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Alex has two loves; Assassin's Creed and MLP: Friendship is Magic. After losing his family six years ago, all of his hard training has finally paid off. Prepared to make every world a better place, he makes a new promise to his sister and follows his sense of adventure, which leads to new horizons.
Meanwhile, on a distant world named Equestria, a lonely, little, baby dragon makes a wish during a meteor shower. It looks like he's about to make a new friend.
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This is literally a copypaste description of every crappy Human in Equestria story. Some douche named Alex with a 2edgy4me tragic backstory goes to Equestria to "make friends".
God forbid that you try to be original.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/500x/44456020.jpg
That is all.
Good story I like it.
4596338
seanhamptoncole.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/capture.jpg
YFW reading.
4596338 thankyou very much, i will try to be really original i cant say it will be a 100% because some clishes stories has to happen, and dont worry i could not care less for COMMANDER and WINTER STORM comments, COMMANDER doesnt have the balls to make a FIC, and WINTER STORM has one only one and is cancelled, what happened WINTER STORM? your balls drop off?, anyway thank you very much, ILL TRY MY BEST
4596360 One, you may want to learn how to reply to multiple users.
Second, I cancelled my story because I was not happy with the quality and could recognize that it needed work. I could also accept and act upon criticism, something you seem incapable of doing.
4596360 I am in the progress of starting 2 stories hopefully soon 1 LoHaV and is crossover I like it when story do something that is new and this is new to me so I like it and hope to see some more of it soon!
Wat is going on here
ok, i have to admit, maybe Alex was not the most incredible orginal name after all, but i liked, many good names were already taken, and i have to say, im not trying to make this FIC just an I GONNA MAKE FRIENDS AND THATS IT. i will try my best i know im not a great author but trustme i have many original plans for this. i hope
The short des says it's not an Assassin's Creed cross.
Only it is....
4596383
It isn't the name as much as the personality.
4596371 i do, and believe it or not i really apreciate your comment, and i started to read your story but when i saw the cancelled status i stoped, but in the first chapter i knew it was good, far better than mine, anyway sorry for my comment. i hope when i made more chapters u can give my story another chance, i will really try to improve promise, and will really try to not use many clishes, but as you know some times its inevitable.
4596390 true, when i said its not a cross, i meant its not like you will see altair, edzio, connor or any assasin appear here, its just a man who trained hard to became as good as them in real life.
4596402 Thing is, there are literally a million different ways to write this. It's simple. Don't call him Alex, and don't make him a teen with a tragic backstory and dead parents.
Make it (for example )Lawrence (Larry), a 20 year old college student who works part-time with his dad, who is an electrician. He comes from a happy family and has a close relationship with his dad.
Now, his arrival in Equestria isn't as happy as it was before, because now he has lost his connection to his family and will be wanting to get back to them. He'll have the dilemma of figuring out where he is truly happy.
4596412
Characters are regardless. If it has heavy elements taken from a series, it is considered a crossover, and requires to be tagged as such.
4596418 nice idea, ill think about it really, maybe not for this story, but when i end this, i ll be better and i know i will be able to do a better story than this,
4596432
4596440 Just want to point out that this is the internet, where everything is permanent. Comments are always screencapped, stories saved offsite. Once you post it here, it's never going to go away.
4596432
Yep, you deserve a medal.
4596390 mmmm, ok let me think it for the night ok, ill see if i add the CROSSOVER tag ok.
4596471
Look mate, it's not a matter of whether you think it's a crossover or not, it's a matter of rules. This borrows heavily from elements of a game series; not cameos or references, direct usage. That classifies it as a crossover by site rules. By writing rules in general.
4596482 ok, ok i did, shesh, u are right, but the fimfiction team didnt say anything but ok, i already add it, but i still has my doubts.
This story is far from bad, considering the fact that you have no editor. I like it. Keep up the good work.
4596506 thanks dude, ill try my best, one question, is there a way to ban a person like that COMMANDER, i dont care what people says about me, but i will not stand when they insult people that like my work.
4596520 That "no balls" thing is pretty immature, and what if the person you're insulting is female?
And if you want to ban someone, just become a site moderator or admin.
i.imgur.com/mocg2KK.png
See what I mean? PERMANENT.
4596529 ok, sorry, its just i really hate that kind of guys thats all, but so true, once more, sorry.
4596536
Stop imposing on my rights as a genderfluid ethnic American.
Wat is this shit I don't even
4596655
Ah, Herr Heer! Is it a fine day in Moscow?
4596664 Alas, as long as the Russian pigs have vodka to sip and some kind of domestic animal to fuck, we'll never be rid of the scourge.
4596664
4596668
There's two now!? W-what the hell!?
4596691
Ja? Is a common sight in Europe these days herr user.
4596668
At least with winter, the vodka will dry up! Good thing Herr Fueher decided to listen to Herr Guderian and give us all this winter equipment.
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4596327
4596371
Previous comments are indeed criticism. Winter, when you post on a story, try to do this:
4596418
More often than this:
4596323
Former sounds pretty good (and hell, it's honestly a pretty good idea), and the latter is the generic 'oh God another HiE here we goooo' comment.
Point being, former helps people, latter hinders and makes you come off as a douche.
