• Member Since 29th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen Saturday

Chaos Phantasm


A frustrated Australian FIMfiction author. I like to write stories, be they good or bad. I always have an idea in my head just waiting to be used. I love to write and I'm happy to bring it here.

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For one so young to be alone such as her would be to throw a child over a cliff. Darkness would surely take her and in the end starvation end her. She was alone in the world, nobody to care for her anymore, and just weeks after a tragedy that led her to this state. She was lost in the world, awaiting a fate she had no concept of.

She was wild when she found her, a little girl in rags, afraid of contact with strangers, with people who had showed her mistreatment since she had come to be homeless and in poverty. Still she took her in, and cared for her. They formed a bond that could be unbroken. A home provided, a person to count on, talk to, and care for her. Somebody to love her for who she is.


This is NOT supposed to be a rewrite or copy of Past Sins, some events in the first few chapters may be similar, or have some elements that mirror some of the events. Later chapters will be very different. Please be open minded.

Cover art by - shelbythehedgehog112
Second cover by - Bluest-Ayemel
Preread and edited by Word Worthy (Chapter 01 - Chapter 06)
Rewrites assisted by MixMassBasher.
Nyx, Gray Gale and Spell Nexus were created by Pen Stroke.
Phobos was created by JusSonic

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 128 )

An interesting idea for a story, I like it.
Please continue.

Well you can't avoid comparisons with Past Sins and some events will parallel quite closely, while others will be completely different, Nyx's origins being the first big deviation. The world of Equestia Girls is a parallel one, which likely means Equestrian Nyx is with Twilight by now, I think she's going to be conflicted. How much should she tell Sunset, after all some much CAN'T be the same she'll have no real idea what facts are parallel and what are completely unique. I get the feeling the Sirens will be the antagonists and Human Spell Nexus might be one of Nyx's relatives, either a dead beat dad or maybe a relative trying to find her after her parents died? Also I caught the transformers reference, Metroplex Mall? Is there a military base near by called Fortess Maximus?

This is heartbreaking see Nyx like this.:applecry:

You monster, how dare you hurt Nyx like this. *hugs her*

Though, now the questions are starting to arise, what is the difference between this Nyx an the one we know? Why does she recognize Twilight? Is the past sins world in cannon?

This must be AU! Nyx. Wait, isn't Sunset Shimmer a bit young to be a mother in this universe?

This is good, I like it.

I also have two theories about this paragraph:

The door suddenly moved open, Sunset Shimmer moved her hand and looked up at the door. Nyx was standing there, she looked down at her with her one visible eye then looked to the bed, a sense of familiarity came when she saw the different Elements of Harmony that was put into the bed sheet's design, she was drawn more toward the star-burst at the center, she mumbled something under her breath but her lips read Twilight. Though the word was unfamiliar to Nyx, nor the pony it regarded, however the feeling of knowing was strong, but it was confusing, she did not remember, she did not know.

I'm thinking that either:
1) Nyx has amnesia or has suppressed memories.
2) Nyx is from Equestria

I think 1 is more likely, but these are just two of my theories.

I hope, and its a small change it might happen this way... that Adagio, wont try anything to hurt Nyx.

you know, the whole 'She may be evil, but she aint heartless' thing

But with the dark tag, i think something big will happen later

"Lookin’ mighty formal there, Pinkie Pie. All that's needed now is an umbrella and you're gold." Applejack smiled.

I smell a FNaF ref. :trixieshiftleft:

6101798 An unintentional FNaF ref. :derpytongue2:

While its got several errors and the writing did make me cringe at times, this dose look like an interesting tale. Lets see where this goes.

6101884 Yeah, my writing is really bad when compared to Kkat and Pen Stroke. And what error's did you find? Could you PM the major errors to me so I could get around to fixing them, if possible? :twilightsmile:

Oh wait no, unless it's in the writing itself that has errors there shouldn't be any. Comma's being used at ends of sentences that don't end in actions is actually punctuation. So if you meant that those were the errors that's not the case, it's punctuation that is all, I could be wrong though I just had a hunch that was what you meant. :twilightsheepish:

Mmmm interesting,very interesting indeed. I look forward to where you would take this story:raritystarry:

Similar to Past Sins, but I still like this story. Keep on the good work!

Nice chapter. Can't wait to see more.:pinkiehappy:

Interesting... I hope you keep this different from Past Sins and give Nyx + Sunset their own set of issues though. Eg. Don`t make Celestia or Luna drop the idiot ball on Nyx again like they did in Past Sins.

I wonder if Twilight will find oit about Nyx. If this is an alternate universe that means past sins never happened?:rainbowhuh:
My head hurts!:raritydespair:
Anyway great story!:pinkiesmile:

6120392 All will be revealed as the chapters come, just wait. :raritywink: :trollestia:

why wasn't this in my feed? I see the blog post and think: chapter 4?

