The Elements of Harmony were annihilated in the final confrontation against Discord. Without them, there was only a matter of time until things fell apart. In a world without Harmony, the Solar Dominion is locked in an endless confrontation against the Lunar Sovereignty. Neither faction has a distinct advantage. The entire race of ponies is quite literally tearing itself apart.
Enter Twilight Sparkle, a uniquely gifted battlemage under the tutelage of Princess Celestia. Sent on a clandestine mission into Lunar lands, she must keep her identity secret at all costs as she recovers a mysterious relic that will tip the balance of the war. She isn't the only one with their own agenda in these treacherous lands, however, and with nopony to watch her back, she's going to have to do it herself.
6234829 Thanks for the support, much appreciated!
Assuming this should be Waste.
Assuming this should be who.
As for the story itself; YES! EVIL!DASH IS EVIL!!! I was hoping Rainbow would be doing something like this. Can't wait to see what Pinkie Pie is up to in this world.
What the actual Buck.
What just happened here? How in Tartarus did Twilight get that amount of power? (Still awesome BTW)
6239162 Thought I caught those. Thanks!
6239182 Throughout the show, Twilight has been shown to have extraordinarily strange reactions to surprise and anger, e.g. the magic surge when she got her cutie mark, or when your Twilight Sparkle has evolved into a Rapidash. Given that she's a battlemage in this continuity, I simply weaponized her surges.
Alright. One chapter down.
My overall impression: I like it. It's got a good pace to it and there is certainly a huge world you've built with a lot of interesting things in it that will keep me invested.
The pacing is a bit fast and it can be a bit telly at times, but you've dumped a lot of information on us within a low word count without being overbearing. And I do say fast, but what I mean is that a lot has happened in the chapter. It proceeded at an exciting pace and introduced new characters (with familiar faces) and story elements. It is a very bare-bones style that feels great for a quick read.
Now, I think this is the first "Celestia is a Tyrant" fic that I've ever read, but it may be too soon to tell. That was one of the things that rocked me from my immersion early on: Celestia's and Twilight's relationship. I'm not saying that it isn't possible that Celestia could be like how you portrayed her, but it really goes against the almost motherly relation she has with Twilight in the show. Also, Twilight didn't feel like Twilight in that one scene either. Perhaps this world has left them more jagged. As an AU fic though, I wouldn't count this as a demerit, just something I wasn't expecting and it hurt my immersion a little bit. But after that, very little else ruined my immersion.
I've noticed a few times that you used words that were quite a bit advanced. I had to look up two of them. I think you unintentionally misused "proffer."
Also, Twilight seems to have no limit to spells she can perform. She pulled out so many spells just when she needed them. Whisps? A long range blinding spell? A map spell? There currently seems to be no limits to what she can't do. That's something you will need to be careful of.
One final thing I liked was your varied sentence structures. It flowed nicely and after we meet "Marks," things really got very interesting and my immersion was at its deepest.
I look forward to reading the rest of this later. Keep up the good work and stay awesome.
What sentence does this Footnote correspond to?
And totally saw that coming. I'm just going to call it now, this fic ends with Rarity and Twilight on the twin thrones after the kill the Alicorn Sisters.
Current Theory: Discord did his mind Alteration Magic on Celestia. She never recovered. There also isn't a Nightmare Moon in this Universe. Just Luna.
6243058 Thanks for all the feedback. It's something I'm constantly at pains at to correct, building magical characters with believable limits. I believe I did it decently well in this particular story, except for the first chapter.
Also, magic surges, but that's something completely different in and of itself.
6243058 And as for the wisps, that's my bad. That's a passage from the book she's reading, but it somehow un-italicized itself. Thanks for letting me know, and it's been fixed.
Okay, wow.
This chapter was quite the thrill ride. I liked this much more than the previous chapter. Here are a few things I noticed, though.
Missing a verb at the end.
Now, I don't get too jostled by telly language. I don't know if these means I'm simple and easy to please, not as cultured in writing as others think I should be, or both, but this one really stood out to me.
At this moment, I too was pretty shook up. You did a great job with this scene - building it up, creating a sense of dread - I'm terrified. Then those two words pop up. I know it's terrifying. It doesn't need to be said. One of the things I try to avoid is stating blatantly how characters feel and instead translate that through words and actions. Those two worlds felt redundant and didn't add at all to my emotion.
