Game Over
Twilight inhaled deeply, exhaled, and repeated the process. It did very little to assuage her nerves, but at least it did something. She must've used Cadance’s breathing technique at least two hundred times since leaving Canterlot, and it was only starting to work towards calming her down.
Strewn about before her were sheets of paper by the dozens… scratch that, by the hundreds. They covered the table before her in a multiple layers of her proposition. Spilling over onto the floor, were even more, some regarding the parts about tribalism, others about the homes for orphans project, and the rest about how those two linked together.
In total, it didn’t even make up half of her original proposal.
Some of the papers were still in Princess Celestia’s throne room. The rest… who knew? They’d been flung out the window and into the bustling streets of Canterlot. Twilight had only given it a few minutes of searching before the crippling logic of her reality set in; she was going to have to restart her proposal from nearly the beginning.
At first, she’d been despondent. The flight back to her castle was gloomy to the point where she’d almost considered scrapping the idea altogether. After all, it had taken her months just to refine it to what it was. Even if she did have parts of it, there would still be the arduous process of reconstructing the lost papers.
She’d entered her home completely ready to forget the proposal altogether when something struck her. She still remembered it. Thousands of details about the proposal was still drilled into her head. It wasn’t flawless, but her mental manuscript would be enough for her to rebuild everything by the end of the week. Possibly sooner.
Elated with her discovery, Twilight proceeded to lock herself in her study, and pour over the papers. Once she was certain it would be possible, she dabbed her quill lightly into her inkwell, and grabbed a fresh sheet of parchment. All she needed now was some peace and quiet to think.
It was at that moment that every single window in her castle shattered. A penetrating shriek took hold of Twilight, bombarding and eventually crushing her eardrums to the point where she almost blacked out.
“TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Luna inhaled deeply, exhaled, and repeated the process. It did next to nothing to sooth her blatant, throbbing rage. A mere second after her sister’s teleportation was all it took to realize that Celestia had been lying. Upon comprehending, Luna’s vision went scarlett with fury and she’d shouted while using the Royal Canterlot Voice.
Now, every muscle in her body was stiff with anger as she marched through the halls of the castle, past shattered window panes and guards with bleeding ears. Behind her, wrapped in a azure aura of magic, was the “throne” that her sister had attempted to give her. Luna had promptly ripped it from its spot with the intention of bashing it over her sister’s head. Of course, she knew that was far too lenient of a punishment for lying to her about not only the throne, but the state of their finances as well.
Honestly, the Princesses of Equestria are bankrupt? How could she keep this from me? And then lie about it right after telling me? And then lie again about my throne?
It was an injustice of the highest order. Luna had never felt so insulted in her life, including the time just after her return when Prince Blueblood thought she was his new maid. However, while the spoiled prince had only gotten himself a free skydiving lesson (parachute not included), Luna had already decided that her sister deserved something much worse.
Perhaps you’re being just a bit unfair to her. After all, she is your sister, a tiny voice in the back of her mind said.
Her eyes glinted back to the toilet she held in her magical grasp as she recalled the fact that her sister had thrown them into destitution in order to pig out on nine hundred tons of cake.
The tiny voice spoke again. Nevermind, I was wrong. Let the traitor suffer!
The callouses on her hooves split as her pace quickened, but Luna couldn’t feel it over her immense fury. She finally came across a guard whose ears were not bleeding, and stopped.
“YOU THERE!” she said in the Royal Canterlot Voice. He flinched.
“Not so loud!” the guard begged. “Please, my ears are still ringing!”
Feeling a sliver of sympathy, she lowered her voice a tad, but her seething rage was still palpable. “Didst thou see our sister recently?”
“Not since this morning. Why, did you…” he trailed off as Luna brushed past him, back to searching. “Hey, is that a toilet?”
Luna continued storming through the castle. She came across very little, aside from some bits of shattered window and a few more recently-deafened guards. It didn’t deter her however, as she made sure no room in the castle was left unturned during her hunt. The last place she came across was the throne room.
So this is where you’re hiding, Tia. Luna grinned, ready to exact her long awaited vengeance of thirteen whole minutes.
Kicking them open for the second time that day, she yelled out, “TIA!”
An empty room echoed her voice. Luna squinted, and trotted in. “Tia? Come on out and take what’s coming to you!” She raised the toilet above her head. Luna didn’t really have much of a plan for it, but it would be nice to break it over her sister’s head if she had the chance.
She didn’t get the chance.
