Veggie's Venture Validated

Vee for Vendetta

By Melon Hunter

Chapter 1: Veggie’s Venture Validated

Tick... tock... tick... tock... To the various denizens of Equestria, the sound and motion of the clock’s second hand can mean many things. It can be a soothing rhythm to some, a chilling echo of the Reaper’s hoofsteps to others, and a source of comfort that the end of a long day is coming closer to yet others.

To Veggie Vee, it meant another infinitesimal slice of life sliding neatly into its pre-ordained space. Sitting at her pristinely organised desk, the pale green unicorn observed her domain with bright blue eyes. She had finished arranging her spreadsheet on the salt intake rates for the Appleloosa region a whole thirty-seven seconds early, and she felt that was worth a reward.

She took a kerchief and gently rubbed the little brass stand bearing her name and position: Veggie Vee, Head of the Healthy Eating and Reduction of Obesity Board of Equestria. She allowed a little smirk and a chuckle as she looked at it, the nameplate held in the golden glow of her magic. As a little filly, she had dreamed of reaching the upper echelons of the Equestrian Civil Service, but the mind quite boggled at the dizzying heights she’d achieved. Her very own think tank!

Veggie finished her polishing a few seconds early, sitting completely motionless to allow the schedule to catch up. She watched the second hand clack to the top of the clock face, perfectly aligning with its companions. Twelve o’ clock exactly. Time for lunch.

She pulled herself up and walked down to the communal refrigerator, then took out her lunchbox from the carefully divided shelf. She looked down at the container. On the lid, her cutie mark was embossed and painted: an ear of maize tilted to the right, its leaf bent outward to the left to form a ‘V’ shape.

Humming gently, she walked slowly down the corridor and outside to a park next to her office building. She sat down upon a bench, taking a deep breath of the clean air. A wide smile spread across Veggie’s face as she opened the container. A crustless lettuce sandwich, and a single, shiny red apple from an orchard down near the Everfree Forest.

Veggie took a genteel bite from the sandwich and chewed quietly before feeling the presence of another pony. She swallowed and turned to look behind her, hastily brushing the dark green stands of her mane out of her eyes.

A dark grey pegasus with a clipboard cutie mark hovered by the bench. His mouth twisted and his wings flapped arrhythmically. A sheaf of paper was held in the crook of his forehoof, the other hoof fiddling with a large pair of horn-rimmed glasses.

“Hello, Quango,” Veggie said slowly. “This is... unscheduled.”

“Well, yes, Miss Vee, but I—” Veggie cut him off with a point of the hoof, making his golden eyes suddenly widen.

“As in, this meeting is not on my schedule,” she said, pointing at a nearby clock tower. “It is six minutes past twelve, and my lunch hour is from twelve o’ clock till one o’ clock every day. You know that, it’s inked in on all my timetables.”

“I know, and I apologise—” He grimaced and tugged at his brown mane as Vee silenced him with a wave of her forehoof.

Veggie huffed and pointed at a statue of the six Element bearers in the centre of the park. “Do you see that? What does that mean to you?”

“Uh...”

“It means freedom, Quango. Freedom to have lunch, when we want, undisturbed!” Veggie’s eyelid began to twitch. “Don’t you remember Nightmare Moon’s return? Ponies fought and were… were mildly inconvenienced to prevent endless night disturbing our schedules!”

Quango raised an eyebrow. “Yes, of course that’s what everypony was worrying about. Not, I’m sure, the lack of sunlight or us all freezing to death or anything…” he muttered.

Veggie scowled. “And now you would do the same! For shame, Quango!”

He clutched the dossier to his chest, eyes wide, wings fluttering rapidly. “Trust me, Miss Vee, there is nothing I’d hate to do more than disturb your lunch hour with vital statistics,” he said. “Especially not vital statistics that will probably affect the department budget”—he glanced up at the clock—“which will need to be signed off by you at one o’ clock.”

“Thank you.” Veggie bobbed her head towards Quango. “Now, may we both have an enjoyable and—I daresay—uninterrupted lunch hour.” She smiled at him. “See you at one.”

“On your head be it, then...” Quango muttered. He fluttered away, sitting down heavily in the shade of a tree.

Veggie sat back and sighed happily. “And so the lunchtime invasion fails,” she said to herself, returning to her food. Once finished, she hopped off the bench and began to stride through the park, making sure to look back at Quango every now and then and wave.

At twelve fifty-five, Veggie picked up her lunchbox and went back inside, Quango trailing her. She sat back down at her desk, where the department’s budget sat waiting for her final approval. She flicked through it, ensuring all the contents were in order. She signed it with a quill, rolled it up, and pushed it into the pneumatic tube by her desk with a satisfied sigh.

Quango opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off wordlessly with a meaningful glance at the clock. He huffed and slumped back. He glowered at his superior as she re-arranged the papers on her desk.

As the minute hand finally reached the top of the clock, Veggie looked up at him and smiled broadly. “Quango! This is a pleasant surprise! What are you here to see me for?”

He stared at her for a moment with bloodshot eyes, before holding up the sheaf of papers in his hoof. “I was going over the latest figures from Ponyville, and well... they don’t bode well.”

Vee raised her eyebrows. “Ponyville? That little town near the Everfree? What do you mean? It’s perfectly healthy; it has some of Equestria’s largest orchards and carrot farms outside it!”

Quango rubbed his chin, frowning. “That’s what I thought as well, Miss Vee, but the statistics—”

“—do not lie, I know. Let me see.” He gave her the sheaf. She pulled a pince-nez out of a drawer and put it on, regarding the dossier. Little tuts and ‘hmmm’s came from Veggie as she looked over the data. As she got to the final page, she paled and prodded a table of numbers with her hoof. “Quango... what is this?” she gasped.

“I-I know, Miss Vee, I barely believed it myself.” Quango gulped. “But like you said, the statistics don’t lie...”

“But… but this makes Ponyville the worst town for sugar consumption in the whole of Equestria!” Veggie exclaimed, edging her chair back as though a plague rat had been dumped on her desk. “Even behind Manehattan, and they eat nothing but grease and syrup there!”

Quango stepped back, his wings drooping and ears downturned. “I’m from Manehattan...” he said quietly.

“You are?” He nodded hesitantly. “Um…” Veggie rubbed the back of her head. “Congratulations on rising above those temptations, then!” she offered.

“Um, yes. That’s exactly what I thought...” he said.

“Anyway, there’s no denying these figures,” Veggie said, her mouth twisting. “Ponyville has slipped from third-best to worst in six months. There’s only one thing for it. I’m going to have to—”

“Well, whatever it is, I hope it doesn’t require any money being spent,” Quango interjected. As Vee cocked her head at him, he waved his hoof at the pneumatic tube. “You do realise that document you just sent through was the department’s budget for next year, right?” She nodded and he bit his lip. “And that’s final… and comes into effect tomorrow? No changing it now?” He pursed his lips as a reedy whine began to emerge from Veggie’s mouth. “I’ll take that as a no…”

Veggie gripped the edges of the desk as her head spun. She trembled and stared at the ground as the stark reality hit her, the sheer horror of what she now had to do nearly making her faint. Her horn flared and she pulled open the top drawer of her desk. “I’m… so sorry to have to do this, Quango,” she sobbed, pulling out a small device from within.

“Wait, what is that?” Quango exclaimed, wings flaring.

Veggie grimly placed the golden orb from her desk into the pneumatic tube, sending it off with a puff of compressed air. “For emergencies only.” She spun around and stared at him with bloodshot eyes. “We have to go to”—her voice fell to a dread-filled whisper—“the Treasury.”

“Are you sure about this, Miss Vee?” Quango asked, as the elevator whisked them to the top floor of the office building.

Veggie barely paid attention to him, legs wobbling as she tried to resist the growing urge to escape through the emergency hatch. Instead, she tried focussing on the dossier. The parchment rustled as her magic clenched it together, as if by squeezing it Veggie could rid herself of the dreaded numbers. But they did not lie. They never lied. “A-absolutely, Quango. This is a failure of my think-tank of the highest magnitude, and it is our duty to prostrate ourselves before our superior and fall upon our swords, if need be.”

He gave a start, his wings shooting outward. “Our swords?”

“Absolutely! I have failed by allowing Ponyville to slip so far so fast, and you gave me the statistics that showed so. Cut-and-dry, really,” Veggie replied. Quango opened his mouth, but was cut off by the ring of a bell as the doors opened.

The two bureaucrats stared out into the corridor. Veggie hesitated on the threshold of the elevator, before gently placing a hoof on the blood-red carpet. She gulped as she heard the incessant clattering of the typewriters, wringing out ponies’ souls one stroke at a time. She shuddered at the stench of gold weaving its way through the offices, and—

“We do have a meeting,” Quango prompted her. He was already halfway down the corridor, tapping a hoof. “Might as well get it over with, whatever ‘it’ is.”

Veggie shook herself and gazed at Quango with pity. With youth came ignorance; perhaps he really didn’t know the fear the Treasury struck into the hearts of any true civil servant. She’d rather face down a charging manticore than the steely gaze of one of Celestia’s hoof-picked auditors. At least manticores didn’t try to kill you with book-keeping.

At the end of the corridor, a massive mahogany door waited for them. Monetary Director, Ministry of Health, a small brass plaque confirmed. Vee gulped and shuddered, before walking up and knocking upon the door.

“Enter,” said a deep voice said from within. Veggie pushed open the door. Facing them from behind an ornately carved desk of obsidian was a large blue earth pony stallion, wearing a bow tie and half-moon glasses. He looked up from the papers he was stamping with his hoof, and his brown eyes lit up. “Veggie! I received your emergency summons. To what do I owe this pleasure?” The motion of papers and hoof never stopped as he asked the question.

“Well, sir...” Veggie began. Stamp! The hoof came down again.

“‘Sir’? No, no, no,” he chuckled. Stamp! “As I’ve said countless times, please, call me Red Tape.” Stamp!

“R-Red Tape,” Veggie corrected. Stamp! “I, um, have some disturbing information. Ponyville has quite suddenly slipped to having the highest sugar consumption”— Stamp! —“per capita in all of Equestria.”

Red Tape’s eyebrows rose. Stamp! “Ponyville, eh? Well, what do you think should be done?” Stamp!

Veggie took a step back. “B-but si—um, Red Tape, this is a failure of an unimaginable magnitude on my part!” she said, wide-eyed.

“If you say so,” Tape said. “And what do you think, Quango?” Red Tape waved a hoof to the other stallion, stopping his stamping temporarily. He rubbed his chin, gazing directly into Quango’s eyes.

“M-me, sir?” His wings flared briefly. He glanced at Veggie and piped up, “Well, I agree with Miss Vee. It is an unimaginable failure upon”—he cut off as Veggie’s head shot around to give him a withering glare—“our part. Certainly, I should shoulder some, if not most of the blame for this.”

Red Tape reached out. “Let me have a look.” Veggie transferred the incriminating tables and graphs to him. The elder bureaucrat looked down at the dossier, his mouth twisting and brow furrowing as he read. At the final page, he let out a brief chuckle. “Oh, I see! I see!”

“Th-that’s it? ‘I see’? Isn’t this one of the most catastrophic things to happen to this department?” Veggie asked, tapping her forehooves together.

Red Tape stared at her, head resting upon steepled forehooves. “Well... hmmm... I suppose. I mean, the statistics don’t lie, do they?” The tiniest of smiles adorned his lips.

“No, sir! Red Tape, sir!” the two ponies before him said in unison.

Tape nodded. “Well, would you like a chance to put things right?” he asked.

Veggie’s eyes went wide, and she nodded vigorously. “Of course!”

“Capital!” Red Tape pushed the Ponyville dossier back across the desk. “So, Veggie Vee. Read it again, and tell me. What are you going to do?”

She snatched up the papers and regarded them closely, her eyes scanning over the pages. She looked for something, anything, that she may have missed, but the morbid conclusion was still the same. Still, there was plenty to salvage the situation... the fruit and vegetable farms. Veggie’s hoof tapped vengefully on her worst enemy; an insidious institution known as Sugarcube Corner. “I can assign subsidies for healthy foods and exercises, while imposing certain... financial penalties on purveyors of fat and sugar.” Her hoof came down hard enough on the picture of the gingerbread-themed bakery to crease the paper. “Perhaps more extreme measures if need be.”

Red Tape raised his eyebrows. “Are you absolutely sure, Veggie?”

Veggie once more looked down at the map of the small town, imagining herself walking upon it. She imagined her great foresight and wisdom leading these poor, clueless ponies away from the path of ill health they had tumbled down. She imagined striking down the evil Sugarcube Corner, raising a glorious temple to fruit in its place. She imagined being held high upon the denizens’ shoulders, her name cheered, a statue, a proclamation of Veggie Vee, Saviour of Ponyville.

She looked up with a determined smile and let out a snort. “I have never been so sure in all my life, sir.”

Red Tape shrugged. “I see. There’s no stopping you. Good! I like conviction in a civil servant. Just one thing…” He picked up another dossier, and the blood drained from Veggie’s face as she saw her signature on the front page. The budget. The budget. “All this talk of subsidies and such. They’re awfully expensive, and yet—forgive me if I’m wrong—I don’t see anything about this venture in the spending plan!” He shook his head and chuckled. “Don’t tell me Veggie Vee has made a mistake, of all the ponies in this department!” Vee shook her head mechanically. “No…?” Droplets of sweat began to run down her brow. “Not even if these statistics came in a whole hour before you signed off?” She whimpered, biting her bottom lip so hard as to almost draw blood. “Absolutely, positively sure that—”

“Alright alright alright! I made a mistake; it’s all my fault!” Veggie suddenly yelled. She threw herself before the director, forehooves clinging to the desk’s edge. “I just signed it there and then; I didn’t think this would show up right before the budget! Not in my lunch break!” she wailed.

“And you do so love your lunch breaks, don’t you Veggie?” Red Tape asked, smiling faintly and looking down at her.

“Yes! I do! So much!” Veggie felt as though she were being raked over hot coals, her soul torn open to spill every last secret for judgement. She clenched her eyes shut. “A whole hour! I even took a walk!”

“Goodness me. A walk, even?”

She snivelled and grovelled, staring at the carpet. “Please, please don’t defund my think tank!” she begged. “I’ll do anything! I’ll auction off my name plaque! I’ll sell Quango to a travelling circus!”

“Excuse me?!” Quango exclaimed.

“Just please, have mer-er-er-cy!” Vee’s voice cracked as she finished her tirade, and cringed as she heard the stamping noise start up once more. She cracked open an eyelid, only to see Tape clapping his hooves against the desk in applause.

“Quite the performance,” he said. “Now, I’m afraid your get-rich-quick schemes are a little far-fetched; I’m fairly certain that selling your subordinates is against some bylaw or another. Unless…” He looked thoughtfully at the pegasus for a moment, who quivered and took a step back. “Still, that does leave you in rather a bind, doesn’t it?” Veggie nodded. “In which case, you should count yourself lucky that you have an investor willing to… experiment, if you will.”

Veggie looked up at him. “What do you mean?” she murmured.

Tape waved a forehoof. “Let’s say we pay it forward. You seem to have a lot of conviction that this plan will work, and neither of us want to let this problem fester for a whole year. The only issue is money… or lack thereof.” He pulled out a magnificent phoenix feather quill from a pot on his desk and began writing on a piece of parchment. “So, with a few caveats, I’m going to give you your budget for next year in advance for the Ponyville operation. I—”

His words melted into honey as realisation washed over Veggie. She was safe; she was free! She had all the funding she needed for Ponyville! She could pull it back from the brink and be famous after all! Her blunder in sending off the budget early was all glossed over, and all it had taken was completely debasing herself in front of her closest subordinate and the pony keeping her job funded! Everything was just fine again.

“You may stop leaping around my office now, Veggie.” She snapped back to reality in mid-air, a girlish giggle still escaping her mouth. Her muscles contracted to brace for the imminent and unavoidable collision with Quango and she landed on top of him, throwing them both down into a heap. Vee poked her head out of the aftermath, blushing.

“S-sorry,” she said. “Just a little overexcited.” Quango added something from beneath her, voice muffled by the carpet his head was being shoved into.

“I can tell!” Red Tape said. “You were so excited, you began celebrating before I could even tell you about the conditions this offer is under!” he added jovially.

Veggie felt a shard of ice pierce her heart. “‘Conditions’?” she whimpered.

“Why yes! I mean, this is a rather expensive experiment; I need some form of guarantee that there’ll be a return on it,” he said.

Vee’s ears drooped. “I see…”

“Firstly, I wish to see some sort of result in a week’s time, just to see if I should pull the plug before I get mired in too deep,” he explained. Veggie nodded. “And secondly, I want you to personally oversee this operation. Hooves on the ground, as it were.”

“What?!” Veggie’s mouth hung open. “You’re going to force me to go to this backwater?”

Tape shrugged. “Well, if you don’t want the money…”

Veggie let out a shuddering sigh, imagining the cushy Canterlot apartment she now wasn’t going to see until Celestia knew when, and the various underlings of her think tank trying and failing to run the office in her absence. She gazed balefully at Red Tape, and the parchment beneath his hooves. Just another link in the chain the Treasury held around her neck. “So, fast results and a trip to the countryside? That’s all?” Her voice nearly broke again as Tape nodded. “I’m so… lucky?” Her teeth ground together as a meagre tendril of magic reached out to sign away her freedom for the second time in as many hours. Really a rather unfortunate habit to start forming, a part of her mused.

Red Tape looked down at the impromptu contract and smiled. “Now then, Ponyville... I really do pity you,” he said, shaking his head gently.

Veggie barely contained a moan of terror. “Why?”

“The town where Nightmare Moon made her return to the Earth? Discord’s planned capital of chaos? The hometown of the six Bearers of the Elements of Harmony?” Red Tape chuckled and wove a pattern in the air with his hooves. “Ponyville is a town where fate knots through it in such strange ways, Veggie. I give you a week, and either the townsfolk will cheer your name and carry you through the streets, or you’ll come crawling through that door begging for mercy.”

She buried her head in her hooves. “Well, thank you, sir,” she said through gritted teeth.

“Excellent!” Tape opened a desk drawer and pulled out a jar containing an eldritch green flame. “Ah, dragonfire. What would I do without it? Now then, it’s Thursday afternoon, so Mayor Mare down in Ponyville should be doing...” He consulted a diary on his desk. “Ah yes, absolutely ruddy nothing. The joys of a small-town bureaucrat, eh?” he said with a wink, scribbling out a note and dropping it into the jar. The parchment was incinerated in an instant, the ashes flying out of the window. He looked at the slumped form of Veggie. “Oh, don’t be so down in the dumps! I think the small-town air might do both of you some good!”

“You’re sending me down there as well?” Quango asked.

“Certainly! You’ve been Veggie Vee’s faithful shadow for quite some time now, Quango. And after all, you are the one who brought this to our attention in the first place,” Red Tape assured him. “I’m sure you’ll be happy to take a willing assistant, won’t you, Veggie?”

Veggie looked at Quango with a faltering smile. In her mind, she once again imagined her five-storey golden statue, but with a tiny plaque now bolted to the base, proclaiming: ‘and Quango, faithful assistant’. And then, the much more agreeable title: ‘Fall guy’. It was an acceptable compromise, she supposed. “Of course!” she said with a frozen grin.

