Fluff! Even better, adorable Coco-grade fluff! Time to like, favorite, and subscr-- er, follow. Should have done that after I finished your Spitfire/Twilight ship, really. These are some durn good pone words; guess I'll check out the rest of your work while I wait for more of them.

8078111 You have the power to make her happy.

/sidesteps the lightning bolt aimed at his head.

8078159

This is why you never cry to your friends about your characters. :rainbowlaugh:

8078169 Do yours assault you with images of them cuddling or kissing too?

8078174

Yep. Story ideas can be funny that way.

This was an adorable suprise. Love the bit with the strong quartet. I started hearing it myself by the end.
Also, while this is certainly more fluff than tension, I have to say it's not a very convincing mystery if Coco solves it before it even begins.
But, whatever. Cute story, bro.

8078415 Glad you enjoyed it. My intent was to have Coco more hopeful that it was Rarity, but I get what you mean. Cryo mentioned that I didn't really make it much of a mystery, but I needed some fluff in my life at the time I wrote it because some annoying stuff was souring my mood.

Thanks for reading.

Sorry, red flag... this is probably because I live in the Southwest but Mexican for a first date? Actually, even worse, before a first date?

Unless you have an iron stomach, Mexican food is around the same relationship level as cohabitation. Not until you can fart around each other and laugh about it, rather than being mortified. :twilightoops:

8078517 I'm in Florida, we have Mexican and Cuban food here. I've eaten each before first dates before.

Went just fine each time.

8078517
Magic horse ladies do not pass gas. Your argument is invalid.

There were no signs of hoof smudges typical of earth pony or pegasus writing

Don't non-horned ponies write with their mouths? Why would there be 'hoof smudges', if their hooves aren't dextrous enough to write with?
I'd expect 'mouth smudges' to be a thing, not 'hoof smudges'.

Also...er...first...? No other comments on this chapter at the time of writing, so...I guess I can say that...?

she stared at the slender envelop

*Envelope. You forgot the 'e' at the end.
Envelop: wrap up, cover, or surround completely
Envelope: a flat paper container with a sealable flap, used to enclose a letter or document.

“Well, Twilight did mention using a time travel spell once or twice. And so has Starlight …”

“I’ve asked them both before. They’ve said no.” She wrinkled her snout and shrugged. “I thought it might be a way to get a leg up on some inspiration, but there is a slight issue with paradoxes and time loops, or so they’ve said.

Yeah, trust me when I say time travel can mentally scar you for life - do you want to see a war-torn Equestria? Or a world where ponykind lives in the jungle, hoping to hide from Chrysalis, knowing your friend could easily turn out to be a changeling spy or assassin? Or an empty world, devoid of any kind of life?
Do NOT mess around with time travel, girls, unless you want to see your world collapse.

torii gates ,,, lol nice usage of torii xD loved it btw.

8078869

8078547 Snorted my tea. Thanks, Cryo.

8079350 Thanks. I thought it might look pretty/classy.

Perfectly fluffy.

nyaaaaaaa

Neighpon

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

“Would you …” She licked her lips. “Would you like to come inside for coffee?”
Snow white ears perked straight up. Rarity’s blinked twice. “Coffee?”
“Or tea. Whichever you like. I have both.”

I will always and forever be be utterly baffled that you didn't have Rarity respond with something along the lines of wanting hot cocoa instead.

Also, please don't tell me Rarity was actually surprised at the invitation. She's way more savvy than that.

8078869 Thanks ever so much for the breakdown. We so very desperately needed it. After all, how could any of us know there were such dire consequences to time travel? If only there were an episode out there to warn us…

8080423 A missed opportunity, truly.

And I prefer to think it more pleasant surprise that Coco would invite her inside with the thinnest of veiled offers. Not actual "omg this is such a surprise!" but "well, well, this is nice~" if that makes sense.

This is very cute

This was so cute! I loved your characterization of Coco, and Mystery!Admirer!Rarity was delightful as well. :)

Really nice - and it was something that Rarity would come with! :yay:

But "Coat and Hat Mare", Rarity? :rainbowderp: Really? You are a fan of mysteries - you could come with a better pseudonym! :rainbowlaugh::duck:

somefish

Nice.

Good little story here, a light and fluffy read. The mystery element wasn't as...mysterious as it could have been, but you nailed the cute factor. Most enjoyable.:twilightsmile:

Nice work, Bossbug.

oh please let this be good
it would pop my 'liking a fanfiction' cherry

This was incredibly cheesy and sappy, but in the best possible way. You've got a great little romantic day-brightener here :twilightsmile:

I believe it’s called El Madre del Sol.

I think you used the wrong word here. "El" is a masculine, you should use the feminine word "La".

8078820 pony magic makes hooves work like hands

8081029

My understanding is that it was a reference to a specific romance novel. Probably a fairly popular one.

