• Member Since 17th Dec, 2015
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Inukshuk


Work in a remote area and trying to take up writing FIMFICs since what else can you do not have much of an internet connection.

T

Pinkie finds a young colt collapsed in the snow in one of the worst winter storms of the year. The colt's parents are no where to be seen and he does not understand Equestrian.

Desperate to help the lost colt Pinkie volunteers to take him in. But is Pinkie really ready to provide the proper environment that would help encourage the colt to overcome his challenges?

Cover Art done by the amazing Mixup.

Check him out:
Mixup (fimfiction)
Deviant art

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 131 )

"Hyperthermia" is an extremely high temperature, I think you meant "hypothermia" that's the one with low body temperature

7158152 Oops will fix. Thanks for pointing it out.

After entering the hospital, Pinkie is using "she" when taking about the mystery colt.

7158897 Thanks for pointing that out and it is now fixed (in my initial draft the boy also went through a gender change but I did not like where that was going).

I also found a second instance where I made the same mistake (in the same paragraph:facehoof:).

7158972 missed one

"Nurse help her please!"

Hmm, you seem to use the same descriptive term a lot, such as colt or the characters name. Might try using he, him, she or her a bit more. As you said, it's your first story, lord knows mine was a mass of red corrections from my friend turned editor.

Other then that, fairly interesting story.

7176570 I saw that I was doing that also and I am spending a fair bit of time editing the next chapter to make sure it flows a fair bit better. I will be going back to fix my prologue in the future to reword it.

This is fairly good so far. I do enjoy me some human turned pony even more when a mane 6 takes on a maternal role, hmmm maybe I'm weird.

A few capitalization errors and "resent" should be "recent", but overall: my interest is peaked!

This has potential keep it up.

you know nothing jon snow ... you know that was coming :ajsmug:

I enjoyed the story so far. Looking for more.




Constructive Criticism time.
Q: Do you prefer these in the comments or as a PM?

There was a bit with Pinkie's emotions where you told us what she was feeling... (show, don't tell) that was a bit much. "An overwhelming sense of joy washed over Pinkie causing her to return the the embrace with an even tighter hug of her own." I would suggest shortening it to "Pinkie returned the the embrace with an even tighter hug of her own." Her action shows that she is happy, you don't need to spell it out.

Typos:

He wore a grateful smile on his face which caused a Pinkie's heart to flutter with joy

You would only use the phrase "A Pinkie" if there was more than one of them to choose from.

The young B boy sat on the back of his father's snowmobile as it raced across the sea ice.

Boy isn't a name, a title or a city so it isn't capitalized.

The Bboy nudged his father, "Dad, I need to pee", He yelled over the roar of the snowmobile's engine.

The Boy's His father let up on the throttle and they came to a restful stop. "Make it quick we have a ways to go yet"

Confused the Boy, he looked around in an attempt locate the voice, but the only creature around him was the fox.

We already know he is a boy. Use Him, his, he, .... instead.

This time the Boy he saw that the fox was pointing a paw back towards the snowmobile.

Then to the Boy's horror his father disappeared from the ice in a splash of water.

The next paragraph describes the boy's horror well enough, by showing it via his actions rather than saying what he felt.

At least at this point there won't be any more "the Boy"....

The Colt's His mind was now in full panic mode.

Grrrrr... :twilightangry2:

Unable to comprehend why this was happening He he let out a blood curdling scream.

Ok. I've decided to just skim the rest for errors... I need to quit for the night and get some sleep. :twilightblush:

"Ah ha!" exclaimed Pinkie finally satisfied with her choice.

A sentence begins with a capital letter.

"Hello little one my name is Caring Skies. What is your name?"

"Hello little one, my name is Caring Skies. What's your name?"

He felt very alone, Gone w "I want my father" he whimpered as he buried his face in his fore-hooves.

Ummm something is missing here. Not sure what the "w" was supposed to be.

7178698

Thanks for pointing out the typos, they have been fix. Not sure what happened with the half completed sentence. Since i do not remember what i was going to write i just removed the fragment.

Thanks again.

Just two things story wise.

1: why did the ice crack then. the snowmobile would have less weight since the kid got off so that didn't make sense.
2: Caring Skies should have said hooves instead of hands.

7178825

1. It is Arctic sea ice, due to tidal stresses the ice is constantly shifting (the ice is never a solid sheet even though it can be tough tell that it is not since it is often hidden under snow) causing it to be weaker in some locations than others. This shifting can even cause areas to become ice free (I travel allot in the Canada's western arctic and have seen large random holes in the ice). The situation I described almost happened to one family in a community I visit. Lucky for them no one was on or near snowmobile when it happened and they were able to use the other two snowmobiles they had to get themselves back to town safely.

2. I found where I wrote hands. It is fixed now.

I hope that shed some light on the your question and thank you pointing out the hands thing.

7178938 Minor things. and I don't live that far north to know all of that.

This story still has my attention and it is the second story that did something like having Pinkie adopt a foal.

