Inspired by a conversation with Lord of Dorkness and Moongaze14, blame them.
After making a blind jump from the Nevernever, Harry Dresden ends up in Equestria, surrounded by attractive females; given his track record with the fairer sex this would be a terrifying proposal even if they weren’t obviously inhuman.
Now trapped until he can find a safe entrance back into the Nevernever, he must attempt to play nice with the local powers (all attractive females), explain his magic to the pre-eminent scholars in the field (all attractive females), and avoid the malevolent forces that seek to use his knowledge for their gain (all attractive females).
Chivalry, it can get a guy killed.
Takes place after Book 11 "Turn Coat" in the Dresden Files, and the beginning of season 3 and beyond.
Pre-readers are Lord of Dorkness, Moongaze14, and Appletank
Wlam (as of Chapter 3)
(Sex tag is for sexually charged situations; actual nookie may or may not happen and will include a ratings change)
Tags are: Anthro, Human, Crossover, Comedy, Adventure, Sex?
Character Tags will change with Arc
Featured 2nd Sept, 2016 - 5th Sept, 2016.
Lose the exclamation mark, it looks very silly in a title.
That, and you should consider dropping the 'A Parody...' subtitle. As it's currently worded, it sounds very clunky, and not even close to the standard 'A Novel From The Dresden Files.'
Think that going with just 'Hot Dam' would be much more snappy and striking, while sticking to the DF naming scheme. (And not as if the ones that go 'eww, anthro' are going to react any less knee-jerk, anyway.)
Seems to be some commas missing. 'No, seriously. it wasn’t my fault.'
I'd use 'woman and children' personally.
Remember to add a line to the description about what book this takes place after, or you'll get a lot of angry/disappointed comments and PMs.
Add a comma after 'headquarters.'
Missing commas after 'Good day' and 'Wizard.'
Inside the NeverNever? Missed it before, since it's such a standard way for spiritual beings to react to damage, but that's wrong.
Greyish white powder, maybe?
I'd tweak it to: 'Come wizard, let us share our fire with you. Let us warm your bones.'
If nothing else, missing comma after 'bones.'
Missing full-stop after 'flames.'
Missing blank line between paragraphs.
Names and titles always get commas before and after them when they're in a sentence since they're off special significance.
Drop the semi-colon. Two normal sentences are good enough in this context, and Butcher uses semi-colons once or twice a book when writing Harry.
Missing comma after 'so.'
Revengence of the semi-colons; The revenganing; WITH A VENGEANCE.
jokes aside, just drop them. They're distracting in what's otherwise some solid lines.
'Whips' should be capitalized since the previous sentence ended in a question mark.
Another semi-colon here.
Missing comma after tale.
Suggestion:
Thank the stars for the rules of the fae. If this thing wanted to turn me into a cautionary tale it couldn’t just say ‘and then I turned the mortal fool to ash.’ That would be boring, and it couldn’t lie to tell a different, more exciting ending. It wanted drama, suspense, evil laughter and booming thunder. It wanted me to go out like a two-bit warlock who doesn’t know what a cliché is.
7524379
Thank you.
Changes made, and a couple of capitalisations I missed put in.
Semi-colon.
You said that Sombra messed with Dresden's Way in an attempt to go conquer some back-water for power, right? And that's why 'fire pit of doom' leads to 'quiet town library?'
Drop the semi-colons, but keep the colon.
That's one tiny, tiny horn for such a tall girl. (~1 decimeter) Was she just in the shower, and it shrunk?
Might want to tweak that to half a foot if not outright a full one. At least.
Comma after 'ribs.'
Semi-colon. Drop the semi part.
Semi-colon. Use a full-stop and new sentence instead.
Suggestion:
'But, hey, at least it wasn’t on fire any more.'
Not a big change, but it makes it more flippant.
'I’ll admit to the fact that I just stopped dead for the third time. I don’t think my mouth flopped open into another guppy impression, but my brain certainly stopped working as I took in the sight before me.'
More semi-colons.
Semi-colon.
Whoa, holy run-on-sentences, Bat-man. Can't believe I missed it before.
'I was just about to open my mouth and say something before another scream of rage came from the library behind me—causing a trio of ‘normal’ mares standing at the front of the crowd, each of them wearing flowers in their hair, to scream “the horror” at the top of their lungs and start running as though I was a demon from the depths of hell itself—with the crowd following their sterling example.
Think that works slightly better while keeping the frantic feel.
No breaks when you use em-dashes.
Switch that semi-colon to a colon. Otherwise good.
'This being me, of course her sapphire eyes were narrowed in anger and her horn was humming softly with a cloud of blue magic. Her clothes doing nothing to hide or hinder her fencer’s stance before her horn flared, but instead of the blasts of magic that A-grape-a had been throwing at me a tangle of thread lanced out at me like a nest of snakes. Each string encased in an aura the same color as the cloud surrounding her horn as she yelled. “Stop right there, you ruffian!”'
