• Member Since 4th Oct, 2011
  • offline last seen Jun 6th, 2020

Melon Hunter


"The nine most terrifying words in this language are: ‘I'm from the government and I'm here to help.’”

Veggie Vee is the model bureaucrat: enthusiastic, motivated, and absolutely enamoured with setting the world to rights from the safety of her desk in Canterlot. Being assigned to Ponyville to save her job, therefore, wasn't exactly on her to-do list.

The local citizens aren't too happy about it, either. What should have been a simple poster campaign against unhealthy eating swiftly becomes a war of attrition. An incompetent underground resistance attempts to foil her every move and Veggie's latent megalomania isn't helping. Princess Twilight is nowhere to be seen, and an explosion-happy, candy-loving sugar freedom fighter is on the loose.

Everything is about to spiral out of control...

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 333 )

I sat reading this chapter munching chocolate and not feeling the slightest built of guilt. However I did get a good laugh and as Pinkie is my fave of the main six, I loved that you got her character so well. I look forward to more!

This effort is doomed!

Five bits says that the sugar increase is because Twilight, becoming an alicorn, now needs tremendous caloric intake to simply keep functioning. That is also why Celestia has so much cake. She will return near the end of the week. Then Veggie will learn that her actions are starving an Alicorn Princess.

Liked and Favorited for the concept and delivery.

Well, I think I just found something new to follow! The concept is brilliant, and the writing is great too. Also:

only Cloudsdale and Hoofington

Is that a reference to Fallout Equestria: PH, or am I just reading too much into things?

The sudden sugar consumption is probably entirely Pinkie's fault.

your fucking profile picture makes this so much better

My name is GhostOfHeraclitus and I approve of this fic. :pinkiehappy:

Then again I would, wouldn't I?

Veggie Vee is doomed never to advance the ranks I fear. Disasters Don't Schedule is a bit of a motto of the upper echelons. Also, she wants to advance. Not a good sign. Nopony sane wants the top-tier Civil Service jobs. They aren't worth the ulcers.

Quango[1] on the other hand is probably going to end up on a 'careers to watch with interest' list in a file somewhere. Provided he survives.

[1] I envy that name. So much. You have no idea.

So, is Veggie supposed to be the Chancellor or Creedy?

Veggie Vee cannot win this. No one can out-crazy pinkie. Except Discord. So the only way Veggie Vee can win this is to get Discord to join her.

you are of course, going to give this... vee and her fellow 'health police' scum the punishment they deserve, yes?

Why doesnt this story have more views?! Great plot, writing , and characters.


Holy! You got GhostofHeraclitus to come here! Hey there!

And poor Vee, so eager, so naive. She does know what awaits her at the upper level of the Equestrian Civil Service. Though, being in Ponyville may help with that!

Also love Quango, but what is his name mean?

In the spirit of bonhomie, I propose rhubarb pie as a means of reconciling Veggie Vee with Pinkie Pie before the fragile situation escalates any further.
Pinkie should not antagonize Veggie and force her hoof to drastic, emergency power measures (like drafting a strongly worded memo back to the ECS :pinkiegasp:).


What is his name mean?

A quango is a quasi nongovernmental organization.

Oh dear Celestia. My avatar looks exactly like a fat Veggie Vee. What to do.

“I don’t know... but it’s a doozy, one heck of a doozy... and it’s coming right this way.”


I love the names. Not only the more obvious Quango, but Veggie V is:

(a) A combination of "vegetables" and "V" (for Vendetta), where a singular agent is more of an incarnated representation of an idea than a person in and of themselves; and

(b) A sounding out of the acronym "VGV", which can stand for both the Dutch "Veel Gestelde Vragen" (frequently asked questions, or what bureaucrats often spend much of their time answering), and the German "Vertraglich Gebundene Vermittler", meaning an agent who promotes their organisation's particular set of policies and recommendations.

That really weird moment when you watched V for Vendetta last night, then go on FimFic and see this :rainbowlaugh:

Pinkie probably accounts for 90% of Ponyville's sugar consumption. Breaking physics and defying logic takes up a lot of energy you know.

Oh dear god.

There is no way for this to end well at all...

...Go on.

~Skeeter The Lurker

This seems silly. I will hafta read it....

The war begins.

...Vree hee hee. :3


KILL IT WITH FIRE!! :flutterrage:

I can't read this right now, but I'm liking and faving for later. I hope it's good! :ajsmug:

I have a feeling I'll like this story.


Hoofington is canon, actually. It might not be on that official map of Equestria for some reason, but it was mentioned by Trixie all the way back in Boast Busters in season one. Supposedly it was the place that she saved from the ursa major. Granted, we don't know whether it's actually real or if Trixie just made it up, since I don't think it's been referenced by anyone besides her, but it's not actually from PH.

>that tagline

"All I wanted... was to save these ponies..."

"And all you did was damn them to oblivion."

Not bad.