Absolutely adorable, I must say. Also, possibility of a sequel?

derpicdn.net/img/2016/8/18/1227688/small.png

Exquisitely above average.

I mean this in the absolute best and complimentary way, mind you. While so many fandom-acclaimed writers on this site manage to only make me raise an eyebrow in mild interest at best on a regular basis, I have actually not been this genuinely impressed with a story--certainly not a shipfic--on this site in months.

And while I therefore take mad mischievous glee in the fact that evidently it takes all five of you forming the goddamned Megazord simply to impress me, (:3) it kind of sucks when looking for stories to entertain my starved heart. You have my utmost gratitude for creating this, and I enjoyed it immensely.

That said, I do have one piece of critique that almost brought down the story for me. That being: if I had to pick one part of this story as the weak point... well, actually, there is no choice, this story's bulletproof in every facet save for the restaurant scene.

All through the story, the prose expertly manipulates the emotions of Coco and the reader, giving Coco everything she deserves in life along a whirlwind of padded luxury, notes flowering with language, invoking lilac fields and sealed with kisses. We inch ever closer to the truth, to the white mare who we hope more than anything in the universe is behind it all. Clearly it HAS to be her, but life has an awful sense of humor, so, paranoid we must remain.

We get close. Heart audibly beats. A small respite from the tension is provided via a scene where Coco interacts with koi that is simultaneously one of the most immersive and heartwarming things I've read on this site.

And then... there she is. It's Rarity. In Coco's mind, the world is perfect forever--

...cue semi-professional dinner. Flat, sparse dialogue laced with cordial niceties. Questions and answers that have already been answered throughout the course of the story, either in words or via inference. A complete lack of body language outside of a couple of welcome gestures from Rarity that slipped in there. Chemistry, description, empathy and emotion fly out of the window. My eyes glaze over and I start skipping entire swaths of paragraphs despite myself.

This would all be completely admissible if, y'know. This were a meeting between a boss and one of her employees and they were on good terms. But Carmare Freaking Sandiego just sent Coco across Manehattan to be primped and pampered with romantic letters as her every guide! This is the worst time to switch to Ultimate Decorum. :rainbowlaugh:

Ladies they are, but as the story states, these two have goddamn needs around each other. Show the ladylikeness, but lace it with... well, the spice of two mares who are actually close enough to one another to trust each other during an all-day stunt like this. Show me that Rarity's working up to asking Coco to be her girlfriend. Show Coco barely holding back from taking Rarity on that goddamn restaurant table right here and now. And amidst all of this, all of the decorum, all of the tension... have them bond as friends and co-conspirators in their profession, as these two have nopony else in each others' lives who can hit all of these notches at once. :heart:

I might be biased though

Fortunately, the final scene approaching Coco's apartment picks up the save, and the satisfaction. But again, that only brings the restaurant scene into stark relief with the rest of the story. Instead of a climax, we get a cooldown, when arguably the climax should have been the restaurant and the cooldown here at the apartment instead (except not that much of one, because... :3)

Anyway, as I said above, despite my bellyaching, I greatly enjoyed this. Bout damn time someone gave Coco some real attention again. Also, there are a lot of little details running around regarding Coco's life and character I may or may not wish to steal. The worldbuilding, it was good here. :)

I said I was impressed before, and I did not lie--however this story came just short of leaving me actually moved. Alas, t'was not to be.

But this was freaking cool anyways.

8117300 As said on Discord, I appreciate you taking the time to write this out! And I do agree, dinner could have been better, but that's something I'll have to work on should there be another RariCo fic in the works.

Also, fimfic needs a Bookishbait tag. For reasons. Namely, this fic. :trixieshiftright:

Basically what Bookish said. The restaurant scene falls a little flat, but everything else comes together quite well. I'm neutral towards Marshmallow Coco as a ship, but you definitely made this an engaging read.

8126937 Havin chatted with Bookish about her critique of the scene in detail, i must say that I agree with both of you. Honestly, this was a bit of a dip in my writing in terms of relationships. I feel I did decently with Coco in the buildup, but tripped on the final stretch. Something I'll have to address in future stories.

Thank you for reading.

Oh, I'm so excited to see what happens?!?

Omg!
I have the hugest grin right now!!!!
I love this story so much!
:pinkiehappy::heart:

The stove would have to be pretty weak if boiling water could somehow do damage to it.

Don't listen to the neigh Sayers it's well written so far nicely done.:twilightsmile:

Okay, that was quite adorable and a very good read too. Best story I've read in a long time. Good work!

Awwww. How adorable. Spike may have some qualms about this ship though.

9202040
Not if Sweetie Belle has anything to say about it.

8078517
Darling, this is only the most high-quality and sophisticated Mexihoof cuisine. It is perfectly suited to the delicate system of a mare.

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