• Member Since 10th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen January 10th

CGPH


UK-based Writer and Actor. Lover of Kajiu and The Dazzlings. Not on here as much as I used to be, but like to check in occasionally.

T
Source

On her way home one evening, Sunset Shimmer is jumped. Beaten and broken, she must now try and reintegrate back to her normal life, all while living under the constant fear her attackers will return to finish the job. As her mental condition worsens, it soon becomes apparent this is one problem that a blast of rainbow magic won’t solve...


Wonderful artwork courtesy of kul. Proofread by ForBloodySummer. Probably my best work, if you're only going to read one of my stories, make it this one.
(Teen tag due to indepth description of physical violence in opening chapters.)

Now has a review by Arcanum Phantasy, which can be watched here!

Chapters (12)
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Comments ( 156 )
kul

I wince when I read this. Man, this is all awful things. Good job turning it into words..!
of course Sonata had to be the one that broke the beating, how typical...

The writing is absolutely top notch; not to mention that Sunset works wonderfully in dark, gritty scenarios like this. Definitely watching this story!

Dude...that was intense.
Hope you keep going with this!

Did Sonata just watch and hold sunset against the wall or did she get in some hits herself. My money is on the former

This was brutal, good job, hoping to read more!

If rainbow and applejack had gone after the sirens it woulda been a fair fight adagio and aria vs rd n aj. Sonata doesnt look like a fighter. I can see adagio beating rd due to rd losing her temper. Aj and aria would be a much more exciting fight.

Loving the grittiness of the story, and the genuine fear of the sirens. Glad Sunset decided to let the others in.

I noticed one or two little errors in there - nothing that spoiled my enjoyment of it, but I'll try to remember them now for if you feel like changing them.

The plural of knife is knives, rather than knifes. There was one other small thing, but I can't now remember what it was, sorry.

Looking forward to the next chapter!

I need a time machine so I can fast forward to next weekend!
This story has me so hooked!

7497805 Thanks a lot for pointing that out, fixed now :) I'm glad you're enjoying the story :pinkiehappy:

Sunset blinked a few times and licked her lips, regaining her composer.

Rarity snapped, losing her lady like composer completely.

The word is composure.

They came to CHS last year and tried to feed off negative energy by turning everybody against eachother.

They all exchanged glances with eachother, unsure of how to proceed.

“Why do you and the three girls who attacked Sunset not like eachother?”

It should be each other.

...there was one thought that laid dominate in Sunset’s mind.

This should be dominant.

Other than that, there were a few smaller errors. Really enjoying the story so far.

Woo, new chapter! Still liking it very much so far. Not quite sure what Rainbow was doing, but presumably either I've missed something or all will be revealed in time.

Hope you don't mind, but I picked up on a few oversights and copied them down as I read, as I forgot to do so last time. Please do say if you'd rather I didn't, that's completely cool.

She opened her mouth to breath, took a jagged breath and closed it again.

Pretty sure the first 'breath' here should be 'breathe'.

She’d been sweating during her sleep, making her hospital cling to her in a horrible sensation.

Think there's a word missing here, I'm guessing 'gown.'

Plus that would involve talking to them outside of police custardy.

Pretty sure this was a joke in the first ever episode of The Office, but... you mean custody here. Custardy means to be covered in custard.

“It’s… okay.” Twilight didn’t her gaze.

Think there's a word missing here too.

Fantastic to hear you're hoping to have a new chapter each week, wish I could keep to anything like that kind of quick schedule myself!

this is one of those situations that's just... och. Well, i am looking forward to see what happens as this one progresses.

I'm going to be incredibly pedantic here.

Pinkie's smile doing a 360 suggest that it completes a full turn, which means it would begin as a smile and end as a smile. To turn upside down, and become a frown instead, it would need to do a 180.

Loved all this otherwise, though :raritywink:

7499155 Your profile picture looks fucking delicious.

From here on I'm going to try and average a new chapter every Saturday but err.... don't quote me on it.