As a little filly, she had dreamed of reaching the upper echelons of the Equestrian Civil Service

Ah, no. Really, no. Mid-level bureaucrat is what you want to be aiming for. Decent pay, less-than-crippling levels of responsibility, and unless you or your department screw up on an astronomical scale, you're safely tucked out of the line of fire for _literally every downsizing possible_. Seriously, get lost in the machine, and you'll be able to take home a nifty paycheck, without ever turning up on anyone's blacklist.
Followed by -

“So, with a few caveats, I’m going to give you your budget for next year in advance for the Ponyville operation. I—”

The Treasury is _offering you money_. Be afraid.
Now, let's ignore the complications that are inevitably going to arise when you realise you spent half of next years budget on this, because you were unaware of the cuts to your department that will be implemented.
This is a low-risk venture for the Treasurer - he can pull out if it gets a little hairy, and as the overseer on site _you_ are the fall guy. Morover, any losses come straight from _your_ budget next year. The Treasurer risks nothing - he's simply moved a few numbers around. You risk a lot more.
Next - _he asked if you were sure_. That's a red flag, five miles high and lit on fire. Good ideas get approved. Risky ones get queried and delayed, whilst they try to figure out how much blame falls on them. Which leads into the next point -
Ponyville. There are ponies resident there who, for a number of reasons, are basically capable of _bypassing the bureaucracy entirely_. Every civil servant above low level local government should have their names, faces, and at least town of residence memorised. Because then they can look at a situation like this, and see that they really need to just pass it off on someone else.

Yes, the Treasury has bags of bits for souls. And guess who's department will be getting downsized by at least two employees before the next Budget?

I love the characters you've set up in the first chapter, my face conforms into a smile whenever veggie is the focus.

'I feel a disturbance in the sugar. It was as if a thousand sugary treats screamed at once, and then fell silent' :pinkiegasp:

This can only end in blood, tears, and icing.
Icing EVERYWHERE.:twilightoops:

Rarity, a bit tubby!? Hmph, and to think I was actually starting to like Veggie. Now I'm looking forward to her crashing and burning horribly HAHAHAHAHA!
Nice story, I'll be reading this for more Veggie pain.:twilightsmile:

Clearly, Veggie has never heard of the phrase "Lies, Damned Lies, and statistics."

I bet the reason behind the sudden increase in sugar consumption is the opening of a glucose tablet factory for type 1 diabetics, or the Apple family experimenting with fermentation, or Sugarcube Corner buying more ingredients for exportation to other cities, or even a medicinal lab buying sugar to grow bacteria cultures. Although the former and latter might be a bit too specific and advanced, respectively, to be true.

Wait, did Veggie recognize that she just called two of the elements of harmony "Fat" and "stupid"? Because she had a picture in her office of the element bearers.

You sir are truly blessed by Discord, I have never seen a more ingenious setup for mayhem.

This is my 500th favorite. Wow, I spend too much time on here :twilightoops:

The door was opened by an older beige mare, her mane and tail turned silver by with age.

... Actually, nevermind. By works too,

The door was opened by an older beige mare, her mane and tail turned silver by with age cheap hair dye.

I :heart: bureocracy fics so much.

I think I can see where this ends up. Pinkie Pie alone is the Source of most of the sugar consumption, the rest of the town is around average.

Argh, this is what happens when you leave the comments section for too long. In that case, ULTRA REPLY COMMENT OF DOOM, GO!

3781161 Thanks! I must admit, I find Pinkie the hardest but most rewarding of the Mane 6 to write. I always love seeing her taken beyond 'blithering idiot for random humour', which is why I loved last week's episode so much!

3781967 3789436 3786477 3784217 3783759 Oh yes indeed!

3782003 3782134 3785647 It's just a shame that if Veggie were a shrewder soul, she'd realise that simply asking Pinkie to temporarily register her address just outside the Ponyville municipal area would put a big dent in the sugar statistics. Enough to give her time to get to the bottom of this. Such a shame she's too arrogant for that, eh? :rainbowwild:

3782049 As 3786807 said, Hoofington has been mentioned in the show. I stopped reading PH in summer 2012 (and I am eternally thankful for that), but I guess it could have crossed my mind when I was writing that sentence. Unintentional reference, either way!

3782616 Oh yes! Out of all the authors I could have asked to follow this story, you're pretty much top of the list. Glad to have you along :twilightsmile: And as for Veggie's future career prospects, well... if things go wrong, they can always punish her by giving her the top-level Civil Service jobs. I'm sure after a few months in her 'dream' job, she'll be pining for this assignment to Ponyville...

3782997 Eh... both and neither. Although there will be references to V for Vendetta, this isn't strictly a crossover. Personally, I see Veggie as a rather volatile mix of Professor Umbridge and Leslie Knope out of Parks and Recreation.

3783281 Oh my. Whatever she does to get that deal is going to make a Faustian pact look like a walk in the park :rainbowlaugh:

3783452 3789700 3786489 Well, why else do you think I made Veggie teeth-grindingly arrogant, aloof and self-righteous? Partners Karma and Poetic Justice are saddling up as we speak :pinkiehappy:

3783838 Heh, thanks very much!

3783934 Worth it, if only to see Veggie squirming over the sugary peace offering she's been given!

Also, I've just realised that 'quango' is a portmanteau of a prefix and an initialism. That's one tortured etymology...

