• Member Since 29th Oct, 2014
  • offline last seen January 23rd

Wonder


Sometimes I like to just sit down and do nothing. Alright fine, all the time.

T
Source

Once again, Vinyl is going to be late for work and in her mad dash to make it on time, she makes a teeny little mistake. Next thing you know, BAM. She has the hair of a goddess. Don't ask me how, I just write the story.

30/1/2016-Honestly did not expect this to get featured. :applejackunsure:

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 99 )

LeL Welp Vinyl is doomd

aww it ended so quickly I just gotta know what happened next

Yeah, this should keep going.

:pinkiecrazy: Run Vinyl!!! WE'RE COMING FOR YOUUUUUUUUU!!! :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

6884067
6884289
I may revisit this story for an epilogue or sequel some time in the future. Or I may just extend it when I decide to edit it for mistakes. Who knows?:trollestia:

that was pretty funny! I would love to see more! :twilightsmile:

:trollestia: oh silly vinyl how can't you notice you got Celestias' mane.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:rainbowlaugh: WAY TO GO VINYL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:rainbowlaugh:

you have some misspells? May I be your proof reader? Here are some right off the bat:

"Oh right, of course. My bad."

Octavio

couldn't see Vinyl from the living room, but she could tell by her room mates tone that she was blushing. "Umm, where is the tool box?"
"Under the sink." Octavia droned.

Octavio

heard a loud clatter from the kitchen. "Nope. Not there."
"We've lived in this house for over a year. Surely by now you should at least know where some things are." Octavia sighed loudly before walking to the kitchen. Her normally clean kitchen was now strewn with random utensils and tools that Vinyl had needlessly tossed on the floor. I swear, I am the only mare that can put up with your antics.

Your

lucky I love you, Vinyl. Octavia didn't speak as she nudged the alabaster mare out of the way. She rustled through the various items under the sink and pulled out a dull red tool box.

The boxed words are incorrect. They shouls be Octavia, and Your should be You're

…Pssssshhhhhhh!:rainbowlaugh:

"Well, whatever that means, your good at it." Vinyl opened the tool box and pulled out the first screwdriver she saw. The unicorn was about to wreak havoc on the dishwasher when she heard a familiar song come from the table, accompanied by a soft vibrating hum. "Why can't anyone call me when I'm not busy?" Vinyl moaned.

Again, you're not your

"You never check your caller ID do you?" The voice on the other end responded. "It's me, you doofus. Where are you? I've been waiting here for ages."

Missing a comma after ID. Also, just as a suggestion, not that it's wrong, I'd put an exclamation point after ages instead of a period for emphasis.

"You're kidding, right? Do I need to staple notes to your horn for you to remember thing? Ugh, fine I'll wait. But you owe me." Skyline growled. "This is the second time in a row you've been late."

Missing an s after things

"You better make it up to me. Yo, Vinyl, you there?" Skyline check his phone and saw that the call had been disconnected. "I can't believe it. She hung up on me!"

You need either an s or an ed at the end of check to show he is doing something (s for present tense) or did it already (ed for past tense)

"I know. You keep telling me. I just want everything to be perfect." Skyline close his eyes and rested his left forehoof across his eyes, blocking out all light.

Should be closes or closed

The entrance to the nightclub face the DJ's podium which towered above the dance floor like a god. On the left of the door was the bar and on the right a set of stairs leading to the second floor. The rest of the wall space was taken up by tables and chairs which were normally filled with ponies. It was a fairly simple set-up but that's what ponies liked, apparently.

face should be faces

Skyline and his brother were both behind the bar making sure they had enough stock to last the night when the door the club burst open. Neither of them looked up as Vinyl fell flap on her face. "Made it!"

Insert the word 'to' in between the words door and the. Flap should be flat.

'Uh, Vinyl? What happened to your mane?"

The apostrophy at the beginning of this sentence should be a quotation mark.

"Vinyl, please don't throw produce at my brother. That bottle cost more than your getting paid tonight." Skyline picked up the bottle the mare had thrown and placed it back onto the counter. "And you." He turned to his brother. "Stop picking on our staff or I'll let her drop an anvil on your head." Horizon rubbed his forehead and got to his hooves. He mumbled an apology to Vinyl and left to organize the fridges behind the bar.

your should be you're.

When Skyline hadn't been watching, Vinyl had retreat to one of the clubs many booths and was rocking back and forth whilst mumbling to herself.

Either have the word 'to' after had, or ad ed on the end of retreat.

"I'm not a critic or anything so I'll let you sort it out." Skyline started polished glasses with a cloth.

polished should be polishing, since the word started makes this action present tense.

"Are you stupid! A disk jockey must always look cool. If I go up there looking like a homeless mare, my career will be over!"
"Where a helmet. Isn't that what that duo from Manehatten does. What was there name again?"