“Wonderful!” A stream of ashes flew through the window, materialising into a scroll in front of Red Tape. “Ah, and my suspicions were correct. You have an appointment with Mayor Mare at four-thirty today in the Ponyville Town Hall. I imagine if you leave now, you can catch the train down in plenty of time. Remember to keep your receipts for expenses!”

Veggie grabbed the dossier with her magic. “Yes, sir! I won’t let you down, sir!” she barked, sounding less a pencil-pusher and more a new recruit to the Royal Guard.

Red Tape raised his eyebrows, before looking at her over steepled forehooves once more, a small smile chasing across his features. “I don’t doubt you will, Veggie, one way or another. Good luck, you two. I hope to read all about it in the papers.”

“Naturally, I shall be sending you the daily re—” Tape stopped her with a raised hoof.

“I meant the newspapers, Veggie. After all, you might as well make the biggest waves you can, no?” Tape leaned back in his chair.

“O-of course, sir!” Veggie stated. “With Celestia as my witness, I shall endeavour to succeed in my ventures, show courtesy to all, and fill all forms in triplicate, no exceptions!” Quango half-heartedly joined in the recital of the Royal Civil Servant’s Oath. “Come along, Quango, we have policies to enact, and paperwork to fill in. And for once, I’m all out of paperwork,” she said, an ecstatic grin on her face.

She turned about and trotted down the hallway, Quango trailing along behind her. The door closed behind them, and the two ponies boarded the elevator once more. He frowned at Veggie as she took a great intake of breath and let it out in a loud huff. “What’s gotten into you?” he asked.

“Whatever do you mean?” Veggie said, not meeting his gaze.

He rubbed the back of his neck. “No offence, Miss Vee, but you’re usually a rather… dignified pony. It really didn’t take much on Red Tape’s part to break you.”

“I warned you! This is the Treasury!” she hissed. “The ponies here have sacks of bits in place of souls! They’ll enslave you with gold!”

“If you knew that, why did you decide on such an expensive solution to Ponyville?” Veggie froze. “We could have just sent them a letter and let the mayor sort it out.” She screwed her eyes shut and raised a hoof slowly to her forehead. “Would have only cost the price of a stamp.”

She trembled for a moment before a manic grin crossed her face. “Because we don’t do things by half-measures!” Veggie exclaimed. “I will do anything to ensure the safety of Ponyville! Even if it means having to go there.”

“And now you’re acting all enthusiastic about this assignment?” He sighed. “Maybe we should reject Red Tape’s offer and take the cheaper option? Much as I like my job, no amount of money is worth sacrificing your sanity.”

“Nonsense! Can’t you feel it, Quango? Not only did we escape punishment, but we have been granted a golden opportunity for us to show off my potential!” she said, standing tall with a closed-eyed grin.

“‘Potential’.” He rolled his eyes and gave a snort. “You really are the most unique pony I’ve ever ever met, Miss Vee...”

“Thank you, Quango!”

“It wasn’t a compliment.”

Quango stared out of the window as the train to Ponyville rumbled down the track on the home stretch to its destination. The first-class compartment was animated to the sound of a battle plan being laid down, but he simply rested his head on his hoof as he let the words wash over him.

“It’s quite simple, really. We convince the ponies here that they’re killing themselves with their new eating habits, turn them to the joys of the fruit and vegetables they can find right outside their town, and they listen to my greater wisdom! Job done!” Veggie explained. She wore a pair of saddlebags stuffed with pamphlets, her other paraphernalia stored in cases in the luggage compartment.

Quango shuffled in his seat. “But... what if they don’t listen to us?”

“Well, we’ll just have to try harder until we succeed,” she conceded.

“And if that doesn’t work?” Veggie’s face began to contort into a scowl. “Contingency planning! That’s all!” he exclaimed.

Veggie tapped her chin in thought. “Quango, if I announced my intentions to jump out of the window of this carriage while the train is running at full speed, what would you do?”

Quango’s eyebrows shot up. “Uh... I’d tell you not to do it?”

“And if I ignored you?” Veggie grinned slightly.

He shrugged, paused for a moment, then offered, “I’d shout louder?”

“Still not listening!” Veggie sang, walking over to the window and pushing it open. A strong breeze blew in, scattering a couple of loose pamphlets and causing both ponies’ manes to fly wild. “What now?!”

“What are you doing?!” Quango exclaimed.

She shucked off her saddlebags, and half-climbed through the window, dangling her forelegs and most of her torso out. “Oh, I think this is such a good idea!” she bellowed over the sound of the wind.

“Miss Vee! STOP!” He leapt forward, grabbing the dark green tail in his mouth and yanking it back with all his strength. She flew back into the cabin, and the pair of ponies landed in a heap, Veggie laughing like she’d lost her mind. Oh dear Celestia, she’s snapped already… he thought.

“And that is how you put a pony back on the right path!” She laughed. “If they keep upping the ante, you just carry on following them until you overpower them. My little hero.” Veggie ruffled Quango’s mane with her hoof and climbed back to standing.

“Please don’t do anything like that to me again, Miss Vee,” he said breathily, still sprawled out on the carriage floor. “I have a nervous complex.”

“Call me Veggie, please! After all, you are my second-in-command now,” Vee said, still grinning.

“Oh... really?” A flush appeared on Quango’s face and he struggled upright, swiftly preening his ruffled feathers back into place. “Thank you, Miss... ahem, Veggie.”

“Oh yes! I’m feeling good! I’m feeling optimistic! The future’s bright, and we’re the ones shaping it, Quango!” Veggie struck a pose just as the train drew to a halt, the conductor calling out that they were now in Ponyville.

Quango stared at her. Yep, she’s definitely gone off the deep end. Amend shopping list: toothpaste, comb, straightjacket.

“Let’s go, then,” Veggie continued. “Our baggage will be held at the station until the mayor gives us our quarters.”

The two ponies put on their saddlebags and exited the train. Quango looked around, wide-eyed. “Heh, thatched houses and unfenced gardens. Imagine trying to build something like that in Canterlot,” he mused.

“We’re not here to sightsee, I’m afraid,” Veggie said with a poke to his shoulder. “Except the locals, I guess. What about that one?” She pointed with her hoof at a white unicorn, her indigo mane and tail beautifully coiffured into curls. A cutie mark of three diamonds was on her flank. “She looks a bit tubby.”

“How should I know?! I don’t have a tape measure!” Quango hissed. “We’re here to help them, not insult them!”

“A measurement of torso circumference is a very useful factor in estimating body fat percentage,” Veggie said huffily. “Although I suppose singling out a citizen would do our cause no favours.”

“Thank you. Now—”

“Of course, we need to make this standardised and measure everypony. Write that down, Quango.” She gestured vaguely to his saddlebags.

Quango glowered at her for a second, and then pulled out a notepad and pencil, holding the former in the crook of his hoof and writing down the reminder with his mouth. He put away the pad and landed, just as a pink blur intercepted the pair of bureaucrats. In front of them stood a pink earth pony with a veritable cloud of dark pink mane, her blue eyes sparkling in glee.

“Uh, hello...” Veggie began.

“Hi!” the pink pony exclaimed. “I’m Pinkie Pie! I know everypony there is to know in Ponyville, and I just know I've never seen you two around before! That must mean you’re new and”—she let out a huge gasp—“that means we need a super-duper, double sized, off-the-chart welcome party for the pair of you! It'll be so much fun!”

“Thank you, but—”

“And there'll be cake and games and music and the whole of Sugarcube Corner decked out! I’ll even have to compose a new song, just for you!”

"Wait!" Veggie shouted. Pinkie shut her mouth and fluttered her eyelids. “Did you say ‘Sugarcube Corner’?”

“Yepperoony! I’ve lived and worked there since I was a little filly! We do cakes and buns and cookies and cupcakes and muffins and eclairs and teacakes and macaroons and—”

“I think this is a very fortunate meeting, then!” Vee exclaimed hastily. “I’m Veggie Vee, and this is my assistant, Quango.” Pinkie met the introduction with a snort of laughter, and began bouncing around the pair, giggling.

“Veggie Vee and Pinkie Pie! Veggie Pie and Pinkie Vee! Hahahaha! Get it? It’s so similar! We could be sisters, except we’re complete opposites!” Veggie gave a sideways glance to Quango, who shrugged in return. As suddenly as she had started, Pinkie stopped, wobbling on the spot. “Anyway! Your party! It’ll find you! Be there, or be square!” She darted off into the distance.

“Thank Celestia that’s over,” Veggie sighed. She groaned as Pinkie sprinted back, skidding to a halt in front of them.

“And as you’re ponies, you can’t possibly be square, so you’re gonna be there! Remember that!” The pink blur exited the scene once more.

After a few moments of shell-shocked silence, Vee piped up, “Well, if you ever needed evidence of sugar overdoses killing brain cells, there you go.”

“Oh, I don’t know. I quite liked her. She seemed friendly enough,” Quango offered.

Veggie gave a chuckle. “I’ll need to keep an eye on you! I don’t want you going native,” she said.

“So, I take it the party’s off?” Quango said, standing to attention.

“Heavens, no!” Veggie slapped her forehead. “It’s not exactly a day trip to Tartarus. We have an opportunity to see how Ponyvillians have slipped so much! Perhaps their parties are now nothing more than orgies of cake-guzzling, and this Pinkie Pie is responsible!” The image of Pinkie at such a party made Quango’s ears burn. “Anyhow, that shall be later this evening. We have an appointment to make,” she continued, veering toward the grand old building of Ponyville Town Hall.

The two bureaucrats sat in the antechamber to Mayor Mare’s office, Quango twiddling his forehooves and Veggie sitting perfectly still. He nibbled on his forehoof as he looked at his superior. She was unblinkingly watching the clock, which stated it was twenty-two minutes past four. A young, cream earth pony mare was sitting at a small desk outside the office, apparently attempting to drill twin holes in the opposite wall with her dull glare.

“Y’know, she is literally doing nothing,” the secretary drawled, her head held up by a hoof. Her jaw masticated upon a piece of chewing gum, giving her the unflattering visage of a bored cow in a field. “Her last visitor left, like, an hour ago.”

“Our appointment is at half past four,” Veggie insisted.

“Well, yeah, but—”

“Half past four,” she reiterated.

“It’s just—”

“Half. Past. Four.”

The secretary sighed. “Are all you Canterlot types like this?” she muttered.

“Do you mean kempt, punctual and perpetually polite?” Veggie asked sweetly, fluttering her eyelashes like a schoolfilly.

“Uh...” The younger mare rubbed the side of her head and blinked. “Look, I don’t want any trouble. I’m only doing this internship ’cause the Mayor’s my auntie. You think I really care about all these griffon droppings?” She waved a hoof at the papers on her desk.

Veggie’s pleasant gaze flashed just for a moment, and she cleared her throat. “Actually, young lady, I think you’ll find that bureaucracy is the grease that keeps the cogs of Equestria spinning. You should consider yourself supremely lucky to be a part of it.”

“Rrright... well...” The secretary shrank back under the weight of Veggie’s gaze. “C-could you not, uh, do that? It’s… scary.”

“What do you mean? I am being perfectly friendly! Are you saying I’m intimidating you?” Veggie said, never blinking and still smiling.

“Um. N-no?” After a minute or so, the secretary capitulated and discreetly spat out her gum into the bin. A couple of minutes after that, she even extracted a pen from her drawer and fiddled with it, looking intently at the papers beneath her hooves.

Quango shuddered. He looked at Veggie, only to find her expression had returned to normal. She noticed his stare and shrugged. “What? Nothing to do with me! She just ‘discovered the joys of bureaucracy’,” Veggie muttered. She smiled and rubbed her forehooves together.

When the time had finally, agonisingly made it to half past four, Veggie jumped up and marched up to the door, rapping upon it with her hoof. The secretary raised an eyebrow at Quango, who shrugged. “Just humour her,” he mouthed.

The door was opened by an older beige mare, her mane and tail turned silver by age. She smiled in welcome at the pair of ponies. “Well, hello! You must be Veggie Vee and Quango!” Mayor Mare said, extending a hoof. Veggie took the proffered limb and shook it. “Welcome to Ponyville! I must say, this is an unusual occasion; we don’t normally have official visitors down from Canterlot.”

“An unusual occasion indeed,” Veggie confirmed. “We’re here from the Healthy Eating and Reduction of Obesity Board of Equestria, or just H.E.R.O. for short.” She enunciated every letter in the acronym separately.

“Well, I suppose you must be heroes of some description, eh?” the mayor said with a chuckle.

Veggie simply cocked her head to one side and blinked a couple of times, a blank smile on her face. “Beg pardon?” she asked.

Mayor Mare’s smile froze, and she opened her mouth a moment before speaking, “Uh... I mean, you know, it spells out ‘hero’... your organisation’s name...”

“Quite.” Veggie nodded vigorously. “I suppose I could be described as a hero, yes. Considering our mission here.”

The older mare’s mouth flapped open, before she shut it again and shook her head. Her brow furrowed. “Yes, your superior did neglect to tell me what exactly was so urgent about our meeting. I assume it must be important...”

“It is!” Veggie pulled out the dossier from earlier. “Look here.”

Mayor Mare peered over her half-moon glasses at the figures. “I don’t really see what the issue is here...” she began.

“The issue, Mayor, is that the town you’re in charge of has become the worst settlement for sugar consumption in the whole of Equestria!” Veggie exclaimed.

The mayor’s face fell. “Is that so? I thought it would be rather more... important than that.”

Veggie blanched. “Important? Important?!” she screeched. “Do you not realise the gravity of this situation?! Right now, right outside of that window, there are ponies killing themselves with their dietary choices!”

“We’ve never had this problem before...” Mayor Mare said uncertainly.

“Exactly! Six months ago, only Cloudsdale and Hoofington were better than Ponyville. It’s such a swift fall in ranking. Something must have conspired to cause this shift in eating patterns,” Veggie said, now pacing back and forth like a scheming general.

“Be as that may, Miss Vee, I’m not entirely sure what two ponies could do about this.” The mayor stopped as Veggie looked at her with a predatory smile.

“Subsidies, my dear mayor. I have a sizeable portion of the Royal Treasury at my disposal. I can offer rewards to fund healthy eating and exercise, and ensure sugary foods become less... alluring,” she said, framed by the low afternoon sun shining through the window.

“Oh?”

“Indeed! If we can drag Ponyville out of the bottom of the league table, I can guarantee the money will come flowing in. Say, one hundred thousand bits for the initial poster campaigns and tax breaks?”

Mayor Mare froze. She reached into a drawer in her desk, and pulled out a calculator and pad of paper. After a moment’s calculating and frantic scribbling, her face lit up. “Miss Vee... perhaps I've been a little too hasty,” she crooned. “I completely understand your concerns for our town. And I think you’re probably right: Ponyville really has let itself go recently. So, of course, if you were going to sign off on such a subsidy, you would have my full support in all of your efforts!”

Veggie grinned and pulled herself up to her full height. “Well, perfect! I think an announcement to the town would be in order, would it not?”

The mayor’s face fell. “Well, why not? I’ll make sure everypony is notified,” she conceded. “Although, I’ll imagine you can tell most ponies about it tonight at your welcoming party.” As Quango did a double-take, she chuckled and explained, “I’ve lived in this town long enough to know that anypony new in town will get a Pinkie party whether they like it or not.”

“That’s settled, then! I promise you, Mayor Mare, that this town will be ship shape in no time!” Veggie exclaimed.

“And rolling in wonga...” Mayor Mare muttered to herself.

“...‘wonga’, yes,” Veggie said uncertainly. “What a… quaint word to use.” She turned to the pegasus beside her. “Well, Quango, I suppose we’d better secure somewhere to stay.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that! I’ve already made the arrangements for your stay. I had another pony down from Canterlot stay there, and she liked it so much she never left!” the mayor said with a grin, placing a foreleg around Vee’s shoulders. “Believe me, Veggie, I will be supporting you in everything, no matter what that consists of.”

Away in Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie was busy with Mrs. Cake, preparing the confectionery for the party. The hyperactive pony’s left forehoof suddenly shook, and Pinkie paused to look at it. “Hmmm... left forehoof shake... tail puff... oooh! Nose twinge...” she said, rattling off each action as her Pinkie Sense caused it. “...aaaaand WHOA!”

A lightning bolt went down Pinkie’s spine, causing her back to arch and her to do an involuntary back flip. She landed on all four hooves, Mrs. Cake looking at her.

“Are you alright, dear?” she asked.

“Oh, I’m fine, Mrs. Cake! Just my Pinkie Sense!” Pinkie replied.

“Oh?” Her eyebrows raised in curiosity. “And what did that mean?”

“I don’t know... but it’s a doozy, one heck of a doozy... and it’s coming right this way.”

Virtuous Visitor Vouches

View Online

Vee for Vendetta

By Melon Hunter

Chapter 2: Virtuous Visitor Vouches

Veggie hummed to herself happily in the evening sunshine. She had been expecting some sort of resistance from the mayor; after all, it would make sense such a backward town would have elected an equally ignorant official. However, she had been pleasantly surprised by Mayor Mare's receptiveness to her plans, and now, walking through the town, greeting various locals, she couldn't help but feel the quest for a healthy Ponyville would be a piece of cak—piece of fruit.

Her ears perked up as she realised the sound of hoofsteps beside her had fallen silent. Veggie's head whipped around. "Hurry up, Quango!" she exclaimed.

"Uggghhh... yes, Ms. Vee," Quango groaned. Fortunately, he had volunteered himself to pull the cart full of luggage, leaving Veggie to trot along happily, barely encumbered at all while she chattered to the mayor. The vehicle—in defiance of all transit conventions—lacked wheels; some odd quirk she supposed was just part and parcel of the primitive rural life. She felt a flicker of sympathy as he strained with his shoulders, continuing to carve a shallow furrow in the street. The life of a civil servant could be brutal indeed.

"So, what exactly is our accommodation?" Veggie asked, turning her attention back to Mayor Mare.

"The town library," the mayor replied. "It has a few guest rooms built—well, carved into it." Vee gave her a quizzical look. "It's a living tree, you see."

Veggie chuckled and shook her head. "Oh, I forget how quaint rural Equestria can be sometimes! Books made from dead trees, stored in a tree? Marvellous! Such inventive ways of telling nature who's boss!" She pursed her lips. "And you say somepony lives there already?"

Mayor Mare nodded. "Why, yes! I'm quite surprised you don't know who it is, actually..."

Vee shrugged. "Not my department. That would be under Libraries and Municipal Academic Organisations."

"No, no, it's a rather famous case, actually—"

"Isn't everypony's town feted for some reason?" Veggie said. "I'm sure they're very famous around these parts for the record-breaking marrow they grew or such, but of course, that sort of news doesn't spread far, you realise?"

"But she was in Canterlot, don't you remember?" Mayor Mare protested.

Veggie smiled, and nodded slowly. “Yeees...” she said with all the speed of a glacier. “She went to Canterlot? I’m sure that makes her a local celebrity. But, really, it's not something we would register. Never mind; I'm sure she's a lovely pony nonetheless."

