Marmite Showers
“What is it?” There was a babble of excitement as all the citizens of Ponyville crowded around the new shop that had sprung up overnight. The building had been deserted for months, ever since Lemon Dreams’ eye drop shop had ended in disaster and lawsuits.
“I bet it’s a toy shop!” Scootaloo stood on her hind legs to get a better view of the grand opening. The shop had been swathed in multi-coloured curtains to hide the view of the insides. “I bet they’ll sell toy wings and then I can fly!”
“It’s gonna be an apple shop!” Apple Bloom creased her brow in annoyance. “Ah can smell apples! It’s gonna be a rival to us and we’ll be bankrupt and broke until Celestia resets the bit again!”
“What is it?” Sweetie Belle whispered to her friends, pointing at her bandaged eyes. “Will it be a cure for these lemon eye drops?”
“Fillies and gentlecolts!” There was a gasp as through the curtain pushed a black pony with a yellow mane. “Thank you, Ponyville for making me feel so welcome so far from Trottingham! My name is Marmite Showers, and this is my new store!”
At a gesture, the curtains fell away to reveal a simple wooden shop topped with a gigantic black bubbling vat on the roof.
The crowd gasped. Then it gasped again.
“What… what is it?” Berry Punch put her hoof up. “Is it sofas?”
Marmite Showers shook his head with a laugh. “No, no! It’s Ponyville’s latest store, that will bring the delicious food of Trottingham to Ponyville! Now you don’t have to eat boring hay or wheat or apples! Now you can feast on Marmite and cheese that doesn’t come out of a can!”
“What?” Scootaloo gasped. “But doesn’t all cheese come in aerosol form?”
“Not at all!” Marmite Showers held up a strange yellow block. “Yes, Ponyville, this can all be yours! Also I have biscuits and Angel Delight and jelly babies! But most importantly, Marmite!” HE pointed at the huge vat on top of the shop. “There’s enough Marmite for everyone!”
There was a distinct lack of cheers.
“I thought that vat was for tarring the road,” Noteworthy spoke up. “…I mean, isn’t it?”
“No, no.” Marmite Showers gave a jolly laugh and shook his head. “Marmite is the most delicious food known to ponydom. It was the shameful lack of Marmite in this town that brought me here. Ponyville, I give you the gift of Marmite!”
From out of the shop came several ponies each holding a tray full of delicate slices of bread, each of them smeared with a black gunk, offering it to the crowd. There were no takers.
“No, seriously. What is it?” Noteworthy looked at the toast suspiciously. “Do you put it in your mouth?”
“Okay folks!” Marmite Showers clapped his hooves together enthusiastically. “See, Marmite was an amazing discovery! You know how during the brewing process when you’re fermenting all the yeast and there’s a strange smelling black scum that accumulates at the top?”
“…Yes…” Noteworthy narrowed his eyes.
“Well,” Marmite Showers continued. “We scrape off the goo, put it in a jar and call it Marmite!” He took a piece of toast and popped it in his mouth. “Mmm, delicious.”
His display was not met with the enthusiasm that is may have mustered. “You sicken me!” Noteworthy hissed, turning to walk away. The crowd started to melt with him, various ponies making their excuses to leave.
“What is it? What is it?” Sweetie Belle reached for one of the slices of toast and tried to put it in her mouth.
“No, Sweetie Belle!” Scootaloo slapped the toast away. “It’s not safe! If only you could see, you’d know!”
“I can see!” Sweetie Belle squeaked, lifting her bandage and blinking. “But Rarity said I’ve got to wear this until the lawsuit is finished!”
As the Marmite shop was left abandoned except for three arguing fillies, Marmite Showers stood in confusion. “No, come back!” he cried. “Please, trust me! It’s delicious!”
***
“This is awful! So awful!” Twilight Sparkle paced about the inside of her magic tree castle, throwing her head back in despair. “Poor Marmite Showers has come all the way from Trottingham and put his life savings into his shop, and nopony cares!”
She looked out of the window. In the streets below, Ponyville was a bustling town, all except for the area around Marmite Showers’ shop where Marmite Showers sat outside, gently weeping to himself, the rain lashing down on top of him.
“And putting that rain cloud there was really, really mean,” Twilight continued. “Why won’t ponies give him a chance?”
