• Member Since 30th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 9th, 2018

WardenGage


I Write Stuff! Also, read my blog for any updates on chapters/stories!

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The land of Equestria, ruled by the Royal family, has seen an uneasy peace with the surrounding lands that may be at stake by a force that none of them may be able to stop.
In the land of Oolacile, a brave Knight, one of Gwyn's was sent to halt the spread of the abyss. But he was unable to defeat the abyss.
A hero of a different land will come to learn of a new land and a new threat. One he is all too familiar with.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 33 )

Some grammar errors here and there, nothing harsh though. Few missed capitalization.
Little bit more details wold be nice, especially since not many know of Artorias.

"Good, well, i'll tell you my name and you tell me yours. My name is Celestia." Artorias remained silent. Further irritating her.

Details aren't needed here, but a bit of depth. Especially, since Celestia is hardly ever angry. Why is she so angry? Lack of manners? Is she uneasy due to this knight?

Other than that, I look forward to see where this leads.

2690068
Artorias is something she has never seen in her rule. Also, Artorias (if youve played AoTA) was controlled by pure darkness, and it is very evident that he (Didnt really explain that) still has darkness in him.
Also he shows no respect for her at all because he is in a foriegn land, with no contact to the other knights and he is worried that his companion (Sif) is in trouble.
He's more worried about himself and his companion than the others around him.
Artorias is also unaware that she is a "God" and believes her to be a mortal like himself. After all, he is the only human knight of Gwyns.
Artorias will explain himself and other things about Lordran in the next chapter.
Darkness and the like havent been all to good for keeping away in the recent events of said cannon mlp. Basically nightmare moon and discord.

Main issues:

You don't capitalize "I" when it should be (I can't think of anytime you don't capitalize "I" when it's a character using it.)

"Good, well, i'll tell you my name

Since I'll is essentially I + will, the I should be capitalized. There were also other instances where you forgot to capitalize the i.

Second:

Luna nodded "I did say that something would come today. You should listen to me about these things more often."
Celestia nodded "The guards are moving the creature into the castle so we may question it when it wakes."
Luna pouted "You never let me do the questioning."
Celestia looked to her younger sibling "You're going to be present for it though."
Luna nodded and thought about the strange creature "It feels dark, very dark."

Luna nodded.

"I did say that something would come today. You should listen to me about these things more often."

"The guards are moving the creature into the castle so we may question it when it wakes." Celestia answered.

"You never let me do the questioning," Luna pouted.

"You're going to be present for it though," Celestia said looking at her younger sibling.

Luna nodded and then thought about the strange creature.

"It feels dark. Very dark."

Start a new paragraph whenever who's speaking changes. Also, the repetition of "nodded" really kills that dialogue. Keep in mind the way I did it is one of many.

On that paragraph dialogue issue, read this:

Read the "How to do it" part. One of the bullets discusses it, and I believe it talks about it a little more.


Third: Paragraph Structure

Overall, your paragraph structure is a bit clunky and hard to read through. It could be an issue with Fimfiction's formatting of a story, but keep in mind you start a new paragraph when the subject of the original paragraph changes.

Here's a good reader on paragraph structure:

Paragraphs (Purdue OWL)

2690116 Oooh I hope you aren't gonna make Dissy out to be some evil ancient force and a sinister, malicious villain.
If that happens, I'm outta here in a jiffy. :rainbowderp:

But I love Dark Souls and so far this seems promising so I'll follow it for sure. :moustache:

2690124
Thanks! I'll watch for that in the next chapter.

2690129
Discord is not the main evil, probably wont make him part of the evil at all.

2690143 That sounds really good.
I always took Discord as more of an omnipotent troll than a force of evil who wants to torture, kill and conquer, as some people make him. If that version of Big D is a villain in a fic I just can't read it. So it's good if you're not doing it because I really wanna keep reading this one! :rainbowwild:

2690135

I updated my original comment. I'd read over it a little more (I provided a few resources (one over dialogue paragraphing and another over paragraphs, since your story seems a little bulky to read. Maybe I'm used to really clean-cut paragraphs xD.)