:ajsmug::trollestia:
derpicdn.net/img/2013/1/7/205540/medium.gif

kul

I really like this fic you know? You focused on the thing that matters, which is Sunset's emotional situation. Because, lets face it, while your physical wounds may heal, what lies inside in your heart iz much harder to mend. The relationship between friends here is really intresting because people reacts to trauma differently, and this is also one of this story strong points. Keep it up! I kinda want to draw something about it, but my schedule a bit tight..hehe

I wonder since you handle this humanly aspect so well, would you dabble a bit about the magical one as well? I kinda want to see Sirens kept true to their original nature, and keep animosity towards Rainbooms when they finally decided to skip town for good

7514858 Thanks! I tried to find the best (free-to-use) picture of ice cream I could.

7514662 Thank you so much! I really appreciate you doing that, if anything I should be apologising for my carelessness! I try my best but I don’t have a proof reader and I think there’s only so many times you can re-read your own writing before it just all blurs together, know what I mean? It was a big help pal, I appreciate the kind words and thanks for your help :twilightsmile:


7514740 Not at all! Thanks for that pointing out, I knew what I meant when I wrote it :rainbowlaugh: Fixed it now, glad you’re enjoying the story



7515233 I’m so glad you said all that :heart: You made my day, I think you just really well summed everything that I’m trying to do with this fic. My approach for this is exactly that, I wanted it to be an in-depth character piece for Sunset as we watch her recovery. I’m really happy I seem to be achieving that :twilightblush:

Oh my gosh! I’d just about die if you drew something based on this! I’ve never had anything done like that before, I’d be honored :pinkiegasp:

As for the Sirens, I’m hoping to not take TOO MUCH creative license with this story. My aim is to try and portray them (and all the characters) as closely to how they were in Rainbow Rocks, albeit they’ve been through some stuff since then. That’s my attempt to keep it grounded in the reality of the show, you know?

Thanks again for all the kind words, hope the rest of the story will live up to your expectations :twilightblush:

kul

7515765
Your welcome. If you can keep things as it is, and managed to built the characters without the help of shipping powers (which I dont think is really necessary in this scenario) then you surely hit gold. Im a bit sad that many people are probably turned off by the graphic word-by-word commentary on Sunset's beating in the first chapter, which makes them to miss the healing process afterwards.

Yeah lets keep it somewhat realistic for this one, but, keep in mind that some people wont move on that easily, especially for something that had been a part of them for such a long time had been taken from them, rendering them half of once they once been. Things can be forgiven, but not forgotten, yet I dont really sees the Sirens as the type of girls that can do both of those things.

yes, Im trying to persuade you to do a "irredeemable villains Siren" trope but its all up to you in the end

kul

7515765
Psst. How's this ?
67.media.tumblr.com/8872dbfb36a88bec003f2978e1ea572f/tumblr_ocmkgaZkSr1v51e59o1_1280.jpg
The actual link is in my tumblr. Just tell me if you want to do something about it^^

7518504 Holy crap that's amazing :pinkiegasp:

I REALLY bloody like that! You COMPLETELY captured what I'm going for! Do you mind if I use that as this story's cover image? I'll give full credit. Can't get over how much I love it :pinkiehappy: :heart:

It's just occurred to me I've actually seen your art before! The one of Human Twi showing Sunset her yearbook, and it's got the Dazzlings in, that's you isn't it? Some awesome stuff, I've give your Tumblr a follow :scootangel:

kul

7519088
Go ahead! Please do! I currently cant edit my tumblr post now to make it to include your link anytime soon. Sorry about it. If you want to credit me, just hyperlink it to my tumblr, thats my base of operations lol.

Also, if you add a title in the image with bold, white, font on the image it would be just great! Sorta like those old novels or something. I initially want to include that, but I want to hear your opinion first

Pretty good start. I'll give a further read, but first I should point out a few issues:She could make out the fuzzy silhouettes of four legs stood in front of her.

but all her best effort

"efforts"

A new taste joined the pennies in Sunsets mouth. She liked her lips, tasting the salty sensation and realized she was crying. It was now she was able to make sense of the metallic taste in her mouth. It was her blood.

These should be"Sunset's" and "licked" and there needs to be a colon (:) between "mouth" and "it"

she could make out the two figures stood before her.

"standing"

The white dazed returned

This shoudl really be either "daze" or "haze"

Each blow hit causing Sunset to go a little bit more nub

"numb"

Each hit into Sunsets stomach

The possessive form would be "Sunset's". This happens multiple times throughout, so I recommend going through and checking this.

with the occasional one lamping her in the face

While lamping is a word, it doesn't belong here. The proper word would be something like "striking" or "smashing"

She just, existed.

Remove the comma.

Sunset didn’t know how long she was lay there for

"how long she laid there for".

But she did know that world

Missing "the" before "world"

I'm liking this story so far, but you really need to get a proofreader or two. Being riddled with little mistakes here and there ruins the experience. And I'm not just talking about grammar either, but things like this:

Rarity was obviously doing it because she too felt the need to give her something. Which was understandable, Rarity being the element of generosity after all.

