• Member Since 17th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Jade Ring


I write stories about epic adventures, tender romance, monstrous horrors, boring married couples, weird comedy, unending drama, and passionate boning of both the human and equine varieties.


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Source

Since time immemorial, the Grand Council of Immortals has watched over all aspects of Equestrian life. They determine the destinies of all things on the mortal plane, both great and small. They convene once every one hundred years, and the Immortal who plays host to the gathering is permitted one request.

This century, it is Princess Celestia who will host the meeting... and who will ask for an unprecedented gift be granted to the newest alicorn princess.

Inspired by the Rankin/Bass adaptation of the Life and Adventures of Santa Claus.

Excellent live reading by Goombasa.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 180 )

So much worldbuilding in only a few thousand words. An interesting perspective on immortality, as well.
Excellently done.

This kind of reminds me of the Elder Scrolls series, where the immortal Aedra would use to convene in a place called Adamantine Tower before one of them tricked the others into creating the mortal world.

I hope this continues. Some solid world building with the possibility of the story going in any direction!

I'll keep reading :pinkiecrazy: Also, um, is it finished? Some authors forget to place the complete tag and it can confuse people. I'm just asking because of that ending there...

5304773 Whoops. Knew I forgot something.

Very interesting worldbuilding. But I'm a bit confused about the Mantle only being bestowed once. Is there only supposed to be one worthy mortal, out of all of eternity?

5304888 Yeah. This goes back to the Rankin/Bass special. The Immortals can only give the Mantle to one mortal and they ultimately are convinced by the Great Ak to bestow it on Santa Claus so he can continue bringing joy to the world for all eternity,

Ahh, ok. Guess you can tell I never saw it. Thanks.

It's not often I read something like this before seeing whatever it was based on.
Jeez, I was actually nervous for a bit.
:pinkiesmile:

I don't really read something like this, but it was well executed. Loved the idea, love the banter, love the Immortals. I didn't want it to end!

Well that made it sound like death had an avatar too, so why wasn't he/she at the council of immortals? Unless its because death is their opposite.

you forgot one
The Doctor
AKA
TIme Turner buts still a good story

5309036 Death is the greatest foe of the Immortals. If I ever did do a sequel to this, it would be about Death having an issue with what the Immortals did.

I guess I'm biased by other "Council of Immortals"-type fics I've read on this side, but I was genuinely surprised that they're all ponies. What about the gryphons, or the minotaurs, or, I dunno, the breezies or whoever? Why are the ponies hogging all the forever here? Other than, y'know, the Doylist reason that this is fanfiction of a show about the ponies.

5310150 (Shrug) I've always seen Equestria's non-ponies as immigrants. Who's to say griffons don't have a ruling class of gods or Immortals in their homeland? The Breezies are from another world, and so far as we know there's only one minotaur.

I liked how you gave all those immortals personalities and such. Definitely a good read. :)

I really enjoyed this. My only problem is that there should be some space or a sort of break before the last two paragraphs.

Thanks for writing this. That's some good worldbuilding right there. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

It'd be nice to put some kind of divider between the main story and the last three lines. It confused me for a second.

EDIT: All in all, a fantastic story. I saw one typo, though:

Celestia shook her head. “I have only see this disease once before…

I believe that present-tense 'see' ought to be in its past-tense form, 'seen'.

You stole my idea.

*Hoofs up.* :twilightsmile:

5310821 Thanks kindly for pointing that out.

Also added that break at the end.

You let me down, man. I was expecting Twilight to boast about feeling like she could wrestle an Ursa Major at one point.

Good story all around.

This is... adequate.
The world building done for such a short one shot was impressive, and it's great to see solid personalities on the important characters you introduced, but on the other hand, everything also felt short and rushed. I would have liked to see more interplay between the characters before they all just up and agreed; Even the ones who strongly objected switched sides surprisingly quickly.
More could also have been done with the ending, such as a small scene with Twilight at her brother's grave.
And like someone else asked, why were no other races present? Even if they are foreigners, Immortality doesn't seem like something that would be bound by mere borders based on politics. Breezies, changelings, and even the minotaur are excuseable, but the Griffons and the Buffalo have both been shown to have close borders and regular exchanges with Pony-kind. It wouldn't be unreasonable to include them.

Overall, there's a strong core here, with solid world building and good characters, but the story itself seems weak and unfinished.
...like a steak you get so caught up in seasoning that you undercook it.
Practice makes perfect though. Keep up the good work.

This is a powerful story. I have this really heavy feeling in my stomach after reading... it is rare for a story to affect me such as I am now. Wow... I give this two thumbs up and a cheers from a purple drunkard :raritywink:
i.imgur.com/iJrv8pT.png

This is a great fic, both because I love that angle on immortals and because, well, you've created the best and most interesting variation on the "gods" of Equestria that I have ever seen. I love the idea of a council of different immortals much more than the idea that there just used to exist a whole race of alicorns.

A few things though. First, why are they all pony-like except for Discord, when there are so many races? Seems a bit odd. I know that they are not all really ponies, but they are close. I also know that they represent elemental forces more than they represent races, but it just strikes me as odd that what seems like a pantheon for Equestria have no-one that even vaguely resembles griffons or minotaurs or dragons. In other words, why do they all have a variation on the pony body type? Zemlya for example seemed a natural choice for minotaur body type, particularly because you actually say that he handles that great hammer of his.