Mayor Mare opened her mouth, before apparently thinking better of it, and promptly shut it again. A few moments later, they reached the tree in question, and the earth pony rapped smartly on the door. There was the sound of footsteps, and the door was opened, not by a pony, but by a diminutive baby dragon.

"Uhhh... Hi?" he said tentatively.

"Ah, hello, Spike," the mayor said. "The visitors I told you about have arrived!" She motioned to Vee, who was standing there with an awkward, frozen smile on her face, and to Quango, who was still lagging behind with the bags. "Could you go and get Twilight so we can sign this off, please?" She widened her grin and cocked her head toward Veggie a few times, a pleading look in her eyes.

Spike scratched his head. "Well, if you're sure. I mean, Twi's kinda busy right now—"

"Please?" Mayor Mare said.

The dragon sighed, and trailed off into the library. Veggie turned to the mayor, frozen grin still there. "Well! Why didn't you say it was a dragon?" she asked.

"Uh... I didn't?"

"I mean, it's so wonderful to see rural folk embracing diversity these days and I—" Veggie's speech was suddenly arrested. Her eyes widened, and every muscle in her body went taut, a foreleg rising into a perfect military salute.

Quango finally caught up with the luggage. "Whew! And I thought spring-cleaning the archives was hard work!" he said. He dumped the cart's harness on the ground, before peering suspiciously up at his immobile superior. "What's up with her?"

Veggie trembled for a second, before she erupted with a near-incomprehensible string of noise. "PrincessTwilightSparklehappytoservema'ampleasuretobeinyourpresencema'amVeggieVeeatyourservicema'am!"

"Ah... Yes." In the library's lobby stood a purple alicorn, half a head taller than the other assembled ponies. It struck Veggie that she was unadorned with ornaments or clothing, and she lacked the air of pomp and circumstance that always seemed to surround the elder Princesses of Equestria. To somepony who found said pomp and circumstance rather comforting, this was utterly terrifying. "Welcome to Ponyville!" she said. A bemused expression appeared on her face as she regarded the statuesque Vee. "You can stop saluting now," she said with a giggle.

With great delicacy, Veggie lowered her foreleg to the ground. "Yes, Your Highness," she murmured.

Twilight shook her head and smiled. "Please, call me Twilight," she said. "I know you're Civil Service, but really, I try to keep myself apart from politics and hierarchy." She reached out with a hoof.

The pegasus shook it. "I'm Quango, her assistant," he said. He shot Vee a meaningful glance.

Veggie reached up delicately, her muscles so tight it was almost possible to hear them creaking as they flexed. She barely touched Twilight's hoof, before snatching her limb away as though she'd brushed a hot stove. "Vee, Veggie Vee." She suddenly blanched. "That is, my name is Veggie Vee. I said 'Vee Comma Veggie Vee'. I realise a few ponies have three-word names, but that's not me. I mean, it would be strange to have two of the same words in your name, wouldn't it? Oh, Celestia, I mean—" She slapped her hoof against her mouth. "Ididn'tmeantoblaspheme!" she squeaked.

"It's fine," Twilight said. "I had everything explained to me earlier. Please, make yourself at home." She shot a glare at Mayor Mare. "After all, this library that is also my home is still public property, isn't it?"

"If you want the place, then make Equestria a republic," the Mayor muttered. She gave a wide smile to Twilight. "Why, yes!"

Twilight frowned, and indicated to an open door on the second floor of the library. "Your room is up—" Veggie scampered past her, up the stairs, into the bedroom and slammed the door. "—there." She looked down at the dragon beside her. “Now, I'm afraid I have a magical experiment I need to urgently attend to, but if you need something, don't hesitate to ask my assistant Spike." Her horn lit up, and she vanished in a flash.

Quango blinked, and looked behind him, only to find that Mayor Mare had already wandered off. "Was it something I said?" he muttered.

"Good ol' Sidekick Syndrome, huh?" Spike said. The little dragon had walked up to stand beside the pegasus, and was regarding the mountain of luggage beside him. He let out a low whistle. "Man, your boss could give Rarity a run for her money in overpacking! Need a helping hoof?"

"That would be appreciated." The pair seized up a couple of bags each, and began to haul them into the hollowed tree. "I really am sorry in advance for anything Miss Vee does, says, asks, changes or looks at. She's one of those very particular ponies..."

Spike grinned. "Everything's gotta be just so? And if it isn't, the whole world gets turned upside-down by her trying to make it right?"

Quango nodded. "However did you guess?"

"Lifetime's service to Equestria's most neurotic unicorn, and now, alicorn. You get to know that type." Spike clapped Quango on the shoulder. "I reckon we're gonna get on just fine..." They dumped the bags and went to retrieve the rest. "So, Quango, huh? Unusual name."

"That's about right." The pegasus looked down at his cutie mark. "I think my parents knew I was going into bureaucracy from the day I was born. I'll admit"—he adjusted the glasses on his face—"I'm probably one of ‘those ponies’ to some degree, too."

The dragon shrugged. "Well, as long you don't insist on recataloguing the library, it won't really matter." They brought the rest of the luggage up to the room. "So, you wanna check on her?" he asked, indicating the door.

Quango nodded, and bit his lip as he opened the door, hearing a weird, faint gasping noise coming from inside the room. He pushed it open, only to see Veggie lying on her side on one of the twin beds, her eyes staring unseeingly at the far wall, a paper bag wrapped around her snout. "Uh... Ms. Vee?"

"Oh gosh oh gosh oh gosh I've ruined everything," Veggie moaned, her voice muffled by the bag. "I used Celestia's name in vain right in front of her and the campaign's not going to be good enough for her, she'll turn me into a frog or something and then I'll spend the rest of my life sat on a lily pad..."

"Ms. Vee!"

"How am I supposed to catch flies with my tongue?!" The exclamation was enough to shock Veggie's body, if not her mind, out of its catatonic state, as the unicorn sprang up and seized Quango by his torso, pinning the pegasus to the wall with her forelegs and her madmare's glare. She blinked a few times, and backed down. "Er... I mean, thank you, Quango. For bringing the bags up." She sat in the middle of the room, tapping a hoof against the ground.

Quango sighed. "Is everything alright?"

"Fine! Just fine!" Veggie let out a nervous giggle. her voice began to rise to a crescendo. "I mean, it's not like we're under the same roof as Equestria's newest princess, are we? And it's not like we're about to announce that her townsponies are a bunch of lardflanks right in front of her, is it? And we're about to have a party surrounded by the same ponies we're about to try and convert to healthy eating while they guzzle cake and punch and... and... whatever else it is fat ponies guzzle!" She suddenly realised she was near-shouting and clamped a hoof over her muzzle. "Do you think they heard that?" she whimpered.

The pegasus went and grabbed Veggie's saddlebags, and brought them over, before gently guiding Vee to a writing desk. "I don't think they heard a thing," he said reassuringly. "Now why don't you just sit down and have a nice planning session, hmm? Get your thoughts in order?"

"Y-Yes... A nice b-bit of planning," Veggie said hesitantly. "You're such a good second-in-command, Quango..."

"Um... sure," the stallion said. "Now, why don't I leave you to it, and I'll go with Spike to get ready for the party."

"And to do some explaining," Spike glowered. "Lardflanks?" he asked, as he walked off with Quango, shutting the door behind him.

Veggie let out a long, shuddering breath, pulling out some paper and the all-important statistical memo from her saddlebags. She smoothed out the stationary on the desk, and inked a quill, sketching out some plans for the days ahead. She came up with soundbites and one-liners to deliver to worried citizens, and prototypes of posters and pamphlets. As she returned to her comfort zone, Vee slowly felt herself calming down. Perhaps Quango was right, that nothing untoward would come from Princess Twilight being their host. She just wished that whoever was making all that noise in the library would be quiet...

The unicorn gave a start as a knock came at the door. "Come in!" she called. There was no answer, but another knock came. "I heard you the first time; come in!" Yet another knock. "Hello?" Veggie jumped to her hooves with an irritated snort and walked to the doorway, pulling the door open. "I said—"

"SURPRRRRRISE!"

"Aiiieeeeeeeee~!"

On the face of it, Pinkie felt that her Surprisingly Secretive Secret Surprise Welcome Party had been a resounding success; Spike had managed to keep Quango out of the way of the library while they were setting up, and Veggie Vee had apparently locked herself away while preparations were going on. Neither had suspected a thing!

Of course, there had been the slight complication of Veggie being so surprised by the SSSSWP, she had leapt out of the window in fright, sustaining multiple lacerations from the shattered glass and spraining her ankle as she hit the ground. There had then been a half-hour delay as the partygoers attempted to catch the skittish unicorn, who had tried to escape the town, limping in the direction of the Everfree Forest while yelling something about princesses and frogs.

Now though, everypony was back in the swing of things, Pinkie hovering by Veggie as the unicorn had her wounds tended to by Nurse Redheart.

"Please hold still," Redheart implored Veggie, swabbing the final facial wound with iodine.

"I'm tryin—ow!" Vee grimaced from the stinging antiseptic, and sighed as the nurse put a sticking plaster over the cut.

"Keep the plasters on overnight, and the healing enchantment should take care of the rest," the earth pony said. "Take care of yourself, now!" She packed up her first aid kit and walked away, leaving Veggie with Pinkie.

Pinkie hopped closer to Veggie, fixing the unicorn with her biggest, brightest smile. "Hi!" She exclaimed. "How d'you like your surprise party?"

"It was very... um, surprising," Veggie ventured. She gazed around the library, which was now chock full of ponies dancing and chatting. “Where’s Princess Twilight?”

“Oh, she’s busy!” Pinkie said. “She’s doing some experiment in the basement and won’t let anypony down there. I snuck in there for a bit, and saw some glowy thing. There was a flying city, and Twilight kept throwing salt and food and stuff at it and kept saying things about a lighthouse…” She scratched her head. “I dunno! Science-y things, I guess!”

Veggie looked around desperately for something to distract Pinkie. She took one look at the large table in the corner, the surface positively sagging under the weight of cakes, confectionary, pastries and a large bowl of syrupy punch. An involuntary shudder passed through her body.

"Hungry?" Pinkie asked. Before Vee had a chance to respond, she dragged the unicorn over to the table. The glucose-spiked air made Veggie swoon, and it took a will of iron to ignore every fibre of her being screaming at her to sweep the whole tooth-rotting lot to the floor. "Pick out anything you want! I baked this all myself!"

Veggie blinked at the mountain of treats. "All of it?" she asked weakly. "But we only got here three hours ago!"

Pinkie gave a pfft and waved a hoof dismissively. "Eh, y'know, it's not that hard once you work out the oven settings." She whipped a cream cake off the top of the pile and pressed it into Vee's hooves before the unicorn could react. "Here, try this if you're having trouble deciding!"

Veggie stared at the horrifying object she was now holding, a reedy whine of panic emerging from the back of her throat as she realised she was going to have to eat the toxic thing. Vee's body was a temple, and now the Daring Do of cakes was going to raid her digestive system! She looked up to see Pinkie smiling at her expectantly, and knew, just knew, that whatever excuse she trotted out not to have to eat the cake wouldn’t be enough to satisfy the mania shining in those bright blue eyes.

Resigning herself to her fate, Veggie brought the cake toward her face with all the speed of a glacier. Her tongue poked out, and she licked the tiniest morsel of cream for the top of the cake. The sugar and the fat sent her taste-buds into overload, leaving the unicorn immobilised and unable to swallow. She whimpered in fear as the miniscule dollop of dairy product sat in her mouth.

“No, silly, that’s not how you eat a cake!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Like this!” Her hoof came up, and shoved the confection fully into Veggie’s mouth.

Vee reared up as she realised she was choking on the mass of pastry. No! I can’t go this way! Not by cake! She stumbled backward until she hit a wall, and slumped to the ground, the shock of the impact being enough to make her swallow the confectionary. She sat on the floor, shivering. “Feels like I just ate a concrete bowling ball…” she groaned, rubbing her aching stomach.

“Wow! I’ve never anypony act like that when they ate one of my cakes before!” Pinkie said. She bounced over to the collapsed unicorn and bounced up and down excitedly. “Didja like it? Huh? Huh?”

Veggie glowered up at her. “You startled me to the point that I jumped through a window pane, and now you’ve nearly asphyxiated me with a cake. Please, for the love of Celestia, go and bother my co-worker before you actually succeed in killing me.” She pointed at Quango, who was stood by himself at the foot of the staircase, looking uncomfortable.

“But—”

“Just go.”

Pinkie grinned. “Okie dokie lokie! Hope you have fun!” She hopped away, apparently completely unaware of the death glare Veggie was giving her.

Vee sat back and sighed heavily. It was worse than she thought; not only were the eating habits of these ponies utterly ruinous, they were all utterly insane! She thought she could hold back the tide, but now she’d count herself lucky to survive the week.

“Heh. Needed a little rest after your first encounter with Pinkie as well?” a voice asked. It had an accented twang; a sound you wouldn’t hear in the culturally sterile halls of the Civil Service. Vee looked up at a smiling orange earth pony. A slightly shorter yellow mare with a curly orange mane stood beside her.

“Uh… yes,” Veggie said cautiously. She squinted at the two earth ponies’ cutie marks. Three apples, and a bunch of carrots. Yes. OH YES. I’ve found somepony sane. “Yes!” she suddenly exclaimed. “Oh gosh, I thought I was doomed! I thought everypony was in league with her!”

The orange mare laughed, and fiddled with her Stetson hat. “Whoa there, missy. Now Ah realise it might be a bit of a culture shock havin’ a party like this to your hoity-toity Canterlot sensibilities, but Pinkie’s as good a pony as any, and everypony’s her friend. Nothing suspicious about it.”

“She tried to murder me with a cake!” Veggie hissed.

“Just Pinkie bein’ Pinkie,” she said with a shrug.

Just Pinkie being Pinkie?! They justify this madmare’s actions? Veggie gaped at the two earth ponies, before smiling. “Well, as long as Pinkie is being Pinkie a healthy distance away from me, I’m sure it’ll be fine,” she said.

The larger mare grinned, and held out a hoof to pull Veggie to her hooves. “Eh, you’ll get used to her,” she said. She tipped her hat toward Vee. “Name’s Applejack, by the way. And this is mah neighbour Golden Harvest, though everypony calls her Carrot Top, for obvious reasons. Your associate said you were down here on some Civil Service job? Mind tellin’ us what it is?”

“Of… of course.” Veggie said. She breathed an internal sigh of relief that ‘her associate’ hadn’t blabbed any more, and cast a furtive glance around. “Is there anywhere more private we could talk about this? You’re exactly the sort of ponies I want to talk to about this, but I’d rather not be overheard by somepony less… supportive.” She glared at Pinkie, who was now assailing a startled Quango with her friendship offensive.

“Well, the kitchen seemed pretty quiet,” Carrot Top piped up.

“Perfect!” Vee snatched up a few napkins from the cake table, as well as a convenient—if inexplicably placed—quill. Carrot led the trio towards the kitchen. “I’m sure you’re going to love this.”

Pinkie wiped her brow with a hoof. It had been a couple of hours since the party had wrapped up, and she’d offered her help in clearing up. Quango had hung around her all evening; whether it was out of friendliness or fascination about her baking, she couldn’t tell. It didn’t matter to her; she was happy to have made a new friend.

"You know, I can't remember the last time I went to something as festive as this!" Quango exclaimed. His wings drooped as looked at the detritus covering every surface in the kitchen. "I can't really remember the last time I saw a mess like this, either..."

"All part of the party!" Pinkie replied. "Besides, who says that clean-up can't be fun?" She picked up a spare mop and tossed it to the pegasus, before rearing up on her hind legs and taking up her own broom. She nodded to Quango, who stared at her for a moment, slowly adopting the same posture as her.

Pinkie grinned, and began to sweep her broom back and forth rhythmically. She opened her mouth and burst into song.

"You can clean it if you try,
It'll be a rush,
The mess will go bye-bye,
With a mop, sweep and a brush!"

She began to walk to and fro, using her bushy tail to sweep the counters clean. Quango elected not to brush, instead staring at her open-mouthed.

"It’s not very much,
Just put it in the bin,
That's the magic touch,
Don't forget the recycl...ing?"

Pinkie's song came to a stop as a certain napkin was caught in an updraught from her broom and propelled onto her nose. It had some kind of drawing on it, but she couldn't tell what, staring cross-eyed down her snout. She pulled the refuse off and unfolded it.

As Quango tentatively took up the cleaning—and singing—duties behind her, Pinkie's eyes widened as she read the paper. Something about tax breaks... fruit and vegetable farmers... government funding... sugar restrictions... Wait, sugar restrictions?! Candy taxes... Sugarcube Corner being shut down?! Her eyes flitted about the page in panic. Veggie Vee... Her name was written in the top corner. Of course it would be her! The paper rustled as Pinkie quivered in anger. Not just that, but under a heading of 'Key Allies' were the names of Applejack and Carrot Top. Her own friends had betrayed her. They were going to kill Mr. and Mrs. Cake's business, all for a hoofful of bits! How dare they? How dare they?!

"Uh... Are you alright, Miss Pie?" Quango asked. He had stopped singing and was leaning on his mop. "One moment you were singing about cleaning, the next you're staring at that paper and muttering 'how dare they?'"

Pinkie stayed silent for a second, before letting out a snort of laughter. "Oh, just somepony drawing something mean on this napkin! It's nothing!" She made a show of screwing it into a ball, tossing it into the air and kicking it away with a hind hoof—kicking it in just the right way so that it would fly through the open window into the flowerbed, where she could retrieve it later.

"If you insist," he said. His face lit up, and he clutched his mop eagerly. "Could you teach me some more of that song?"

"Sure!" Pinkie began sweeping and singing again, Quango in tow. But behind her cheerful facade, a plan of retribution began to form. Something that would require the might of the Ponyville Bakers and Sweetmakers Committee, and something that would make sure that Veggie Vee never dared darken the doorway of Sugarcube Corner again.

Sweet Apple Acres would never know what hit it.

Vocal Vehemence Vented

View Online

Vee for Vendetta

By Melon Hunter

Chapter 3: Vocal Vehemence Vented

Mrs. Cake sat at the head of the table, observing the hullabaloo in front of her with a bored expression, resting her head on her forehoof. It had been a good fifteen minutes since Pinkie had read out the contents of the napkin, and the din had managed to sustain itself ever since, a maelstrom of outrage occasionally underpinned by a tossed éclair or cupcake. Just like any other Ponyville Bakers and Sweetmakers Committee meeting, really.

“C-Could we all just calm down, please?” Mr. Cake said trepidatiously, timidly tapping the chairpony’s gavel against the table. “Order, please…” He stopped as his wife turned her gaze to him and shook her head. Enough was enough. Sweet and homely she might try to be, but the matriarch of the Cake family was going to have to rear her head. Cup Cake held out her hoof and he slid the wooden hammer to her. She caught it, stood up on her hindlegs and leaned on the table, taking a deep breath and filling her lungs.

“QUUUIIIEEEETTTTT!” she bellowed, slamming the gavel down on the table as hard as she could. The deafening row died down to near silence in an instant, each pony looking up at her in shock.

