Look into your heart
Chapter 15: Look into your heart
"What the hell is that thing!"
"I don't know; want me to stop and ask it, Ryan?"
"DAMN IT CHANCE! Now is not the time for sarcasm," Ryan said as we were sprinting through the woods that surrounded us. We've been running for at least an hour because we literally couldn't stop. I decided to look behind my shoulder at one point and nearly had my eyebrows burnt off from that things fire.
"I said we shouldn't have come here, but nooooo. You had to fucking see this bullshit!"
"I'm sorry, Chance. You are lucky I have a plan,"
"What is it?"
"Just keep running!" he said to me while I kept an eye forward for something I'd need. When a low hanging branch was in sight I grabbed on and kept running causing it to break off. Now I just had to find some water...
******
My head felt as if someone just danced on top of it while trying to stomp on a spider at the same time. I could smell disinfectant in the air, and a few other things, but I wan't sure what they were. A beeping noise was going on near me; at this point I realized I was in a hospital but I didn't know why.
Opening my eyes I saw that I was in a bland white room with one window, and a nightstand. I was covered in a blanket that hid the majority of my body. I decided that getting up, and seeing why I was here was a good idea so I tried to sit up only to be caught half way. Something was holding me down to the bed; I couldn't move. The heart monitor next to me started to beep faster.
Everything around me started changing for some reason; until I realized I wasn't in a damn hospital. I was in a dark room with a boarded up window, and I could hear hoofsteps outside the door. That damn mare came in quickly to greet her recaptured torture doll probably, but I will not let her have me that easily.
"GET OVER HERE SO I CAN RIP YOUR HEART OUT!" I yelled toward her.
"Why ever would you want to do that, Lucky,"
"You know why you monster!" Shadows started to appear by the door, but I was more focused on the mare that was beside me now. She was messing with an IV bag that I never knew was in this room before. After a second everything started to get blurry and her voice became distorted, and I was scared.
***Nurse Red Heart point of view***
Why was that colt freaking out so much? He should of realized that he was no longer in danger from whatever it was that put him in danger in the first place. Then again he did pass out from using all of his magic at once which was why he was here.
Magic is so complicated when I think about it; I mean you use too much you die and you use to little you can't control it which can cause you to die. I started rubbing my temples over the thought, but it was over now so it was time to check up on my next patient.
"Mr. Dodger?"
" Please call me Arrow,"
"Alright Arrow. How are the burns?"
"They still hurt a little, but I'll live... I will live right?"
"Yes you will. May I ask what caused the burns in the first place?"
"It's classified,"
"These are sever magical burns. Whatever caused them would be extremely dangerous."
"Not dangerous, just protective," He said as I began to remove his bandages which revealed his leg which was covered in burns. He sounded like whatever did this to him was doing good, but what good could come out of doing this to a royal guard.
"Protecting what?"
"Classified. Hey is Charlie here? I heard he got a job here when I left to join the guard,"
"Dr. Charlie Horse isn't on duty, but I can call him if you'd like,"
"Thank you nurse," I was almost done wrapping new bandages around his legs when he asked the same question he asked everyday since he got in here. "How's Chance?"
"He's fine though he did have a panic attack a few moments ago. Don't worry he's been sedated and should be fine when he wakes up,"
"What caused it?"
"I don't know, though he did say he'd rip my heart out and called me a monster," Arrow was silent for a few minutes after that so I figured we were done conversing and made my way toward the door. He cleared his throat to get my attention before he spoke,
"If you tied him down that's why he's freaking out. Same thing happened last time and he told me about certain things; let me know if he goes off again and I'll handle it,"
"I don't think that would be a good idea,"
"I'll handle it," He said that with authority behind his voice so I decided not to press the issue for now. Besides I had other patients to deal with after all.
***Chance***
"I want to go home..." I whimpered silently.
******
I was staring at the boarded up window to my prison. I had given up trying to get free three days ago, and the monster knows it. Every time she comes in here she gloats about her victory as if I'd share her enthusiasm. I looked at the chain around my leg, and I felt angry over losing my freedom in such a way. A god damn chain is the only fucking thing stopping me other than the door which was almost always locked.