Same to you, Comm, even though you'll probably reply to this in a predictably trollish manner.
4596360
As for the story, the description right off the bat has my head throwing up red flags. Firstly, Assassin's Creed cross My Little Pony has been done before, and been done, at the very least, more coherently and in with a stronger sense of literacy.
Take notes from how the more well-spoken of us write, as well as the actual stories popping up here and there. Even the Featured Box. Straighten up the description, and people will actually read the story.
For the story... well, all I can say is be prepared. Criticism around here will be blunt and quick, though however painful it'll be to read it, almost all criticism from this community is very informative. Learn what ya can, keep on writing, don't let anyone tell you to stop.
Just, if you do keep on writing, try not to do anything that'll piss people off. We've got enough of those kinds of people around here as is.
4596766
Stop raping me! :c
4596790
Once you've learned to stop being such a bad boy.
4596790
4596793 mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2695-125772_-_animated_gif_Read_It_And_Weep_Screw_Loose.gif
This story is a prolapse.
4596766
I agree with this because it has dubs
4596850 just to be sure, prolapse is a good thing or a bad thing?, just wondering, and what it means, ill really apreciate an explanation.
4596857
birth
english is not my native tongue
4596857
A prolapse is another word for giving birth, so basically he meant that this story is a miracle a start of something new, but also a real pain to go through.
So, normally I review things like this by picking through the story, but you know what? The front page has enough problems that I'm going to start
Jesus Christ! Why are you shouting your title at me? The caps lock is annoying as fuck and totally wrong. Instead think more along the lines of:
Also, what the hell does that title even mean? How does the theme "Keep living for friendship" show in this story? Moving on.
Oh, good lord. Let's take this whole thing from the top.
No. No no no. No. Don't ever write an HiE main character as a brony. It kills any hope the story has of remaining focused and having a dynamic plot line. You see, the problem with brony protagonists is twofold. First, there's a sheer lack of dramatic tension due to the fact that literally all tension in an HiE comes from the main character having to learn about, cope with, and adapt to the fact that he is now in a new world with ponies. Because the main character is a brony, he automatically knows everything about Equestria with little to no challenge.
Secondly, it looses focus. Instead of the main character going on a journey of the story's plot or even dedicating his screen time to a personal character arc, he just activates tourist mode and wants to see all of the stuff he's a fan of, which if you couldn't tell, isn't engaging for your audience. They don't want to see someone just faffing about in Ponyville on a wish fulfillment quest. So, in short, making him a brony kills the pacing and drama of an already flimsy plot.
Also, while I can't fault you for making a crossover with Assassin's Creed, you better know what you're doing. Crossovers in the hands of a new writer can severely hinder a story.
Damn, that is a lot of very messed up errors in one sentence. From the top.
First, the thundering fuckballs is an "adventure sense"? It sounds like a euphemism for a pirate getting horny. I swear, if this is the same thing as the eagle sense, I'm going to hidden blade a bitch.
Speaking of which, what do you mean he trained to become like the assassins? You realize half of what they do is physically impossible, right? Not to mention the other half requires intense training many professional military blokes wouldn't even handle. And you're telling me this fucking kid becomes an assassin? Copious amounts of bullshit.
Finally we have the bit about his family. I can't fault you too terribly hard given a lot of stories use family deaths to create drama, my own included, but ask yourself: what does it add to his character? If it's nothing but making him edgier, darker, or cooler, then cut the family killing. It'll just clog up the story.
Then we get this bunk.
Look, are you even trying to make an MLP fan fiction? Are you really? Because it looks like you just want to make a badass "edgy" OC story and Equestria is a small afterthought at the end of the paragraph so that you can call this an MLP fanfic. And in case you had not realized, if you're writing a story on this site and Equestria is a tacked on minor detail, then there's something very wrong.
In addition your description of the character in that excerpt is so one dimensional that he makes the protagonist of COD:Ghosts look like Oscar level writing,
So, yeah. Not even gotten into the story and this is so obviously shite that I am utterly convinced to look no deeper" I'd say this should be sent to either the scrap yard or back to the drawing board.
4596360 cause insulting your audience is totally a good idea.
4596360
Well, as a user who you can't attack based on the number of fics...
Cool story bro, it gave me cancer, but your comment then took that cancer and upgraded it with genital warts.
Thanks for that.
4597864 thanks man, i really apreciate the critic, and trustme it thought about it many times, making him a brony or not, trustme this will not be a story of a brony goofing around in equestria fullfilling any brony dreams, i know my writing is poor, as i said, English is not my native lenguate, and trustme, i hope to finish this story, then i will start a new one, one must fail sometimes to win later right. just wait to see the remaining chapters, i hope to change your mind.
4597885
It's what I do.
4597881
Dropbear, you devilish bastard. When the fuck did you get here?
4597889 and by the titlle i was thinking of changing it, but it would only shows how poor my will is, trust me i have plans to give more sense to the tittle, maybe in the climax of the story.......UH, spoilers.
4597895
My Dropbear-sense tingled, so I left the gumtree to have a gander at this here shitstorm in the making. .
In all seriousness though, when I saw the DABC notification. It's a slow night, and night is when I do my lurking. Plus with a comment like that, I couldn't help but wade in and stir the pot a little.
Now I must go, and eat a snickers.