“...and then I shoved a cake in her face and she didn’t even like it!” Well, almost everypony.

“Um, Pinkie?” The pink pony finished her diatribe and looked up at Mrs. Cake expectantly. “Thank you, dear.” She cleared her throat and blushed slightly. “Sorry for raising my voice, everypony. Now, as I’m sure you’re all aware, our… visitors from Canterlot have brought some unwelcome news with them.”

“Unwelcome?!” one pony cried. “They’re going to tax us all out of business!”

Mrs. Cake nodded. “Yes, Strawberry Cheesecake, that would so… if everything on that napkin was true.” She looked around at the gathered ponies. “Now, I’m not entirely sure if that’s the case… this seems like an awfully drastic plan, given the civil servants only arrived yesterday. Does anypony else think that?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to say all along!” Bon Bon piped up. Her supporters nodded and stamped their hooves, staring across the long table at their detractors. “Why do we suddenly have to start playing along just because Pinkie found some doodles on a piece of rubbish, huh? Who’s to say it’s not just a prank?”

A loud gasp came from the other side. “I would never prank anypony about something like that!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Veggie Vee wants to shut down Sugarcube Corner! I know it! When I saw her last night, I knew she was one of those nasty, fun-hating, cake-squishing meanie ponies!” She huffed and scowled at Bon Bon. “Even if she’s not able to do what she wrote down, nopony should want to make us stop eating candy!” Her ears drooped, and she stared down at the table. “Especially when some of those ponies are my friends…”

Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “Of course the farmers would back her up. They’d do anything for a break; have you seen how much Applejack tries to butter up Rainbow Dash so she gets the optimum amount of rain?” She shrugged her shoulders. “It’s just business, Pinkie. They’re not getting at you personally.”

“Doesn’t matter! We can’t just let this slide!” a pale green mare next to Pinkie cried. “This Veggie Vee has to tell the town at some point, right? We should make sure everypony knows she’s wrong!”

“Exactly! Saltwater Taffy’s right!” Pinkie said, nodding vehemently and smiling.

“Or we could just let this whole thing blow over, ‘cause this Veggie Vee can’t do anything to Ponyville…” Bon Bon grumbled. “What do you expect her to do? Set up a dictatorship like Trixie did?”

“Y’know, BB, you sound like you want to go out of business,” Lyra crooned, snuggling up against the cream mare. “Are you secretly trying to spend more time with me?” She began nuzzling Bon Bon, causing a deep blush to raise on the earth pony’s cheeks.

“Er, yes. Moving swiftly on,” Mrs. Cake interjected, desperately tapping the gavel to draw everypony’s horrified attention away from the public display of affection. “I think Taffy has a good compromise. We have no reason to think Veggie Vee has any real power in Ponyville, or that the Civil Service wants us out of business. But neither should we just ignore it in the hope it goes away.” She picked up the napkin, grimacing slightly at the faint stickiness the note had after being handled by so many hooves. “Apparently, she will be giving a speech at Sweet Apple Acres this evening. I think that would be as good an opportunity as any to make some noise of our own. Any takers?”

Pinkie’s hoof shot into the air. “Oooh! Oooh! Me! Pick me! I’ll do it, Mrs. Cake!”

Cup Cake bit her lip and gazed around the hall. “Anypony?” The pink hoof began to wave back and forth. “Aaanypony at all?” Pinkie began to hop up and down. “No takers?” Pinkie began turning cartwheels and to Cup’s disappointment, everypony else in the hall was now gazing expectantly at Pinkie, eyes alight with amusement. “Very well.” she sighed. “Pinkie Pie, you will be our… representative tonight.”

Pinkie leapt in the air. “Yes! I have just the plan!” she exclaimed. “We’re going to make the biggest, loudest, amazing-est protest ever! I’ll need a record player, my Mare-Do-Well costume, some fireworks… ooh, ooh, ooh!” She zipped over around the table to Bon Bon. “And some of your voice-changing gum drops!”

Bon Bon leaned back in her chair as far as she could. “Pinkie, what in Equestria are you planning?” she asked slowly.

Pinkie grinned widely. “A surprise,” she said.

Veggie hummed happily as she surveyed her notes in the early evening sunshine. Having talked to the farmers last night, she had been able to write the best speech of her entire career. Well, to be fair, it was the only speech of her career, what with her having a desk job and all. But a little fact like that wasn’t going to get in the way of her pride.

She faltered and groaned as her stomach let out a rumble of discontent. She still hadn’t fully gotten over the shock of being forced to consume the cream cake last night. Veggie glowered to herself. That pink menace was going to pay for that dearly.

“Y’know, Pinkie Pie was a very nice pony to get to know,” Quango piped up, walking beside her.

Veggie’s head whipped around to him as she realised she’d growled the ‘pink menace’ line out loud. “What?”

He cowered back slightly. “W-well, it’s just, aren't we preaching to the choir here? Applejack and her fellow farmers were always going to support us; you seem to think that everypony else will just go crazy if you tell them you’re taking away their sugar!” Quango scratched his head. “If you ask me, everyone in this town is just as friendly, there’s just been some misunderstanding, that’s all.”

Veggie stared at him for a moment, before chuckling and patting his head. “Oh, don’t go native on me, Quango! If these rural ponies were able to competently navigate their own lives, would there be any need for the Civil Service?”

“Uh…”

“Exactly. You saw the ways that this Pinkie Pie tried to break me last night! She knows,” Veggie insisted.

Quango raised an eyebrow. “No I didn't, and no she doesn't?” he said.

“So, it makes sense to gather as many allies as possible, before revealing our plans to the lesser-minded ponies in town!” Vee explained, oblivious to his protests. “When their own brethren are telling them about the wonders of healthy eating, they’ll have no choice but to follow the herd!” She smiled at Quango expectantly.

He looked at her, open-mouthed. “These ponies are the same as us, Veggie! If you’d just give them some respe—”

“Quango, if they were the same as us, they’d be living in Canterlot—in civilisation—not out in the sticks. There’s a reason we live apart,” she said primly. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that, we just need to come down from the ivory tower from time to time!” Before Quango could respond, she looked up and grinned, folding her notes away. They had reached the entrance to Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack stood next to the gate, smiling and waving in greeting.

“Well howdy, Miss Vee!” she said. “Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres! We’ve really been lookin’ forward to havin’ you here today!” She began to lead the two bureaucrats into the orchards, trotting at a brisk pace. Quango took to the air to keep up. “Carrot Top and Ah spread the word, and every farmer in Ponyville’s come to hear what y’all can do for us.”

Veggie beamed at her. “It’s the least I can do. After last night’s… festivities… I can’t help but feel that the sweet makers in this town have the upper hoof. I want to bring some hope back to the farmers of Ponyville!”

“Shucks, Miss Vee, Ah appreciate it and all, but we’re all friends in Ponyville. Heck, Pinkie and Ah are so close, our friendship helped bring Princess Luna to her senses!” Applejack said with a chuckle. “We do just fine for ourselves, but obviously, if somepony comes along saying she can make us do better than that, well… we’ll be very interested to hear what she’s got to say.” She turned her head to Veggie and grinned.

“No doubt…” Quango said, rolling his eyes.

Veggie shot a furious glance at him, then put on her most charming smile. “Well, I appreciate quality. I always make sure to buy Sweet Apple Acres apples, and I absolutely am not saying that just to further my good reputation with you,” she said.

Applejack gave her an odd look, raising her eyebrows, before giving Vee an uncertain smile. “You don’t say?” she said slowly. “Well, that’s a great thing to hear! Ah’m sure you’ll be pleased to know there’ll be plenty of apples for y’all to sample once we get to the farm proper!”

The three ponies walked for a couple more minutes, exchanging small talk and—in Veggie’s case—espousing thinly-veiled diatribes about a certain hyperactive baker. They reached the farmstead, where a crowd of excited ponies were chatting to one another, surrounded by tables containing various apple-based snacks.

Veggie’s heart skipped a beat as she noticed the abundance of pastry amongst the food. She gazed at Applejack with pity. These poor ponies had been fooled by Pinkie Pie and her cabal into thinking this was healthy eating! These poor, defiled apples made a mockery of fruit! How could—

“It’s her!” came a cry. The assembled ponies looked up at Veggie, their faces lighting up. Vee felt a surge of pride as they surrounded her, wittering excitedly. This was exactly what she’d hoped for! Admiration! Adoration! Being the saviour of a town! She could hear them now:

“Thank you, Veggie Vee!”

“You’re our hero!”

“Sign my foal!”

“So… tax breaks?”

Veggie was suddenly jerked out of her daydream, eyelids springing open. “Huh?”

“Yeah, we were going to get subsidies, weren’t we?” one of the crowd asked.

“That’s what I came here for,” another said. The group began nodding and agreeing with one another.

“Cold hard bits, straight from the Royal Treasury!” Carrot Top crowed.

“Reckon you can get us our cutie marks, too?!” a red-maned filly cried, bouncing above the heads of the adults to be seen.

Applejack laughed, pushing her way through the mass of ponies to the centre. “Now, simmer down, Apple Bloom. And the rest of you; give our visitors some breathin’ space!” The farmers backed off a little, eyes still gleaming with the promise of money. “Now then. How’s about you two introduce yourselves to our little band of growers?”

Vee puffed up with pride, and beamed at the gathered ponies. “Of course! I am Veggie Vee, and this is my associate Quango. I am here to represent the Equestrian Civil Service in this town. More specifically, the Healthy Eating and Reduction of Obesity board!” She gazed expectantly at the group around her. They were still excited, but they didn’t seem any more excited. Which was odd… the Civil Service was taking an interest! In their little backwater! What else did they want? Unperturbed, Veggie cleared her throat and tried again. “So, there have been certain… irregularities in the statistics, and—” She was cut off as Quango landed on her head and perched there.

“There’s too much sugar being eaten in Ponyville. We want to stop that… and yes, help you sell your produce.” Quango said quickly. The other ponies nodded, shifting and stamping their hooves as their grins went wider. Veggie flushed, scowling upward at her associate. “What?” he muttered. “Just keep it simple for now.”

“It’s not that I’m annoyed about,” Veggie hissed. “It’s you using my head as a perch!”

“Oh! Uh… sorry.” Quango fluttered down to the ground. “Getting ahead of myself.”

“Don’t make it a habit,” she muttered. Vee looked back up, replacing her thunderous expression with a smile. She made ready to continue her greetings, when an elderly green mare strode out of the farmhouse, clattering a cowbell.

“Soup’s on, everypony!” she cried. “Now gitchaselves down and eat up these pies ‘fore they grow cold!” At that, the money-hungry crowd turned out to be a regular-hungry crowd too, leaving Veggie and Quango in the dust for the apple treats.

“Uh… sorry ‘bout that,” Applejack said. “There’s nothin’ that’ll stand between a true Ponyvillian and one of Granny’s special apple pies. How about we head on over and see what we can get our hooves on? Lemme tell you, mah family are just as good as the Cakes at bakin’, ‘cept we don’t need to fill everything with cream.” She fixed Veggie with a knowing smile, before turning away to join the others at the tables.

Quango followed her straight away, while Veggie teetered uncertainly on the spot. What if somepony decided she needed to sample their wares like Pinkie decided she had to eat that cream cake last night? What if there was another Pinkie in their midst?!

“Y’know, we’ve got plenty of apples here, if you’re stayin’ off the pastry!” Applejack called. “Fresh off the trees!” ...Okay, that sounded much better. Veggie walked down to the tables, taking up a shiny red apple in her magic, grinning as she bit into it. After the ruinous party that had occurred last night, she finally felt as though she could relax. Applejack pulled her into the fray, introducing her to pony after pony, making sure to point out all the healthy apple snacks she’d want to eat. Here she was, surrounded by ponies who wanted to be helped, and fields full of beautiful apple trees. There was fruit and positivity and absolutely no Pinkie whatsoever.

Nothing could go wrong here.

Some time later, just as the sky turned to the deep indigo hues of twilight, Veggie mounted the stage. She had been quietly impressed with the Apple family’s ingenuity; there’d barely been a day’s notice of her speech, and yet they’d been able to put together a solid wooden podium in front of the barn for her, complete with firefly lanterns and magical loudspeakers.

Admittedly, that was mostly down to Applejack’s brother being built like a brick outhouse… and sadly, he had all the conversational skills of one, too. Veggie had attempted to talk to him, but there was only so much ‘eeyup’-ing and ‘nope’-ing one pony could take before they began to feel their mind atrophy.

Nevertheless, she couldn’t help but have a big smile on her face as she stepped up to face the crowd. Applejack winked at her from the middle row while Apple Bloom stood on her back to see over the heads of the adults. Veggie turned her head to Quango and gestured towards the crowd. “Still think we should have gone to the sugar addicts first?” she asked.

“Just because you hit it off better with Applejack than you did Pinkie, doesn’t make the latter a ‘sugar addict’,” he said with a sigh.

Veggie simply chuckled, placing her notes on the podium. She shuffled them for good measure, then turned to face the crowd. “Good evening, ladies and gentlecolts!” she began. “It gives me great pleasure to announce that my presence here in Ponyville—”

“—is not welcome!” declared a loud voice. The crowd let out a collective gasp, gazes rising upward. Veggie looked to Quango, giving him a furious glare. He cocked an eyebrow, his mouth opening slightly in confusion, before pointing up at the barn behind them.

Vee gazed up at where Quango was indicating and her own eyes widened as she saw what he was referring to. Atop the roof of the barn was a mare fully dressed in a dark blue and purple outfit, her eyes covered with blue lenses, and a wide-brimmed hat balanced on top of her head. Pink and mauve streamers had been tied to her ankles and the crown of her hat, and a white, tooth-shaped piece of felt had been sewn to the flanks of the costume. She looked utterly ridiculous. She raised her forelegs in the air and gave a flourish as streamers burst outward behind her.

“It’s her!” somepony exclaimed. “She’s back!”

“Mare-Do-Well? Mare-Do-Well!”

The mare atop the barn gave a laugh. “I may once have gone by that name, but no more!” She gave a low, mocking bow to Veggie. “I am Sweet Tooth.”

“What?! Who are you?” Veggie screeched. “I am trying to give a speech here!”

“And are you telling the truth?” Sweet Tooth said. The crowd began to look confused, and muttered amongst one another. “Does anypony know why Veggie Vee is here?” She produced a used napkin from under her hat and waved it about. The costumed mare stared down at Applejack, who gulped and averted her gaze. “No? Veggie Vee—meanie pony extraordinaire—wants to take away your sweets! Shut down Sugarcube Corner! And Applejack and Carrot Top know that!” she exclaimed triumphantly. After a moment, she slumped down just a little as the crowd utterly failed to break into outrage. “...well?”

“Well… we don’t know that yet!” one pony said. “She hasn’t said her speech!”

Sweet Tooth shrugged. “See for yourself!” She balled up the napkin and tossed it into the crowd.

Veggie’s eyes went wide, and she caught the paper out of the air with her magic. She made a show of opening it in front of her, scanning it briefly. How in Equestria had this madmare gotten her hooves on the plan? “Hah!” she said. “Just ramblings! Nothing to see here!” She fired a magic spark from her horn, incinerating the evidence. Mental note: burn everything I write down in this place, she thought.

The crowd let out a disappointed sigh and stomped their hooves. “We want to hear it!” one called.

“Yeah! Debate!”

“Let’s hear what she has to say! Sweet Tooth! Sweet Tooth!”

“Who needs tax cuts when you have costumed heroes?”

Veggie sank down and buried her head in her hooves. “I am going to make Pinkie Pie and her conspirators pay for every ounce of sugar they ever gave to these ponies,” she growled. “And then ensure they never damage their brains again.” She whacked a hoof against the microphone on the podium. “Let’s just get back to—” Vee stopped as she realised her voice was no longer emanating from the loudspeakers.

“I’m flattered, Ponyvillians!” Sweet Tooth called, bowing again. She pulled out a bowl, and tossed its contents into the air, boiled sweets and candy canes landing amongst the gathered ponies. “This is what you might lose if you let Veggie Vee take control! Is losing your sweets worth a few silly tax cuts?” She frowned as a few of the crowd consulted calculators and notepads. “Wait… don’t answer that,” she quickly added. “I let my points speak for themselves… with fireworks and suitable music, of course. Begone from Ponyville, Veggie Vee, or we shall all suffer the consequences!” She looked down at Veggie, and placed a forehoof to the brim of her hat. “Heed my warning, and remember my name!” As quickly as she’d appeared, Sweet Tooth vanished, leaping from the roof of the barn into the gloom of twilight.

Veggie let out a snort of anger as she saw that the ponies in front of her were now not paying attention to her, but were instead scanning the rapidly darkening sky behind her for the promised fireworks. “Right. The resident lunatic has had her say,” she said, raising her voice to make up for the lack of amplification. “Now can we please get back to the speech? We already checked behind the barn. There’s no fireworks there…” Vee trailed off as Quango nudged her. “What?”

“Can you hear that?” he asked, pointing toward the speakers.

Vee’s ears perked up as the strains of classical music reached them. “So she’s now silencing me with sonatas? Great.” She huffed and folded her forelegs.

Quango shook his head. “No, it’s not that. This is a famous overture written to celebrate a major griffon victory over a changeling hive.”

“Uh… so? I’m not musically illiterate,” Vee said.

“Well, Sweet Tooth said it was suitable, has some fireworks and told us to ‘heed her warning’,” he continued.

“Get to the point, Quango!” Veggie said testily.

“...doesn’t this piece have cannon fire in it?”

Veggie looked up at the barn and gulped. She took a step back uncertainly as the music began to reach a crescendo.

Quango tapped his forehooves together. “Should we take cover?”

“Yes!” Vee dived from the stage into the crowd. “EVERYPONY HIT THE DECK!” There were shouts of terror as each and every pony jumped to the ground.

A cannon shot rang out through the speakers, before the music abruptly cut out with a warble. At that, a single firework anaemically launched, puttering into the air with a quiet squeal, its trajectory suddenly ending in a truly pathetic pop. Veggie unclenched her eyes and stood back up amongst the prone ponies, looking at the barn. “Hah!” she laughed. “Broke her music player and her fireworks, all in one! Let that be a sign; sugar can never trium—”

And then there was an explosion that shook the very foundations of the earth.

Veggie didn’t so much hear the detonation as feel it; a single, solid wall of air hit her as the shockwave spread out. Her hearing suddenly gave way to silence with a crump as the overpressure reached her eardrums and the unicorn was catapulted across the field, landing in a heap on the grass as pieces of broken wood scythed overhead. Dazed and on her back, Vee watched the new star that was the roof of the barn leave the farm in a meteoric rise, multi-coloured flames trailing behind it. It arced high into the sky, before falling deep amongst the trees of the Everfree Forest. It may have just been a quirk of her near-deafened state, but Veggie could have sworn she heard an anguished “My moustache!” from the woods.

She staggered to her hooves, rubbing her ears and making marp noises, trying to equalise the pressure in her head. “Ohhh… tinnitus, my old friend…” she murmured. Veggie looked up to see Applejack and Quango running toward her. She tried to say something, but instead abruptly fell on her rump as her balance failed her.

