• Member Since 17th Mar, 2015
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febnic16


T

The story of my down fall had started. I was out numbered, out gunned and my magical reserves were drained. At the moment when I felt the bullet hit, I thought it was over and I would never see those I care for again, so I closed my eyes and accepted what would happen next.

But desitny stepped in and gave me a new chance to live again. I now have chance to experience life in the fullest; or will I be doomed to repeat my mistakes again and watch all that care for to fall to the darkness that is ever present.

The world I awoke to was different but it felt right. Everyone is here alive and well and what I know about them and the world is wrong. There is no talk of war, but the factors that lead to war from where I came from are still present. The people of Equestria seem to be unaware of advances in technology that have happened. This is due to the fact that nobles keep every advancement a secret so that they can keep the power that they had for generations. Not all but some want change and advancement.

Now the time has come for me to make a choice of who I should be.

Should I become the silent protector who leads a normal life? Should I become a soldier that rose out from the ranks to be a beloved leader? A wandering warrior with immense power and skill that found something worth protecting? Or become a legend of shadows and take my place as the greatest warrior till the end of time.

I don’t know what I’ll do, but as Valkyrie of Equestria, I Twilight Sparkle will do everything in my power to save this country.

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 144 )

How will I, Valkyrie Twilight Sparkle save Equestria?

one word got me interested

Oh wow color me intrigued please continue :pinkiehappy:

OK I'm intrigued can't wait for more :pinkiesmile:

That quote of Galileo's sounds like one of the best lines to have Twilight say I've ever seen.

The room was still, and the only sounds was coming from the two forms fast asleep on the queen size bed. The light from the setting sun peaks through the currents emulating the dark blue room just enough to wake the taller of the two sleep forms. The seemingly ageless young women gets out of the bed with extreme cation and precision of that expert sergeant, as not wake the other sleeping form. The young women with dark blue hair walks over to the currents and pulls them open slight bit more as to allow her walk out on to the balcony. Looking out upon her kingdom with joy and sadness she lets out a sigh. Just before her sigh is finished she is embraced by to strong yet gentle arms. “Luna meum, what is bothering you?” the shorter of the two asked.

sounds was -> sound was OR sounds were
peaks -> peeked (peak means highest point, peek means look furtively)
emulating. Wrong word choice. Emulating means a similar thing to simulating. Maybe you wanted ", emanating through" ?
gets -> got. You started in past tense, stay in past tense.
extreme caution... should be something like "the extreme caution and precision of an expert sergeant." As it is, it's not grammatically correct.
as not -> so as not to
women -> woman. Women is plural, woman is singular.
walks -> walked. You started with past tense, not present.
pulls -> pulled. You started with past tense, not present.
slight bit more -> a slight bit more
as to allow her walk -> "so as to allow her to walk", or even better, just "... open a slight bit more, allowing her to walk..."
on to -> onto
lets -> let. You started with past tense, not present.
is -> was
is -> was
to -> two (two is the number, to means "in order to")

Aaaaand that is why I am not going to read any further chapters until you do find that editor you're looking for. I am interested in the premise, though, so if you're lacking editors, I'd be willing to do that ^, just with more effort put in.

6294517
thank you for pointing those out.
I have an editor as of today 8/7/2015.
once the second chapter goes up, a revised first chapter will go up as well.

Oh wow this seems interesting and wouldn't Trixie have a better personality being that she's an element of harmony

6307816
Trixie does have a better personality. But when she is mad or irritated she slips back to her old ways.

Why did she call my name without my horrific? Do I know her? Is she decedent of someone I knew?

Honorific, and descendant. :twilightsmile: (unless she's still Nightmare Moon, in which case I guess 'horrific' might apply :rainbowlaugh:)

Crepusculum translates to Twilight in our tong.

-ue. :twilightsheepish:

Trixie made Fluttershy cry! :twilightangry2:

6308145
thanks for pointing out those errors.
yeah Trixie did make Fluttershy cry. But it was for a good reason, that being I got to introduce the shipping of Celestia and Fluttershy. I shall call this pairing Sunrise.

6307860 Really hard to see any improvements so far. Actually what you have shown implies that your version of Celestia is too fucking incompetent to see the disaster that giving someone as arrogant and quick-to-anger a position like a princess is. What you have already shown alone is enough to call to question how the hell did Trixie first of all get the Elements to work in the first case, let alone how did the others not get tired to her bullshit. You have basically given, what seems to be, a no character development version of Trixie, the power of royalty. That is simply a sure fire way to invite disaster and I don't think Celestia, who has ruled Equestria for well over a 1000 years, wouldn't have already dealt with this.