Still, that was a terrific scene.
Typo.
Also, I had to go back and reread this part twice. I think I understood what happened - The light Marks produced tricked the skeletons into following it and leave the circle, thus sapping them of their magical bonds - right? It just seems like there was no indication that the beings moved and instead collapsed where they were, as if they traveled by spirit or some such thing.
Anyway, really good so far. I really want to see what happens next!
6245680 Again, thanks for the feedback, especially that bit about the immersion-break. I tend to be a little telly in my writing, so any advice at all is amazing. Also, pointing out typos. I'm constantly haunted by typos. I hate them. Thank you so much.
I've mentioned this before, but your pacing is pretty fast, but you do seem to slow down well over some parts and prevent yourself from being repetitive. This fast pace really helps keep the story exciting!
One thing I've forgotten to mention on the first two chapters was the notes. Personally, I don't like them because they require scrolling to find, and if I don't use the bookmark function, it takes time for me to find my spot. I've just stopped reading them all together. Some people may like them, but not me. It does give your story a unique feel, like it's being told through a journal, a report, or letters, but to find out what they say about what breaks my immersion.
Still, a minor gripe on a very exciting story.
Also,
This chapter started of with a bang.
Damn.
If there was a way to start of a chapter to keep the heart racing, you did fine here.
Of course, there was a bit of disbelief when Twilight had that surge, but you just have to remember her surge as a filly and her talent is magic.
Oh, and that Rapidash thing in the show? I don't consider that magic, just a visual gag.
6249294 Do you think it would be a wise decision for me to remove the notes entirely?
6249328 My personal take on the Rapidash is that it did happen, since during it, you can see light reflecting on the others' faces, and she's generally a bit charred when she comes out of it. There's a bit of ambiguity in animation, though, so to each their own.
Can't sleep, so I come back for another.
Short chapters aren't bad, it means that I can eat it up and come back for more if I still have room. I liked this chapter as well. Now we have another problem: Twilight might be alone again! Oh noes! And there is a mad pegasus out there wanting to kill her too!
Anyway, I kind of have a theory as to why Celestia's effigies are destroying the town Twilight visits: They are wiping out all who may have seen Twilight and preventing word about her presence from being spread.
Still, dick move, Celestia, dick move.
6249350
It's up to you. My views on what are bad and good writing are constantly changing as I learn from people on this site, books, and the works of past authors that I've been trying to digest rapidly to increase my exposure to good literature. Everyone seems to have their own styles, tastes, approaches, and ideas.
Readers also seem to have their own limits as well. I'd say get rid of them, but that's up to you. I've just decided to ignore them and skip over them because it ruins my immersion. Others may like it. Others may not. All-in-all, though, they can be skipped and they don't intrude on the reading since you place them in scene transitions and at the end of the chapters. Thus they may do no harm if you leave them, but I wouldn't expect a lot of people to read them. At least on their first read through of the chapter.
6249350
No! The footnotes are the best part! They're what shows this story is Twilight reflecting on her past adventures, rather than living them. To me they completely change the tone of the story by hinting at how different the story Twilight is when compared to the older 'footnote' twilight. Besides, they're easy to skip if you don't want ro read them.
6249832 Noted. Hmm, this will warrant some consideration.
I'm enjoying this story so much.
Oh, and I've gone back and read the footnotes after I finished the portions instead of skipping them entirely or waiting until I finished the chapter this time. Remember how I said if I were you I would stop using these? Yeah, I changed my mind. They don't add much, but they still do add something that really adds to Twilight's snarky demeanor. (Hindsight is 20/20 Twi.)
All these new revelations have me wanting to read more and find out what will happen next. (Oh, and that's a bummer about your hand. Get well soon!)
6253893 Then the footnotes shall stay!
And thanks for the get well soon. It means more than people think.
Also, how's your stance on Twilight's magical limits at the moment? Have they become more believable?
Twilight can't get a break, can she?
This was certainly another exciting chapter with another somewhat shocking revelation. Called it!
But... what could this revelation mean?
Oh, and two instances of missing punctuation.
6257916 Thanks for the corrections. Also, I have fortunate news: My hand isn't nearly as bad as the doctors thought it would be, so I should be writing by the end of the week.
Well, you have inserted another familiar face and gave her a pretty interesting twist and background to fit into the world you built.