The two ponies in front of her mouthed at her and gesticulated wildly, Veggie staring at them in mute incomprehension. She shook her head and rubbed an ear once again, finally succeeding in regaining some hearing.

“...and now we’re gonna have to get our whole family in again to raise this barn!” Applejack cried.

Veggie nodded dumbly. “Yes… um, I’m sure I can, uh, get you a subsidy for rebuilding your… ‘racist barn’,” she said. As Applejack tried to protest, Vee waved her away with a chuckle. “It’s fine! It’s the least I can do!” She quickly turned to Quango, pulling him in close to mutter in his ear. “We need to get to the Mayor. At once.”

“Ahh! You’re shouting!” he complained. “Please, my ears can’t take any more abuse today.”

Vee rolled her eyes. “I’m not shouting, Quango. I am muttering!” She noticed him cringing even further and sighed. “Just get me the Mayor as soon as you can.”

Quango looked back at the dejected Applejack. “About the barn?”

“Yes. We need to take decisive action against this… this…” Veggie’s eyes lit up as her mind hit upon the right word. “...terrorist.”

In another part of the field, the crowd watched as Big Mac and a few other stallions heaved buckets of water on the smouldering remnants of the barn. Carrot Top rubbed the back of her neck uncomfortably. That ‘Sweet Tooth’ had accused her of knowing exactly what Veggie Vee might do to Ponyville—and who might judge that she was at fault for the barn being destroyed?!

She froze as she felt a presence next to her.

“Carrot Top,” Granny Smith said.

“Gr-Granny.” Carrot gulped.

“You know what this is about, don’tcha?” Granny said slowly. Carrot nodded miserably. “Well, congratulations.” The younger mare gave a start as a small bag of bits hit the ground next to her. “You won the sweepstake! Fifty-two days that barn stood. Think that might be a new record.” She rubbed her chin. “Y’know, we really should make that thing more sturdy next time! Anyhow, you have a good night, young’un!”

“Uh… goodnight, Granny Smith,” she said. Carrot looked down at her earnings, then shrugged and snatched them up. You win some, you lose some, she thought.

Villain’s Vindication Vetted

View Online

Vee for Vendetta

By Melon Hunter

Chapter 4: Villain’s Vindication Vetted

Veggie glared at the page in front of her. Had it been up to her, the sheer intensity of her gaze would have rearranged the ink on the page into the words she was looking for, but a universe that had birthed Discord would never have allowed anypony to get away with something that convenient. She let out a pointed sigh and snapped shut the book on the table in front of her, shoving it to the pile on her left.

“So.” Her voice dripped with icy menace. “It’s not in this one, either.” She looked at the now-empty box of law books left to read. “Or any of them.”

“As I told you, Miss Vee, we’re not really in the habit of writing up laws for”—Mayor Mare consulted the manically-scribbled note Veggie had slammed on her desk the night before—“‘accidentally-on-purpose firework-related civil disobedience through building demolition’.” She yawned and stretched, knocking the desk with her hoof and causing the forest of empty coffee mugs in front of her to rattle. “Maybe it would be best if you came back tomorrow…” She looked out the window at the sun peeking above the horizon. “Or rather, later today.”

Veggie slammed a hoof down on the table. “No!” she insisted. “It is imperative we take action at once to deal with this threat! On that note…” Her head whipped around. “Quango! How are the new posters going?”

“Whhhmmm?” Quango’s head slipped from the forehoof it had been resting on and bounced off the table with a resounding thud. He jerked upright, staring at her with bloodshot eyes. “Ah! Uh… uhhh… how about this?” he said, holding up a half-finished doodle of a poster featuring Veggie’s cutie mark. A line of green pencil slashed across the page, testament to his falling asleep in the small hours of the night.

Vee snatched up the parchment with her magic and stared at it. “No no no… this won’t do at all!” she exclaimed. She looked up at the two exhausted ponies. “Do either of you want to stop this madmare?!”

“I’m sure it was an accident, thinking back,” Quango said, stifling a yawn. “Just a fireworks display gone wrong.” Mayor Mare nodded in agreement, and Veggie’s jaw dropped.

“But she blew up Applejack’s barn!” Vee insisted. “We have to do something about that, at least!”

The mayor chuckled. “When you’ve been mayor as long as I have, Miss Vee, you get to know a few things. Like how the Apples’ barn falls down more regularly than the leaves off the trees around it, and if you try and help, Granny Smith just points at the half of the Apple family who’ve turned up to repair it.” She smiled and waved to the window. “I’m sure you want to put your heart at ease, but there’s no need to go and help.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Mayor Mare replied. “I’m sure, as always, Applejack will accept the barn’s latest destruction with good grace…”

The chatter inside Sugarcube Corner was abruptly silenced as the door crashed open, revealing a glowering orange earth pony. Applejack stomped in, chewing on a toothpick, the brim of her hat turned down slightly. “Alright,” she demanded. “Where is that hyperactive, firework-poppin’, sugar-lovin’ pink pony?”

“Oooh! Oooh! Is this a guessing game?” Pinkie exclaimed, bouncing up from behind the counter. “I love guessing games! Now let’s see…”

“What? No…” Applejack’s eyes narrowed as she saw who had spoken, and she began marching towards Pinkie.

“I mean, everypony loves sugar, except that meanie Veggie Vee… but who exactly ‘pops fireworks’?” Pinkie wondered aloud, oblivious to her incoming doom.

Applejack grabbed Pinkie’s tail with her mouth, and began dragging her toward the pantry. “Pinkie, we need to talk,” she said, voice muffled by the mass of pink hair.

“I guess it could be Bon Bon, but she’s pretty quiet, and hates loud noises…” Pinkie suddenly realised she was sliding along the floor backwards. “Oh, it was me!” She frowned. “Aaaaplejack! That’s not fair! You didn’t even let anypony guess before you gave away the answer!” Her eyes widened as AJ pulled open the door to the bakery’s storage. “Wait, where are we going?”

Wordlessly, Applejack yanked Pinkie through into the cool, dimly-lit room, placing herself between the door and the baker. She scowled for a moment, glaring into Pinkie’s eyes. “You heard about last night, right?” she demanded.

Pinkie giggled and rolled her eyes. “Well, of course I heard about it, Applejack! I think everypony from here to Manehattan heard that boom!” She suddenly set her face in a serious expression. “You’re alright, aren’t you? Nopony got hurt, right? You can rebuild it?”

Applejack opened her mouth, then paused for a moment, one hoof raised. “Uh… yeah. Everypony’s fine, Pinkie. Thanks for asking.”

“Great!” Pinkie bounced past her stunned friend, before being pulled back to the ground with another tug to the tail.

“Simmer down there, sugarcube. We ain’t done yet,” Applejack said, yanking Pinkie back into the pantry.

“What’s the matter?” Pinkie said, sitting down on the floor. “Are you worried your friends are secretly plotting against you? Because—you can take it from me—it’ll do you no good to go around being all suspicious and angry!”

Applejack took off her hat and rubbed the back of her head. “Well, that’s kinda mah point, sugarcube. Last night, we had somepony callin’ herself Sweet Tooth turn up and disturb Veggie’s speech! That was rude enough, but then she blew up mah barn, too! Accident or not, that ain’t right.” She glared at Pinkie. “And you know what she was wearing?”

Pinkie shook her head slowly. “Nope! No idea!”

“A Mare-Do-Well costume. An earth pony Mare-Do-Well costume, with extra streamers and such sewn onto it.” She walked a little closer to Pinkie. “And Ah checked mah wardrobe last night, and mahn’s as good as new! So, Ah’m guessin’ somepony filched yours.”

Pinkie gasped. “What are you trying to say, Applejack?! That I just let somepony take my costume? That there’s a thief prowling about?” She pulled out a bubble pipe from her mane and placed it in her mouth. “You know, I think I’m going to have to do some detective work!”

“Pinkie Pie, you know as well as Ah do that your little gang of sweet makers will have had somethin’ to do with this,” AJ growled.

“‘Little gang’? Are you saying we have secret meetings and stuff? An undercover operation controlling Ponyville from the shadows?” Pinkie moved her forehoof in a wavy motion in front of of her eyes. “Secrets and lies…” she murmured.

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Fine. So you ain’t in some hush-hush group for bakers. But Ah’m not buyin’ for a second that you knew nothin’ about it,” she said.

Pinkie nibbled at the edge of her hoof. “Applejack, you know I would never do something like that to you on purpose!” she said.

AJ blinked, then stared at the ground. “Yeah… you’re right. Sorry, Pinkie. Ah didn’t mean to say you blew up mah barn for no good reason. It’s just that Ah worry there’s somepony with their head not screwed on right who may end up really hurtin’ some folks, and you know who it is. Ah know you and Veggie Vee are about as alike as an apple and a rock, but she ain’t a bad pony. Yah can tell yer bakers and sweet makers that she’s as harmless as a fruit fly.”

Pinkie snorted and stomped her hoof. “She is not! She hates everything we make here in Sugarcube Corner. I tried my hardest to make her feel welcome at the party last night and she just kept pushing me away!” She gave a huff, causing a stream of large bubbles to fly out of her pipe. “She wants everything unhealthy gone from Ponyville! I know it! And she’s going to get every farmer in Ponyville to follow her by giving them money.”

“And how d’ya know that?” Applejack said, her voice dangerously low. “Funny, ‘cause Ah heard Sweet Tooth say exactly the same thing last night. Had some… napkin she found, sayin’ Veggie had written out her plans on it.” She gripped the brim of her hat, a triumphant smirk on her face.

Pinkie’s head recoiled slightly. “I… uh…” Her eyes cast about the room. “Because I came from a farm too!” she exclaimed.

“...and?”

“Uh huh! So I know all about farmin’ an’ those meddlin’ civil servants, comin’ down an’ tellin’ us how we should work our own land!” Pinkie said, voice dropping into a perfect imitation of Applejack’s own voice.

The farmer’s jaw dropped. “How did you…” She shook her head. “Never mind. You came from a rock farm. Not quite the same as Sweet Apple Acres."

Pinkie cocked her head to one side. “Why not?”

“Well… we live off the fruit we grow, Pinkie. Rocks, on the other hoof… not so much.”

“Applejack!” Pinkie stamped her hoof on the floor. “What are we standing on?”

“Wooden floorboards.”

“Under that?”

“Soil.”

“And under that?” Pinkie demanded.

“...sewer pipes?”

“Bedrock, Applejack!” Pinkie said. “Rocks are important; if it weren’t for rocks, where would we be?”

“Uh…”

“In a big hole in the ground, of course! And that’s why rock farming is important!” Pinkie put a foreleg around Applejack’s shoulders and began gently leading her out of the pantry, ignoring the stammered protests of the farmer. Halfway to the front door, AJ finally dug her hooves in and came to a halt.

“Now hold on there, missy!” she said, looking at Pinkie. “Look, Ah’m sorry for soundin’ like Ah was blaming you, and makin’ it sound like rock farmin’ ain’t important. You’re one of mah best friends, and Ah wanna keep it that way.” She fiddled with her hat. “It’s just that Ah’m worried we ain’t gonna be so lucky next time, and whoever this Sweet Tooth is, they’re gonna end up really hurtin’ somepony! If you know anythin’ about this mare, Pinkie, please tell ‘em to knock it off and find some other way to make their point.” AJ gave a quiet snort. “And no matter what they thought of Veggie Vee, Ah didn’t deserve to lose mah barn for lettin’ her give a speech at the farm.”

“I will do! Don’t you worry!” Pinkie said. “And I’ll make sure to bake you a special ‘Sorry Your Barn Was Blown Up By A Masked Mare With No Experience In Pyrotechnics’ cake!” she said.

Applejack let out a small smile. “Well, thank you kindly, Pinkie. But... please understand, Veggie Vee has a lot to offer us farmers.”

Pinkie scratched her head. “Does she even want to stay in Ponyville after last night?” she asked.

“Well… she did seem pretty shaken up after the explosion, but then she did have the lack of senses to not have her ears covered. Poor gal was staggerin’ around for ages!” Applejack said. “Ah dunno, Pinkie. She’s probably not been run outta town just yet, but Ah bet she’s not far from it.” She tapped her chin. “Look, if it’ll make you feel any better, if Veggie tries to do somethin’ crazy like shutting Sugarcube Corner down, then Ah’ll help you out. Until then… just live and let live, okay? Remember Cranky Doodle; not everyone’s as happy about cakes and parties as you are.”

Pinkie nodded vigorously. “Okie dokie! I’ll leave her alone until she goes crazy, and you start helping me out once she does!”

“That’s not really what Ah sa—”

“Make a Pinkie Promise!” Pinkie said, leaning in towards Applejack. “I Pinkie Promise that I will leave Veggie Vee alone unless she goes totally loopy, and you can Pinkie Promise that you will help me stop her if she does go loopy, and you won’t use silly loopholes to wriggle out of it!” She pressed a forehoof into her left eye and looked expectantly at AJ.

Applejack sighed, and poked herself in the eye also. “Fine. Ah Pinkie Promise. Though Ah can guarantee, you won’t have to call this promise in. Now, if you'll excuse me, Ah have a barn to raise.” She tipped her hat in a gesture of farewell and left through the door.

“Nailed it,” Pinkie whispered gleefully. Once Applejack was out of sight, she called, “C’mon out, everypony! It’s safe!”

At that, Sugarcube Corner came alive. Those at the tables pulled off wigs and stickers over their cutie marks. Ponies popped out of cupboards, crawled out from beneath the counter, poked their heads out through the floorboards, and—in one case—emerged from a pot plant. Somepony scampered over to the door, sticking up a sign saying ‘Closed for staff training’. In the corner, Mr. Cake lowered a newspaper he’d been pretending to read and tore off his fake moustache. “So, how did it go?” he asked.

“Fine! Applejack doesn’t suspect a thing, and I think Veggie Vee’s plan is going to get her nowhere,” Pinkie said.

“Pssh! Speak for yourself!” said Saltwater Taffy. “She nearly figured it all out. It was only that ‘rock farming’ comment that saved you!”

“I guess… Wait, how did you know that?” Pinkie asked.

“I hid in the largest flour jar in the pantry. It was the only hiding place I could get to in time.”

“So that’s why you look like a ghost.” There came a knock at the door, and all the room dived for cover once more, leaving Pinkie on her lonesome in the middle of the floor. She hopped over to the entrance, to find Carrot Top staring at confusion at the sign. “Hi!”

“Um… hi, Pinkie.” Carrot Top tried to look past Pinkie at the shop beyond, the pink pony swaying to keep herself in the way. “Did I see Applejack come in here?”

“Yup! You just missed her!” Pinkie said. “Why?”

Carrot bit her lip and stared at the ground. “I… uh… had some money I owed her. I was also gonna get her a few cakes or something for the barn-raising, but that looks like it’ll have to wait.” She pointed at the sign and frowned. “Isn’t it just you and the Cakes who work here? Who needs training?”

“I do!” Pinkie said. “Mrs. Cake said I kept getting distracted from important things like customers by little sounds, and was trying to make me stop!”

“You mean like leaving her to go and answer the door?”

“Exactly!” Pinkie’s face fell. “Ah, shoot…”

Carrot backed away a little, lips pursed. “Y’know what? I’ll just come back later…” she said weakly.

“Please do!” Pinkie waved after her and retreated indoors, fellow sweet makers coming out from their hiding places once more.

Lyra poked her head over the edge of one of the hanging lampshades, grinning. “Wow, Pinkie. Master of misdirection!” She looked over to the door. “Y’know, I’m sure it’d be a lot easier if we stopped holding our secret meetings in public buildings and had a nice, hidden-away place instead. Such a shame we don’t, eh?”

“The secret underground meeting hall is for special occasions only!” Bon Bon hissed, popping up from the neighbouring shade. She glared down at Pinkie. “And whatever anypony thinks of Veggie Vee, it was really low, blowing up a whole barn like that. What’s everypony going to think of us now?”

Pinkie looked away from Bon Bon and sighed. “I didn’t mean to do that,” she protested. “I must have set the fireworks up wrong! Trixie made it look really easy; I thought you just pointed them at the sky, and bang!” She waved her forehooves in the air. “Nopony told me a whole stack of explosives could blow up like that!”

Bon Bon shook her head. “Just drop the Sweet Tooth act, okay? Nopony’s gonna appreciate another building getting blown up.”

“Actually, I rather liked the idea,” Mrs. Cake piped up, leaning on the counter as though it were merely a group of customers she was addressing. “Granted, accidentally blowing up buildings is really something to avoid, but I appreciate the ‘masked avenger’.” She rubbed her chin. “I just worry what connotations ‘Sweet Tooth’ will now have to some ponies… and how Veggie Vee is going to use that as leverage.” She looked at Pinkie and narrowed her eyes slightly. “Let me tell you, young mare, whatever mess you’ve made is your responsibility, alright?”

“Sure thing, Mrs. Cake! Leave it up to me, I’ll make sure everypony knows and loves Sweet Tooth in no time,” Pinkie said. “And I’ll make sure never to use Royal Guard Surplus-brand fireworks, ever again!”

Bon Bon gave a start. “Which brand?”

“Royal Guard Surplus! You know, the ones who make, uh”—Pinkie scratched her head and thought for a moment—“‘Experimental Anti-Manticore Missiles’! I still have a few lying around!” Bon Bon put a hoof to her mouth and stared. “What?”

“N-nothing. You… you just make sure you don’t use them again,” Bon Bon said quietly, hopping down from her perch. She cast her eyes upward and shuddered slightly. “Y-you know? It’s probably about time for me to go and open up the sweet shop. Come on, Lyra. Before it’s too late…” She fled from the bakery, her chuckling companion in tow.

“Well, I suppose we should all wrap up, then,” Mr. Cake said, rising from his chair. “Now, that leaves the question of what to do next. Wait for Veggie Vee to make another move?” Most of the ponies in the room nodded. “Even if that means she tries to drum up sympathy using the barn?”

Pinkie gave a laugh. “Don’t worry, Mr. Cake! Applejack said she’d help us out if Veggie did anything crazy. AJ will stop her before she starts being a meanie-weenie pony to the whole of Ponyville!” She stomped a hoof on the ground and looked around at the gathered ponies, smiling confidently. “I’m sure of it!”

“How sure, dearie?” asked Cup Cake.

“I’m so sure she won’t do anything crazy, I’ll… I’ll… I’ll eat my hat if she does!” Pinkie shoved a forehoof into her eye. “And that is a Pinkie Promise.”

Veggie gave a cry of terror. The orchards of Sweet Apple Acres had become a fearsome and foreboding realm, dark boughs reaching up to pierce the sky, poisoned fruit dripping with whipped cream hanging from the branches. Candy cane-striped tendrils tried to snatch at her legs as she galloped for safety. She ran between between apple trees, each one exploding into plumes of colourful sparks as she passed, gooey syrup bursting out. Quango—who had inexplicably merged bodies with Pinkie—flew above her in the Sweet Tooth costume, hurling cakes and lollipops at her, screeching “They’re not sugar addicts!” The Pinkie head simply laughed maniacally.

