I'm done with you
Chapter 48: I'm done with you
***Insight***
"Left!" I shouted as I sprinted down the canterlonian streets towards my destination. After Ms. Care and Cold arrived in my office I quickly began to cast a spell to track Chance down for just this reason. Why Arrow didn't stop this in the first place is beyond me.
When I discovered that Chance had been brought back to Canterlot I was shocked and confused until I realized that Jungle Vine had kidnapped him. She was placed on a canterlot watch list for quite some time prior to Chance being taken from her and placed in the crown's care. I did some digging and discovered she used to teach at Celestia's school for gifted unicorns which explains why the guard wasn't able to catch her after so long. It also explains how she knew the spells that she did, but I still wonder why I wasn't told any of this.
"Right!" I shouted as we turned into Canterlot's poorer district. The cobblestone street was cracked and the buildings themselves covered in mold and sludge. The air itself had a rather foul smell to it, but that was at the back of my mind while saving Chance was my top priority.
"Where are we going?" Ms. Care asked as she struggled to keep up with me through the desolate streets.
"We are going to where Ms. Vine lives," I shouted back before making another turn down an alleyway which would lead us right next to our destination. I stopped when I reached a broken window and my magic faded; we were there.
I peered through the window to make sure the coast was clear and climbed in, being mindful of the shattered glass. If I recall, Chance had used this window for his first escape from that vile mare.
"What are you doing!" Loving said in a harsh whisper.
"I'm saving Chance. Stay here and keep a look out for Jungle Vine!" I whispered back as I slowly creeped around the the room. It looked like some kind of office with books lined up across the opposing wall and a desk right beside the window. I slowly made my way towards the door a few yards away when a loud creek emanated from the floor board.
I quickly lifted my hoof back up and listened closely for any sound of hooves. Thankfully, I didn't hear any and kept walking towards the door though I was much more mindful of where I stepped on these floors. When I pushed open the door a strong odor of rot and decay smacked me in the face.
I entered a hallway which was covered in various molds and splintered floors. How somepony could live in such conditions is beyond me. I slowly walked down the hall until I reached a set of stairs which I heard voices coming down from. I listened very closely in hopes of hearing exactly what was going on.
***Chance***
"When I get this thing off my leg, I'm gonna kill you!" I shouted at the mare who was eyeing me with a considerable degree of anger. After something yanked her out of my head she attempted to force her way back in which failed. This was my one chance at figuring out how to get out of here,
"Th same way you killed my son? You monster!" She retorted as she smacked me across the face with her hoof. It stung but I kept my eyes focused on her before giving back my own insult.
"Says the bitch that ruined my life! I didn't ask to come here!" I yelled back as I yanked on my chain even harder.
"I know you work for that monster! I saw it in your memories!" She yelled. I yanked on my chain even harder which caused it to give a little. Looking back I saw that the floor board it was attached to was severely rotted and giving out. I just had to pull on it hard enough.
"Then you saw how I ran while my brother was taken from me! You saw how everything was taken from me because of you! AND YOU SAW HOW YOU DESTROYED THE ONLY CHANCE AT LIFE I HAD!" I yelled as I yanked the floor board with all my might causing it to fly into Jungle's face. "I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL!" I yelled as I walked up to her with the board in hoof.
"CHANCE, STOP!"
***Insight***
"CHANCE, STOP!" I shouted as I burst into the room where I saw Chance standing over Jungle with a bloody wooden board. He looked over at me and then back to Jungle before a look of horror crossed his face. He dropped the wooden board and slowly backed away from Jungle Vine before speaking.
"That wasn't, I didn't, I'm sorry." He said as he backed up to the wall. I quickly made my way over to Jungle to see if she was alive or not and thankfully she was. There was a small gash under her right eye, but she was still alive. Chance didn't kill her when he had the chance; there was still hope for him.
I walked over to Chance and picked him up before walking out of that Celestia forsaken house. He kept his face hidden in my mane, but I didn't stop him, he needed some comfort. When I walked outside, Loving quickly took Chance from me and hugged him tightly while I called for the guards.