Add a ? after are you stupid. You can keep the exclamation point. Where should be Wear and there should be a / instead of a period after does. And for the last sentence, there should be their.

"I said change not exchange. Just got the a salon or something. You still have a while until you need to start. Just make sure you have all the equipment ready on time."

got should be go to

Vinyl looked at her boss's mane and frowned. "Aww, it didn't worked."

Worked should just be work.

What caught every ponies eye was her mane though. Her bright and shining mane had every ponies full attention. Her multicoloured shining mane gave off an aura of power and somehow gave her music a regal sound, if that was even possible.

every ponies should be everypony's

Now adorning her head was a blue, twig infested forest of hair that looked like it attacked by a vicious horde of Timber Wolves. Celestia scanned the room with her teeth bared. It took her no time at all to see the alabaster DJ standing atop the podium with her mane.

Add 'was' between it and attacked. These are all the errors I found and I hope I helped :D

Vynal's dead now:rainbowlaugh:

:rainbowlaugh:OMG Vinyl is SO doomed.

But I wonder, what if they also switched tails as well?

Thus ended the life of best DJ.

In Vinyls Mind when Celestia burst through the door cdn.meme.am/instances/60045485.jpg
Audience and bystanders memecrunch.com/meme/ADIW/run-bitch-run/image.jpg I really enjoyed the story keep up the good work.:twilightsmile:

Vinyl.. I would suggest running, but you know, immortal alicorn that controls the sun..., so BEG!!!! BEG LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!!!:raritydespair:

...because it probably does...:pinkiecrazy:

I could totally see a sequel of this featuring vinyl being chased by Celestia all over Canterlot making front page. Hope you decide to do one!

6886383 I love gif's. and funny meme pics.

6885559
6885645
Hi Vinyl.
Thank you for pointing out all of those errors. Sometimes a I make silly mistakes like that. I wrote most of this around 4am-5am after watching three seasons of anime, so... yeah. hahaha. :rainbowlaugh:
Thanks for the offer by the way. Right now my next story might not be ready for a week or two, but if you'd like, sure.

6886845 copy it on a google doc ans send it to me over e-mail. My e-mail is fra094517@stu.aasd.k12.wi.us. and have the document setting set so i can comment and suggest :D

6886872
Or I could pm it to you. :twilightsmile:
I don't use google docs.

6886879 oh okay lol :D i can just copy and past it into th emassage, make nedded changes and message back :)

6886879 crud. tried typing too fast

Well, it certainly looks better on her.

I liked the idea, although I have to say, it feels like it stops halfway through. Sometimes it's a good thing to stop a story without resolving certain things. In this case, though, the confrontation between Celestia and Vinyl seems like it would have been the funniest part of the whole thing. Certainly more interesting than that conversation between Random Background Pony A and his brother was. That part was so uninteresting and unrelated to anything else, I actually can't remember what was said anymore already.

6887120
Aww, I thought the brothers were cool. :fluttercry:
Well if I revisit the story, I'll make it an immediate continuation.

6887338 They could be, they certainly have potential, but for a story this short they just don't have the opportunity to get fleshed out. At the same time they get enough focus that they fall into the uncomfortable middle ground of too much attention on a couple throwaway characters and not enough attention on interesting OCs.

wlam #28 · Jan 30th, 2016 · · 1 ·

6887855
I don't really agree. They're not interesting characters, not as they're shown. They're a pair of club owners talking about their work and shooting the breeze. There's nothing technically wrong with that, but it's also relentlessly mundane and frankly has no place in a story like this. It's like watching a George Carlin skit only to cut into a scene in some accountants' office. Those two things just thematically don't mesh.

6887975 Like I said. There's enough hint of backstory and personality that there's potential, but their mundane role in the story makes focusing on them for any length of time awkward and out of place. It's not something that should be done in a short story, and in a longer story they need to be fleshed out a lot more. There's no good way to work them into this story, but that doesn't mean they can't be used to prototype more developed characters in a different story. Hence, potential.

Remind me precisely why those two OCs were in the story again? Seriously, they served no purpose whatsoever. The actual joke and supposed main plotline in this story doesn't actually happen until the very end, and only for a few paragraphs. So basically, the story was entirely too short, even more so if you remove all of the wholly unnecessary scenes involving those two random OCs, Generic Pony Trying And Failing To Be Cool And Witty #4532 and Awkward Pony Who Doesn't Actually Do Anything #3987.

Now the fun begins

I'm guessing she missed her point blank magic shot and it hit Celestia thus swapping the hair right?

"I swear, one day that mare is gonna kill me. I'm not sure if it'll be metaphorical or physical death though. Maybe both."

That's true!

Celestia scanned the room with her teeth bared. It took her no time at all to see the alabaster DJ standing atop the podium with her mane.

"Gotcha." She growled.

Or not...

