- Member Since 8th Jun, 2015
- offline last seen 9 hours ago
DarkMagicEn-Forcer1
My is DarkMagicEn-Forcer1 I am not a brony but I did like the show. I like Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, Team Fortress 2, Fairy Tail, Sonic and Power Rangers. When I heard about theses displace fics I count me i
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6396435 Best theme from Sonic Adventure Battle 2
6396483 Next to Live in Learn, City Escape, Throw It All Away, Bio Lizardthem,
God Sonic Adventure 2 had the best game soundtrack ever.
Awesome story. Can't wait to see where you go with this.
Will this be a Eggman/Harem story?
Perfect
What a giant lump of cancer this is.
6396501 It a take over the world kind of story.
Well, if I'm going to review something for the second time, it might as well be this. See, the first story I reviewed was about abortion, and the only thing more fucking retarded than trying to mix abortion and My Little Pony, is trying to mix Sonic and My Little Pony.
Let's begin.
i.imgur.com/DvTfOMh.jpg
Either "Doctor Ivo yatta yatta" or "Dr.Robotnik" or "Dr.Eggman."
It's not hard to tell like, 99% of the time.
Also, if your character loves video games so much why can't they recognize which game this merchant is from?
Also that was just the worst. Show me that it is Equestria, show me that it is a millennium ago. Describe things, lead the audience into it.
I'd rather read into it and later go "oh, this is the past? Neat," than "oh, okay, it's the past I guess, whatever."
I am so incredibly fucking sick of reading HiE fics where they just wake up in Equestria, it is not hard to describe how they get to Equestria, this is actually somehow lazier than "Celestia/Twilight flubbed a spell," stop it, stop this. If doesn't matter if it happens through some highly improbable means, your character is going to a fucking different world from a TV show, any means would be improbable.
media.giphy.com/media/3oEduSYXnhELotJtmg/giphy.gif
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*noticed
*was getting
Fucking immediate tense change.
*princesses
*within
Get an editor.
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I just downed almost a full bottle of rum for an internet joke. Your story may actually kill me.
Please stop vomiting exposition at me, I don't want to think about vomit.
I read the rest, but I'm drunk.
3/10
I say it right away, i haven´t read this story yet, but because of what i have seen so far, i would kind of like it if he would get an evil Marefriend like Starlight, if he should be an evil Displaced.
Yeah, that's not a contradiction at all.
I hope the Elements beat this joker into the ground so hard, an imprint of him shows up on the opposite end of the world.
6397203
I have to agree with some of what The Boy Zone noted. You're moving so fast and with so little chance to establish the scenes that it's hard to get invested in what's happening; or at least for your protagonist as anything but the current Monster of The Week.
There's a lot of telling but almost no showing. Eggman rants on and on about things that he supposedly thinks should be fixed, but we've seen no evidence of any of it. He looks more like a crazy person trying to justify his evil than rational.
Last thing, this:
Don't do that. It looks lazy. If time is so important, make it a quirk of Eggman to check his timepiece obsessively. Moreover, are the script-introduced perspective shifts really necessary? What do they add? Eggman could've just watched everything from an internal camera built into his minions or something. Doing this feels like you really just want this to be over as quickly as possible.
6397327 I will think about that.
6397474 that´s all i am asking for, and i think i start to read it now
6396499 It Doesn't Matter was pretty great too.
Oh, boy - a Sonic franchise based Displaced story. I hope this guy has a concept of pacing...
That's...that's actual text. From the actual story.
Don't know if any said it yet but you have 'bra' as 'brb' unless there a (pun) joke I'm not getting
You know what's even funnier about this story? The fact that the author openly thinks that you as the audience aren't smart enough to read this while he gets all of his punctuation wrong throughout the whole chapter.
6399035 I misspell that
It's fics like these that put people off crossovers. Have a thumbs down.
6404957 Well since you didn't write a fic on your page. I think you can't judge unless you can write a better story then me or anybody else's.
No, but I did spend a great deal of time grading papers for an English writing class. Your punctuation is abominable, the forced "humor" falls flatter than my wallet on shore leave, and the premise is, for lack of a better word, awful. You need an editor.