Jungle Vine was quickly apprehended, but before the guards took her way she looked directly at Chance and said,
"I'm going to find you, baby killer." My mind froze.
I have no idea why I have such large gaps between chapters now. I used to be so excited to write, but now I just don't feel like writing that much. Well this story anyway. I believe it's the fact I don't want it to end and we're so close so...things.
In other news, I'm going to begin writing a community based story. Basically I'm gong to write a story where you guys decide on how the character evolves. I'm going to give you all a lot of leeway to considering that it's going to be votes for everything about the character.
Speaking of votes: Justice won by an overwhelming amount. You all can see where the two would have divided here, right?
The last thing I wanted to bring up was how I attempted to improve my descriptions of what's going on in this chapter. So, how did I do?
Edit: I lied about the last thing. I've thought about it for awhile and I've decided that I'm definitely rewriting this story eventually. Maybe not right after it's done, but eventually.
Another Edit: Sorry for the short chapter also, but I don't want to keep writing anymore tonight. I'm hoping that other story will get me out of this. Also, perfect 1000
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6756523
I feel like I'm being selfish then. You've all waited for over 2 months for a single chapter and I give you one that is rushed and brushes over too many details. 
I'm ashamed when I do that.
Intense. So I'm guessing that Jungle is now in Chance's mind by the way don't feel too bad about not wanting to write as much, I'm going through the same thing.
6757057 Thanks, I still feel bad about it though.
Ive read this story this story, so correct me if i`m not right, is one of morals of this story says: "it`s good to wipe memorys of kids that suffered from thraumatical event instead of trying to undo damage through therapy"?
6757255 No, that's not the moral as it's one of Chance's main problems. If I had to compare it to something I'd say it's like how we used to shock people to treat them. It did more harm and did barely any good.
This isn't the last of Arrow is it?
6759526 If I told you, that'd spoil it.
Well I am happy that there is at last another chapter that has come out of this story, and that you have fond the motivation to go on writhing this again, but I think that the last few chapters have had a huge drop in quality and there are a little more problems with the punctuation. I think that the problem stem from the lack of practice that you had couple with a lack of planning out you chapter. You have to remember that when you used to write a lot you publish almost daily so you had not trouble remembering the details of the last chapter and there was a flow of ideas that cam more easily to you. I think the lack of motivation that you had was due in part that your comments from your reader might have dropped all because everyone was busy school work and the lack of feedback from them did not encourage you write more for them. So it is probably a refractive effect to all of this. On my part I have to admit I did not post my comments as soon after that I had read the chapter as I used to do, so I didn’t help in the matter either; sorry for that.
For the story itself it was frankly too short and you skip a lot of explanation, or you presume that the readers understand everything they do, to what was happening around, which make it very hard to understand why they are doing anything in their actions. It is great to see Insight worried for Chance’s wellbeing when while he and loving tracking his magical signal, but he really doesn’t strike me as a stallion of action, as he seem to prefer to stay calm and collected to think his actions trough and, seeing his line of work, I would have think that would prefer to leave the work to the professional who know that to do in these kind of situation and swoop in to help Chance to deal with his emotional traumas along with Loving. I don’t say that he shouldn’t have gone to help save Chance and just do nothing; I just feel that it would have sounded more logical in his mind to call for help from the Royal Guard to come along to help with the searching effort. Seeing that we saw the situation unfolding in Insight’s perspective, I would have liked it better if his introspective thinking was more anxious about Chance’s situation, even if he keeps a clinical detachment with him, if he is willing to go out of if comfort zone to help find Chance, I would imagine that he would have to think about all the trauma that his patient he is going through and that he can’t help himself from making a mountain of philological analyses of everything he see.
I would imagine that Insight thoughts would go something I this:
No, no, no, this can’t be happening to Chance again! All this hard work that we had to go thought just to get Chance to acknowledge the possibility that his memories are fake. Dagnamit! Things were finally looking up for him, was finally getting open to others and starting to act like normal foals should do.