Why can't I just fucking go? what is the god damn point in torturing me like this? WHY SHOULDN'T I RIP OUT HER THROAT WHEN SHE GETS NEAR ME? I kept getting angrier and angrier over everything that had happened until my leg started to feel extremely hot, and my head felt weird as well.
I took my focus off of the chain and looked toward my leg where the chain was linked to what used to be a leather strap. That strap however was no longer there and ash had taken its place. I could move again, and I could run again. Today just became a good day.
Now we get to see a little more about how Chance thinks, and by that I mean what he thinks when he is tied down and unable to move. Also I want to know how I did presenting nurse Red Heart; good or bad. Also sorry for the shorter chapter, but Chance is the protagonist not Red Heart so I can't have this be a long chapter. Anyway thank you all for reading and have a wonderful day/night.
Edit: This story got featured! 
Thank you all for helping make this possible; I don't know how to express how happy I am without taking eight hours. With that said thank you all for reading, and I hope to see you all in the next chapter.
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This was my last year of high school, and I was getting ready for college when I was forcefully pulled from my home by some crazy horse thing. That however was only the beginning of my problems as when I woke up I was no more than a child. Things became rather difficult when I was able to get away from that mare. I don't rightly remember what happened next, but now I'm staying with a kid named Button Mash and his parents
who are looking after me for now. Even though no one believes me about my home I will find a way, I have to.The sex tag is only here because our protagonist will be making side comments about various topics and being a former teen he will be rather abrupt about certain things. In other words it's only here because of conversations that will occur.There, do those things and your summary will look better.
6374305 Thank you.
Good job kid, you got featured.
~TOOWC
6374400
HOLY CRAP! YOU WEREN'T LYING. 
I GOT FEATURED YEAH!
Can I ask what happened to the dragon Fire Catcher (that was his name right?) or is that going to be revealed later?
Well One of the Crowd, I think you just cross a new mile stone in your story telling, you have written a story that didn't rely started all that well, but you persevered on, and manage to make something that has grown so much to be that truly good, that can stand on it's own. You've lesson attentively to criticism without letting yourself be carried away by them especially by me, you interacted with your commentator, share with them discus with them joke with them. and now I thing you diverse this song...
oups! sorry wrong song...
Ah! there it is
So far you have managed to avowed all of the stupid clichéd scenes of most HiE stories, like meting all the mane six or become best pals with the princess, become absently overpowered or that Equestria becomes their playground and that eveypony bend for them. Chance has evolved a lot sens the first chapter from a humane turn colt whit an attitude to a full-fledge character with his own strength and weaknesses who try to do the best he can given the situation he is in, and that in the end he is lost in a world that he doesn't know and that it more or less indifferent over his split. He make a lot of mistakes, but that is because he doesn't seem to know or understand all the rules of were he is, and he will have to pay for them in one way or an other. We see that Chance's magic is as much a liability as much as it is an advantage. People with mental disorder are in actuality difficult to distinguish from a crowd and that you wouldn't know that they are standing right next to you until they are afflicted by an other panic episode and than they are dismiss as just crazy and lose the states of a rational relatable person to a THING hat is dangerous and must kept away from them. Fortunately for Chance, he is a fighter and he is starting to become consient of his condition. The problem with that is that everypony thing the part of being originally human is part of his condition and they will try to treat it just the same, and Chance will obviously resist the treatment or the sake of his own very identity, which he will not forsake for peace.
Seeing Chance's reaction his mind is rely haunted by that mare and show the depths of his tram, and show how his panic button is on a hair trigger and that restraining him in any way will just make things worst for him. We see that it was thanks to his magic that chance manage to escape from the mare and that it was fueled by a combination of turbulent emotions like anger, frustration, despair and fear. I loved that part and it explain If he ever want to have a handle on his magic he will need help, And I think the answer is obvious but that chance would need to exhaust all other avenues before being uttered a princess that already know about humans. I suppose Lira would be a good first alternative, as it would be supposed that it would be a good therapy for him, by his entourage, to overcome fear of being taken away again.
Arrow as grown a lot two, from being some dull guardpony who take life easy to a guardian that genuinely care for Chance like a brother, that he rely tries to understand him;is very heart touching and truly show that his calling of his profession. We also see that Arrow has a long pass behind him from Ponyville and it seem that he is trying to reconnect with his routes again, but has trouble to with doing that. It seem that his past reputation seem to hinder his attempts at reconnecting with his old acquaintance.