She happened upon the barn of Sweet Apple Acres, somehow already rebuilt. Veggie dashed inside and slammed the door shut behind her, horn glowing as she pushed the deadbolt across. She slumped against the wood, near-hyperventilating, eyes clamped shut. What the hay had happened? One moment she had been in the Mayor’s office, the next, all Tartarus had broken loose! The world was turned upside down and against her, and everything wanted her dead!

Somehow, she was certain this was all Pinkie Pie’s fault.

There came a rumble behind her, so low it delved into the infrasound. A wave of dread shot through the unicorn. As she slowly turned to face its source, it repeated, this time a little clearer: “Veggie Vee.” She looked up and moaned in terror. Behind an obsidian desk seemingly as high as Mount Canterlot sat Red Tape, his eyes ablaze with eldritch fire and a judge’s wig on his head. “You have failed me, Veggie.”

“N-no!” she squeaked. “I can’t have failed you; it’s only been two days!”

“Yes!” boomed the hell-Tape. “Two days, and Ponyville is buried beneath a mountain of sugar! Its citizens know nothing more of healthy eating than a whelk does of flying! The farms are in ruins, and Sugarcube Corner reigns supreme!” It leaned closer, making Veggie shriek and fall back. “And it’s all. Your. Fault.”

“All your fault!” the Quango head parroted, the two-headed pony crashing through the door.

“We warned you! We warned you about us!” the Pinkie head yelled. She waved around a rocket with her forehoof, grinning wickedly. “Need a firework display to take you out?”

“It’s not! I swear!” Veggie pleaded, tears running down her cheeks. “Please! Give me another chance! If only it hadn’t been for Pinkie Pie, I might have—”

Red Tape Supreme threw back his head and tore the barn’s roof asunder with his laughter. “If only it hadn’t been for Pinkie Pie and your futile efforts to fight her, perhaps you wouldn’t have spent all the money in the Treasury!”

“What?!” Veggie’s hind legs gave out, and she fell to the ground. “All of it?” she asked in a horrified whisper.

“All of it! Every last bit! Princess Celestia had to sell her crown and go begging on the streets thanks to you!” The Dark Lord of the Treasury grinned, bearing rows upon rows of pointed teeth. “I have never seen anything so disastrous in all my days! Your think tank is defunded, Veggie.”

“No! Please, don’t do this!”

“And you stand accused of disgracing the Civil Service, bringing ruin to the town of Ponyville and bankrupting the nation of Equestria!” He snorted, twin plumes of smoke shooting from his nostrils. “So, tell me Veggie Vee: how do you plead?”

Veggie collapsed into a heap on the floor, whimpering. What had she done? What had she done?! How had she managed to succeed by accident, where Queen Chrysalis and her changeling army had failed?! It… No. No. This had to have been someone else! She had been framed!

As she rose to give her ‘not guilty’ plea, Vee suddenly realised the horror of the courthouse she was in. The jury was twelve Pinkies, smiling expectantly. The Pinkie-Quango sat in the prosecutor’s seat grinning wickedly. The courthouse guards were Pinkie. Countless Pinkies sat in the gallery. Even her defence attorney was Pinkie. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening! She screamed as she looked up into the face of Demon Tape looming over her, his judge’s wig now resembling Pinkie’s mane. “Well?”

“Guilty!” yelled Defence Attorney Pinkie.

“What?! NO! I’M INNOCENT!”

“Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!” every Pinkie in the courthouse sang, bouncing up and down. The barriers between her and the public gallery broke down, sending a pink tide toward Veggie.

“GUILTY!” Red Tape bellowed, the clap of his gavel meeting the bench sounding like the world being split asunder. “You are guilty, Veggie Vee!” he roared, as the endless ocean of Pinkie Pies dragged her away. “Your punishment is a life sentence… of force-fed cream cake!”

Veggie could only scream in mindless horror as the Pinkageddon took her away from the Kafkaesque courtroom. Pinkies without number pushed her down and stood back as tendrils of saltwater taffy grabbed Vee by the limbs and torso. She shrieked and struggled as they pinned her against a giant sherbert lemon, her mane and coat instantly binding to its sticky surface.

“Open wide!” said one of the Pinkies, holding up a truly gargantuan cream cake. She was carried closer by a taffy tentacle, Veggie trying now to stop screaming and hold her mouth shut.

“Help! Help! Oh sweet Celestia, somepony please help!” Veggie begged, as the cake began to press into her face. “Anyponyyyy…!”

She gasped as there was a sudden flash of light. Veggie yelped as her restraints vanished, causing her to fall heavily on the floor. A pale blue dome of translucent magic surrounded her and expanded, pushing away the infinite Pinkies and shutting out their chanting. She clenched her eyes shut and curled up into a ball, shuddering.

“There is no need to be afraid, Veggie Vee. You are safe,” a calm voice said. Veggie looked up through tear-filled eyes, seeing a vaguely equine figure in front of her. Unthinkingly, she let out a sob and wrapped her forelegs around her mysterious saviour. “There, there. Nothing here can hurt you now.” A hoof rubbed her back soothingly.

After a moment, Veggie’s muscles released a little of their tension and she let out a long, slow breath. “Um… thank you,” she said. She opened her eyes slowly to look up at her rescuer. She blinked in confusion as she saw a chest covered in a deep blue coat, then a decorative collar of black metal inset with a crescent moon, then a smiling face framed by a mane like the night sky…

“Ahhh!” Veggie recoiled violently as she realised exactly who had saved her, performing an inadvertent backflip as she broke free of Luna’s embrace. “Princess Luna! What an… an… honour!” She attempted to stand to attention, salute and bow all at the same time, only to succeed in collapsing in a heap on the floor. She decided to make do with kissing the ground in front of the royal hooves instead.

Luna chuckled and placed a hoof under Veggie’s chin, raising her head gently. “There is no need for worship, Veggie,” she said. “It is my duty to protect my subjects from the powers of their own nightmares.” She looked around at the magical shield, where the Pinkies had pressed their faces up against the barrier, all the way up to the apex of the dome. “Especially nightmares as powerful as this one.”

Veggie began backing away slowly. “I’m so sorry for being such a nuisance, your Royal Highness! I’ll go!” She yelped as her rump collided with the shield. “Somewhere…” She sighed as Luna picked her up with telekinesis, lifting her closer and placing a wing around her.

“Veggie, I realise you are a long-standing and loyal civil servant, but I expect no bowing or scraping here,” Luna said. “This nightmare stood out from the dreamscape especially strongly, and I see I arrived just in time…” She glanced up again at the outside Pinkie shell again, multiple party ponies waving back at her. “Although I am somewhat at a loss as to explaining what would spawn such… vivid images.”

“W-wait… I’m asleep? This is just a dream? There’s not thousands of rampaging Pinkie Pies? You didn’t have to sell your crown?” Luna shook her head. “Thank Cele—I mean, Lun—uh… thank you?” Veggie stared at the ground as Luna wrapped her wings around the unicorn, shielding her from the manic stares of the nightmarish Pinkies. “But I swear I didn’t fall asleep! I don’t remember falling asleep!”

“A common occurrence,” Luna said, chuckling. “Let me show you…” Her horn flashed, producing a glowing oval in the air. An image of Veggie was projected upon it, leaning back in a chair. Her mouth was open unflatteringly, loud snores emanating from the void. A wet patch had formed on the chair cushions from a thin stream of her drool.

“Oh gosh. I look like that right now?” Veggie asked, aghast.

Luna smiled. “I’m afraid so.”

Veggie frowned at the golden glow illuminating the scene. “Isn’t it still daytime, though? I thought you slept until dusk.”

“Fortunately, I do not require my corporeal form when it comes to my patrolling the dreamscape. I know better than anypony that a ‘nightmare’ can strike at any time.” Luna rubbed her chin. “Now… if we’re to stop this from occurring again, we need to get to the bottom of what caused this.”

Veggie peeked out from between the indigo feathers, and whimpered at the sight beyond, unchanged since Luna’s intervention. “I don’t know! I haven’t had a nightmare since I was a little filly!” She sighed and looked away from the alicorn. “I suppose the Ponyville operation has been putting a lot of stress on me…”

“And I think we both know that Ponyville can be a rather more energetic town than Canterlot, hmmm?” Luna said. She rubbed her chin. “What do you fear, Veggie Vee?”

“N-nothing, Princess…” Veggie mumbled, staring at the ground. “It’s just some silly worries. I’m sorry to waste your time.”

“You’re not wasting anypony’s time, Veggie. This is nothing to be ashamed of; everypony has their fears,” Luna asserted. “But you will need to identify them, and face them to stop the nightmare repea—”

“FailuredisappointingtheCivilServiceandPinkiePie,” Veggie blurted out.

“I’m sorry?”

Veggie gulped and tried again. “Failure, disappointing the Civil Service, and Pinkie Pie,” she repeated. “Mostly in that order.” She peered around Luna’s wings again at the crowd outside the dome. “Although maybe you guessed one of those already.”

Luna frowned. “Well, yes. The other two are understandable, although I don’t quite understand why you would fear Pinkie Pie so much. When I first met her on Nightmare Night, I scared her so badly she thought I devoured foals!” She laughed loudly, making Veggie flinch. “She doesn’t seem like much of an antagonist.”

“The ‘welcome’ party she hosted for me. She nearly killed me with a cake!” Veggie hissed. “I just know that Pinkie Pie will try anything to undermine me and my healthy eating campaign! And she’s in cahoots with that Sweet Tooth. I’m lucky to be alive after she blew up the barn with fireworks last night; I was giving a speech right in front of it!” She shook herself, a sudden wave of realisation washing over her. “Wait… that must be it! It all fits together! Pinkie wants the campaign gone, and apparently one of her allies wants me dead.” She looked up at Luna. “I’m scared of wasting funds and losing my think-tank through my campaign flopping, and Pinkie’s going to make that happen if I don’t stop her!” Veggie slammed one forehoof into the other and rubbed them together. “So, I need to make sure I succeed, no matter what!” She looked up at the princess. “Right?”

“Um… yes. Perhaps a little too much force, but a good start,” Luna said hesitantly. “I think you may be placing too much emphasis on the fireworks mishap. A setback, but is that really a failure? Do you think ponies will blame you for what happened?”

Veggie rubbed the back of her neck. “I guess not…” she said. A smile chased across her lips. “I think I see what you mean.”

“Good! And as for your fear of Pinkie Pie?”

“I’ll crush her!” Luna simply raised her eyebrow. “Uh, I mean… I’ll try and gain her trust?”

“Better!” The alicorn looked toward the portal and frowned. “Hm. What is this?” Her horn glowed, surrounding a small box by Veggie’s sleeping form in a blue aura. A facsimile appeared by Luna’s face, and she regarded it intently.

Veggie laughed weakly, moving away from the alicorn slightly. “Just a herbal remedy!” she said quickly. “I’ve been putting a lot of work in recently.”

“‘Midnight Oil’s Up-All-Night Mints’,” Luna read out. “‘Keep going all night long at top performance!’” She flipped the box over and frowned. “‘Overdose side-effects may include existential dread, loss of faith in equinity, unexpected levitation, and hallucinations’. Veggie, how many of these did you take?”

“I kinda lost count…”

Luna sighed, looked around at the Pinkie swarm, and smiled. “I think I have the answer, then. You’re suffering from… how do they say it these days? A nasty fall? An unfortunate tumble?”

“...a bad trip?”

“That’s the one!” Luna laughed. “You seem to have augmented your nightmares quite significantly with this ‘remedy’. She crushed the box, making it vanish. “I suggest you stay away from these in future and get a good night’s sleep instead.”

Veggie nodded dumbly, then scowled as she felt something invisible push against her face. “Hey! What’s going on?”

“I believe one of your friends is trying to wake you,” Luna said. “I fear we must part ways here. Now…” Her horn flared, blasting the dome and the Pinkie Pies outward until they stood alone in a dark, empty field. “You recall what you must do?”

“Face my fears?” Veggie rubbed her chin. “I’ll make sure I won’t let you down, Princess! This mare’s not for turning!” She struck a pose, making Luna giggle. “And, um, I’ll cut back on the stay-awake pills, too.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” said Luna. “And make sure you try to find some common ground with Pinkie Pie; I believe you two may find the other more agreeable than you both first thought.” She spread her wings and hovered in front of the unicorn. “I wish you the best of luck with your campaign, Veggie. I will continue patrolling the dreamscape, but I hope I can wish you sweet dreams from now on.” The alicorn flew away into the darkness, calling “Face your fears!” as she vanished.

Veggie smiled to herself as she was left alone in the void. “Yes… face my fears… I don’t have to fear failure when I can just succeed, can’t I?” she muttered to herself. She frowned as the invisible hoof began poking harder and harder at her face. “Ow. Ow. ...owwww!””

“Whhaa… no, not the cream cake…” Veggie muttered sleepily. Her eyes snapped open and she looked up into the worried gaze of Quango. “Huh? What’s going on?”

He grinned sheepishly. “You’ve been asleep all afternoon. I was going to leave you in peace, but Mayor Mare and I found something very interesting. I think you may have your answer.” He held up a huge tome, with a piece of parchment inserted into it as a bookmark. The mayor stood behind him, nodding.

Veggie took the book in her magic and set it down on the table, opening it to the relevant page. She peered at the relevant passage, highlighted faintly with pencil lines. “Ponyville Municipal Constitution: Section VIII, Sub-Section 4, Chapter 9, Clause 6, Revision 8, (Please refer to footnotes two through nineteen): Issuing of Emergency Powers,” she read aloud. Her eyes narrowed as she read further. “Is this… what I think it is?”

“Indeed!” said Mayor Mare. “In times of crisis, the mayor of Ponyville may appoint a militia recruited from the citizenry, and a commander.” She suddenly scowled. “This would really have been useful to know when Trixie came back to town… Why would anypony bury this so deep?” she muttered. She cleared her throat and looked back at Veggie. “Still! We have our crisis, I already have a couple of volunteers, and we have our commander.” She beamed at Veggie.

Vee blinked a couple of times, before smiling and placing a hoof to her chest. “Me?”

“Her?” Quango exclaimed.

“Well, of course! You’re the spearhead of the healthy eating campaign.” The mayor leaned in closer, her wide smile making Veggie stare. “And besides, what with all those lovely subsidies you’re bringing in, I think you deserve a little bit more help with taking down Sweet Tooth!”

“Th-thank you!” Veggie stammered, taking a step back from the mayor’s hungry stare. “And I’ll make sure those subsidies get to you as soon as possible!”

Mayor Mare snapped the book shut with a nod. “Good! Did you have any ideas about how we should organis—”

There was a thud as Veggie dumped a thick file from her saddlebags on the table. “Do I ever! I came up with something like this on the train ride here!” she said eagerly, spreading the pages on the table. “I had a name and ranks and roles and a uniform—I assume there’s a tailor in town, right?—and medals and…”

“Um… right. I’ll leave you to it and go and make the preparations,” the mayor said, slipping out of the room as Veggie happily babbled away.

Quango let out a shocked snort as Vee spread a large, rolled piece of paper across the table. “‘The Sugar Watch’?” he read out. “Veggie, what is this?”

Veggie looked up and grinned at him. “This is me”—she spread her hoof across the plan—“facing my fears.”

Vexed Villein Verbalises

View Online

Vee for Vendetta

By Melon Hunter

Chapter 5: Vexed Villein Verbalises

Veggie took a great huff of air, energised by the sounds of the babbling crowd on the other side of the curtain. “Nothing quite like a whole town come to hear your speech to get the blood pumping, is there, Quango?” she asked.

“Of course,” he said. “And I’m sure once they hear what exactly you’re enacting, it’s going to get pumping even more. Running away from an angry mob tends to do that,” he added dryly.

“If you two keep bickering, we ain’t gonna have a speech at all! Ah thought we agreed Ah’d go on first to drum up some support?” Applejack asked. “On account of mah barn?”

“Indeed! And—” Veggie stopped speaking with a pointed sigh as somepony coughed politely behind her.

“What about us?” Cloudchaser asked. Flitter, who was stood next to her, nodded vehemently. “Like, do we have a part too?”

Vee rubbed her forehead with a hoof. “Look, I appreciate you being the inaugural members of the Sugar Watch, but right now I just need you to act professional.”

“Yes, ma’am!” The twin pegasi each hovered in the air and flicked a forehoof to their head in a salute, cheerful expressions replaced by stony-eyed stares. "Don't worry! We've been trained by Rainbow Professionalism Dash herself!" Flitter barked.

"Wasn't it 'Rainbow Professionalism Danger Dash'?" Cloudchaser muttered.

"How the hay should I know? That mare goes through middle names like I go through loaves of bread."

Applejack stamped her hoof. "Simmer down, the pair of yah."

“Thank you.” Veggie turned back to Applejack. “Now’s your time to shine, then. Try for ‘innocent victim’ with a sprinkling of ‘righteous anger’. I want anypony involved with Sweet Tooth to feel… guilty… Guilty enough to defect to our cause.” She narrowed her eyes and began to rub her hooves together. “Especially Pinkie Pie.”

“Heh, no need for that. Ah already went and had a little chat with her yesterday,” Applejack said. “From all the duckin’ and weavin’ she did, Ah’m pretty sure she’s already regrettin’ bein’ involved with this Sweet Tooth.” She rubbed her chin in thought.

“Oh? You drove her to a confession already?” Veggie said, eyes sparkling.

Applejack scratched the back of her neck, looking away from Veggie. “Uh… not really. As much as a part of me wanted to wring her neck for what happened, she is both a friend and part of the family. If Ah was in her place, Ah’d probably be runnin’ scared too, if mah job was on the line. Not to mention she ain’t the most subtle of ponies at the best of times.” She cleared her throat. “More fool me for gettin’ all soft when Ah had her on the ropes, Ah suppose.”

“So she’s still at large?” Veggie asked.

“Ah was hopin’ she’d be a decent enough pony to own up to it, so Ah left her to stew in her own juices. Maybe today’ll convince her to come clean?”

Veggie nodded. “I hope so. Well done on taking the initiative, Applejack. Perhaps I would have plumped for direct confrontation, but I’m sure—as you say—your better judgement was merely clouded by some misplaced affection for her.” She drew herself up to her full height and smiled. “We’ll make a civil servant utterly unmoved by afflictions of emotion out of you yet!”

Applejack grinned uncertainly and took a step back. “Well, Ah’ll try mah best. Ah’m sure folks will start seein’ sense soon enough.” She swiftly walked through the curtains, the sound of hooves stomping in a polite greeting filtering through the hanging fabric.

Sitting down, Veggie took a look at her own notes for a few minutes. She’d pored over the law book, ensuring every last little loophole was stamped out. Not that there was anything to complain about really. A masked mare going around blowing up barns? It was madness not to respond! She rubbed her chin as she looked at the very bottom of the page, where she had written ‘Fears’. Princess Luna had taught her some important lessons, true, but how did one face up to fear of failing? She’d compromised on a proper solution and simply written ‘don’t’ next to it. And as for gaining the trust of Pinkie Pie, well… there was always hypnosis, she supposed.

Her ears perked up as the crowd laughed outside. "What's going on? Is she doing stand-up comedy or something?" Veggie asked.

