• Member Since 11th Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Bachiavellian


Don't you have somewhere better to be?


E

An unexpectedly warm day ruins Bon Bon's afternoon. Luckily, a certain mint-green unicorn is there for her, no matter the weather.

Finalist Entry in the March 2015 Writeoff Event, "The Best Medicine."

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 16 )

Rainbow! *shakes fist* :flutterrage:

A little scene of our favourite couple being coupley

Fine... it was cute...

I'm Like number 12.

It’s worth an upvote just for the sleeve. :raritywink:

The additional details made it flow better. Yay for cuteness and feelings:yay:

I'm with Orbiting Kettle (5780587) on this. The original fic was sweet, but the extra details improve the flow significantly. I especially like that added reference to the Marzipan Marscipone Madness.

I have a few technical criticisms, however.


Lyra’s heart sank all the way down to her hooves as she took the sight of the melted candies.

There are a few instances such as this where you draw upon cliche' phrases -- Lyra's heart sank all the way down to her hooves -- rather than find a more original way of expressing the same feeling. It might be worth revising next time to see if you can catch and correct a few of these.

“I suppose you’re right,” she said, tsking to herself. “Why not?”

Usually when a story finishes on a question such as this, it calls back to some conflict or moral presented earlier and offers some -- or no -- conclusion. However, this doesn't feel quite connected to what comes before it. "Your entry piece got messed up, but it's good, so let's enjoy it anyway" -- I don't feel like this is tethered strongly enough to the rest of the story to have a strong impact.

Maybe tweak what comes before a little? I'm not sure.

With great, round beads of sweat dripping down the bridge of her nose

Lyra took in a big breath of the wonderfully brisk air.

Adjectives are like icing: layer them on too thickly, and you spoil the flavour of the the cake.

Keep them if they preserve rhythm and the rhythm is worth preserving.

Change them to something clearer and more vivid where you can.

Get rid of them where they aren't needed.

Do this, and you'll have much stronger prose.


But yeah, on the whole, it was as sweet and enjoyable as it was in the writeoffs!

Daw~! That's just so sweet. In more ways than one. :scootangel:

Not much to say other than that. It's a nice fluffy one-shot, and I really like it. :twilightsmile:

“There’s no denying it, Bonnie. You’re the best candy-mare.” Lyra planted a kiss on the top of Bon Bon’s head. “The very best.”
A rosy tint bloomed across Bon Bon’s cheeks. “Oh, enough of that, now,” she said. “And it’s ‘confectioner,’ sweetie.”

Bon Bon is best confectioner, for certain. Though if we're talking about best candy-mare, she has some competition. :trollestia:

Agreed that the MMMM reference ties the story together. I thought where the old one ended was good but I did appreciate the extra details that filled out the original scene.

5780587
Glad you like the new changes. Thanks!

5780701
Referencing MMMystery on the Friendship Express was something I wanted to do in the original, but I found out pretty early on that I wouldn't have enough space for it. I'm glad throwing it back in seems to have improved things.

Also, I really appreciate all the feedback. I haven't written a whole bunch yet, so I definitely want to tweak with my writing style before it sets itself in stone. Thank you for highlighting some trouble zones like that. :twilightsmile:

5781655
Personally, I wasn't entirely satisfied with the original ending, and I think the criticism it got was well-deserved. I like the idea of keeping things more open-ended, but Foxy E does point out that it's still not as good as it could be. Oh well, gotta live and learn I guess. :derpytongue2:

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Glad you enjoyed the story. Thanks for reading!

Well done. Great short story about 2 great characters. Love how you tied it into an episode. Hope it was fun to write as it was to read.
Thanks for the great story. :pinkiehappy:

5783017
Really appreciate the kind words. I'm happy you liked it. :twilightsmile:

whyyy rainbow why you do this to her??:applecry::ajsleepy::fluttercry:
oh well they had a nice time good ol lyra. wonder what happened next hmm?:trixieshiftright::trixieshiftright:
MAJOR SUGAR RUSH:yay::yay:

Very cute! I love Lyrabon so much so thank you for writing such a great story about them! It made my heart melt when Bon Bon protested eating the less-than-perfect chocolates because her hopes for them were so high.

I reviewed this story!

My review can be found here.

Gosh darn it, this story makes me hungry for chocolate! Easy fix, as I do live in the chocolate town of Gershey itself, and my parents get free candy. So... (Bites into a Reece's Peanut Butter Cup)

This is so dang cute, I can't even... Well, I suppose I can a little. I love how sweet and understanding Lyra was about Bon Bon's plight. It's so nice to a see fic where these two are being nice to each other and genuinely caring about one another.

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