Second and third, nitpicks:
", I believed that the decision to release him lied with us and us alone.” Pretty sure it should be "lay", as "lay" is the past tense of "lie", the static form of that verb. "I lie on the bed, so when I look back I can say that I lay on the bed," in contrast to "I lay the book on the table, so I can look back and say that I laid the book on the table." That is my understanding anyway.

" His doubled over as his laughter continued to grow." Should be "He" not "His".

Great work. Have a like and a fave. Happy writing.

Very Masonish story (shalom :trollestia:). Good headcanon, but its only local Wrold Tree who decide who to become immortal.

I haven't read the story yet, but this is what I get from the description: Nothing has free will, and the inhabitants of that universe live their lives to the whims of immortal beings.

Damn it. You made me cry.

You monster.

Twilight's illness felt a bit abrupt. Could have alluded to it having been going on for a few days.

Other than that, this was excellent.

5304935 I was thinking that this sounded familiar

That last line is such a perfect ending, it leaves you to craft your own story, or if you continue it, you could do so quite easily.

-Mis

That gave me shivers... beautifully done and masterfully crafted! Bravo!

5311112 Hey, I didn't want this to be a full rip-off, y'know.


5311159 Excellent critiques, and thank ya for them. I've actually been tinkering on this bad boy for two years, and I figured that this was the best it was going to get.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I FORGOT THE BUFFALO.


5311225 Thanks for pointing those errors out.

As to Zemlya, yes he would be a great minotaur... but I just love the idea that he's essentially a combination of a golem and the Rockbiter. I figured the 'handling of the hammer' could be accomplished by cradling it in his forelegs.

5311345 Of course. As was established in the very first episode, the ponies fear anything that is not controlled and regulated (the Everfree Forest.) That's because the Immortals control and take care of everything.

5311492 Cadance says that Twilight's been sick.

5311876 You people need to stop giving me ideas for sequels!

Cadance is a ....
....
TIME LORD!
:trollestia:

This reminds me of an old christmas special I once saw. It told the origin story of Santa Claus, and as he lay dying after many years, the spirits of the other holidays decided to give him the wreath of immortality, again an immortality-granting item that can only be used once.

Very well-written story, by the way.

5311993

Inspired by the Rankin/Bass adaptation of the Life and Adventures of Santa Claus.

I love it!

:heart:

Totally Awesome Epic Win

:heart:

5311908 You writer need to stop not giving us sequels. (Screw the rules, I have joke!) Something longer so you can really give us a nice full course with all the trappings and cool world building without skimping on the meat n' bones.
And I can, in fact, believe you forgot the buffalo. :trollestia:

5311864
Whoops. Just felt it was a bit sudden, the whole "She's got hours left." Sorry.

Also, obligatory "sequel?", because this is some quality worldbuilding and I very much wouldn't mind another oneshot or two exploring it.

Seems like they should have gifted Immortality to the Mane Six rather than just Twilight. Master of Magic or not, all of Twilight's major victories came from the "Magic of Friendship" or "Harmony", of which she is only one part (though admittedly the unquestionable leader). Twilight without her friends is a very different animal than the Mane Six united (even her power plus the power of three other Alicorns, or immortals as they are in this story, did not match the power of Harmony). It's not as if the others don't deserve or couldn't have a place in the council either. Kindness, Loyalty, Laughter, Honesty, and Generosity all seem like more meaningful "Elemental forces of the world" than Symphonia, the Child Empress of Music (or whatever force the Siren was meant to represent besides her race. The sea maybe? She didn't have much water imagry associated with her, if anything she seemed to overlap with the Music filly).

Well, that was lovely. I laughed, I cried, I will give this story an upward facing thumb and a gold star.

Lastly I will leave you with this thought... well it was a thought I had... Pinkie could have been one of the immortals... Then I realized how truly devastated Pinkie would be to watch her friends age and die. So I decided that you did the right thing.

I'll see you at the next chapter.

This was some pretty fantastic world-building, and it really demonstrates just how wide your story-telling talents are. This is so different than your Dear Sweetie Belle series of stories, yet it's just as excellent, if not more so.

I'd love to read more about these Immortals. Is that a possibility? :scootangel:

It could be worse you could have people like me who give you the idea of a war between the Immortals that splits them up but luckly you dont have people like that

5311908

death gives his scythe to a mortal. or a mortal somehow gets it. maybe a griffon or a minotaur, cause you forgot about those. or somehow the mortals raise their own god. there are soo many posibilities, sooo much potential!

also, great story. would have like if there were more non-pony inmortals. you know, spice things up.

5304831 So it's not complete? WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! :pinkiegasp:

Fantastic world building for a oneshot. :twilightsmile:

Although...it did feel a little too rushed. A little paragraph or two on Twilight at the end would've been quite nice, as would have a little more interplay between the various Immortals.

All in all? Great oneshot, it was just...missing a few things.

(Please continue this.... :yay: . I-if you want to, of course...)

:raritywink:

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