- Member Since 18th Mar, 2015
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Lon35hadow
A gamer for as long as I can remember, and always willing to help my friends; gamer or non gamer; Xbox, Playstation, or PC: if I can help, I will.
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"kill a few soldiers on each side."
*favorites*
So... What I first saw this story I had some pretty high hopes. Let be brutally honest here, a Sangheili in Equestria? I was expecting something along the lines of this.
Let's take quite possibly the most brutal, war-mongering race in the Halo Franchise, where one's very social status is determined by a number of confirmed kills and won duels they have under their belt, and stick them in a world filled by technicoloured magic ponies powered by love, tolerance, and friendship.
INSTEAD, I got what give off very strong Self Insert Mary Sue HiE vibes. So, let me tell you what would probably make this story read a whole hell of a lot better. Take it or leave it, it's your story.
Now before I begin with the painful part of this nitty gritty job I wanna say this. You have quite a few stories under your belt. I'm not going to take the time to read them all because I don't know how your style may vary. At the same time, I notice many of them are incomplete, and only one of them has more than 1000 views total. My hope while doing this is that you manage to write something in the future that hits it big. I'm talking the next Haylo tier story, or maybe even FoE tier.
#1 Please drop the First Person. First person has to be the least popular narrative format ever... In the history of narrative formats. I and many, many other readers I know would rather listen to a monotonous, horrifically done Audio Book rendition of some shit tier stories so long as they were done in the Third person. Nothing against the content of your story quite yet, just the narrative you chose to write it in.
You see the First Person Narrative ((From this point on known as FPN)) reads very much so like a self-insert. While this probably /is/ a self-insert the last thing you wanna do is write it like a self-insert. Take "Behind the Eyes of Another Pony" by Cardslaughter. His goal was to make a Self Insert Mary Sue HiE Get the Filly story. Possibly the most hated story out there. I think if he was an Alicorn it would be rated #1 Hated story type by default. He didn't write it like any of those things. Yeah, he wrote it in First Person but he really embellishes two major things. Comedy... And Comedy. Yeah, there are serious moments, but the narrative is most just him making fun of himself cause he was drunk while writing it. I just went back and quickly read about the same amount of that story as I did this story and let me tell you... If you want the First Person feel, I would really look how he does it. Wish I had more examples, but there are two groups with more than 10 stories each. Just go quickly look for them.
#2 Human... Turned Sangheili... In Equestria. Now, I read the synopsis ((Mostly)) and it just sounded like inspiration. Comic Con, Dressed as a Sangheili, Prophet, beam rifles. It sounded like the inspiration for the story. Then I read it, and the first paragraph is in the middle of some mundane battle surrounded by what are obviously your personal favorite ponies. Not only was this a little tacky, but it conforms to the HiE trope so badly that people who are even remotely hesitant about reading HiE will probably be turned off. Read ((Or try too)) read what is written of a story called "Blue Angel" by V-Pony. That has to be a gorgeous HiE. It was done PERFECTLY oh my god. Every detail is explained, it's beuful. So Beuful. Totally check it out. It is by far HiE done VERY right.
#3 Characterization. Ok, first off, why is a famous model-esque wife of a Famous all round pony just an operative? Why does Equestria use US Military ranks? Actually, that's way to nit picky. Why is Fleur an Operative?! Is she a person engaged, employed, or skilled in some branch of work, especially productive or industrial work, a Secret Agent, or a Spy? Why is Rainbowdash just considered a "Ranger"? Is she a Military Elite? Why is "Pie" a so-called "Officers" if I can quote you directly? Is she somehow more qualified for combat than the pony who in the show may as well be trying out for an elite aerial task force? If so how?
Are any of these questions answered or did you just throw them in because you didn't want to pick/make characters that would fit better in those positions, and you the titles just to sound cool? If these are the answers to the questions then please warn people that this is somewhat a spoof and add the comedy tag in. If not, please put more work into fleshing out your characters, and don't rely on just the show to do that. Especially don't throw away what the show gives you if you're going to do that. Take this opportunity to give your readers a look into how you think they work. Flesh them out even more. Especially Fluer, who has had all of 6 minutes screen time in the entire show IF I am being nice about it.