Not one for reviews but I liked and saved the story... keep at it! ;)

Color me intrigued! Watching!

without warning the bright pink pony started to talk in a language the young colt did understand. A look of terror crept across this face as the pink pony kept up her rant. Once the pony finished talking and she stared at him as if she expected some kind of answer. When she did not receive a answer she brought her face in closer to him and started to talk once more.

please don't remove the language barrier to soon. Sometimes I feel this is some kind of mistake, only made because no one wants to work with it

Pretty interessting so far.

Visibility was only a few meters making it thought to see the edges for the road. This though did was not much concern to Pinkie.

two mistakes right there.

I'm back!

More suggestions.

The boy nudged his father, "Dad, I need to pee", Hhe yelled over the roar of the snowmobile's engine.

Capitalization error.

"Dad?", the Boy tentatively called out. The eerie groaning of the sea ice shifting was the only response. Tears started flowed down the side of his face. "Dad, where did you go?", he yelled into the empty expanse.

You don't need to say who is speaking every time. Also, it was another one of "the Boy"s.

His eyes moved from the glass to his arm and let out a gasp, what he saw was not his hand but a hoof.

there was a double space in the middle of the sentence.

Gone were his arms and legs, in there their place were four limbs that ended in hooves. In place of his tan skin, a full pelt of white fur greeted his eyes.

there/their error. Also, second sentence needed a comma.

He had been admitted after he suffered the rath wrath of a mares that was not the least bit impressed with how he kept trying to flirt with her.

Forgot the w on wrath. Also it was a mare.... not mares.

"sShhh, it will be alright just calm down", cooed Lemon Heart in the most soothing voice she could muster.

Beginning of sentence needs to be capitalized.

hHe Llet out a quiet whimper as she made contact the colt promptly fainted.

Also there was an extra space between "colt promptly"

"Stressful Dday I see" he said noticing the the large stack of papers on her desk.

"I went through every missing foal report I could get my Hhooves on",

"The colt had a fairly bad panic attack and fainted while he was in the presence of of the the nurse."

"hHello?" Pinkie asked in a sing song voice.

The sound permeated through the room.

Extra space removed between permeated and through.

wWithout warning the bright pink pony started to talk in a language the young colt did understand.

She tried to understand why he had been so frightened, what had she done wrong and how could she make him smile were the thoughts going through her head.

Redundant. You already said she was thinking about it.... we don't need to be told her thoughts reside within her head. (Now if her thoughts were outside her head.... :derpytongue2:)

Nurse Lemon heart had been correct the colt was terrified of most ponies. This made Caring Skies wondered what horrible thing the colt had been through to make him this way. She was glad to see that he at least saw Pinkie as a pony he felt safe around and could trust. She could eventually build off use this relationship to help him open up a bit more, but first she had to see if Pinkie was correct.

I felt the first sentence was unnecessary.
forgot a noun in the second sentence
Third sentence was worded a bit awkwardly. I thought this change makes it flow a bit better. Still not happy with it.

"yYou don't think the colt's hind legs are paralyzed, do you?" Caring skies asked.

"Pinkie Ccan I get you to lift the colt onto the bed so I can run some quick tests on him?"

"Then it is decided, until we are told otherwise The coltwe'll call him now known as Soft Snow"

Overview:
The most common mistakes were the capitalization errors and overusing boy/colt.

7179979

Thank you again for pointing out more typos, they have been fixed.

In my original rough draft instances of the colt/the boy occurred more often. I had tried to go through and fix it since it was pointed out to be a problem in my prologue (which I will need to go back and fix), but it appears that I missed more than my fair share instances (just imagine what my rough draft looked like, I promise it was not pretty).

As for the capitalization I will need to be more careful.

Thanks again

Hmm, this is getting interesting. If you need a proof reader, btw, PM me.

Your doing better, still room for improvement but then that's true of everyone's writing, even my own. Keep up the good work, and don't get discouraged.

More chapters please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

her revaluation

That word bugged me, so I opened a dictionary, revaluation is the correction of the value of a curency. I don't think it apply in this context.
Revelation maybe?

the young colt did understand

Does he now?

Of coarse you can have another cupcake

Of course, he have some coarse manners :twistnerd:

You sir, have caught my interest, I shall wait for more! :moustache:

7186705

I have been having a bit of writers block but I think I am past it now. I hope to have the rough draft done by the weekend (then comes editing).


7187388

Thank you for pointing out the typos, they have been fixed.

7189525 You're welcome.

Nice tale so far, it look like it is going in an interesting direction and your writting style while unpolished is serving well the story.

Decided to re-read it for fun! :pinkiehappy:

Gah... it appears I missed some stuff. :twilightoops:

A sharp pain erupted from the side of his face but as he opened his eyes he was still confronted with the same nightmarish sceneseen

Wrong word. seen vs scene

Lemon Heart's concern grew, never in her ten years of working as a nurse had she seen an another a pony reacted in such a that way to her presence.

using "an another" indicated that there was a previous patient that fainted in fear... but earlier you said it had never occurred before to her.