I know that Chance is mentally resilient, that he can shrub off more then what most foals can do, but I don’t know what that crazy mare is going to do to her own son that she hasn’t already done to chance’s mind just to try and restore him the way ‘she’ remember him by and her carelessness just ended up destroying what. It’s lucky enough that she didn’t try built a new personality to into Chance’s mind; she would have just turned him into a mindless puppet or worse a vegetable again.
To think that mare was once a respected academic, now turn into that… that monster. I should just recommend to CSGU to put a psychiatric screening test for any candidates who want to learn higher magic’s or to teach there. We cannot let any unstable ponies have access to the Canterlot and its restricted sections.
Celestia, I just hope we can find Chance in time before it is too late…
As for the tracking spell on Chance I can understand that insight would be able to sense it I would be surprised if Arrow also had a way to track him as well and that insight should have ask himself the question of why he wasn’t there to find him.
Also, you should have explained why it was good that Chance didn’t kill Jungle Vine when he had the chance. I know that it is fundamentally to kill even in life threatening self-defense, but I think that you could have expended your thoughts more on that. Theory one, Chance would have to go to courts to answer for his actions and would probably be out of Insights hooves if that happens and he might be treated him as a criminal, not a patient in need of treatment. Theory two, it would the last straw that would label Chance as irredeemably dangerous and that it would sanction a mind wipe because of his already damaged mind.
On Chance’s end, I think that the struggle that he went thought to free himself from Jungle Vine have been showed in more detail of how he managed to kick her out of his mind, freed himself to be able a plank with his magic. I feel that I missed out on a lot of things in this chapter.
As for Cold presence seem to have been nearly useless in the story arc so far.
I suppose you have already read this story, One of the Crowd, but I recommend reading it as the story mostly the same primes as your its “Oh to be Old Again” by Minalkra it could help you in your rewrite of the story.
The big problem with this chapter is the same as it has always been with all the others chapter; you rush your story too much, you don’t revise what you have written to see if you could make it better and you don’t plan out how it’s going to go about.
Sorry to be harsh with you on this one but it hast to be said, if I hope to see that the story will get better.
6760103 It's fine mix-up, you give me the truth in a way that doesn't treat me like a dumbass. You're right on everything you said, I need to plan out the story and work on my punctuation. It's also very likely that the lack of comments is why I haven't been motivated to write, but I attribute it more to my breaks. When I took them I went off my schedule and that's what screwed me and this story over. As for all the screw ups and all throughout this story; that's why I'm rewriting it. I know how the chapters are going to go now and what needed fixing so it will be much easier and I can tone back the pacing a lot.
6760125 One of the Crowd, you might have made many mistakes all throughout the story, but you persisted at writing and you tried to fix them as you could as you when along and many of those mistakes became good ones. I think that you had learn a lot from your experience and I think you might have moved on to the point where your story is just too much of a disjointed mess to fix anything anymore, and the comments seem to attest to that. What has been your strength in your story is that you have a good flair for the suspense, even if some of it wasn't executed very well it certainly encourage the reader to come back for more later, which it good. What you lack really is the you don't have much in the way of doing research and you don't think thought far enough in you dialogue because you hesitate into delving into it.
I think you at this point I think you might start to need a few editors to help out flush out your story better and map it out better as well as trowing new ideas.
6760192 I have two proofreaders, but they really just find the grammar and spelling mistakes. If I could get an editor Like I've wanted since chapter 5 then I would love one.
Edit: It's also possible to link everything together rather nicely if done correctly. I'm hoping I can do that, but you're probably right, it is a mess.
Wonder what'll happen next!
6760244 Stuff and things.
6760246 Obviously lol
6760250 Maybe even an event!
I. NEED. MORE!!!!!! I swear to god, if this storiy ends in like the next two chapters im gonna.....IM GONNA....CRY!! D;
6764962
It'll end in the next 3...then 5 different endings.
6764969 NUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!
Im not kiding though, I'm actually gonna cry.
This has been an amazing story. You should really write a sequel. I love this character and his adventures.
6764975 I don't think I'll be writing a sequel, but I'm happy to announce that if anyone is interested they can continue it. Maybe they can even connect everything somehow!