Pony Rarity is the bearer of the Element of Generosity. Human Rarity isn't the Element of anything, none of the girls are. Just because their Equestrian counterparts were chosen by the Elements doesn't mean they bear them as well.

I love this story, and I think it's great, but if I could make a suggestion that when Sunset has her flashbacks of the Dazzlings, don't keep using the exact wording from the first chapter. It gets repetitive. Try using different wording, otherwise people will get bored of those scenes, and just skip over it.

kul

I held my breath at the last portion if the story, hoping for it to end somehwere along the way but it didnt (Until the last sentence, yknow) Damn, what is this feeling? You really know how to get into Sunset's head thats for sure, and our readers head as well! Darnit.

That creak js a killer move, because we all must have experience it somewhere along our lives.. Super relatable, which makes it even scarierrr

“And lastly,” Redheart said, folding her arms. “How are you going to take it?”

Sunset: Puts on sunglasses, and folds arms "Like a boss..."

“Rocky Horror?”

“It’s Tim Curry in his element! I like him, not the singing.”

Awwww, yeahhhh :ajsmug:

“Odd… she looks familiar.” A background voice said to her.

Are we going to find out who that girl was?

Oh man, those small instances of everyday horror were on point. Caught myself holding my breath a couple times while Sunset was traversing the corridor.

There /were/ a few small mistakes though. Might point out the spots when I'm on my laptop later :twilightsmile:

Wow, you're prolific, I have no idea how you write such long chapters so quickly, yet still manage to make them so good. Really impressed! Liked this chapter. Especially the fear towards the end, which was very, very well written. If I may highlight them, I noticed some things that perhaps weren't intended:

Baring all that in mind, Sunset couldn’t wait to get home.

Baring as a verb here means getting naked, rather than bearing something in mind (much like one grins and bears it).

As she got closer, the girl’s finer details began to take shape. She was about Sunset’s age, but something was making her look a lot older. Her shoulder length hair was in a mess, her skin had paled and bags had formed under her bloodshot eyes. The girl’s nose had reddened on its tip, presumably from blowing it too hard. It shocked Sunset to see the girl in such a state. She wouldn’t admit to it, but it also made her feel a bit lucky.

Nothing wrong here, just wanted to check you're aware that we're yet to see a physical description of the girl to help picture her (I wondered if you described her more in the last chapter, but went back to check and couldn't see it there). I quite understand that the MLP universe has some very distinctive colour schemes, so describing someone as having, say, mint green skin is an obvious giveaway of who they are, if you're trying to keep that secret for later chapters. But giving at least a hair colour is really helpful for picturing people, I think, so I thought I'd point out that there's a golden opportunity in this paragraph to add blonde/brown/blue/orange/whatever between 'shoulder length' and 'hair,' unless you think it will lose something by doing so.

She would give money to beggers.

Wasn't sure if this was an American/British language difference, but Googled it and found that beggars is always ars.

All of it, the murderers, the muggers, the gangbangers, they were all out there.

Erm... yeah. I know this is technically correct, and that is indeed a street term for people who carry out shootings for gang members, and it's their fault rather than yours for choosing an impossibly-stupid name, but... I simply can't take that term seriously. Given how many more tales of group sex exist on this site than of gang violence, I wonder if another term might work better in its place?

Her friends had quickly ushered her in and lay her out on the couch, then they’d all settle down into their own places littered about her living room. Rainbow and Fluttershy on the floor and Twilight and Rarity on the other couch with Applejack leaning against.

I had to Google this one too, turns out it's a big can of worms. The chart a few paragraphs down this page I found rather useful. Lay is the present tense of the verb to lay, (as in to put or place something down), or the past tense of to lie (to rest or recline - but not to deliberately say something untrue, which is a different verb that's identical in the present tense but different in the past). I think lain is the best fit here, the past tense form of lie. Also, I wonder if that last sentence might need an 'it' on the end, rather than just Applejack leaning against, but I'm not certain.

She loved them all, but they weren’t nearly aware of their own actions as Sunset was.

I think there's an as missing, so it would be nearly as aware.

But none the less that, just like this, was a topic she was sensitive about.

Yep, had to Google this one too, turns out nonetheless is all one word.

“No Pinkie Pie it’s an expression… it means…w-why did you think I meant with blood?”

Just to say, I loved this line!

“Tarder sauce! You loved Chicago!” Applejack pointed a finger at her.

Loved this reference too, but if you mean the grumpy cat I think you mean, it's Tardar Sauce, as a weird alteration of tartar sauce.