She had been looking through them for hours and had tackled most of the reports but unfortunately none of them seemed matched the description of the colt Pinkie Pie had found.

His stomach then made hungry noises so I gave him some cupcakes and now we're the friends."

He hid his face in Pinkie's fur as he shook in fear at the proximity of a the new Ppony

Pony had a capitalization error. There is also an extra space in between "in" and "fear".

"YourYou're OK, I promise no one will hurt you"

Your vs You're shenanigans.

7231014 Thanks again, the typos have been fixed

I am still working on the next chapter. I keep rewriting sections of it as I am trying to make Pinkie accepting responsibility for the colt.. I mean Soft Snow feel natural.

My traveling schedule for work has also got in the way of my writing but I hope to be satisfied with my next chapter by the end of the month (or maybe the end of the long weekend).

7231904
Well, if you want an editor.....
:twilightblush:

I might be able to help you depending how busy I am with work by then. (I'm a farmer:ajsmug:, and there are allot of acres I will need to plant once it stops raining:applejackconfused:)

This is definitely an improvement over the first chapter, the set up is good, having Pinky Pie be a mother figure is not new but you might make something interesting out of it. It is not clear to me if he the boy/colt is an hearth pony or not, It it clear that he is not a pegasus sens he would have felt the winks much earlier. I hope to see more of your story and that you will keep improving on your writing skills.

7298436 A month later and I am still trying to to get the next chapter just right (part of it has to do with being in a isolated community without internet for half the month).

I keep rewriting sections as I am not satisfied with the flow of the chapter (I want it to be good and not half assed). It's almost done though so I hope to have an update soon.

Huh. The ball really was a great idea. Simple but layered. You go, Pinks.

Ctrl+f "feet"/ replace with "hooves"
Only one part where that's needed that I noticed, other than that, pretty good overall

7325954 Fixed

Thanks for pointing the typo out

SWEET! Update! Gotta read!!!!

On either side there were incidents where a one could comfortably rest their hooves.

suggestions: remove the 'a'
replace incidents with indents or indentations.

7326093 Thanks for the catch it has been fixed.

7325915 I toyed (yay puns) with the idea of something else, but something simple like a ball just felt more like Pinkie.

7326254 Pinkie should make a decent foster. Fun Aunt to Fun Mom, depending on where this is in the canon timeline. Post Cranky and Season Three she developed to the point were she would be a good, if VERY energetic mother. Before that, decent guardian and more aunt material. She's a deeper thinker than the nurses are giving her credit for.

7325954
Oh. God. I can't believe I missed that.

The pacing was good, and Pinkie's idea with the ball was really HER. I totally would suspect people to write her off but then bam leave it to her to pin point the obvious in a way only she can.

I am eagerly waiting for his first word in Equish. I just know he is gonna look at her and say "Good Night, Mommy." then I will die of the feels!

But pace that out. DONT JUMP TO IT! Build to it! Tease at it. That's something that hits her on some random Tuesday night after a few weeks

Keep going I really like this!!

This chapter is even better that the last I see a lot of improvement in your story and I am happy that you manged to get people to help you in your story. Medical personnel were engaging for the most part except maybe toward the end when they ask PP to tack him in, it just felt neutral because you didn't put much descriptions into their tone of voice to make them sound very serious to Pinky. I would also imagine that they would try to have an someone to do an investigation as to try and find out how is that colt, I think Twilight might take a special interest in the Soft's language, but I am not sure if she could do the investigation on her own, maybe she could have some help. I also think that they should find him a social worker that would make sure that Pinky is taking good care of him in the meanwhile. I would also wander how they would professionally try to teach soft of to speak Equestrian I am not sure that Pinky can to it on her own. Don't get me wrong she has improved a lot sens the baby Cakes, and I am sure she is a great babysitter but I don't think she knows how hectic it can be a disagreement are bond to happen. I wander if Soft is going to interact with that Cakes Foal regularly.

7326642 Thanks for the comment. I will pay closer attention to ensure a proper tone voice is used during conversations going forward.

Thanks for pointing that out.

Wow!
You made a lot of progress, I don't know how much is you and how is your two helper, but we passed from good to very good, leaning into the great territory!

The pacing was very good, don't worry, I just think that the timeline in-universe is weird. After less then a day they conclude that he is an orphan and he is already getting forster parents?
Shouldn't they wait a bit more for an answer?

7326751 I try to keep in mind criticism from my previous chapters as I write, so I like to think I am improving. FordPerfect though is a very good editor. He has a really good eye, pointing out all my errors (especially when it came to punctuation in and around conversations :facehoof:).

I is a good chapter, sometimes I forget what it was about, but I remembered the first chapter and well it was nice to read about him again.

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