Oh, and I alsmost forgot to say Great chapter
6374207 good because who doesn't like a good bonfire.
"I will get the Marshmallow skewers."
6374671 Later, after all Chance did fight to defend him.
6374649
I know, I just get a little carried away and forget to capitalize names sometimes.
6374798 Part of his name is Lucky after all.
6374682
Thank you. I don't even know where to begin with this so I guess I'll start with the criticism thing. You have all pointed out my mistakes and it only served to make the story better which was all I wanted, a good story. Next I like talking with you all in the comments because you are all real people with ideas, opinions, and lives. I like being with you all in the sense that I can interact with you guys.
I've read many of those HIE stories that have the human being OP or becoming basically god and I've enjoyed them, but I didn't wan to write one of those stories. They've been done countless times and will be done for a long time but they can still become something great if done right.
Finally I'm glad to hear that my writing has gotten to a good point since I began with this. I've really enjoyed writing these chapters, and I'm looking forward to continuing with them.
Sorry I don't have more to say, but this is almost too good to be true and my brain is still processing it. Thank you for the song and I hope to see you in the next chapter.
PS: Thank you for sticking with me since I first started this story; I appreciate everything you've done for me.
Um... is Chance beginning to... lose it?
6375707 Lose what? He still has his vest if that's what you're asking.
6375833 Well, it seemed like he was hallucinating - He ranted at the wrong pony but apparently didn't see it wasn't the mare stalking him
6375845 Ooooh that. Well him being bound to the bed reminded him about when he was being held captive. And by reminded him I mean his mind made him think that he was once again being held captive and he began hallucinating.
6375853 So he's not exactly losing it, he's just having a bad flashback
6375875 Very bad flashback, but it don't mean he's completely sane either.
6375894 ...What did that mare do to him?
So O.O.T.C. what's your point of view on magic.
6375901 Imagine being ripped away from your home and thrown into a body that isn't yours. Now something will come to you everyday causing excruciating pain and forcing you to remember things better left forgotten. This is the broad version of what happened so you can guess at the rest.
6375908 And this mare is Lyra? Or did I misread that
6375604 Don't mention it, you deserve all the praises, god knows we all need it from time to time. You have a lot more nerve than I do for actually writing a story on your own time, I haven't even gotten the courage to do it myself yet. And seeing you work so hard on your story, is seriously starting to make me want to do it myself despite my very weak English. I have two stories that I am thinking of doing and I am hoping to get it out some time in two weeks.
I also wanted to warned you that I can be often overzealous in my observations, and I am afraid that I mite discourage you in doing your story over asinine details. I would also point out that I also like a lot of drama in my story and that I mite be unintentionally pushing you away from the comedy and slice of life that I believe your story is supposed to be originally. I would also say that you mite want to alternate between comedy to drama to bring out your story for the best contrast. In all I suppose these are all things you already know and that I am just repeating it.
I also wanted to ask you, was how do you plan out your story. I am just curious to know, I don't rely know how to start my own story and despite having read the guide on Fimfiction I would still need to know how others go about it.
Thank your One of the Crowd for taking the time to read this
6375911 Well I suppose I should tell you about the planning before I forget. I am one of those writers who come up with ideas as I write, but I have the intro and ending planned before I begin writing. I also plan a minimum of three major events in a story before beginning and come up with more major events later. An example here is Chances accidental balloon burst in the first chapter and going pranking with the CMC.
As for the comedy in the story I kind of got lost in writing all of this without thinking ' oh wait this needs some jokes' so that's my bad. Also your observations are extremely helpful and you aren't rude about what you point out which I appreciate. This is also something I enjoy doing since I get to mess with a world and see what others think about what I create in it.
Let me know when you write one of those stories by the way; I want to read them. Thanks for the comments; they make everything better.
Edit: I just remembered something you might find helpful with your main character. If you're writing in first person put one of your actual traits into the character so it's easier to think like they would. Do not do a self insert just put a trait to help with writing the character.