"Actually, I believe Applejack is recounting the events of the other night and just reached the bit where you're staggering around the field while temporarily deaf," Quango replied. He suddenly grinned. "Oh, look! She's even mimicking those 'marp' noises you made trying to get rid of your tinnitus!"

Veggie growled. "Get on the stage, all of you!" She quickly cantered out from the curtain, shoving Applejack away from the microphone and standing up behind the podium herself. The farmer merely shrugged and smiled, before standing to the side. Quango mirrored her position on the other side of Vee, and the twin pegasi hovered above.

A great cheer went up from the crowd as Veggie appeared, and for a moment she basked in the adulation, before noticing the laughs and jibes mixed in with it.

"Hey, Veggie! Can you hear us?"

"'Do that 'marp' noise again!"

"I guess your campaign's really getting some bang for its buck!"

Veggie said nothing, an indignant scowl adorning her features. As the giggling amongst the audience continued, she picked up the microphone and sent a blast of high-pitched noise into it from her horn. The gathered ponies clutched hooves to ears and let out cries of pain and irritation. Once they were subdued, Vee ended the audial assault and returned the device to its stand. “Ha ha ha ha ha! Tinnitus! Isn’t it just hilarious?!” she snapped. There was a telling silence. “That’s what I thought. Anyway… Thank you for your time," she said primly. "I believe Applejack has filled you in on the finer details of the situation"—she glared at AJ, causing her to cross her forelegs and stare upwards innocently—"so I'll get right down to why we're here. Fillies and gentlecolts, I present to you... the Sugar Watch!" She threw a forehoof up to indicate her comrades.

A few of the ponies in the audience exchanged confused glances and muttered to one another. Carrot Top piped up, “What’s that?”

“I’m glad you asked!” Veggie exclaimed. She began to pace back and forth on the stage. “As I’m sure you’re aware, there is an extremely dangerous dissident roaming the town, likely supported by a faction of ponies who want nothing more than to undermine this necessary initiative!” Her horn flashed, unfurling a large banner emblazoned with her maize cutie mark on either side of the stage. “Now, I am here to help, but I am only one pony. And one pony can’t protect every building from being blown up by this masked madmare, nor can she guard against the ever-encroaching tide of sweet temptations! Therefore, by the, ahem, emergency powers granted to me by Mayor Mare, I’m giving you all a chance to help me to help you to help yourselves.” She cleared her throat. “With considerable oversight from me, of course.”

“S’right! We’re gonna clean Ponyville up!” Cloudchaser cried. Some of the ponies in the crowd grinned and nodded.

“And no more barns gettin’ blown up!” Applejack added. “We’re gonna tell ‘em we’re stronger than that!”

“Yeah!” the crowd cried.

Veggie began to grin broadly as her subordinates whipped up a storm of approval. “Excellent! Now, it’s early days yet, but I firmly believe that a little bit of nudge psychology will do wonders.” She shrugged and raised her hooves. “Maybe somepony eating a cake, when they could be snacking on a nice apple? Perhaps a schoolfilly’s rotting her teeth with sweets, or your granny takes three lumps of sugar in her tea when she could take two? Whatever it is, don’t stay silent! Help them to help themselves!”

“Help them to help themselves!” the crowd echoed.

She recoiled slightly at her mantra being repeated, before shaking with glee. “An apple a day; keep the sugar away!”

“An apple a day; keep the sugar away!”

Vee nibbled at her forehoof, wondering what to try next. “I’m an individual, and so is everypony else!” She looked down in confusion as she noticed her voice was no longer amplified, before spotting Quango holding the loose wire.

“Veggie, you’re a civil servant, not a cult leader!” he hissed. “Stick to the script!”

“Sorry! Got carried away!” she whispered back. He rolled his eyes and plugged the microphone back in. “Uh… anyway. That much is everypony’s duty. However, if you really want to be on the forefront of this campaign, I’d suggest you join the Sugar Watch! You will be my vigilant ears and eyes, always observing, always listening, ready to spring into action at a moment’s notice!” Veggie looked down at the smiling faces in front of her and shivered slightly. Her eyelid twitched. “Ponyville will only be safe from the purveyors of sweetness when the panopticon is complete! We can never rest in our war against sugar! Constant vigilance is required! You—Owww!” She ceased her diatribe and flinched as she felt a sharp pain on her foreleg.

Quango gave her an apologetic look. “Just wrap it up, okay?” he said quietly.

She nodded mechanically. “But never fear; as the Sugar Watch will forever be… watching, I guess.” Vee frowned and scratched her head. “I swear I had something for this,” she muttered.

“Sign-up sheets are at the front!” Flitter announced. “You’ll get a badge, and training, and a really cute uniform! Maybe you’ll even get to have a rooftop battle with the masked dissident!” The ponies in the crowd began nodding and chattering to one another, and many started walking forward to sign their names on the supplied parchment.

Veggie sank down beneath the podium and let out a squeal of delight, eyes closed and forehooves raised up to her mouth. “Ohmigosh ohmigosh!” she exclaimed. “I can’t believe how well that went! I thought they might all object or not want to join or Sweet Tooth would turn up or something!”

“Well, yah catch more flies with honey than vinegar, sug—uh, Veggie,” Applejack said. “These folks really appreciate some co-operation. Reckon you’re on to a real winner here.” She frowned a little. “Just a shame the uniforms look so unfriendly. Clothes in black never look approachable…”

“It’s all I had to work with!” Veggie said. She gathered the other four ponies into a group hug. “Oh, but I can’t believe how well this is all going! Thank you so much for standing beside me; I thought I was doomed for sure. No wonder I had to face up to that fear.”

Cloudchaser raised an eyebrow. “‘Fear’? What fear?”

“Uh…” Veggie bit her lip, remembering the nightmare—well, daymare, strictly speaking—that has struck her. Probably shouldn’t tell them Princess Luna had to rescue me from my own mind, she thought. “Just a little nervousness about public speaking!” Another shiver of happiness travelled through her.

The other ponies separated themselves from Veggie’s hug, dusting themselves off. “How about I take on the speech from here, Veggie?” Quango asked gently. “You, um, look like you need a rest.”

She shook her head, his words only half-heard as a catatonic veil descended across her senses. What was this feeling?! How had she not felt it before? All these ponies listening to her, agreeing with her… she had power over them! She was the sole helmsmare for their destiny, and contrary to all expectations, they were consenting to her direction! This was perfect! In her delirium of joy, she barely noticed Cloudchaser and Flitter picking her up and moving her to the side as Quango took the podium in her place.

Then, momentarily, she saw a pair of bright blue eyes in the audience. Pinkie stared at her, her head moving back slowly as she regarded Veggie. Vee tried smiling, which only caused Pinkie’s head to go back further until her neck was at an angle enough to give any chiropractor conniptions, gaze somehow still on her.

Pinkie suddenly dashed away into the distance, eliciting a giggle from Veggie. Run as far as you like, Pinkie. I’ve won these ponies over, and sooner or later I’ll have you too.

An odd noise came from a secluded alleyway just by Sugarcube Corner. To anypony listening, it would have sounded like someone was losing a fight with a angry wardrobe experiencing moderate gastrointestinal distress. Pinkie wished it were that simple.

“Ohhh….” she moaned. “Why did I Pinkie Promise the hat? I could have done anything!” Her body quivered as another huge internal rumble shook her. “I’m so sorry, stomach! Please forgive me!” She tore another strip from the wide brim of the Mare Do Well hat, rolled it up and chewed it a little, before swallowing noisily. “But I did promise I’d eat my hat if Veggie Vee did anything crazy.” Pinkie clutched her belly, before steeling herself and devouring the remainder of the headware. “And what she’s doing is crazy. So is she! And everypony’s listening to her!”

Looking around to check if anyone had noticed her apologising to her own digestive system, Pinkie gulped down a couple of Bon Bon’s voice-altering cough drops and donned the other pieces of the Sweet Tooth costume, making sure to cover up every part of her coat and her distinctive poofy mane. She checked her reflection with the surface of a water trough and nodded. It felt strange to have the distinctive weight of the hat in her stomach rather than on her head, but that was nopony’s fault but her own.

She let out a brief sigh as a different stab came to her stomach. She had been convinced that Applejack had been successfully misdirected yesterday, but after a sleepless night replaying the conversation over and over again in her head, she couldn’t help but think AJ knew more than she was letting on. And she had seemed really hurt about the barn when giving her speech earlier… Pinkie was convinced she was doing the right thing resisting Veggie Vee, but not if that meant lying to her friends too! Or was that just a weakness holding her back?

Wincing a little, Pinkie climbed up a gutter pipe on the wall of one of the houses and began running along the thatched roofs of the various buildings between her and the town centre. Nearly everypony had gathered in the square to listen to Veggie’s speech, letting Pinkie run and even try out some amateur parkour without worrying about being seen prematurely. Although that also meant that nearly everypony was being told that they needed to shut down Sugarcube Corner and ban candy! What was she doing practising her wallrunnning skills now?!

With an extra burst of speed, she dashed off and skidded to a halt just before the edge of the roof of a house overlooking the square. Pinkie hunkered down to remain unseen and surveyed the space. Cloudchaser and Flitter were in front of the stage, dealing with a lengthy queue of ponies who were registering their interest in the Sugar Watch. The actually-secretly-quite-nice pony—Quango, of course—was currently on the podium, giving some finer details on what Ponyville could expect. As for Veggie Vee…

For some reason, she was parading around and around at the back of the stage, scribbling something on a piece of paper and dictating her thoughts. Applejack sat in the centre of Veggie’s orbit, eyes uneasily following the unicorn. What had happened to her?

What worried her more were the ponies gradually filtering away from the square. She had to stop this from happening! Pinkie leapt up, standing tall on the rooftop. She said nothing, instead only letting her cape flap in the wind. A few ponies turned to look at her and gasped. A wave travelled across the crowd as more heads looked up at her, until it finally hit the stage, silencing Quango and immobilising Veggie.

“Citizens of Ponyville!” Pinkie began, her voice now the dulcet, cultured tones of Sweet Tooth. “I have returned!”

She cut out as Veggie glared at her balefully. If looks could kill, Vee’s would have violated multiple international treaties on weapons of mass destruction. Even Pinkie’s normal cheeriness shrivelled to nothing in the death ray of disapproval.

Veggie stomped forward slowly, never breaking her stare. She shoved Quango to one side, stood up against the podium and gripped its sides tightly with her forehooves. “You,” she spat. “What are you here for? Come to blow up another barn? Because too bad: we’re in the middle of town, there’s no barns here!”

“What?! No, that was an accident!” Pinkie exclaimed. Some of the crowd shook their heads at her. “It was! Have any of you tried setting up a fireworks display before? Those things are hard!” She raised her hooves in a pacifying gesture, before cupping them around her mouth. “I’m really sorry about that, Applejack! I’ll make it up to you, somehow!” The other mare simply raised an eyebrow at her, before giving a curt nod. Better than nothing, Pinkie supposed.

“That’s really”—Veggie held Quango at arm’s length as he desperately tried to grab her and pull her away—“the best you can do?” She narrowed her eyes at her. “Well, ‘Sweet Tooth’, what are you here for, hmmm?”

Pinkie cleared her throat. “It’s quite simple! Look around, ponies. What do you think the Sugar Watch is for? Just some lovely, polite suggestions?” She paused for a moment as the crowd conferred. “Be honest: if somepony came up to you and told you you shouldn’t be eating that cake, or you had too many sugar lumps in your tea, what would you do?”

“You would thank them for their kind attention and refrain from that behaviour in future!” Veggie screeched.

“Wasn’t talking to you!” Pinkie sang. Some of the ponies in the crowd had raised their hooves. “Yes! You sir!”

The stallion Pinkie had pointed out took a step back as everypony looked at him. “Uh, well… thank them, but do it really passive-aggressively?”

“That… that’s a start,” Pinkie admitted. “Anypony else?”

“Ignore them!” one mare cried.

“Yes!”

“Tell ‘em to mind their own business!” another shouted.

“Exactly!” Pinkie’s eyebrows went up as Veggie let out a furious snort.

“What are you doing?!” she yelled. Vee shook her head. “You lot were repeating everything I said not five minutes ago! And now you’re all supporting her instead?”

Pinkie decided to interject. “I don’t think—”

“I HAVE THE MICROPHONE NOW!” The crowd dropped into silence as Hurricane Veggie hit. “No wonder every villain worth an evil laugh ends up taking this town over; it seems you support the last person who opened their mouth!” She began pacing back and forth on the stage. “And in any case, you’re siding with a mare who’s cowardly enough to hide behind a mask and blow up a barn”—Pinkie tried to raise her hoof—“and no, I don’t care if it was an accident! What have I done? I’ve come here to try and uplift your unhealthy little town with my expertise—not to mention at the taxpayer’s expense—and I haven’t so much as touched any of your buildings. Don’t you want my help?”

There was a moment of silence as the crowd shifted around uneasily. Some of them looked back and forth between Veggie and the costumed Pinkie, as though watching a particularly foul-tempered tennis match.

“Nopony wants ‘help’ if that means you telling them what to do all the time,” Pinkie said. “I heard you! You’re going to make everypony watch one another and get all judge-y whenever they eat something sweet! Is that really a better place?” She swept her forehoof in front of her and began tutting loudly. “Hear that? That’s the sound of the future if Veggie gets her way: everypony disapproving! You wanna end up feeling ashamed every time you eat a slice of birthday cake? Or one of Sugarcube Corner’s famous cupcakes?”

Everypony started shaking their head.

“There won’t be a Sugarcube Corner if you keep this up,” Veggie growled.

“Hear that? She wants us all shut down!” Pinkie cried triumphantly. “That’s the most beautiful thing about this town; you want to eat nothing but frosting, have a week-long hallucinatory episode from the sugar, then nearly be declared clinically dead, you can!” she said. “...not that I’ve ever done that, or anything,” she hastily added. “This was, this is, and this always will be the town of eat-what-you-please! Now who’s up for an onslaught of doughnuts?” There were whoops of approval from the audience.

“Enough.” Veggie’s voice wasn’t especially loud, but the icy menace in that word was enough to strike all who heard it into silence. She hopped up onto the podium itself, perching on its slanted surface. “I’ve tried being nice, I really have. But I can’t pretend that I don’t know better than this any longer.” She stared down at the crowd once more. “I put my own neck on the line for this job! I gave you a chance to help yourselves, and instead you’re going to follow some idiot in a superhero costume to your own doom! Obviously, the softly-softly approach isn’t going to work.” She grinned evilly at Pinkie. “So! Starting tomorrow, I am going to be rolling out some new rules in this town, and they will be mandatory.” She shivered again as the ponies in front of her gasped and looked fearful. “And as for your beloved masked hero…” She shot her head back to look at Cloudchaser and Flitter, who had started hugging one another in mute terror. They trembled as Vee’s awful gaze fell upon them. “Sugar Watch, go.”

“Y-yes, ma’am!” they whimpered.

Uh oh, Pinkie thought. She took a step back, making the thatch rustle. “I’d… better get going. Bye!” she shouted. She began running as the twin pegasi on stage took off and began flying towards her, both with thunderous looks on their faces.

As when Rainbow had pursued her last time she was wearing this costume, Pinkie hopped across the thatched roofs of the town. She didn’t have any destination in particular; right now she was more concerned about shaking off the two frighteningly fast pegasi chasing her.

“C’mon, Sweet Tooth, we just wanna talk!” Cloudchaser shouted, flying on one side of her.

“Yeah! And see who’s behind that mask!” Flitter said. The sisters flew on either side of Pinkie, keeping her path in check. She tried to respond by jumping up onto higher parts of buildings, trying to frustrate one or the other pegasus long enough to change her direction. But, it was to no avail. With two ponies working in tandem, it was far harder to evade them both while keeping them out of hoof’s reach.

Pinkie’s eyes went wide as she realised they were driving her towards Sugarcube Corner; closer to safety, sure, but also closer to a street too wide for her to safely jump across. They were going to drive her down into the crowd and pick her off at their leisure! There was only one thing for it: do the completely unexpected.

“Flitter! Catch me!” she cried, leaping to her left.

“Wait, wha—oof!” Flitter dropped out of the sky as Pinkie jumped into her and wrapped her forelegs around her. The two ponies dropped like a stone and impacted with the road below.

“Thanks!” Wasting no time, Pinkie zoomed off down the street. With any luck, she could run far enough to lose the Sugar Watch temporarily, ditch the costume, and get out of there.

That plan, however, didn’t account for having a Wonderbolt candidate on her tail. Cloudchaser put on an extra burst of speed, barely missing Pinkie as the costumed mare ducked underneath her. She carried on going, somersaulting gracefully and hovering at the narrow end of the street, blocking Pinkie’s exit. “Come at me, sis!” Cloud shouted triumphantly. Her brow furrowed. “No, seriously, Flitter, get your lazy flank over here now!”

Pinkie skidded to a halt and turned to see Flitter zooming at her with a vengeance. She began to pick up speed, hooves out in front of her and dishevelled pink bow fluttering in the wind. Her fury-filled eyes locked onto Sweet Tooth as she reached terminal velocity.

Just before the two impacted, Pinkie ducked. Flitter carried on right overhead, squealing in fear as she lost control. Pinkie watched as, seemingly in slow-motion, Cloudchaser had the wind knocked out of her by her sister slamming into her stomach. The two pegasi coalesced into one yelling mass, flung across the street by Flitter’s momentum. She winced as they struck the wall of the building on the far side of the street with a crunch.

“Thanks for the great chase, girls! Keep it up!” Pinkie said as she passed them.

Cloudchaser, trapped under her groaning sister, glared up at her. “You haven’t heard the last of this, Sweet Tooth,” she growled. “I’ll make sure of it.”

Not wanting to stay out in the open any longer, Pinkie swiftly ran down a set of alleyways that would lead her to the secluded rear entrance of Sugarcube Corner. She pulled off each item of her costume, before wrapping them into a bundle and putting them in a discarded paper bag. Once disrobed, she walked up to the back door and pushed it open.

Mrs. Cake smiled at her in greeting as she entered. “Good day, dearie?” she asked.

“Getting better!” Pinkie said.

Quango scurried through the streets of Ponyville, feeling the weight of every pair of eyes looking upon him. He wished he were back in Canterlot, at his desk, far away from the limelight that was currently shrivelling him up. Unlike Veggie, he had found that public attention did not suit him. She thrived in it. Well, thrived, then went slightly crazy, then back to thriving again.

“Why, Quango? Why did you not just shred that dossier? Why did you not just throw it in the incinerator and run away?” he muttered to himself. “And why, oh why, did you agree to work with Veggie Vee, of all ponies?”

He’d been following the trail that Sweet Tooth and the Sugar Watch had left in their high-speed chase, various eyewitnesses sending him the way of Sugarcube Corner. Quango’s eyes widened as he saw the huge queue snaking out of the bakery and heard the commotion coming from within. He edged up to the front door, trying to gain access. “Excuse me! Coming through!”

“Hey! No cutting in the line!” somepony shouted. “You want your last cupcake before that madmare bans it all, you gotta wait like the rest of us!”