Keep up the good work!!! I can't wait for more!:heart::pinkiehappy::rainbowkiss::raritystarry:

Sunset Shimmer drank the milk in her bowel

>mfw typo generates unexpected comedy

The amber-skinned girl

Please let this be the only time I see this. Once is okay but don't let it become a habit. :twilightsmile:

Hmmm. Not sure what to think of this just yet. The little girl hasn't really had much to do with the story. If anything, it seems you're setting up a conflict with the Dazzlings. I wonder what their role will be. And how the Rainbooms will go with their original music.
Character voicing is good though; everyone sounds like they should.

Writing's a little sloppy and the pacing seems a bit off sometimes but otherwise this is an interesting read so far.

the pink teen who just now realized

The pink teen put the car key into the key hole

Oh I hope this doesn't begin to annoy me.

She presented Sunset Shimmer with an umbrella.
The flame haired girl took it

I think it might be about to...

The child could see that Sunset Shimmer was a person whose heart had been one of doubt and loneliness, she could see the teen was seeking redemption and was kind and gentle, a fire which burned with her like the fire of a phoenix.

Wow. How can one so young see this? That's a really deep level of perception. Of course this could all be part of your plan, but for now I'm skeptical.

I think it's luck that caused us to find each other like we did.

I don't think it is, actually. What it was was you conveniently declining the ride with AJ back to your place even though it was raining. :applejackunsure:

Rough as this is, I want to read on. I want things to get better for Nyx.
Also, Sunset has clearly learned a lot about the Kindness side of friendship. So what happens tomorrow? Will Sunset awaken to an empty bed, or will Nyx still be there?
Hmmm. Onward!

Anyway, the rain season has stopped, fall is coming.

Um... isn't Spring the rainy season? Saying Fall is coming implies we're in Summer.

She poked her cheek with her tongue in thought and turned into the living room, walking over to the fire place where she picked up a set of old glasses

Well, that's rather lucky that Sunset would happen to have such a thing just lying around.

"S-Sorry... I should have warned you. Tooth paste doesn't taste nice,"

Must suck to live in America EqG Canterlot. I have delicious-tasting toothpaste. Colgate is the best. :pinkiehappy:

Rarity shook her head. "Well, no dear. You don't expect me to keep glasses lying around, do you?" Rarity put her hands on her hips.

Oh you mean like how Sunset did? :duck:

"I think this will cover the expenses... hopefully," she said optimistically.
Spyglass took the bag and put in the register. "Thank you, Ms. Have a nice day." He smiled.

That's a, uh, very trusting shopkeeper.
It also makes me wonder how loaded Rarity is to just give away 99 bits to a child and make her an epic outfit. There's generosity, and then there's running yourself into the ground.
Ah, she has a motive. An unknown one. Welp.

Taking her to school? Why do I see this going bad. If I remember Past Sins well enough, and you're following it sorta-kinda-maybe, I have a feeling that two little brats are gonna try to make Nyx's life more difficult.

Yeah, I'm liking this. It's kinda cute. I hope we get some conflict next chapter though, because things are moving a little slow.
Tell you what though, you write an adorable Nyx.

"But we only tried on three costumes," Pinkie Pie sighed.

I only read about two outfits.

Writing seems very telly and full of fluff so far. The premise is a little iffy as well and I think the writing could make or break the story.

"Of all the days to forget my bike," she sighed.

So she would have put her bike into Pinkie's car? Which Pinkie somehow had despite walking into the city with her friends.

I feel like there is a lot of unneeded detail. We don't particularly care about how Sunset gets to bed and so don't need a paragraph describing her going downstairs and tidying up her things.

6156535
I know what you mean, the concept is interesting but I feel it can slip easily into being bad or good.

6156618
In EG, it seems like the CMC and all the other foals are aged up to be Freshmen or something like that. Nyx would need to go to a different school since she is 7.

The pace is really slow, I think you should pick it up and ignore adding some detail. The reader doesn't need to know what hand a characters used to open a gate. Also a lot of "the fiery haired teen" and "purpled haired girl". I think Cerulean Voice mentioned how this can be a little annoying if used too much.

6159984 I'll try to improve for chapter five and on wards and perhaps in the future, I'll fix up some of the issues brought up by you and Cerulean in the earlier chapters. I don't really want to see this story fall to pieces so I have to step up my game. I'll be sure to be less detailed as the story progresses.