But I'm sure Luna approves.
The new DJ looks good, and her sister even better (at least in her opinion)


Nice story!

Too bad on the moon are no soundwaves (because no atmosphere), so Vinyl will get bored very soon.

You definitely should've had Luna in the audience....:rainbowlaugh:

6887338 it's cool, I like brothers too. :twilightsmile:
Though a continuation might in order, this so abruptly! :twilightsheepish:

Vinyl is in huge trouble for this. She might end up decorating the Royal Canterlot Statue Garden as another statue. :flutterrage:

6888198
That's kind of the problem with it right there. That scene makes up an appreciable fraction of the story - a good fifth of it or so, by my reckoning. At the same time, it really doesn't add anything to it. It's just a cutaway to an entirely unrelated situation and takes up screentime that could have been used to finish the actual joke instead, instead of cutting it off right before it reaches its punchline.

"You be-" Vinyl hanged up on him.

:trixieshiftright:

Scratch tilted her eyes up but could see her hair. Normally she could see the tips of her hair, but today she couldn't even see a single hair.

I felt like the story spent way too much time on OCs, names, appearances, relationship, etc. for a one shot where the punch line didn't even involve them.

It felt like too much padding and you could cut the story to half its current size without losing anything.

Iv'e become dull over time and rarely laugh at anything but this threw me into a fit of giggles more suited for a pony.

that was funny

Overall impressions on the story: it has potential, but could use a bit of TLC to fully reach it.

There were over a thousand words of build-up, most of which was the superfluous scene with Octavia. Only the phone call really did anything useful to set the stage for the fic's entire premise, which lasted only a few paragraphs and didn't provide much payoff; we didn't even get to see Vinyl do anything substantial or fun with her whackjob hair.

The dumb/insensitive approach to Vinyl's character didn't work very well here either, especially since it involves a romantic relationship with Octavia. That kind of relationship is realistically unsustainable, and in a sane world, Octavia would have dropped Vinyl like a rock.

That, plus a deluge of grammar and spelling errors ("it's", "every ponies", "would of", to name a few) and a generally stilted narrative tone (in a single paragraph of exposition, I counted three sentences that all started with "Skyline was"), didn't do much to help things.

I should also note that the vast majority of live musicians (including EDM producers and DJs) aren't "staff" at any particular location, but rather performers that migrate from gig to gig. Typically an establishment (like a bar, restaurant, or similar) will reach out to local performers asking them if they'd like to perform, offering them either a flat fee for the night, a cut of all drink/alcohol sales during the performance, or similar. If the establishment likes them enough, they may ask them to return (maybe once or twice a week), and some places have "house musicians" that are advertised as being a running feature of the establishment ("Vinyl Scratch LIVE every Friday night!", etc), but they're still typically referred to as a third-party contractor rather than a formal employee with a wage.

Overall, it needs a lot of work, but you have a story premise that's rich with comedic potential, and your dialogue is generally pretty solid. I'd say hire an editor to help tighten up your mistakes, brush up on your exposition a bit so it comes more naturally through actions rather than descriptions, and maybe draw out the joke so we can spend more time with the implications and consequences of Vinyl's actions, as well as see more ponies react to it.

Good luck!

6887855
That is a very good point. I never thought of it like that.
6888336
I'm just assuming Vinyl is bad at anything not relating to music so she failed at semi-advanced magic.
6889401
Yeah... a lot of people have pointed out that the brothers don't work out well in this story. This was kinda of an experiment for me. I've been reading everyone's comments and I'm using this as a learning opportunity.
6889862
To be honest, this was meant to be a story to fill time for my next story. Kinda like an anime filler. I had no idea this many people would read it. You are completely correct about me needing an editor. :twilightsmile:

I have one thing to say. It's not even particularly interesting or witty, but here it is:


lol.

6890191
You sir, have stolen my heart. :rainbowkiss:

"Hey Octy, could you finish this for me? I got a gig to go to." Vinyl gave the earth pony a kiss on the cheek before she cold reply and bolted out the door. "Thanks, love ya, bye!"

I think you meant "could".

His body was quite large and built for hard work. Horizon, unlike his brother, was always relaxed and rarely worked which everypony found ironic, but whenever he did, nothing could stop him from achieving is goal.

his

Skyline put on the girliest voice he could manage.. "Notice me senpai. Don't ignore me." Skyline and horizon both burst into laughter.

Names are written big.

"I said change not exchange. Just go to the a salon or something. You still have a while until you need to start. Just make sure you have all the equipment ready on time."

Either "the salon" or "a salon", but not both.

Everypony dropped the the floor. The beat stopped. When the dust settled everypony looked to the door and saw a seething white alicorn.

I think the first "the" should be a "to".

RUN TO THE HILLS! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE~! XD

6890806 Vinyl's gonna have 5 Minutes Alone with the princess.

But in all seriousness, she's gonna get Slaughtered.

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