3784062 ...organise an impromptu family reunion, I guess!

3785300 Thank you! I shall cede to Death of the Author here, as those are definitely new and exciting ways of interpreting her name! Originally it came from the vegetarian V symbol on a restaurant menu (and thus condensing to Veggie Vee so we could have the title pun), but I've got to say I really like your points too! :twilightsmile:

3785383 Gotta love those coincidences :rainbowkiss:

3786039 Oh, I will. We've a long way to fall down the rabbit hole yet...

3786900 The Ministry of Health gets serious on obesity :rainbowwild:

3787778 If this were the film poster for The Devil's Advocate, then Veggie would be Keanu Reeves and Red Tape would be Al Pacino, for sure. There's a reason the carpet's red and his desk's obsidian...

But, let's look at it from Red Tape's perspective. He has an incredibly arrogant underling who's somehow retained her chipperness and ambition despite her experiences in the Civil Service. Who wouldn't jump at an opportunity to make her dig her own grave like this? :rainbowwild: Best case scenario? Ponyville miraculously gets sorted out. Worst case? Well, he gets one hell of a show.

3788226 Thank you! I hope this story brings you many more face conformations of happiness in future chapters!

3788342 Veemon? Oh man, that brings back memories...

3788419 "The Death Starfruit will be completed on schedule."

3789793 No. No. You don't understand; the statistics never lie! :rainbowwild:

3790164 Thank you! I'm hoping to make Discord proud with this one.

3790966 Nah, you're just a prolific reader!


The door was opened by an older beige mare, her mane and tail turned silver by with age cheap hair dye.

Shhh, she needs to keep some of her dignity!

3791615 Make sure you sit by a phone when reading this story, then. Just in case it turns out that you did, in fact, call it :pinkiehappy:


That would not go well.

"Come on, Miss Vee. It's an emergency!"

"Wh--what emergency?"

"No idea, but it's morning. One's bound to turn up any mo--ah, the palace is on fire Excellent. Right on time."

Ooh! This sounds fun! Melon, I think you may have done it again. :twilightsmile:


...excuse me, I feel a spin-off coming on...

I seem to have become interested in beucratic fanfics.
I blame this and Flash Fog.

Because Project Horizon is the most overrated fanfic in the entire fandom. It's crap beyond recognition, and only fanboys who're blind to see that would be stupid enough to mention it outside of it's safe little holes.

On an unrelated note; Congratulations Melon! Vee is making good progress I see~

3791980 Hee hee! Thank you; I hope I can live up to expectations! :twilightsmile:

3793266 Well, officialdom abuse certainly makes for an interesting set of story possibilities, I'll give it that...

3796685 static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130711132208/mk_/images/2/25/Anchorman_well_that_escalated_quickly_966.jpg But thank you for the input! :rainbowwild:

3794527 Because it's a trap I think it's considered bad form to mention another fanfic in a story's comments thread (not that I especially mind the ones mentioned in here). That said, as Faindragon mentioned, PH is an especially unpopular fic outside its cliques, so maybe that's another reason why.

3798383 Mmmm... I love the smell of victory in the morning. Not quite as much as freshly buttered toast, but it's up there.



On an unrelated note, you're still cool.

3796685 I see you have a massive hateboner for it. Best to not let others see it in public, lest they think of you as a biased, ignorant fool.

Are you somehow incapable of saying "I dislike Project Horizons"?

Oh, please tell me how I'm ignorant after have read the story until the second time Blowjob (BJ) dies, after the part where she get over her rape experience by FUCKING A BAT PONY, and Somber just getting out his bondage fetishes on his main characters.

Up to the point where Blowjob died for the first time, I LOVED the story. It was the best FoE fic out there (besides Pink Eyes, obviously, but Pink Eyes is in a class for itself), far above the original.

Then he decided to pussy out. Had he let Blowjob die, it would've been better for everyone. The story would be remembered to do what no-one had dared. Kill of the main character without any answer.

Oh, and let me put one more thing for WHY I hate PH:
He tinker with the original.
-Who opened the chamber to the megaspell? Blowjob.
-Who got Little Pip to search out the slavers? Blowjob.

On another note; Sorry Melon for bringing this to the comments in your fic. You know how PH make me.

3805272 3805880

I think there's only one answer to this: static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130711132208/mk_/images/2/25/Anchorman_well_that_escalated_quickly_966.jpg

But seriously guys, if you're going to duke it out about something, can you do via PM/user page comments? This isn't the place.

3805880 I'm saying you're being an idiot for tossing your immature and biased opinions all over a fic that isn't related to this story.

You thought there was a deliberate reference to PH in this fic. That was incorrect.

It was completely unnecessary to spew bile all over the comments because you are incapable of public decency regarding opinions. If you MUST express an opinion, simply say "I disliked PH because I did not agree with how the storyline progressed."

Now, are you going to be civil for once?

1. Great work completely ignoring what Melon posted just above you.
2. FreakinaBonk was the user who thought it was a PH reference in it. Admiral Ackbar asked why he had so many downvotes, and I answered with why I thought it was so.

Now, if you want to continue this petty little discussion of yours, send me a PM instead.

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