“Well, you’ve not bought any of his Marmite,” Spike shook his head and sat down in a huff. “Why don’t you go and be his first customer. Then, when everyone sees you eating it – ”
“No, no, got to stop you there,” Twilight snapped. “I… I think I’m probably allergic to it. But that doesn’t mean everyone else shouldn’t be friendly and go there!”
Spike joined her at the window. “He does other things though! Like, cheese! Buy some of his cheese, Twilight!”
“Eeh…” Twilight shrugged. “It doesn’t come out of a spraycan though. That’s not natural!”
“What about some sort of town festival?” Spike turned to Twilight. “There could be a big party, and everyone could try his Marmite and there could be free drink and – ”
“Yes, free drink!” Twilight brightened up. “And I can do a slideshow on acceptance!”
***
The streets of Ponyville were festooned with bunting, large colourful streamers lining the streets all leading towards Marmite Showers’ shop.
“And so finally,” Twilight continued on her podium outside the shop, surrounded by a crowd that had been placated by free drink, “if life has taught us anything, it’s important that we have to try things before we decide we hate them! Otherwise we’ll never discover anything new. We must experience fully before we judge, otherwise it is no better than racism! And we’re not racist!”
The crowd cheered. Marmite Showers started to cry tears of joy. “Thank you, Twilight!” he wept, wiping a hoof across his smeared cheek. “Thank you for convincing everyone to give me a chance!”
“Don’t worry about it,” Twilight smiled. “I’ve been shocked at the reaction of my fellow ponies! They’ve got to give you a chance!”
“And here comes the chance!” Marmite Showers cried happily, to the now enthusiastic crowd. From out of the shops, again came several ponies with trays of toast, smeared with black goo. “I’m sure you’ll love it!”
“Thanks!” Twilight took a piece of toast and held it up, waiting for the trays to empty. “Here’s to not being biased!” She put the entire slice in her mouth and swallowed. Everyone else in the crowd followed her lead.
“Well?” Marmite Showers leaned in closely. “I know you’ll love it, Twilight! This is a new age, a new age of – ”
“BLAAAAARGH.” Twilight’s face turned green and a spray of vomit spewed out of her mouth. “What the heck was – BLAAAAAARGH!”
“BLAAAAARGH!” In the crowd, Noteworthy collapsed onto his side, vomiting so violently he span about in a circle like a downed catherine wheel.
One by one, the ponies dropped, all spewing up violently. Screamed filled the air as Ponyville tried to digest Marmite. Cloudkicker took to the air to try and escape the relentless onslaught of outpouring stomach contents, but she started to throw up mid-flight, the propulsion from her throwing up causing her to spiral into the vat of Marmite that rested on top of the shop.
The vat rocked violently and then tumbled over, spilling a deluge of black, foul-smelling goo all over the suffering townsfolk.
“No, no!” Marmite Showers cried, waving his hooves in despair as he waded through a mixture of vomit and Marmite. “It’s really nice, I promise!”
“I’m okay, I’m okay!” Twilight dry-heaved, as then more Marmite from the vat hit her in the face. “BLAAAARGH!” she screamed, falling over, coated in black Marmite and somehow retching up more.
“What is it? What is it?” Sweetie Belle looked up with her blindfolded eyes, opening her mouth in wonder. A torrent of Marmite fell straight down her throat. “BLAAAAAARGH!” Sweetie Belle screamed, vomiting it straight back up in some sort of black gungy fountain.
Ponyville fell silent, apart from the gentle crying and occasional vomiting of the citizenship, a black sludge slowly spreading out from the shop to envelope everything in its path.
“Well…” Marmite Showers shook his head sadly. “I guess you either love it or hate it.”
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..but Pa might not
Poor Marmite Showers. I actually feel for the guy.
This made me laugh so much!
Is that what you think of Amareican cuisine?
Yay!
I've waited so long for someone to write this! Now do one with Vegemite.
Don't like marmite, huh?
I don't blame them... probably racial memories of
slurmsmooze causing their horror. Or the fact that it's marmite.Anyhoo this was fun. Goopy evil fun.
One of these days I'm going to have to try Marmite.
EDIT: having just finished the story, perhaps not.
4900225 That's like us AMERICANS saying all British people equate coffee to black sludge.
BTW, I'm an American and I've never had cheese out of a can.
4900204 Dammit, you beat me to it!
Yes, if you define 'love' as 'ignore it and everyone who ever mentions it'.
I for one do not love it.