Make a control f pass on 'colour' by the way, for both chapters. That's the British spelling. American's spell it 'color.'
Semi-colon.
One fix, one suggestion:
'I stumbled slightly as the power left me, my boots slipping on the cobblestone street while I fought for my balance. The unicorn flinching away from the nest of threads that burned merrily with tiny flickers of fire, as parts of the cat's cradle from Heck turned to ash in a second. Only partially charring most of them, though, as my old lighter spell had only been intended as a distraction.'
Since the rest of the chapter needs some threads left, it would be a bit silly if it all turned to ash first.
'Kudos to her though, she’d barely flinched away from the tangled knot of fire before she stepped out into the road to try and stop me again. Her expression set in grim determination while her horn started to glow anew.'
Semi-colon. Switch with an 'and.'
'Ashes and cinders danced upwards right into the mare’s face on hair dryer force winds, smearing her ivory fur with lines of dirty grey, while she clenched her eyes shut and held an embossed handkerchief to her mouth and nostrils before she could breath in too much of the sudden ash cloud. The web of seared strings she had been levitating started to fall as her horn winked out from the sudden cloud of dirt and dust that she struggled against.'
'I got to use it once. Twice if you count the time I triggered the wards by accident and spent half an hour trying to wiggle loose before Murphy arrived.'
Semi-colon. Go with full stop.
Semi-colon. Go with full stop.
Semi-colon. ARGHHHHHHH~!—I mean, go with full stop.
Remove the spaces by the em-dashes.
Semi-colon. Go with em-dash instead.
'This one actually hurt. Mostly my feelings, but there was a tiny sliver of pain in there somewhere.
Semi-colon. Go with colon instead.
'Yeah, with a staff I could do anything, but it took time and honest effort. With a blasting rod all I could do was destroy things with ruthless efficiency.
Semi-colon. Go with new sentence.
'On both my hands, and my socks off.'
Semi-colon. Go, go gadget colon.
Semi-colon. Use colon.
Did you drop the 'land of giants' thing?
A real shame in that case, I thought it was really interesting to have 'tiny' be relative on a dimensional scale.
use a period. Sentence ended
period
colour. "Attack
period
7524642
Thanks once again, got all of that sorted out.
Also you have no clue how much I didn't want to change the word count, it was at 6,666 perfect for this chapter before this round of edits.
Sombra never did anything particular with Dresden's Way intentionally himself, but, in typical Harry Dresden fashion, Sombra's demesne (inside the Equestrian Nevernever), where the Crystal Empire had been secreted away, broke open at the exact same time as Harry cast his Way-making spell, which rather than connect to his home dimension, he put too much power into it so he could escape the Campfire Spirit.
The reason he landed in Twilight's library is due to the fact he was in the presence of a creature that could recite stories and books by heart, while being socially inept (Twilight herself), had a habit of bursting into flames when angered (see Twilight's Rapidash evolution), and lives on the edge of a dark spooky forest (The Everfree), while the reason Sombra's demesne broke is thanks to Cadance's and Shining's love bomb during the wedding.
Harry was falling through Sombra's demesne for about about fourty five minutes experienced time. Three or so weeks Equestrian time.
It might just be me, but I've always thought Horns were pretty small on Anthro characters, no more than an inch over hand length on anyone other than Alicorns, and the most "powerful" of unicorns. On that same side four inches is tiny, and I've moved it up to six, and corrected it from numbers to words.
That was never a thing,
capiche?
7524780
7524757
And got those cleared up. Thanks man.
7524877
Ah.
The one and only anthro crossover for The Dresden Files is going to be spitting in the wind as it is without accusations of being soft core macrophilia porn. Got it.
Probably a good change then, given the circumstances, but it was an interesting concept.
I'm happy that your fic is finally released, though it's a bit sad that you had to modify the chapter for editing at the cost of losing the 6666 word count. BTW, you might need to edit this phrase: "and by the feel of it whatever had hit me had hit me as hard as possible."
You can change it to "whatever had hit me made sure to tackle me as hard as possible"
7529957
Thanks man, "Had hit me had hit me" is unnecessarily repetitive so I've got that changed up to "Had hit me had made sure to hit me"
Never seen the show, it appears to be a magic detective thing. Any idea how good it is compared to Constantine?
7530040 It's a book series, not a TV show.
7530052 Okay so the tv series with a main character that uses magic and has the same name was just a fake?
7530040
Books, there was a Sci-fi channel show (Decent, for the Sci-fi Channel), but that's really not the main focus of the series. And yes it is a magic detective thing, and it is glorious.