6404996 I recently got a editor working on it.
6405011
Congrats.
Anyway, I promised to tell you why I gave the story a 3/10.
Before I do, keep in mind, this isn't the worst thing I've read.
Aside from the grammar, which has already been noted by plenty, this story seems like it's in a huge rush to get to Eggman. That's understandable, I'm writing a story right now that's going to be quite long, and while it's no shining beacon of literature, I like to think that it understands pacing. Several times I had to stop and remember to slow myself down.
Information works best when it is either independently interesting enough to keep the reader going, or is slowly trickled in throughout the story. Not only does this provide time to delve into the character immediately, but it also doesn't read like a jumbled mess.
I'll use Adventure Time as an example. It managed to both tell interesting stories and slowly expand upon it's universe, despite dropping us in at a random point in the timeline.
Rapidly firing exposition at the very beginning, especially exposition that is poorly written, gives me the impression that you don't care, and if you don't, why should I?
In addition, I don't know if it's the wording bug a lot of points had me going "what the fuck, why?" For instance, the princesses "trusted him because they were at war" I'd have been delighted to see how the princesses could rationalize trusting this alien creature in such a time. Perhaps they were desperate, maybe they were just humoring him out of curiosity.
And there lies my issue, entire chapters are missing. Thousand of words have been crunched to a few hundred, leaving the story as a crushed cube of shredded aluminum as opposed to a complete car.
*Done reading and comments*
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I don't mean to sound rude when I say this, but I feel like this should have been a multi-chapter Arc. It just seemed to happen too easily. Even with 1000+ years worth of recruits - and I highly doubt every single member of the Eggman Empire participated in the attack anyway - there would still be small pockets of resistance that would be hidden away in the Empire.
Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see where this goes, but I suggest trying to maybe slow down a little.
6414305 thanks
Not sure if she still was dangerous, but i don´t care, i just think it don´t help him if he tries to knock them out while some of them can´t defend themself otherwise i guess.
However it is better, than being stupid and take the risk of being attacked by Cadance somehow.
Is he a bit crazy after the stone thing? i know the dark tag has to come from somewhere, but it looks like he doesn´t just want to make his own harmony, it looks like he want´s to make them all to robots too, like this would be the only way.
aaahhhhh so he thinks having them roboticized, makes them to obey to him, does he makes them into whole robots?
weird but really nice.
the story is not bad, just different from what i thought would happen.
6422828 Well I pick the dark tag because the mane 6 are going to lose in this story.
He was planning to robotised the ones that don't join the Egg Legion before he was stoned.
6404972
No, that's not gonna fly here, buddy. Just because people don't write their own stories doesn't mean they can't judge or criticize yours. People don't need to be chefs to know that the food they're tasting is bad.
6424889 right
6424899 He's right you know.
Took me awhile to actually read this fic, and I'm hooked.
There is a few flaws with the grammar and such but that's an easy fix
What's a story without its faults, right?
6530779 Thank you ^^
I'm sorry, but I could not get past the 20th or so paragraph due to how terribly written this thing is.
Just came across your story I got to say quite entertaining I always thoughts the Eggman would make a good displaced character and your version has been quite entertaining so far please continue the great writing and I'll continue reading it
I just like to say if everyone judged stories of the first chapter alone the lot of series we never made it past the first publishing let alone any continuing of the story
6602203 Thank you
I took one look, realized that this involves sonic, and just...
media.giphy.com/media/yHUiExmU40A4U/giphy.gif
Couldn't... Even...
when's the next update
6922175 I am working on it along with the other fics.
6922971 okay cool
6922978 ^^
6424889
True, but not everyone has the same taste in food.
Also, it's not exactly his fault he can't type as well as other people. Some people are born with a great imagination, but without the ability to use the tools to create their ideas.
Can you do more chapters please
7418170 I am working on it right now. I am doing a crossover chapter with my other story I'am 120% Cooler.
...this is best Celestia
7449427 I agree
I am the eggman! It's what I am! I am the eggman! I've got the master plan! I am the eggman!
7590694 lol
7590704 Do you need any encouragement just asking not rushing or anything?
*Is whistling innocently as I am slowly closer with a cattle prod hidden behind my back.*