#4 This part is kind of a right and wrong. I'm going to start with the wrong so that we can end on a good note, and trust me it is good. Leave out the human part. As far as I can tell, it adds nothing to the story other than "I am a human in a Sangheili Body in Equestria".
I'm going to be brutally honest with you man, your CORE idea is fucking killer. Sangheili Goes to Equestria! Let the unintentional hilarity fucking begin! Adding the "Human" though? That is a serious buzz kill, and I am fairly certain people share my view. This idea has some serious chops and serious balls. If you pulled this off, this could be the next biggest hit in the Halo MLP community by a land slide. Don't let it slip away on a generally unliked story arch type and let someone else swoop in and pick up what you did right to go make an awesome story of their own.
As a side note, you should probably really complete all those stories you have on the go before starting up another story regardless. You got readers man, and I'm sure 12 stories worth of people waiting for updates no matter how long you take to update is a lot of work. Don't burn yourself out now.
There is a shitload of potential in this, As a Humans Acting Villainous Story or as a Bad-guy as a hero story, either would would work. But...
ok look. YOU NEED SOME BACKSTORY
all we have is that sombra killed Luna, or there is counter-intel and instead luna's helping him considering both magics are being used.
Thats. It.
You have halo generic halo fan and that his entire backstory.
And then there is time placement. Its confusing.
It started out as being sombra #1 (Before shadow, death thing)
Now its Sombra #2 (Shadow.) But he isn't a shadow and he somehow knows the magic of Tirek.
And the background, you have absolutely nothing. One skirmish and her telling you that canterlot exists. And that she is worst ruler ever (No wartime laws or anything!) which is OOC (Not just a smidge either)
Some advice for background though (In first person) is have it one extreme or the other, or in the middle. A good example of this is how, in Dairies of A Madman, it's a dark, gritty world with a shiny, glorious exterior (Pretty much the opposite of Australia). Or A Wolf Among Ponies (Becomes Dark and started Shiny as fuck, with human world being Pure Dark)
And then there are stories which have it be Purely a blissful land
My point is that you need background, be it your character noticing seemingly small things (Couple sipping same drink at a shop) Or a huge, in yo face thing (A giant Aurora Borealis with dancers in it, Thank you Disney)
And your guy need a personality, confusion, What the aboslutefuckness.
The princess seems way to young, she seems like she's only twenty instead of Blank-Thousand
And then theirs the fact that They Cannot Wage War Against Her. The nobels are right with their safe feeling. She Is Fire. She is
SmaugDeath.She controls the fucking SUN! Just a minor solar flare could heat up the spot a bit (You could have her make magic shield around everyone while it happens) And wham bam thank-you-maam Its done.
The point is you need more than "Oh this happened. Oh look that happened." with no character. You need him to act suprise. "Fucking Merchant" was not a good line. and then you skipped over what would have made this story Unique, The Tortue of having you body made completeky different. With no Painkillers. You shoulda described that instead of "Oh and it was really Painful!"
6737692 You do realize this story is in the early stages, is a displaced, and that second paragraph was before the flashback to how he got there, right?
6737949 You did nothing to counter or assure him that anything he said helpful. Also, this story background is going to get your story tons of shit from several groups (Read HaS and HaM. Those groups are gonna give you some serious shit.)
6738130 I'm already working on the next chapter for it to work on the background.
A Displaced in the Crystal Wars timeline? BUCKING YES!
I'm definitely tracking this, this is just too good to pass up!
6738227 You're on a lot of my displaced, aren't you?
Oh look, another shitty Gary Stu displaced.
How unexpected.
6738330 He's not a Gary Stu. I already have a chapter going to explain that.
6738351 Even if he isn't overpowered, he still has everything else going for him. Not to mention his attitude sounds exactly like a Gary Stu. Fimfic users can smell that shit in the water, so don't go saying you have a chapter to explain that. If we can tell right at the first chapter he's a Stu, I doubt there would be much improvement.
And let me point out some multiple critical errors already.
1. Rainbow Dash just up and gives no fucks about having an alien just up an meet Princess Celestia and takes his word that he won't cause trouble.
That, is frankly stupid as hell.