As for how it stacks up against Constantine, I've only seen the recent Constantine TV series so take this with a grain of salt, but the Dresden Files is less 'fantastical' than Constantine. No vinyl records that cause people to go mad, no shotguns that kill whatever they hit, no mine spirits (Kobolds/Coblynau/Goblins are all in Dresden Files, they're just more 'limited') that will drown you inside your own car. At the same time it's a little darker and more depressing than Constantine by implication. Constantine is in the same universe as Superman (the universe's boy-scout), Green Lantern, and Wonder Woman; Harry is in the same universe as classical Fae (the old-school steal children and murder the cow type Fae), vampires that hail back to Aztec blood sacrifice times and still regularly kill thousands, and Archangels that cannot interfere in mortal business unless the other team do so first and are caught doing so.
Both series are great, in their own ways, and I really need to get a better latch on Constantine. Solid 8/10 on both of them (with what I've experienced)
7530060
Sci-fi Channel thing. It's not that well known.
7530052
Sci-fi Channel thing. It's not that well known.
7530040
7530052
It's both, actually.
worldswithoutend.com/blogpics/Dresden_Files.jpg
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/dresdenfiles/images/c/cd/Slider-series.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/590?cb=20110429141731
The TV-series something of a black sheep for the franchise, though. Thought it was decent (what I've seen) myself, but it really doesn't hold a candle to the books.
*Edit: Ninja'd.
7530064 Thanks, I probably won't be able to get my hands on the books, but I'll watch the tv show and then read your story once I understand the whole thing a bit more.
Hopefully the story will be a bit further along so I can immerse myself in it.
Just by reading the description, it's already looking like a Naruto Fanfic with all the cliche harems.
7530128
I should aspire to such lofty heights.
Will follow!
7530189
Thank you
The TV series was pretty good... but it was killed when there was the TV writer's strike later that year. (Many promising series died to that strike.)
They changed a few things... but they kept the spirit of the books intact.
Anthro's usually not my thing, but this is interesting enough for me to follow. As it stands, however, something needs to stop Harry; this "Dresden smashes the Mane 6", even though it's one chapter, is starting to drag in my opinion.
7530365
Don't worry, this should be the last time that Harry smashes the main 6 in this story arc, unless something goes really hinky.
I have to ask, did you mean "Hot Dam," as in the hydroelectric plant is getting warm or that a beaver's handiwork is about to go up in flames..., or, did you mean "Hot Damn," the common yet mildly profane expression of strong emotion, usually positive?
7530494
Or Hot Dam, as a pun on Sire and Dam(e), the term used to refer to a horse's parents?
Also the second one.
Congratulations! Your story is showing up on the Featured list! (With the mature filter on)
Hey Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden
keencreative.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/are-you-a-wizard-2-1.jpg
Do they look like their equestria girls human form with pony features (hooves, horn, wings,etc) or do they look like humanised ponies?
7530614
HOW?!?!
7530620
Yes
7530625
Like this , or this
Obviously inhuman, on a bipedal framework.
so this crossover never herd of this book/show series so not going to know any of the people or events reference. So hope theirs not to much knowledge needed form those books to follow whats going on.
Actually, this sounds pretty normal in the Dresden verse.
Pretty good opening chapter, but you need to work on punctuation. I noticed a few times you forgot to add commas to character dialogue.
Question about the title:
Did you mean it as Hot Damn! like the curse, or as a heated dam that holds back water?
This made me laugh, and it also seems like something Dresden in the actual books would do.
I really liked this line on several fronts. First off, it's the perfect sarcastic response for any character. Secondly, this honestly sounds like something Dresden would say.
Overall, this is off to a very promising, misunderstood start and I really want to see where where it goes.
That being said, work on your punctuation. Especially around dialogue, you keep forgetting that most dialogue needs a comma at the end within the quotations marks.
Yay! Another 'Dresden In ponyland' story that's good. Insta-fav and follow.
7530629
Yeah, getting there was a surprise to me too. Less so now. I don't get those much anymore.
7530078 You could try your local library. That is where I was able to obtain the books to read them. I highly recommend that you attempt to read the series. Very good!
The mechanics here are a touch rough...
But you're doing great with voicing Harry, and you've got enough subversion and jokes I've enjoyed it immensely. Liked, fav'd, waiting for more. :)
So he made it through ponyville without encountering pinkie pie?
Only Dresden.
The fact that someone actually made this... Thank you sir. SO much.
Oh gosh, a dresden files story? I don't know, i obviously know nothing at all about the series. I'm worried it may spoil me!!
Lol in all honesty though i'm really enjoying this so far. I'm currently in the process of re-reading the books for the umpteenth time and even more dresden is even better!
7524448 Good luck! I hope you succeed in this one.
Lord knows that Dresden gets enough shit elsewhere.
Great start. So this is going to be like the other Dresden/MLP crossovers, but with a Anime-esk Harem comedy vibe to it? Also why is Fluttershy so tall compared to the other Mane6?
Wow. You really got the feel of the Dresden Files down. The writing flows in a way a lot like the books, and the characterization of Harry is spot on. I'll certainly be following this!.
Eh. Not nearly enough dithering and introspection from Harry over punching a girl in the face.
7530881
Or Hot Dam, as a pun on Sire and Dam(e), the term used to refer to a horse's parents?
Also the first one.