Sorry but this level of fuck-up from Celestia is simply too out of character for me stomach. You got me interested with a mention of Valkyrie Twilight, but the rest of your premise so far falls flat due the Trixie situation. I just can't see Celestia offering Starswirls spell to Trixie with how you have depicted her.

oh im laughing on the inside shes a pegasus (Im assuming there is no way to tell a earth pony human from a mage unless they use magic)
no she isnt shes an alicorn
right?

oh trixie i give it 1 diplomacy meeting with the griffins before you start a war

Wow this has really got me interested! More please!

MOTHER. BUCKING. CALLED IT!!!!

I Knew she was an alicorn the moment you said pegasus (trixie is going to be pissed, also i get the feeling that trixie has the hots for luna Ha suck it trixie)

On another note wow just wow the elements are dead in twilights timeline and her mistakes caused most of them by the sounds of it. She is going to lose it when she sees them again.

Also clarify plz is twilights time line more technologically advanced than trixies Ie: guns instead of swords i suspect no considering that the doctor knew what bullets were but mabey there still ahead by a bit

“Luna left with Doctor Tourniquet about ten minutes ago,”

This feels like a bit of a weird time-blip since Luna had spoken in that same conversation, several paragraphs previous. Might want to add or change things a little there to give more sense of time passing. :twilightsmile:

I wonder what they're going to do with their sudden glut of alicorns. :rainbowlaugh:

ok when is this fic going to update?

6424440 the next chapter will be out about 2 weeks

Oh, the sweet voices of angles. So acute and obtuse.

There is too much purple in this prose.

6444727 Thanks for the input. The Star that Shines in the Night Sky is the prolog of the story. I intentionally wrote it that way.

well here we go velvet is on a killing spree

6502409 well she is obvious angry at twilight for something the way she screamed at her

I'm now curious as to what will happen. The Griffons were already upset about a fourth alicorn, how will they respond to a fifth? I wonder how Trixie will react to the fact that Twilight was the student in her time and how will the elements react to two wielders of magic?

This is great. I look forward to more badass Twilight.

I love the Latin idea. Can't wait to read more.

Sugarcube, you seem to have caught my interest.
I'll be reading the other chapters as well.

:pinkiegasp: I always thought it would be cool to explore an Equestria with humans intead.

:raritystarry: Instead of horns glowing when they do magic, in my imagination, I see their eyes glowing.

Pegasai are angels. obviously.

but I think you're doing the angel thing here.
so great minds think alike. :raritywink:

and Fluttershy X Celestia?
I've never even thought of that before.
it has potential. I kinda wanna see a fic with that ship that has a more canon like setting.

6663542
6663573
I think it is more likely that it was twilight who fired the shot. The question would be if she killed, wounded, or disarmed him.

6664058 just :facehoof: tell me the next chapter is close at hand i need to see what twilight will do does she take the bullet or does she shoot him or maby we get to see fluttershys immortality take effect

also i wonder if celestia tied there life forces together so as long as one live so does the other

6664131 All in good time. All in good time.

Twilight must be made of pretty stern stuff. A 50mm APCR is less a "put a hole in you" and more a "splash you across the landscape" kind of projectile. :rainbowlaugh:

6665633 Twilight's Armor That saved her. It was the same armor when she returned to her world, But at that it was at 100% capability. And the fact she is an Alicorn helps.

6665750 well she is alicorn they are immortal too so they will fix themselvs up Again in time correct

There were a lot of grammar mistakes spread around the story and the sudden transitions made it confusing at times. :ajsleepy:
But at the same time it's really interesting, innovative and the plot drags you in. :pinkiehappy:
All in all I think the positives win. Have a thumbs up and a new follower for this, good work :twilightsmile:

If I remember my Latin correctly you'd want to use

Crepuscula = Twilight
Luna mea/mea Luna = My Moon

Order doesn't matter as much in Latin but the ending participles give context

-us being a masculine suffix
-a feminine being the feminine
-um neuter being the neutral

It's one of the subtle nuances of the language. I had to Google search the third suffix just to make sure I remembered the correct wording was neuter specifically.

Also there is different participles for plurals, first person, second person, and third person

I like the story, but the grammar and spelling is rather distracting.

I came for Badass Twilight, and possibly some shipping, so my opinion is rather biased. I feel like the same-sex couples' struggles theme is pretty heavy handed, here, but I'll assume that the focus on each one of the 5 relationships here is relevant to the plot.

Done with the negative, on to the positive.

GO TWILIGHT! DESTROY THEM ALL FOR YOUR SOVRAN! :flutterrage:

Better tech, magically gifted, highly trained, absolutely loyal... This is how I love Twilight: OP as shit and knowing it. :pinkiecrazy: Also the constant overwatch from the shadows, appearing the moment she is called and disappearing just as quickly. Always a fun characteristic. :rainbowdetermined2:

6694709 Well the same sex couples and the five pairings are part of a larger problem. It no the many focus, but it will play a little bit larger role later down the line.

Also Twilight will be in a fight with a very much hated person next chapter.

6707934 it can't be Nightmare moon ??????????????? can it

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