I was permanently put of marmite when I was 7. I thought it was chocolate spread it put it all over my toast
4900225 in a word...yes
BURN IT BURN IT BURN IT BURN IT BURN IT BURN IT BURN IT BURN IT BURN IT BURN IT BURN IT BURN IT BURN IT BURN IT BURN IT
Marmite is not your friend! Marmite is the dark entreaty of evil in a jar, smugly masquerading as real food!
And the worst part is? No matter how many times you try it, across how many years...it never gets any better. Never more tolerable. Never more bearable.
It is the despoiler of toast.
Lovely fun story Blueshift
4900280
>never had cheese out of a can.
Oh, you poor, poor thing...
4900514
If it isn't a slab, it ain't cheese.
4900525 what about string cheese? That stuff was a staple of my childhood.
4900280
Isn't it? If we tar our roads with marmite, don't you tar yours with coffee? Besides, coffee is banned from the shores of Britain under the dangerous foods act, due to its tendency to stop people having sexy accents by sticking their tongues to the roof of their mouths.
4900478
True, true.
but Marmite is delicious
4900808 I actually hate coffee.
4900525
True! The stuff that comes in a can is 'cheez', not cheese.
4900514 Cheese from a can is not high on my 'Foods to try' list. I don't even like american cheese singles (I only like american from the deli).
BTW, we met at BronyCon...
4901672
You have not lived until you've had Ritz crackers and Cheese Whiz. Just sayin'...
And I'm so sorry, I am horrible with names and faces, and I met so many people there...
From Top Gear's Guide to Britain:
I think you nailed it.
4901700 Ironically, CheeseWhiz is a very popular topping on cheesesteaks in my area...
I'm also terrible with names.
Twilight. You're such a dick. But yeah, I'm with Noteworthy, "YOU SICKEN ME!", is quite the reaction to hearing how its made.
Nice touch on the Cloud Kicker scene.
Showing two speakers in one paragraph for some reason despite it copy-paste saying there is a space between the two independent speakers. Looks like a format error on importing? *shrug*
Gawd, cheese outside of an aerosol can? That dude's just spreading discord EVERYWHERE!
What a sicko.
Fun story. Nice bit with Lemon Drops and you-know-who. xD
Even as a loyal Vegemiter, I had to laugh my ass off at this story.
Poor Marmite Showers.
Purely because this story has Marmite in it, it gets my automatic fav and like
"Actually not too bad," Spike remarked. "Reminds me a bit of those muffins Applejack and Pinkie made."
Vegemite is better...
Having worked in the fancy cheese department of a grocery store, I'm going to have to join the ranks of Americans offended by your presumptions about our experience with putrefied bovine lactation.
Still, poor Marmite Showers. If he had just pushed the sweets, he'd probably have had much more success. You have to know the market.
In any case, thank you for one of the best stories about brewery byproducts on the site.
10/10 would kill time in a fanfic challenge with again.
Clearly he should have been selling Vegimite!
4903243 How odd. Yeah, it was missing a double-space, which somehow merged them into one
I'll personally rain down hell upon you with the power of brenston pickles you heretic.
Ive heard of Vegemite which sounds good enough, but I have never heard of Marmite...
And the roads did run with rivers of vomitus and the foals wept to see their fathers and mothers spread before them in the throes of agony. Lo, for the same nation that puts steak sauce on pancakes did attempt to spread their tastes far and wide and the ponies of Equestria did weep for their lack of maple syrup.
EDIT: I posted this BEFORE I read the story because yuck. After reading it, very apropos.
Anything with Marmite should have the Dark tag.
Wow Fimfiction really hates marmite apparently. Guess I'm in the minority.
Anyway, this was a funny little story. Although, I must say, I have never seen someone have quite such a violent reaction to marmite - I sincerely hope you had a better one than that Blueshift.
Pony food torture: Marmite or meat.
Choose one and only one.
4900595 That is the delicious exception.
4906397 Meat.
4906397 So a griffin immigrates to Canterlot and opens a Marmite shop...
Marmite!?
God help us all....
I prefer Muenster cheese, myself. (Made from freshly-squeezed Muensters.
)
In the beginning, Marmite is described as a black pony with a yellow main.
Mane.
Apart from that, it's a cute story.
Pretty much this.
I actually like Marmite.
This was fantastic. I've had the displeasure of trying marmite and yeah...it was pretty much this