Luna sighed, setting the toilet on the ground and inspecting the throne room closer. After completing a full sweep of the room, she could safely say that her sister was not here. In fact, the only thing that was here was her golden throne. It stood in the center of the room as it always had, but now it served only add to Luna’s rage.
“I bet you were expensive,” Luna said to the throne, her eyes narrowing. “My sister did not seem to have any problem raising the funds to construct you.”
The throne offered no response.
“This is ridiculous,” Luna turned, now speaking to herself. “Where could she be?” Her blistered hoof tapped against the marble floor as she pondered.
She wouldn’t be anywhere nearby, Luna reasoned. Tia would’ve gotten far away. Maybe to the Griffon Kingdoms, or Saddle Arabia. No… not that far. She’d go to somepony she could trust ... Twilight, perhaps.
She decided that Ponyville would be where she’d look next.
“I’m going to find you, Tia,” Luna declared loudly, hearing a squeak of pain from some guards outside the throne room. “No matter where you hide!” Her horn ignited, and with a flash both she and the toilet were gone.
Celestia inhaled deeply, exhaled, and repeated the process. It did absolutely nothing to quell the heart-pulsating fear that plagued her. She wedged her shoulders closer to her body, not that it was needed. The cramped space she’d taken to hiding in was already compressing her body enough. It was made worse by her lack of light, but she tolerated it. She even tolerated the broom handle that was currently jabbed into her back. It was a little more than uncomfortable but she didn't have much else to complain about. Even if this experience gave her claustrophobia, it would be worth it to avoid Luna’s wrath.
Mere moments ago she’d heard Luna screaming in the Royal Canterlot Voice. That wasn’t a promising sign. Luna only did that when she was irreparably furious. In fact, the last time she was this angry… actually, Celestia couldn’t remember the last time Luna had been this angry. Even when she turned into Nightmare Moon she hadn’t been this furious.
Perhaps I should have selected a better hiding spot, she thought to herself. Luna may figure out where I am at any mo–
Light suddenly shot into Celestia’s tiny nook. Before she could stop herself, she let out a very unregal whimper, fearing her sister had found her and was ready to enact her vengeance. Preemptively, she winced, bringing her hooves up to cover her face as she did so. She half expected to be beat over the head with a toilet, despite how ridiculous that would be even for Luna.
“Princess Celestia?”
Lowering her hooves, Celestia sighed with relief to find that it was merely her former student who had discovered her, not her enraged sister. “Hello, Twilight.”
“Um… why are you here? In my closet?”
"...Why are you here?"
"I'm looking for a broom; there's a lot of broken glass to sweep up right now." Her head lowered in exasperation. "A whole lot."
Celestia nodded, figuring Luna's scream would've broken a number of windows. "Allow me to apologize on behalf of my sister."
"That scream was from Luna? How... why..."
Celestia's eyes darted to the left. "It's a long story..."
Twilight's eyes narrowed. "Are you going to tell me it?"
"Preferably not."
Sighing, Twilight put her hoof to her forehead. "Can you at least give me my broom?"
Her horn sparking to life, Celestia shifted as much as she could and yanked it out from behind her. The filthy ends of the straw brushed over the side of her face, and she cringed. "Take it."
Twilight's own magic accepted the broom. "Thanks. So... Should I just..." She made a motion to indicate shutting the door.
Celestia nodded. "Please." The door swung shut. "Oh, wait. One more thing. If Luna comes by looking for me, than I am not here."
Twilight's eyebrows furrowed. "Okay..." The door inched shut until the last sliver of light was gone.
She was alone in the darkness once more. Form a moment, she did nothing but focus on their own breathing. Then Celestia’s stomach suddenly rumbled. “Oh, and Twilight, could you bring me a slice of cake?” No response. “All right then…”
"That was... unusual," Twilight muttered as she walked away from her closet. She turned her focus to the pile of glass shards before her. Sighing, she walked over and dragged the broom across the floor.
Luckily for her, sweeping required so little brain power, that she was able to recompose herself. Today was by far, one of the most bizarre she’d had in a long time. Between Celestia in her closet, and her proposal becoming more scrambled than eggs, she felt like going to bed already. Too bad it was only noon.
Okay, once I finish getting rid of all this glass, I’ll get right back to rewriting the draft. Hopefully I haven’t forgotten too much…
As she swept the pieces into one large pile, she went over the plan in her mind. There was still a faint ringing in her ears from Princess Luna’s scream, but she managed to ignore it. The intricate details of her thirty-nine point plan to eliminate tribalism were keeping her more than occupied.
