• Member Since 14th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Seer


You think these blue giants feel the same? You think they ever have these days?

T
Source

Rainbow is an unpredictable drunk.
Rarity, on the other hand, is usually very predictable indeed.
After a long night's drinking, the two of them have a heart to heart.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 7 )

This fic as a conversation evolves very naturally. And it doesn't go down the typical shipfic route either, which is really a breath of fresh air. I would say it was cute, but the way the conversation fell at the end makes 'cute' seem like a trivialization of the latter half of the fic. It's all just very real, and honestly eye-opening, and that's what makes this good.

Now, there was a section in the middle which it was hard to tell who was talking. A way that this confusion can be avoided is to match character action to the same character's dialog. Internal dialog can be relegated to a different paragraph.

But otherwise, this is a very thoughtful fic, and that's what makes it so good.

As common as shipping is, it's rare to find a fic that actually includes serious, character-based examination of sexuality. Nice to see.

"I fucking hate cider"?
First line that comes to mind when thinking of Rarity. Such class. I am being sarcastic of course.

She can be direct, but still watches her tone during it. Hmn

I really enjoyed this. There were some typos throughout, and there were sections where it was a little difficult to work out who was speaking, but it wasn't enough to detract from the emotional impact of the story. You had the characters acting as themselves but in a more "adult" way, and the use of profanity here and there emphasised how raw and deep feelings like that can go, without feeling like it was done for the sake of swearing. All in all, really good job!

I don't like drinking. The idea of being inebriated sort of freaks me out - not being in control, having my inhibitions knocked down? Not something I want to experience. For that reason, I generally wasn't interested in the framing device of this, where everyone is apparently so inebriated that they can barely even process the world around them coherently. It's not my thing, but that's my problem.

Where you could tighten this somewhat is in your paragraphs, which are way too long and ramble a little. In your future writing, perhaps you could cut them down, or at least break them up so they're less daunting. Alternatively - and I'm sorry I can't explain this in more detail - you could try to use sentences with more flow, with some higher-energy word choices and a bit more forward momentum. At times I felt like I needed to wade through a couple sentences to get to the good stuff.

As the others here have said, you should break dialogue from other characters' actions. At times it was confusing to tell who was saying what. Your character voices are spot-on, and I was somewhat amused by the distinctive forms of each character's drunkenness, but there were moments I had to reread to understand, which cut down the impact a bit. Furthermore, you repeat the word "unpredictable" 15 times in this story, which is way too many. There are three separate occasions where the word "unpredictable" is repeated twice back to back. That's another thing which you could change to improve the flow of your writing.

But the character interactions here are endearingly organic, even if the woozy tone isn't my thing, and even when you make Rainbow a mouthpiece at the end, what she's saying feels organic, if a bit cheesy in a moral-of-the-week sort of way. The feelings Rarity and Rainbow talk about feel authentic, though, which makes the emotion come through pretty clearly, and I found their honesty very endearing. I don't suppose this is a particularly effective medium for spreading this kind of be-yourself message, but it's a really nice message anyway, and I liked reading it. I like romances above all else because I like seeing characters happy, and what I really dug about this is how Rainbow worked so hard to lighten Rarity's mood and reassure her of her worth. That sweetness won me over in the end.

This was a nice, heartfelt tale. Life was addressed in an authentic fashion, without easy answers forced on the readers, and things were left unresolved in a graceful way.

Elegantly done. :twilightsmile:

"I never thought I did honestly, I just never tried to hide it anymore because I'd gotten so sick of trying. I'd hear so many of the colts going on about which of the fillies they liked, and whose hips this and who was the best fuck that, but the second I said anything about even thinking someone was pretty, even when I never went into the level of over-compensating detail that they did, I was making a big deal. You know what I think? I think we grow up overhearing ponies talking in hushed voices about how much we creep them out. It's drilled into you, however subtly, that what you are is weird from day one. How the hell are you meant to deal with being like that?"

Damn..

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