I like it.
So, this brings me to your story synopsis. Move your explanation about characters to the end. Start off with the story synopsis. Many people aren't going to sit through your explanation to get to the actual meat (of the synopsis). And as for what character markers you should use, I suggest Twilight (because she's the main focus) and then the main six (since they each play a limited role but share much more screen time with any other character so far).
Linky to a good explanation of how to effectively use character tags.
6261973 That's...really, really helpful. Thanks a lot for linking me to that article, I'll be taking a hard look at what tags to include.
I love sentences like this. Idle references that flesh out the world and casually explain history the audience doesn't know.
Also, it should be Likely.
Jeez, you dropped a few major-yet-subtle, world-building bombshells on us in this chapter, haven't you?
Plus, the revelation that there was at one point knowledge of the Element Bearers. That leaves me with this question: Is this in the future when compared to our timeline?
Jeez. How are they going to get the chalice if they can hardly move?
Lovin' the backstory to the chasms.
Seriously, the footnotes make this story great.
Is anyone else thinking of Harry Dresden now?
Unrelated note, Yay! New chapter! And Luna!
Alright! This story is a third of the way complete. Congrats on reaching the milestone.
I must say, you are definitely good at adding variety to your sentences (that is something I have a lot of trouble with).
This chapter was just as exciting as the other ones, and what a reveal! Your words have so much weight to them that each chapter feels much fuller than much longer chapters I've read in other fics.
I must also note: I'm glad that a certain character's change behavior in behavior is explained. Otherwise I could easily shout "OOC!" I'm happy I shan't.
Anyway, lovin' this. Keep up the fantastic work.
This is great! Please continue! Do you have a schedule for updating this story? If so, please follow it!
6648182 Haha, I wish. Updates just kinda happen, and sometimes pretty haphazardly. I'll probably have the next chapter out by Thanksgiving, as a charitable estimate, but school keeps me busy and all, so you never know.
So Dash has been working for Luna all along? Or is this a recent development? And where did Pinkie get to?
6652663 I hate to be cliche, but...spoilers. Both of those are important developments that will be addressed in the future.
6652695
Oh I know. I didn't expect answers to either of those. I didn't even expect a reply.
she is going to call rarity out on being a hypocrite right? cause seriously that needs to be addressed and not instantly forgiven.
Damn it all. These chapters are just so condensed, so packed full of juicy goodness without any fat that every chapter is a rush of flavor and excitement. Great... now I'm hungry.
I've been reading more about efficient writing, and I've got to hand it to you, you are great at chopping away the fat and making sure every word used is important. You don't use fringe/meaningless/buffer words like "really." Every sentence is to the point and packs a punch. That is what I like about your writing.
That being said, there are two instances of missing closing quotation marks that can easily be fixed.
Looking forward to the next chapter! Stay awesome.
Gg, can't wait for more!
...No
Oh no
It's Fluttershy isn't it.
Bum-bum-bum! Another familiar face appears! Could she be from the other side? I was expecting Rarity of all ponies to be the one who sent the letter. Curious-er and Curious-er.
I was a bit hesitant at first to jump on board the Luna wagon, but now that we've seen a bit more about the secret actions of Celestia, I'm more inclined to go against my favorite princess.
However - I want to see more before I concrete my alliances.
And damn, Twilight just burned a fire mage.
...I see what you did there.
6660331
Oh snap! How did I miss that!?
Should be Attatched.
Trixie was one of the unicorns in the troupe? Looks like I need to reread everything and see what else I missed.
6695248 Nice catch on that typo. Thanks!
Well, how do you like that?
This chapter was a pleasant breather, plus it's starting to tie some loose ends together. I wonder how Trixie will contribute to the story from here on out.
Plus, will we see more of Pinkie? She was left all alone again.
6707925 Trust me, Pinkie's not even close to done. She definitely has her role to play.
Damn, sun.
Where'd you get this?Jeez-o-pete. Celestia's pissed now. How did she not know it was a fake? Perhaps she did, like suspected earlier, and is just using this as an excuse to kill Twilight. But yeah, exciting stuff!
You're putting these out at an amazing rate. It takes me a week or two at least to put out a chapter.
Ha! Took her long enough. Presumably that was Celestia speaking through the Effigy? Or was the effigy strengthened somehow? Questions, questions. I can't wait for the answers.