Okay, so I still remember most of section forty-five, sub-section one hundred eighty-one, but I still can’t quite remember sub-section one hundred eighty-two, and that’s where I placed the majority of the connections between–
A low rumbling sound cut her into her train of thought. Twilight’s head whipped to the origin of the disruption. The closed closet door that currently housed Celestia stared back at her. Twilight sighed.
“Anything else want to interrupt me?” she asked to nopony in particular.
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” The unmistakable sound of Princess Luna bombarded her eardrums.
Twilight jolted from the force of the unexpected scream. It wasn’t nearly as powerful as the previous one, but it still caught her off guard.
“I was just joking!” she cried.
Celestia’s head whipped out of the closet. “Did you hear that?”
Twilight rubbed her ears. “Kind of hard not to.”
“Just remember: I am not here!”
“Yes, but–” Celestia slammed the door, cutting Twilight off. She sighed, and walked over to the nearest opening. Poking her head out of the former-window, she saw the Princess Luna angrily standing outside. Levitating next to Luna her was what appeared to be a toilet. Twilight narrowed her eyes when she saw it, fearing that this day was about to get even weirder.
“Twilight, tell my sister to surrender herself at once!” Luna was taking mercy on her and only shouting, not using the Royal Canterlot Voice.
“Uh… wait one second.” Twilight moved her head back inside and turned to her door. She faced the closet. “Princess… I think she knows you’re here.”
She heard a soft whimper come from inside. “Just tell her I’m not.”
“I don’t think–”
“Just do it, Twilight! My life is on the line!”
Twilight rolled her eyes. As she turned to face the window and relay the information to Luna, a bright flash of light interrupted her. She back up as Princess Luna teleported in front of her.
“Where is my sister?”
Twilight blinked. “I… uh… she’s not here right now.”
Luna’s eyelids lowered. “Hmmph. Well, in that case, you won’t mind if I take a look around and–” A low rumbling sound interrupted her. Her head whipped around until she pinpointed the origin of the noise. The closet.
Twilight sheepishly grinned. Perhaps I should have gotten her that cake…
“So, she’s not here, huh?” Luna raised her eyebrow disappointedly at Twilight. “Right.” She faced the door. “Tia, get out of there.”
"..."
Luna huffed in annoyance. "Hold this," she commanded Twilight, tossing the toilet in her direction. Twilight let out a yelp, but used her magic to catch it before the porcelain struck her in the face.
"What are you going to do?" She asked, setting the toilet off to the side.
"I'm going to force my sister to come out of the closet," Luna said, her horn igniting. "And then I'll probably beat her."
"That seems a little excessive." Twilight's words fell on deaf ears as Luna approached the door. She hunched over and prepared to blast open the doorway, but Twilight jumped in front of her. "Wait!"
Luna groaned, but dimmed her magic. "What?"
"This is ridiculous! Princess Celestia is your sister! Shouldn't you at least talk this out?" She glanced from the closet to Luna. "Whatever this is."
"She had her chance to talk, but instead she chose to lie to me." Luna glared daggers at the closet. "And bankrupt the kingdom!"
Twilight whipped her head towards the door. "Is that true?"
"We're not bankrupt!" Celestia meekly replied. "We just break even every year."
"Semantics!" Luna cried, outraged. "The bottom line is you lied to me! Not to mention now I may never get my own throne!"
"You want a throne?" Twilight asked. "That seems like a trivial thing to start a fight about."
"You're one to talk, Ms. I Have Seven Thrones."
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Princess, this is ridiculous.”
“I agree, I shouldn’t have to put up with such a terrible sister!” Luna glowered at the closet.
“You’re the one trying to hit me!” Celestia cried from inside.
“Both of you are acting like foals!” Twilight shouted. Her outburst caused Luna to take a step back. Celestia might have done the same, but there was no way for Twilight to tell. She pointed to Luna. “Can you act civil for the next five minutes?”
“...Maybe.”
“I’ll take it.” She turned to the closet. “Princess, get out here.”
“I don’t trust this.”
Luna groaned, charged up her horn, and fired a beam of magic at the thin, wooden door that separated Celestia from the rest of the world. It blew apart into thousands of splintery pieces, leaving Celestia exposed. Her face probably would’ve paled if it was possible, and she shrunk as far back into the tiny room as she could.
Twilight turned to Luna. “I said act civil!”