6160953
Remember, detail is good, but only when it makes sense. Sometimes you just add detail to an action that could be finished in half a sentence. What stick with me is the paragraph where Sunset ladles Nyx a bowl of soup, it just had too much description and slowed the pace of the story down significantly. I could pick out paragraphs to read while skipping most of the story and would have a general idea of what was happening at the end of the chapter. I wouldn't know things like where the old glasses where that Sunset picked up but I would know that Nyx has terrible vision.

6161225 People have told me before I should be more detailed, thus why I am so over the top detailed as I am, and why it becomes unnecessary. I have gotten used to being so detailed and I can't focus if I didn't list where everything was like I had OCD, I'm really sorry to be so messy I'll improve in chapter five once I recommence work, I thank you for your feedback. :twilightsmile:

6161260
Writing is a learning experience, just stay positive and know you got the guts to even post stories.

:facehoof:ughh might just be me but DONT make nyx a emo wimp plz. I can live with her being "dum" cus its funny but that third bit there with rainbow and scootloo, no just no if you can. I get Nyx has had a shit life but really its just painful to read. anyway apart from that good job.

another lady with a purple coat and a scowl.

Hi Twilight what's up

"Rainbow Dash," answered Sunset Shimmer. "using her wings and flying again no doubt..."

smooth move Rainbow wait till you get the bill.

So this story is what happened on the other side of the mirror during Past Sins? Does that mean that this is before Sunset got reformed with friendship lasers then? I'm intrigued. :trixieshiftright:

6289614 Um... Reading the story, I think you'll find it takes place after Rainbow Rocks. That should answer most of your question. I highly recommend reading it, if you haven't. :twilightsmile:

Yaaaaaaaay my most favorite villian is on the road. Keep the good work up. :twilightsmile:

6303288 Technically Spell Nexus wasn't a villain, just possessed.

6303832
But he had the role of a Villian and that is what i am counting. And yes i know he is a good guy deep inside. But screw that... He also makes a good Villian

If Trixie is having trouble with finding Alchemy Books she should try looking under F for Flamel or Full Metal.

"somebody hit me, please..." sunset shimmer, with the blunt or pointy end of the stick?

That's kinda not how glasses work. At all.
There are a few things you need to know in order to get a pair of glasses that help.
The first is how your vision is off (nearsighted or farsighted), and how severe it is. That's the bare minimum for glasses to help at all.
The second is if you have astigmatism, what kind, and how severe it is.
The third part is the distance between the eyes. That let's you center the lenses over the eyes so things don't get distorted.

Sunset had none of that information, and getting it would require an optometrist and some equipment.

Don't think that I forgot about the time you tried to publicly KILL Twilight Sparkle by HANGING HER Spell Nexus!:twilightangry2::flutterrage:

I say we get the most aggressive, angry, ornery, ill-tempered, unfriendly, hungry humboldt squid we can find or breed, put them in a glass tank, provoke them with a broomstick, and feed Nexus to them!:pinkiecrazy:

6305842 This is true. You can't walk in and say you want certain glasses without knowing how bad your eyes really are. There are different lenses as well as the problem of one eye being worse than the other. If anything, it's like Sunset is picking up cheap designer glasses that were priced at 99 bits.

6305842
6309764

I understand that, and down the line when I'm not currently writing chapters for another story; I will fix it.

Now let me ask you both something; shouldn't Twilight also get the same lecture for buying glasses for Nyx at Rarity's request in Past Sins without the proper medical information? I have been meaning to re-read Past Sins for months but I remember quite clearly Twilight did the same thing that Sunset Shimmer did here, and in both that story and this one, retrieving the glasses had been at Rarity's request. I'm aware human Nyx and pony Nyx have different reasons for having to have glasses, but that doesn't change the fact that Twilight would need the same thing Sunset Shimmer requires (as you both say) to get them, regardless of whether Rarity needed them or not.

As I was typing this, I took the liberty of updating Sunset's dialogue about the glasses when talking to Spyglass, so that she mentions Rarity. In the original Past Sins the shop owner who sold the glasses to Twilight was no stranger to Rarity, though I highly doubt this requires explanation. I had hoped during the original writing, people would see that and enjoy that one of many similarities to Pen Strokes masterpiece (alternate universe means certain events can repeat themselves, albeit differently) and leave it be. :facehoof: I was wrong.

I will fix it eventually, as stated.

6309878 never read Past Sins... Well, the first couple of chapters before all the edits. So I really can't draw comparisons between that story and this because I never really read the other story past a certain point and lost interest in it anyway.

Plus I didn't mean to offend. Kind of a tiny irk I have.

6309878
In Past Sins Nyx's eyes were fine, so what Twilight got her was a pair of vanity glasses. Vanity glasses just have a flat plate instead of a lens, so it's no different than looking out a window.
You made a lot of references to this Nyx having poor eyesight and how these glasses fix that, so she needs corrective lenses.

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