It was almost deafening. There was not a noise to be heard. No cars outside, no clanging of her plumbing, not her neighbours moving about, nothing. Just a dead silence. Sunset felt very aware of her own presence, as though she was the only living entity in an eternity of nothingness. It made her uneasy.

Really liked this bit, with the orange glow of the street lamps. Sounds like my flat at 3 a.m.

She quickly pulled the door behind her shut. She leant against it for a second, regaining her composer.

Sorry, but I laughed at this one. Speaking as a composer, I personally don't mind being regained by Sunset Shimmer. Alas, I think she was after her composure.

She’d been accidentally left her lampshade on when she came in here earlier, but for once Sunset was pleased by her carelessness. The room was dimly light in a reddish ting, making it look unusually romantic for the current situation

Think those two sentences might need looking at again. The word been definitely doesn't belong near the start of the first sentence, I think it should be: She'd accidentally left. The room was dimly lit, rather than light (or possibly lighted, apparently that's ok too but it sounds unnatural to me), and I think you mean a reddish tinge?

I've never pointed things like that out to another author, it seems mean to dwell on the negatives, but in the editable online medium they're easy to fix if you want to do so. I highlight them because you're clearly a very good author, and I get the impression they're largely oversights rather than mistakes.

I gotta say, I wasn't hugely intrigued by the idea of this story when I first looked at it, but I liked some of the other things you wrote so I figured I'd give it a chance, and I'm really glad I did. This chapter in particular I think you did a really, really good job of conveying how Sunset felt and that part where the lights went out was legitimately nerve-wracking.

In kind of a bleak, morbid fashion I almost want it to end with the Dazzlings coming back and finishing her off, but at the moment I think I'll be interested regardless of what happens. Great job so far, each chapter seems a little bit better than the last. Maybe a tiny bit more editing to catch some of the smaller mistakes would make it even better, but you're certainly cranking this out a lot faster than I could, so I can't really complain that much.

Have I mentioned I like this story yet? Because I do. Thanks for taking the time to write it.

Also, guessing that the girl in the hospital was Sonata. Putting it out there now. Feel free to laugh at me if I'm wrong.

Poor Sunset, I have the feeling that her paranoia will only get worse from this point onward.

Yay, update! :pinkiehappy:

Liked this chapter a lot. The proofreading helped quite a bit with the grammery stuff, although there are still quite a few passive verbs sprinkled throughout that could be changed to active. Minor detail, not sure that's worth worrying too much about. The plot is also moving a little bit slowly for my tastes, but that ought to be changing now that more people are getting involved.

“How did you know she would respond to that?” Twilight whispered. Rarity swallowed. “I’ve er… had experience, with… people in her position before.”

Now that's something I would like to know more about. But i can wait till the next chapter...or whenever your going to explain it.

I really think the girls need to inform Celestia about what has happened to Sunset. She is about to break down and is obviously suffering from mental trauma from the attack. A councilor should be made available for her soon I hope.

“Maybe I am a mess. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m out of my mind! But, God help me, I will keep these lights up until the day I die!” the woman shouted.

I fucking love you for this.

Loved the role Rarity assumes in this chapter, actually. Seems very in-character for her.

Is it wrong i would kinda like seeing rainbow and AJ throw down against adagio and aria

Well, this is clearly NOT going to go well, seeing as this story has the tragedy tag on it....
Who's going to die though?..:trixieshiftright:

My guess is Aria...she's going to be the one to lash out when they see eachother. My guess is it'll be an accident on the rainbooms part in self defense, but Aria will end up dying, one way or another, I think.

Well this will end well. I hope they find nothing.

Comment posted by kul deleted Sep 21st, 2016

Oh dear. All of the red flags.

I'm curious as to what Rarity's background here is; I'm sensing there might be a connection to the mystery girl in the hospital, but that's speculation at this point. It couldn't have heen Sweetie Belle and otherwise I'm out of ideas.

7570536 ...DAMN SON! While that's not 100% correct, it is suspiciously close to something I'm planning to touch on... a bit too close actually :rainbowlaugh:

kul

7581434
whew.. Just in case I just deleted the comment,, dont want to spoil the fun to people here

Help them? Yeah help them get sent to prison! They tried to commit murder.

kul

THat countdown, man, that countdown!
Maybe it was me thats being paranoid by myself, but damn, DAMN, why yoy keep doing this to me in each chapter! There's always gonna be a moment of thrill in every chapter

Also, I was seriously kinda hoping that when Sunset thinks everything had gone for the better, the Dazzlings shown up for real in her room, looking for payback.. but I understand that thats just going to make things back to square one

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