“And I said maybe.” Luna replied, her voice still laced with numb rage. “Besides, a thousand years ago, that would have been civil.”
“All right, fine. Whatever!” Twilight looked between Celestia and Luna. “Look, I don’t have all day to mediate this. I have to get back to fixing my wrecked proposal.”
“You mean that thing about the orphans?”
“Yes… partially… look, can we just resolve this quickly?”
Celestia creeped out of the closet slightly, attaining a little confidence due to the fact that her sister had yet to beat her to a pulp. “What did you have in mind, Twilight?”
Looking from one to the other, Twilight put on a thinking face. “So… you lied to Princess Luna about getting her a throne, and bankrupted the kingdom, right?”
Celestia’s head sunk. “Yes.”
“Well, I think you should make it up to Princess Luna somehow then.”
Luna scoffed. “She’d have to do an awful lot to make it up to me.”
“L-like what?” Celestia hesitantly asked.
Luna thought for a moment, and then grinned wildly.
"...So, in order to effectively move forward with this new plan, we have to raise taxes slightly in order to accommodate the costs. The benefits will hopefully make up for this though, don’t you agree, Luna?” Celestia looked from her advisor Inkwell to her sister.
Luna took a sip of her tea and nodded. “Yes, absolutely.”
“Very good. Inkwell, any questions?”
The stout stallion bit his lip. “Just one… why exactly are you conducting royal affairs from a toilet?”
Celestia sighed. Below, her body slid under the slick porcelain and she struggled to stay upright in her seat. Her lanky legs did her no favors as she struggled to find a comfortable position on the toilet. No matter what she tried she always ended up with her four limbs protruding in an awkward, unregal manner. It was uncomfortable to say the least, and the cold, hard porcelain wasn’t doing her any favors. She glanced up at her sister, who seemed to be doing just fine on her old throne, if not a little smug.
“It’s a long story, Inkwell,” Celestia finally responded. Luna giggled.
“...Very well then.” Inkwell bowed and exited the throne room. Celestia moved around again, still uncomfortable.
“How long will it take for the taxes to raise enough money for your throne?” she asked.
Luna glanced down at the files in front of her. “According to the estimates… about fifty years. Thanks for lending me yours in the mean time, Tia.”
Celestia groaned, much to Luna’s delight. “You’re welcome… I guess.” It’s not like I had much of a choice in the matter.
“On the bright side, now you don’t have to get up when you go to the bathroom.”
“...Not helping Lulu.”
Luna laughed again, and reclined further into her cushioned throne, sipping her tea. “I know.”
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lol wow, I didn't see that coming.
Aww no throne made of thrones
I forgot about this!
Really love the idea that Celestia, who can plan her sister's redemption a thousand years in advance, really sucks at her short game.
dayum I would have paid money for someone to draw Luna slamming a toilet over celestia's head
Nice to see that 5278259 was heeded.
Happy ending, my ass!
THE FREAKIN ORPHANS MAN, THATS NOT A HAPPY ENDING!
Though aside from that (going to pretend she was able to reconstruct the document and fix things a year or two later). Then yes, it was a happy ending in the end I suppose....ish. (oh right, higher taxes because Celestia is a cake whore)
Hnnnnng.
*I enjoyed the story, it's not bad. I just feel bad for Twilight, orphans, and the citizens of Equestria
Happy ending? Not for Scootaloo.
ITS NOT ENOUGH!!!
CELESTIA NEEDS TO SUFFER MORE!!!
1000 YEARS WITHOUT ANY KIND OF DESSERT, INCLUDING CAKES!!!
5593441 Honestly Twilight, you chose the wrong time not to file in triplicate!
Also; Luna and Celestia should raid the Everfree Castle. Their old thrones might still be kicking. The tapestries survived the thousand years, after all.
5593619
True that! Unless Celestia sold the old thrones for more cake.
Can I ask for another chapter?
Is it me or... is celestie sitting on a toilet going to be a new sexual fetish... If it isnt already is... That quite disgusting if i think about it o.O
5593441 Yeah, all those ponies kinda got screwed over. But it's okay 'cause best princess has a throne now!
That does make it okay... right?
Besides, Twilight will be able to fix her proposal and seeing as it is her, the whole thing will likely be better than before.
5593571 Oh most definitely, but it doesn't change the fact that there are literally hundreds, and they got scattered. Even with numbered pages it will take a while to put it all back the way it was.