6375910 Misread. He believes its Lyra right now, but the actual mare is named Jungle Vine which I revealed back in chapter 8 during one of Chances flash backs. The name was revealed when Arrow talked about the bounty out on her,
6375946 Well it sounds to me she's never gonna stop until either she's taken Chance again or is imprisoned. Or perhaps even if one or the other is dead
6376019 I know you're trying to get me to reveal plot points. You have failed at getting me to reveal them.
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I'm joking. Though you're right about her never giving up.
6376025 Well for whatever horrors she subjected Chance to, I hope she's caught and sent away for a very long time
He might be adult in mind, but technically he is a foal now. Child abuse is inexcusable
6376075 We will see what happens to her and Chance later in the story. I can't say she will get whats coming to her, but I can say things will be really heated.
Your pacing is shite, Slow it down, add more detail. You're going too fast.
Sorry it took me forever to get to this.
had a rough day.
the new chapter made me smile.
as for Redheart just remember that she is a take-no-shit kinda mare.
being the head nurse of a hospital will do that to a pony. even though she can be kind of a hard ass she really dose care, it's just hard to see all the time.
also she pretty much lives at the hospital and has, like, no time off, so she can seem pretty stressed in her off hours.
6376801 Thank you, Characters that already have a personality are always harder for me to write than making my own. Though they do make creating the character easier as well if that makes sense.
6376288 In the chapter or the entire story?
6377467 Entire Story. ...unfortunately. It might be rather nice but clichéd otherwise.
6378641 I would like to know what you mean that the story is cliché. Just curious to know...
6379009 Lyra craziness. Kidnapped into Equestria, (believe it or not, definitely has been done before), Lyra-fanon-crazy, Standard Protagonist succeeding rather regularly in being in agreement with their surroundings, being a little sueish so far...
Got to hand it to you though, I've only seen HiE Fostercare this transparent and true-2-irl a total of 3 times.
It's a very standard story...though that's fine, it'd still be enjoyable.
6379541 I think you are jumping the gun a little on on a few things so. Firstly we don't even know a thing about Lyra back-story so far there haven't had a proper exposition on her yet, there haven't had much talk about her and she has only spoken ones in the dragons den. Next, that depend on a mutual definition of what constitute a Gary Stews, Chance has has shone very little of the comment traits of that, as I see it. A general definition as I know it, a Gary Stews is a protagonist how gets every thing his way, is a paragon of goodness that has no flaws, ever makes mistakes, always win, never truly struggle in his fights, can sway anyone to see share his views. examining all that, Chance is none of that, he is a full fledge character with his strength and flawed as an individual, he doesn't have a solution for everything and he has made a great many massive mistakes, and he has failed in many of his attempts to get what he wants.
All doe I doe grant it to you, it is true that it is a some what generic story, It has many flaws as you have well pointed out, which at the moment is the passing of the story, but I see potential in this one especially with all the progress that One of the Crowd Considering all the progress that he has done in such a short time.
6379541 Normally I'd read this and just be like okay, but I'd like to point a few things out. Lyra was only recently introduced and we have no idea on her personality what so ever, and every single idea for how to get to Equestria had bee used so I used one I haven't seen a ton of. If I sound rude I apologize, but I felt that I should at least say something. Everything else you've said though I don't want to accept, but is probably accurate. Thank you for taking your time to read and for leaving you thoughts on what to improve in the future.
Edit: I just noticed mix-up already pointed out the Lyra thing so ignore that bit of what I said.
6379685
6380914
It's more or less the potential of that rather than the actual usage of the Lyra trope. You know, the association she usually gets to anything human. I've explained most of it anyways, and that I don't see them as bad tools.
I'd really rather see you work on lengthening out what's already there and cleaning up the little punctuation spills here and there. Capitalization errors for characters names, etc. etc. Most of your other readers have already explained one thing or another with your story that you could fix. I've found it mostly to be punctuation and 'of' replacing the 'have's like 'could have', 'would have', 'should have' and the like. Oh, and you created additional spacing in the summary near the sentence end side of a period you can correct.
You show a basic understanding of how to write a story, just get an editor or experienced co-writer to help you along.
Toodles and Cheerio,
IkioStar
P.S. I hereby invite both of you to the Library of Humanity group. If you join, we hope you have a pleasant stay with us.
6382799 Thank you for your advice and the invite. Now to get over my fear of people and find an editor or co-writer.
This is going to suck
a metal chain... linked to a leather strap.
Just....