Also, I think I'll be following this story. Maybe it's because I see some potential, or maybe it's because I love Dark Souls...


...or maybe it was that Luna vs. Artorias picture from a few weeks ago I saw...

It's lacking in detail, which drags it down a bit. The opening battle alone could've easily been 1500 words.

Not to mention Artorias so far doesn't sound very knightly. When you speak to a DaS character they always speak in an outdated, obtuse fashion. Your Artorias doesn't, and it kinda hurts his character.

And unless you plan on adding undead you don't need the Human tag. Arty isn't human.

I'll keep an eye on this for now.

also
>patches avatar
>not writing patches in equestria

2690167
Correction not writing patches in equestria YET.
also, the link for the Artorias voice lines was dropped by From Software before the final DLC was released. So dont think of the voice like it is in the video, because in the DLC Artorias doesn't have a voice.

Damn you already make me hate Celestia plz kill her :pinkiecrazy:

2690116

Oh, don't tell me Mr. Author. Tell your Readers, tell us in the story. It's not me I want you to convey your story to.

First of, Artorias is not human in Dark Souls Lore, its never said what race the Knight of Gwyn are exactly (except Gough who is a giant) he is more akin to a demigod or as close as you can get to godhood without a Lordsoul. Also he should be a bit more open to Celestia after he learns of her Connection with the Sun, his liege Gwyn was after all the Lord of Sunlight and god of the Sun which is a very similar to Celestia. Luna on the other hand he should at least strongly dislike and distrust or maybe even openly loathe because of her connection to the dark (he hates servants of the dark with a burning passion).

Second this part:

Artorias earned his and the nickname of "Abysswalker Artorias"

"nickname" would be the wrong word to use here its more of a title.
Also his full title is Sir Knight Artorias the Abysswalker

Rant over.
And if you need any help with Dark Souls lore or something don't hesitate to ask.

Considering Artorias was quite hard to beat.... I doubt that even 5 platoons could stop him. Hell, even his spin attack would chop them all down lol. Ignoring the overhead smash which would be overkill on them.

Gotta be honest to you. I am curious about his fighting and how you will word that.

Dat grammar. Might I suggest you find a proofreader to go through and fix the mistakes.

I would also suggest finding someone that knows a bit more about Dark Souls lore.
Like this guy. He evidently knows his stuff. 2690457

2690211

This. I always see authors explaining questions in the comments. They need to be answering that in the writing, not down here.

Yay Dark Souls! Good story too of course

Aren´t the ponies acting a bit too much aggresive? I don´t quite imagine Celestia menacing anyone with torture, specially to someone who has not commited any crime against her nation, other than "illegal immigration".

I found that it was kind of rushed when it came to Artorias' crash and onwards. Maybe a bit of lengthening could've been done for it because it was quite short. No offence.

2700305
None taken.
I had problems with getting said character to equestria. In my cry of fear story for example, Simon goes to pony land in chap 5, so I wanted to get Artorias there rather soon.

2702223 Fair enough, it was still pretty good though. Nice job :pinkiesmile:

2690178 Oh great! i've been looking for this story for a VERY long time, since I first read this, again, a very long time ago.
I say, you're talented, but you caught Celestia's about as good as one can catch a fly with a fishing rod.
To wrap it up simply:
Hey I just met you.
And this is craa~azy.
But you seem new here.
So torture, Maybe?

All I can say is. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES. AND YES.

They severely underestimate artorias, he's able too fucking cleave dragons in half with his greatsword, and being a knight, especially one of his fucking size shouldn't be scared of some damn ponies, I want too see artorias pop one of the knights heads like a grape.

Comment posted by WardenGage deleted Oct 1st, 2013

So, when's the update? 1500 words is barely a chapter (if that), and hardly satisfying... seems like it should get interesting though.

3407084
I'm in school right now, and my classes have been handing me my ass, so I haven't had that much time to update anything, but I'm working on longer chapters, so yeah.

Gonna update this story soon?

3607863
Surprise, surprise! I'm back and working on older projects! But now I'm at an impasse...
I need a proofreader for this(So it's actually better)!

4191486 more dude moaaaar!!!!!

this stories dead isn't?

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