5593906 Please don't...
5593619 I gave that idea some thought, but couldn't find a good angle on it.
5594723
I wasn't planning on it. Honestly, I thought it was good with just the first chapter. The "sequel" was also better than I thought it was going to be. Good job, Fire Gazer
5594789 Thanks.
5593568
Oh geez...
Celestia should have really invested in an army of Accountants. Seriously, even though they have the most boring job imaginable, give them the promise of knighthood, and never having to pay taxes ever again if they get the nation in the green and help pay off her insane debt in the next five years. And problem solved.
I'm sure Celestia's "cake budget", and "slush" funds can be cut. That's already a few hundred thousand bits a month cut for Celestia's sweet tooth. Promise Twilight an ungodly amount of research money / garuanteed Princess Grants on her research, probably with a staff of academics, writers (for her dicatations), and sciencey mages. If she helps, and with her "attention to detail *cough*, would speed up the process even faster. Heck I'm sure they'd be making money in a week.
Alas, Celestia overlooked the obvious, for the promise of more cakes and sweets. At least Princess Luna has a throne for fifty years ... even if Scoots is cheated out of a foalhood as well as every other orphan in Equestria. Hopefully Luna would be smart enough to work the nation to the green.
And this story tells, ultimately, how Twilight learned the importance of off-site backups.
Tiny typos:
its
Too
Cheer up Tia, It's at least known as the Porcelain Throne!
5598020
This chapter was hilarious! I loved the ending! MORE PLEASE!!!
Hahahaha, that was so fun!
I know it's a comedy, but still; why is luna such a bitch? It ruined the whole story for me.
5641706
Weird, most comments have been implying (if not outright stating) that Celestia is a bitch in this story.
Anyway, Luna's been home for a while now, and has not gotten her own throne, despite Celestia having one, Cadance having one, and the newly crowned Twilight (along with her friends) each getting one, followed by a few other reasons stated in the story. When she asks Celestia for one, Celestia denies her, before revealing that she bankrupt the kingdom, followed by pretending it was all a prank. Then Celestia goes on to build up a big throne reveal, only for it to be a toilet. That's more or less why Luna gets so enraged. Personally after all that I think anyone would have the right to be bitchy, but opinions are opinions.
5641668
Well, when you're an earth pony and all you have is a lame power almost as bad as Matie's from Captain Planet, yeah, I suppose you'd have more reason to hate Unicorns and Pegasi than white or Islamic anti-semities whining about those, 'Rotten JEWS' do.
And thus,Twilight devoted the next seven years to developing a form of photo copying Magic.
Tia gets a toilet for 50 years. Priceless, absolutely priceless. I'm thinking a story where Discord demands his own throne in Ponyville would be a good one. After all, had he never betrayed them and joined Tirek, he never would have received that medallion, therefore he could have never given it to Twilight to act as her key. In other words, DISCORD NEEDS A THRONE!
Love this stroy and how you made Luna come off as a bitch, I hate Luna.
Rather entertaining.
Well done.
~Skeeter The Lurker
In a word this story was Brilliant.
Ironically, Kings of the medieval era did, in fact, have toilets built into their thrones so they didn't have to bother getting up if they had to go during a court session.
5723135 FEGGIT! Luna is in the right. I doubt she spent 4 billion bits on 900 tonnes of cake unlike celesta the fat ass.
5849333
5902277 Hey- it's true. I can't seem to find the original source, but believe it or not, how else do you think medieval Kings had court sessions that took all day? They were only human, they had to go sometime, and it would look extremely rude to get up and leave the room in the middle of a petition!
5902499
I don't doubt it, I'm just surprised that you brought it up...most people don't know these kinds of things. They aren't stupid though...just unaware of this fact.
The sequel should be something about Shining Armor wanting his own throne!
I kind of hoped that the conflict would be resolved by Celestia telling Luna that she was so upset after sending Luna to the Moon that she had to eat a large amount of cake. Everyone's happy, everyone's crying, happy ending. But this is a comedy so... This ending is good too :D
More easy... let twilight take care of the economy and she is going to find how to increase the money...
You can has review!
6120988
Damn straight. I may dislike her, but Twilight will get anything done that Celestia asks of her. ANYTHING. Which is why TwiLestia is the most likely of all the ships.
I have reviewed this HERE.
This is actually a good continuation, as its a natural and logical step for the story and ends properly.
And Starlight Glimmer shouts, "All ponies should have thrones!"
Sorta.
6120988
I was half expecting to learn she already did that and paid for a throne out of pocket.
inkwell is a mare