A young man named Alex was in a car crash and is in a coma and isn't waking up anytime soon. His past haunts him causing enough chaos and pain to get the attention of Luna what will happen? Have to find out soon.
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FlufferNutters
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FlufferNutters · 22k words · 84 5 · 3.1k views
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Well I can't say I'd give this a high score, perhaps 50/50 if it were on option on here. A few particular issues I noticed included overusing words in places, for example, "The room being plain white with the occasional light blue from the light bouncing off the light blue curtains reflected the silence in the room." The word "light" was used three times in a single sentence and that distracted me from the actual story. Another issue was telling rather than showing such as, "it is clear that Jack isn't able to drive properly ," I would recommend describing Jack's intoxication rather than just saying he can't drive properly. The tense of the story is inconsistent from present to past to present again. I recommend these sites for the little grammar issues that come up in writing: http://www.crockford.com/wrrrld/style.html http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingexercises/qt/punctuation.htm
I found the plot to be too much too soon in terms of heavy emotional and violent themes. A lot happens in a short time although it was consistent in terms of cause and effect. I think it could use spreading out to bring in more characterization, particularly of Alex. At this point Alex is pretty generic and his character is defined by the bad things that happen to him and not his actual personality, and that makes it difficult to identify with them and thus it's not easy be interested in the outcome.
4858244 I'll keep that stuff in mind for future writings
it's always nice when someone gets a second chance, i liked it
Nice back story
The writing in this story could be improved, but dammit I'm a sucker for wish-fulfillment pony transformation stories. Flaws aside, I liked this. :)
5769784 Thanks :) I will admit this isn't my best work. But check out the sequel story Life and Adventures of Peanut Butter as well as my EQG story Getting Back to Good
Minus the flaws I really like this story
I'm excited to start reading the sequel
6526419 I still have to update the sequel to it so you'll have plenty of time :) I haven't gotten around to editing this one yet, so sorry for the errors. I also recommend reading Getting Back to Good.
This is an awesome story! I loved it!