<---- Drawn by mix-up. All I have to say is disappearing is easier when its a crowd of people that are exactly like you.
Two humans ended up in Equestria a few weeks ago and the initial attention has finally died down. That can’t be said for all ponies however as now one of them takes the job of an assistant in an attempt to blend in with the ones chasing them...They are not smart ponies, good thing they brought horse masks
Written and edited by me and , oh hi there
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Cartoon logic: All you have to do is put on a mask and you'll have the ultimate disguise.
Okay review comment: way too much language, it hinders the characters personality, and just feels like cheap humor (I don't even like foul language to begin with so that does not help in this situation).
It does get a little better about halfway through, I did enjoy it but it's not one off my favorites, I can't really take it seriously (which makes sense since I'm pretty sure this story isn't meant to be taken seriously). Hope it was worth all of the trouble.
*sees author's notes* I didn't think I was brilliant with the jokes, clever maybe, but not brilliant.
This is great One of the Crowd, it is good to see you writing again. Well, for what I can say you have improved a lot in your character dialogs, managing to to make then say some good rebuttal to one an other, and put a lot of tension between the characteris in their bickering and taking my advice to heart. To my surprise, I think that you actually focuses too much those aspects and lost sight on others facets you story that could easily be with a few tweaking here and there, it would be all good to me. First off, I don't really know what is happening in the story, I get the message in the sub-text that Light and Sparks are on the hunting for humans that seem to be rumored to be roaming around Ponyville, but there isn't enough clear information to be clear that it is the case, neither why they are doing it( for fame If a got it correctly), how long they have been doing it, what they are hoping to get out of the publicity of the capture. For the humans, I don't know why they are in Ponyville, and why they are wearing masks ( I know the answer is that they don't want to be discovered, but why are they afraid of that happening), how they got stranded in Equestria, and how have they been able to not be capture sooner( I know the ponies are gulable but it need more meat to it). Also, the main big broblem that I have with the characters is that in his context, even doe the personalty of each character are very clear in my mind I don't know much about them or whey they doe things; for example why is Lucas is acting like a dick in front of the ponies, not that it need much explanation just a little to better understand why hes is disregarding Tony's orders, like just for the sake of pissing him off.
All in all it was an interesting read, if a bit confusing at times, I really like the sarcastic humor to it but the lack of context of motivation to their action make it hard to understand. I see great improvement in your writing One of the Crowd and I am looking forward to see more of you soon.
7001759 The improvement in dialogue is thanks to oh hi there actually. We both took on separate characters so the conversations would feel natural because they were natural. As for why they're there in the first place, we left hints at the end of the story.
7001445 eeyup
7001563 Well we weren't sure how we were going to go about it at first and that obviously showed in the beginning, but after we established what we were going to do we finally started getting it right.
7001657 I like them so they're brilliant!
Eyyyyyy that's pretty good.
In all seriousness, well done. Good premise, some good jokes, and all together nice.
7004967 why thank you good sir.
7005490 You are very welcome!