2. Princess Celestia automatically assumes he is an ally, when, this could easily be a trick by Sombra. She then proceeds to fucking list off the heads of her military. Even a fucking private knows that is the worst possible thing to relay to a a tactical enemy.
3. Celestia puts him in charge of a battalion, for once again, no fucking reason.
Part of the Gary Stu trope is the fact that the story revolves around them, which, plainly, it does right here.
6738233 What, me?
What can I say? Your stories are really cool!
6738570 Thanks.
6738602 No Problem!
keep up the good work!
6738661 Again, thanks. And since you like my displaced, how about a follow (hint hint.).
6738689
sure thing, BTW, my characters from my story are available for crossovers if you want to do one!
6738709 Copy that, and thanks for the follow. Have you read each of my displaced, which is this one, An Equestrian Spartan, A Valus Rising, a Duelist in Equestria, and The Guardian's Story?
6738719 I've read this one, The Guardian's Tale, and An Equestrian Spartan
Hmm the only true fault i can see is the first interaction with Celestia.
- I want to help you
- Ok lead on of my battalions, but i dont trust you !?
He did kill alot of sombras soldiers so i can see her giving him a chance (and Rainbow liking him becuse of actions speak louder than words) but command, maybee later.
you might want to remove the "leading" of battalion bit saying that he can join it and prove himself instead. (the crusaders was a little meeeh not bad not good.)
Other than that i feel it started of strong, more bakground on the war would bee nice (might even explain why Celestia was so fast on giving him command) but it is still early in the story so no worrys.
6739188 Thank you! Someone actually can infer!
This story is rushed like hell and in what universe would Celestia just give up a battalion to an unknown alien, that not only killed the enemy, but some of her soldiers. By god! This is shitty mess that needs to be teared down and rebuilt from scratch. I may have very poor tastes and don't care abut grammar when reading stories that much. But this is no story, but a mess of notes and ruched writing with little to no details. I would love to read this, but it is not a story, just a messy idea gone very wrong with no consideration with the readers. This is what I'm seeing as a reader and when the author is not considering how hard and painful it is to read it. It just drives us away from the story and future stories that you may make. But overall, this looks like a self centered story with no thought into a story plot whatsoever. Sorry, but that is reality of this very rushed and uncared for story. If you want my advice: Treat and grow a story like a child. It takes a lot of time, consideration and effort in your part. that is all I have to say. Good day and good luck to you.
HOW DO PEOPLE KEEP GETTING INTO MY IDEA FOULDER?!?!?!
6740163 its simple really. Google it.
So he takes enthusiastic walks through the woods.
Ruso = Alucard confirmed!!1!
Boss fight activated!
Great chapter! and Happy New Years!
I want Luna to actually be alive, that Sombra's declaration of her death to be a lie and he is keeping her alive to continually drain her for her magic.
Woo, new chapter! And we finally see this world's Twilight Sparkle!
this is goin to get interesting...alright, let me know when the next chapter will appear.
Dis is exciting
You have earned yourself a like, my friend
Only one last thing to say
http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/312/893/8ee.png
More this is so good
Is there crossover opportunities? Because I forgot if I'd already asked.
hmmm... Interesting
Looks good to me!
Holy throne, what a plot twist! And nice choice of music also!
No! Bad Luna, trying to be all evil and shit, you had your chance!
DA FUQ!? SHE'S ALIVE!! wait a minute.. and now I feel stupid for not noticing the connection sooner.. Midnight.. Luna.. of COURSE THEY'RE THE SAME!!
I can't help but feel as if this is...rushed, somewhat. I dunno, just got that feeling.
Damn.
this got intense real fast...
Shouldn't that be "a fifty and a twenty"? I mean, that's overpaying by $20.
Failed to capitalize an I, and the knees don't bend backwards. The part that bends forward is likely akin to our ankle/heel type area.
Crap, this is not good....
Please tell me the pile of ash that was found beside Shining's body is Flash Sentry's
You have an extra I in there.
When can we expect the next chapter?
Dang dude, that was intense! And awesome song selection!
Bruuuuhhh Please Ruso join Sombra, or at least have him and ruso talk
Dun dun dun!
Daym. What a twist!
Uh oh...
Now things are getting interesting!