I was once a normal human. Dishonorable, unclean. I went to a gathering of my former fellows, purchased something, and now, I am a Sangheili, defender of the Great Journey, in a world of human like creatures. Join me as I bring them honor.
Page generated in 0.018 seconds
Total duration
622 users online
1,028,318 hits today, 2,782,760 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
"kill a few soldiers on each side."
*favorites*
There is a shitload of potential in this, As a Humans Acting Villainous Story or as a Bad-guy as a hero story, either would would work. But...
ok look. YOU NEED SOME BACKSTORY
all we have is that sombra killed Luna, or there is counter-intel and instead luna's helping him considering both magics are being used.
Thats. It.
You have halo generic halo fan and that his entire backstory.
And then there is time placement. Its confusing.
It started out as being sombra #1 (Before shadow, death thing)
Now its Sombra #2 (Shadow.) But he isn't a shadow and he somehow knows the magic of Tirek.
And the background, you have absolutely nothing. One skirmish and her telling you that canterlot exists. And that she is worst ruler ever (No wartime laws or anything!) which is OOC (Not just a smidge either)
Some advice for background though (In first person) is have it one extreme or the other, or in the middle. A good example of this is how, in Dairies of A Madman, it's a dark, gritty world with a shiny, glorious exterior (Pretty much the opposite of Australia). Or A Wolf Among Ponies (Becomes Dark and started Shiny as fuck, with human world being Pure Dark)
And then there are stories which have it be Purely a blissful land
My point is that you need background, be it your character noticing seemingly small things (Couple sipping same drink at a shop) Or a huge, in yo face thing (A giant Aurora Borealis with dancers in it, Thank you Disney)
And your guy need a personality, confusion, What the aboslutefuckness.
The princess seems way to young, she seems like she's only twenty instead of Blank-Thousand
And then theirs the fact that They Cannot Wage War Against Her. The nobels are right with their safe feeling. She Is Fire. She is
SmaugDeath.She controls the fucking SUN! Just a minor solar flare could heat up the spot a bit (You could have her make magic shield around everyone while it happens) And wham bam thank-you-maam Its done.
The point is you need more than "Oh this happened. Oh look that happened." with no character. You need him to act suprise. "Fucking Merchant" was not a good line. and then you skipped over what would have made this story Unique, The Tortue of having you body made completeky different. With no Painkillers. You shoulda described that instead of "Oh and it was really Painful!"
6737692 You do realize this story is in the early stages, is a displaced, and that second paragraph was before the flashback to how he got there, right?
6737949 You did nothing to counter or assure him that anything he said helpful. Also, this story background is going to get your story tons of shit from several groups (Read HaS and HaM. Those groups are gonna give you some serious shit.)
6738130 I'm already working on the next chapter for it to work on the background.
I'm definitely tracking this, this is just too good to pass up!
6738227 You're on a lot of my displaced, aren't you?
Oh look, another shitty Gary Stu displaced.
How unexpected.
6738330 He's not a Gary Stu. I already have a chapter going to explain that.
6738351 Even if he isn't overpowered, he still has everything else going for him. Not to mention his attitude sounds exactly like a Gary Stu. Fimfic users can smell that shit in the water, so don't go saying you have a chapter to explain that. If we can tell right at the first chapter he's a Stu, I doubt there would be much improvement.
And let me point out some multiple critical errors already.
1. Rainbow Dash just up and gives no fucks about having an alien just up an meet Princess Celestia and takes his word that he won't cause trouble.
That, is frankly stupid as hell.
2. Princess Celestia automatically assumes he is an ally, when, this could easily be a trick by Sombra. She then proceeds to fucking list off the heads of her military. Even a fucking private knows that is the worst possible thing to relay to a a tactical enemy.
3. Celestia puts him in charge of a battalion, for once again, no fucking reason.
Part of the Gary Stu trope is the fact that the story revolves around them, which, plainly, it does right here.
6738233 What, me?
What can I say? Your stories are really cool!
6738570 Thanks.
This story is rushed like hell and in what universe would Celestia just give up a battalion to an unknown alien, that not only killed the enemy, but some of her soldiers. By god! This is shitty mess that needs to be teared down and rebuilt from scratch. I may have very poor tastes and don't care abut grammar when reading stories that much. But this is no story, but a mess of notes and ruched writing with little to no details. I would love to read this, but it is not a story, just a messy idea gone very wrong with no consideration with the readers. This is what I'm seeing as a reader and when the author is not considering how hard and painful it is to read it. It just drives us away from the story and future stories that you may make. But overall, this looks like a self centered story with no thought into a story plot whatsoever. Sorry, but that is reality of this very rushed and uncared for story. If you want my advice: Treat and grow a story like a child. It takes a lot of time, consideration and effort in your part. that is all I have to say. Good day and good luck to you.
6739802 we can only assume celestia is growing desperate for help in this war.
Two things
1. Marksmanship is one word.
2. Couldn't Celestia just purge the nobles?
This could have been avoided had you simply killed him, you coward!