6764980 XD ok. I'll be sad to see it go. ;-;
6765040 Maybe I'll do a spin off of random events that occur after the story. Would that make you smile?
6765044 Indeed it would. For now, i shall settle on reading your other story.
6756529 Don't feel too bad about lack of inspiration for reaching the end--I go through that too with my art. But you need to keep plugging at it whenever you can...
...and remember: there can always be a sequel!
6776248 Sounds like an exciting story, but wouldn't quite fit with the voted ending.
6776260 Just showing that a sequel could be done, that's all.
6776275 I know, and I did have a sequal idea for the voted ending, but I'm not sure if I want to actually write it. I mean I don't want this story to end here, but I don't want to keep writing it if that makes sense.
6776286 Hey, you don't have to start writing a sequel the moment you finish this work. You can wait days, weeks, months, or even years and we'll be happy when you look back to this story and start writing like you just met an old friend again.
6902147
the government locks you up if you are a threat to yourself or others, they do not perform lobotomies anymore. the fact that they are willing to simply erase someone just because it "might" be better is horrific especially consider they have no single clue what will happen when they erase his mind.
6902208 And that's the entire point. They are doing things they barely understand in hopes of helping him. Remember that we did the same thing with shock therapy.
6903545
luna can dream walk, why has she not done this to see whats going on inside his head?
6903666 And that's another thing.
Do you want to hear how the story was originally going to go? This...this is not anything like I wanted it originally.
6904414
*shrugs* im just pointing out logical inconsistency. having conflict for the sake of conflict is all well and good but it shouldnt be so life shattering. that kind of conflict should be well thought out and not explained away so easily with someone having the ability to answer the problem so readily.
6905391 Like I said completely different. I had a plot and every detail planned and then everyone kept pointing things out and giving ideas and well..Why do you think this hasn't been updated in forever?
Edit: I didn't have to implement any of them, but they seemed really good at the time.
6905445
i think the writing is fine, it just feels like this mind altering thing is a major plot point. consider the fact that a major plot point can be solved with luna. its too simple. to quick for a major plot point.
one could go back and argue that mind alteration magics are dangerous and illegal as the outcome is never guaranteed. also could note that only unicorns trained by luna are even allowed to attempt to enter ones mind. this could also continue the conflict as a unicorn not sanctioned by luna has the spell and is using it on a colt, which could be misconstrued by celestia as the reason he believes he is human and from another world. Also because this unicorn knows the spell she is harder to track down since she has wards against invading minds. If others are giving you too many ideas you should consider shutting them out and write out your main plot as a line of text and branch off minor issues that arise during main plot. it could help
6909416 That is no longer possible. The main story is gone forever as it wasn't supposed to have monsters, the everfree, or any of this magic bull crap. It was supposed to be a slice of life story where Chance was going to act as a big brother to Button do to his dad leaving the family which would have been the starting point. Jungle would have still made an appearance, but it wouldn't have been as direct.
6960430 I plan on fixing all that when I get around to rewriting this...just this because I don't even know anymore.
6960677 I'm just gonna say that I have a plan for that in the next chapter since it's the finale...whenever I write it.
this is so cool iv been reading this stor since about 4 and now its 11..... if you can keep me reading for 7 hours then your odvusly doing something right
7002233 Thank you very much for the compliment.
I wish you the most luck I can with this next chapter and.... the sight of this comment fills you with determination!
7019854 it might have given me a smile
7035000 So you're claiming if it's an avatar it is automatically an O.C.? Damn, I better get to the part where I give it a name and get to writing the story and background to support it. I thought I was just using some art in a color scheme I like.
p.s. to the author
I saw the blog art including the body bury thing they'll never find and I gotta say some fine choices there.
7035018
was that sarcasm or an actual compliment? I'm sorry but I see both so often on here and still can't tell which is which.
7035282 Nope I happened to quite enjoy the pictures and gifs.
7035287 \(*-*)/ yay, approval!
7036101 NO NO NO NO, please don't bring that stuff back up!
I can take criticism but he was just rude about it.
7036387 Huh... Didn't see this in my notifications.
7036387 why the sudden hiatus? DX
7102744 Because I haven't updated it in months. I felt just leaving it incomplete was just rude.