“‘Madmare’?” Quango asked. “Oh…” Veggie had been rather too animated during her second confrontation with Sweet Tooth, it would seem. “Well, I’m Veggie Vee’s second-in-command, so—” He cut off as everypony around him backed away as though he had the Cutie Pox. “Thank you.”

He walked into Sugarcube Corner, the ambient chatter now dulled to a suspicious murmur in his presence. Quango noticed ponies with piles of confectionery and baked goods, either in bags or on plates. Despite their indulgence, none of them seemed particularly pleased about it. However, his main attention was now on the two agitated pegasi hovering in front of the counter, harassing the store’s owner.

“C’mon, give her up!” Cloudchaser snapped.

“Yeah! We know you must know something about her, and we’re not gonna let Sweet Tooth get away that easily!” Flitter piped up.

The portly mare behind the counter frowned and backed away a little. “I’m sorry, my dears, I don’t know what you mean. I’ve already told you: all I heard was that tremendous crash you had! There’s nothing else I can say,” she said.

Quango trotted over to the squabbling trio. “Ladies,” he said, putting on the smoothest tone he dared. “Is there a problem?”

Cloudchaser looked down at him. “Oh! Hey, Quango. Yeah, we were just trying to get some information out of Mrs. Cake. We chased Sweet Tooth to just around the corner from here, but she shook us off. I bet you anything this place has something to do with her! I mean, Sugarcube Corner, right?”

“Right…” he said trepidously.

Flitter scowled at Mrs. Cake. “Uh huh. But, she’s being really difficult! Won’t tell us anything!”

Quango sighed and looked at Mrs. Cake. “Is this true?”

“I’m afraid I’ve told them all I know. I found the poor dears in a big heap just across the street,” she said. “That’s all I saw of the chase. I made sure they weren’t too badly hurt and that they were alright. I even made them a cup of tea, but they seemed so keen to get on with their jobs.”

He looked up on the counter and saw the aforementioned cups of tea. Somehow, that managed to offend him more than anything else. Who turned down a conciliatory cuppa?! “Girls, for the love of Celestia! This mare was kind enough to bring you in after you hurt yourselves, and you repay her by interrogating her and holding up the queue?” Quango cried.

“But—”

“No ifs or buts, young mare! I want you to apologise to Mrs. Cake.”

Flitter and Cloudchaser both landed and shuffled about a little, red-faced, before mumbling “Sorry” at the floor.

“Quite alright, my dears,” Cup Cake said.

“Like, now what?” Flitter asked petulantly.

Quango snorted. “And now, you’re going to take that tea, go over there, and you’re going to drink it. And then, after you’re done, you’re going to say ‘thank you’ for the hospitality, and then you’re going to leave, quietly. Understood?”

Cloudchaser stamped her hoof. “You’re not the boss of us!”

“Actually, I’m Veggie’s right-hoof pony. So, in her absence, I am your boss. Now scoot!” he said.

The sisters rolled their eyes and sighed heavily, before taking their tea and retreating to a table in the far corner.

“Well, well, well,” Mrs. Cake said admiringly. “Aren’t you the firm but fair stallion! You know, you’d make a fantastic father; your marefriend must be very lucky to have you.”

Quango laughed nervously, hoping against hope that Mrs. Cake hadn’t misjudged his connection to Veggie. “I’m afraid she’s not in my life yet, whoever she is!” he said.

Before Cup Cake could answer, there was a patter of hooves, and Pinkie’s head stuck up from behind the counter. “You called?” she said.

“No…?” Mrs. Cake said.

“No!” Quango exclaimed, wings shooting outward in shock. He turned red as a radish.

“Really? Darn. I must’ve been a little early!” Pinkie said, consulting a watch on her wrist. “I thought you were about to call me to the counter to deal with the rush! Your voice always gets a little different when we’re really busy, Mrs. Cake.” She tapped her chin with a hoof. “Well, that and I can see the queue from my bedroom window! Also, hey, Quango!”

Quango cleared his throat. “H-hello again, Pinkie. You wouldn’t mind if I spoke to Mrs. Cake for a while, would you?” Pinkie shook her head and smiled, before hopping up to the counter to deal with the deluge of customers.

Mrs. Cake walked around the counter and stood next to Quango. “Now, how can I help you?” she asked.

“What exactly is going on here?” he asked. “This doesn’t exactly look like a normal day for you, and nopony looks especially happy with their purchases.”

“Ah… I think that may be down to what happened at the square today, dearie,” she said. “Not that I mean to criticise you, but I believe that your superior may have, um, panicked some of the ponies who heard her.” She frowned. “We haven’t had the best of histories with people turning up and imposing their own rules on the town, you see.”

A mare sitting nearby overheard their conversation and sat up. “Hey! Everything was just fine until that stupid Sweet Tooth turned up and made Veggie Vee go crazy! If she just left well enough alone, we wouldn’t be in this mess,” she said.

Mrs. Cake nodded, and her eyes flicked toward Pinkie momentarily. “Yes, that as well. I think everypony is trying to get one last hit of sugar in before whatever tomorrow brings. Personally, I can’t say I particularly enjoy seeing ponies binge on our products. I’d rather them enjoy them as treats.”

Quango rubbed his forehead and clenched his eyes shut. “I’m sure Ms. Vee just said a few things she didn’t mean to in the heat of the moment.” He looked up into the unbelieving eyes of Mrs. Cake. “Alright, Public Relations 101…” he muttered to himself. “C’mon, Quango, there must be something you can do to make them believe you.”

His head jerked up as a sudden epiphany hit him. Quango looked over to the counter, where Pinkie was serving the last of the queued customers. He walked over to her and poked his head over the counter. “Pinkie, give me… give me whatever you recommend.” He heard a few gasps as he made his announcement. “Regardless of the situation here, I don’t think anypony should have to forego sugar altogether.”

“Okie dokie lokie! Hope you enjoy it!” Pinkie placed a flat piece of confectionery on a plate and slid it to him. It was a swirl of pastry, covered in white icing and crowned with half a glace cherry, and it smelled like heaven to Quango. No wonder this place had such a loyal clientele! As he raised the baked good to his lips, there was another chorus of gasps throughput the bakery as a yellow glow surrounded his food.

“Put the bun down, Quango,” said Veggie, her voice dangerously quiet. She walked through the front door toward him, ponies cowering away from her as she passed. “I told you I didn’t want you going native on me, didn’t I?”

“V-Veggie.” He put the bun back on the plate and smiled uneasily. “I… thought you were sticking around in the Town Hall?”

She snorted and rolled her eyes. “Well, I would have done, had I not lost most of my subordinates hunting down that accursed Sweet Tooth! And now I find you all just deciding to relax in the headquarters of the sugar eaters! Buns? Cups of tea?” Cloudchaser and Flitter both looked up guiltily. “What do you think you’re doing, taking bribes?”

“I’m just trying to be a little more moderate—”

“You’re being an enabler!” Veggie swept her foreleg across the bakery, customers ducking beneath her pointing hoof. “Look at them all! They don’t even understand what they’re consuming; do you think eating one bun and calling it ‘in moderation’ is going to make a lick of difference to them?” She looked at one table, where a brown stallion was sat, almost completely hidden behind the mountain of muffins. He shook as Vee approached him with a pitying expression on her face. “Sir, you do realise this does not constitute a balanced meal, don’t you?”

He nodded mechanically. “Please don’t hurt me,” he mumbled.

“I wasn’t—what?” Veggie shook her head and looked around the bakery. “What is going on here? Everypony seemed overjoyed about my proposition this morning, and now you’re all acting like I’m Nightmare Moon or something!”

“Th-that was before Sweet Tooth turned up,” the stallion whispered. “There’s going to be rules. And nopony knows what those rules are.”

“Oh.” Veggie scratched her head. “Yes, everything did go a little hazy after that terrorist arrived… Well, fear not, citizen! I shall ensure that all policies are carefully calibrated to the long-term health and wellbeing of this community, provided that everypony co-operates, just as I promised this morning!” She stood tall and puffed her chest out as a wave of utter apathy hit her. “Ahem?”

Quango tugged on her tail and pulled her to one side. “Veggie, I think they’re all a bit disillusioned after you went from ‘friendship and co-operation’ to yelling about mandatory rules in the space of a few minutes,” he murmured.

“Well, what did they expect?” Veggie hissed. “Of course we can’t just leave these ponies to their own devices! They can’t be trusted to sort themselves out, they need the government! The rules were always going to be there, I just had to change my tack after they all began nodding along to Ms. Rot-Your-Teeth.”

“Nevertheless…” Quango’s mind went into overdrive as he tried to think of a way of making his proposition palatable to her. “I think you may not come across as friendly any more, Veggie. If you’re going to look like you understand again, you need an… acceptable face to your campaign.” He rubbed the back of his neck as she stared at him. “Say, somepony who does deal in sugary products, and yet feels that a bit of restraint on the whole unhealthy eating thing wouldn’t go amiss?” He put on a frozen grin, eyes flicking toward Mrs. Cake, hoping against hope that Vee would take the hint.

Veggie nodded slowly, before her eyes widened. “Of course! This is how I gain her trust!” she muttered.

“I’m sorry, wha—” Quango gasped as Veggie walked over to Pinkie, completely ignoring Mrs. Cake. “Wait!”

“I need to do this, Quango,” she muttered, turning back towards him. “I can’t divulge why, but it needs to be the pink one.” Veggie carried on walking. Her expression was a look of pure artificial sweetness. That is to say, almost like the real thing, but with enough difference to make one suspicious, leaving a weird aftertaste, and probably some laxative effects if used too often.

Pinkie gasped as Veggie reached the counter. “Veggie Vee! Since when did you want one of Sugarcube Corner’s famous Carrot and Coriander Cupcakes?”

“I didn’t. What are you talking about?” Veggie’s head recoiled as Pinkie grabbed a cupcake with a swirl of orange frosting and green sprinkles and held it up in front of her. Her horn flared, pushing the cake to one side. “I was here to ask for your... help,” she said slowly.

“Oh?”

“Yes! I think I need a friendly face for my campaign, and it needs to be somepony who understands sugar,” Veggie explained. “You’re the only pony who’s not either allied to me or scared stiff of me. You’ve been smiling all the way throughout, and frankly I find that rather disturbing. But… I think you’ll suit me.” She scratched the back of her neck. “For some reason I can’t explain, everypony else seems to trust and follow you. And, you’re not Sweet Tooth, so that’s a big bonus too. If I could use that charm to help with stopping these sugar binges, I’d be very… um, grateful. What do you s—ugh!” Her speech cut off as Pinkie jumped over the counter and hugged her tightly, giggling.

“Great! I knew you’d see sense in the end!” she exclaimed. As Veggie looked at her quizzically, Pinkie swiftly added, “Uh, that is, talking to somepony like me! I’d love to help you with your rule-making; trust me, there’s nopony better who’ll know how to make it right! I can even make it fun!”

Veggie nodded, an uncertain grin on her face. “That’s… marvellous. If you’d like to come with me to my headquarters, I’d—”

“First, you’ve gotta show you’re serious!” Pinkie sang. She picked up the cake and held it in front of Veggie. “C’mon, have a cupcake! It’s all in moderation, right?”

“Um…” She looked aside to Quango, who simply shrugged his shoulders. Well, every civil servant had to make sacrifices now and then... She levitated the baked good toward her, nervously looking at Pinkie all the while, before taking a small bite and chewing.

The tension in the air could have been cut with a spoon as Veggie swallowed, tears forming in her eyes. “It’s… delicious,” she said quietly, eliciting a wave of relieved sighs around the bakery. “Now, can we get going?” Pinkie shook her head, and Vee’s face fell. “The whole cupcake, huh?” She crammed the rest of the confection in, masticating as quickly as possible.

“Okay, now we can go!” Pinkie exclaimed, watching with a smile on her face as Veggie struggled to swallow the doughy treat.

“Great. A trusting bond, hooray,” Veggie croaked. She clutched at her stomach with a pained expression, before weakly uttering, “Just a second. I need to use the little filly’s room.” She sprinted past Quango to the customer toilet.

“Aww! Did she not like it?” Pinkie said sadly, looking past him.

“I’m sure it’s fine, Pinkie. She tends to forget that she’s a living, breathing pony when she’s in the swing of things,” Quango said. He frowned as he saw a cream earth pony at the back of the room glaring at them. The mare shook her head, making her pink-and-blue mane bounce, before getting up and swiftly trotting out of the bakery. His ruminating on what had agitated her was cut short as the sounds of somepony being violently ill came from the bathroom. There was an awkward silence, before he piped up, “Or it could be a stomach bug, I guess.”

Pinkie nodded sympathetically. “Don’t worry, Quango!” she said. “Now that I’m on your side, Veggie Vee and her plans for Ponyville are going to be unrecognisable from before.” She grinned widely. “I guarantee it!”

Veracity Versus Verisimilitude

View Online

Vee for Vendetta

By Melon Hunter

Chapter 6: Veracity Versus Verisimilitude

“Are you, uh, having fun there?” Spike scratched his head, looking at the pile of books next to Quango. “If I’m honest, I think even Twilight struggled to get through these ones.” He poked one of the spines. “‘Legal Histories of Ponyville’ doesn’t exactly scream ‘bedtime reading’ to me.”

Quango chuckled. “Well, years of dealing with bureaucratic paperwork kinda makes you immune to boring reading subjects.” He set the tome he was reading down on the table in front of him, clapping his hooves together to get rid of the patina of dust left on them. “Still, I’m not really getting anything out of these. It appears the law Veggie’s used to found the Sugar Watch has only ever been brought up to excuse snowball fights in the past.” He sighed and drained the cup of tea next to him. “I was somewhat hoping the flaws in the legislation had already been demonstrated before now.”

Spike shrugged, hopping onto a beanbag opposite Quango and pouring himself a cup from the teapot sitting between them on the table. “I dunno. Is it really that bad?”

“Well, tell me how many times somepony has come to this town and announced they had unlimited power over you.” Quango paused for a moment. “Then tell me how many times that’s gone well.”

“Ah.” Spike grinned sheepishly. “I see what you mean. Is it worth just telling her yourself, first?” He dropped a handful of sugar cubes into his tea and threw one up in the air to catch in his mouth, before seeing the shocked look on Quango’s face. “Heh, sorry. Forgot about the whole sugar thing.”

“It’s fine. I’ve just never developed a taste for adding sugar to anything, myself,” Quango said. He sighed as he looked at the sparse set of notes he’d made. “Still, me telling Veggie something will do nothing; she’ll just laugh it off and pat me on the head or something.” He glowered. “No, Veggie’s one of those ponies who does everything by the book, and only ever listens to direct authority. I mean, you saw what happened when she realised she was in this close proximity to Princess Twilight, right?”

“Twi’s exactly the same,” Spike said. “Man, the stories I could tell about her ruining herself over something that I said was harmless all along…” He shook his head and grinned ruefully.

Quango giggled. “Tell me about it!” He rubbed the back of his neck, staring upward. “Let me tell you a story… this was about a week after I joined Veggie’s think tank, if I recall correctly. I had been sent to the stationery department to get some more legal ruled paper for our reports, as we were due for our quarterly update to the Ministry of Health.” He paused for a moment, holding up his hooves either side of his head for dramatic effect. “I get there. No legal ruled. Only college ruled. They tell me it’s the only paper they’ve got ‘cause we just switched standards. I take it back and, well, you should have seen it.” He cleared his throat and began waving his hooves, voice now a high-pitched facsimile of Veggie’s. “Oh, Quango! We’re ruined! Do you realise how unprofessional we’ll look? How did you manage to get the wrong paper? Go back now and get the right sort!’” He tutted and rolled his eyes. “And, of course, no matter how much I told her it was the right paper, she wouldn’t have it. Until the memo she’d lost down the back of her in-tray turned up: then it was boasting about her foresight in getting me to fetch the right paper all along.”

Spike gave a snort of laughter. “I reckon I can beat that. You know that Twi used to be Princess Celestia’s personal student, right?” Quango nodded. “So, after we moved here, Twilight sent her a friendship report, every Tuesday. No exceptions. Apart from this one time she didn’t have anything to send, of course, and me telling her that Celestia really wouldn’t mind missing one did nothing…”

“Wait, wait, wait, let me guess.” Quango waved his hooves and grinned. “She fabricated a report and Princess Celestia saw through it straight away? Maybe something did happen and everything was fine?”

“Close, but no banana,” Spike said. “She asked everypony if they had a friendship problem she could deal with, and eventually settled for engineering one by trying to make a few fillies jealous of her old doll.”

Quango raised an eyebrow. “I can’t imagine that did much.”

“No, it didn’t. So then she cast a Want It, Need It spell on the doll to force them to fight over it, except the spell was too strong and everypony who looked at it tried to get it. The whole town was brawling over it!” Spike burst out laughing. “In the end, Princess Celestia herself had to teleport over here to sort things out!”

“Ha ha ha h—wait, what? What?!” Quango raised his hooves to his mouth. “That’s horrifying! She hypnotised an entire town just to get a subject for a letter?”

“Accidentally hypnotised an entire town,” Spike shot back. He rubbed his chin with a claw. “Although, yeah, maybe in hindsight that story isn’t quite as funny as I thought it was.”

“I’ll say.” Quango hopped off his stool and began walking around in a circle agitatedly. “Isn’t she performing a magical experiment right beneath us? Could that backfire, too?”

Spike let out another snort, one that was accompanied by a burst of black smoke. “Hey! That was one time she screwed up. Twi’s one of the most powerful and skilled mages Equestria’s ever known; she is not going to let an experiment ‘backfire’. It just needs her to supervise it to stop it fizzling out, s’all.”

“I’m sorry,” Quango said quickly, wings raising slightly. “I didn’t mean to insinuate—”

Spike shook his head and walked over to Quango. “It’s alright. I know you didn’t. I just get a bit defensive about Twilight sometimes.” He held out a fist. “No hard feelings?”

“None at all.” Quango bumped a hoof against the proffered fist, before perking his ears up at the sound of laughter coming from his and Veggie’s borrowed room. “Hm. Sounds like somepony’s having fun. I wonder what’s going on in there?” He shared a glance with Spike, before both pegasus and dragon scampered up the stairs and pressed their ears to the door.

“...well, this is just fantastic!” Veggie exclaimed. “This really has been a most educational experience! Who knew that cookies are normally boiled in treacle? Or that most blancmange will decay your teeth on contact? It’s really quite astounding how many improvements Ponyville already made before I arrived!”

“Glad I could help!” Pinkie said. There was the sound of somepony jumping up and down. “You know, I thought you were a real stick in the mud, but you can’t be any more than a twig. Maybe even a leaf!”

“Um… thank you?” There was a faint swoosh as Veggie picked something up with her magic. “So, these plans for the Sugar Watch should be acceptable to everypony?” Pinkie must have nodded, as Vee continued, “Good. Just, please keep it to yourself. I’d rather not let everypony know ahead of time; let alone Sweet Tooth!”

“Don’t worry! My lips are sealed! Mmm mm, mm mmm m hmm!”

“...right. And you’re happy to have me place your personal endorsement on our posters?”

“Mmhmm! Mm mmmmm, mm hm mmmm hmmm!” Pinkie hummed.

“You really don’t need to literally seal your lips,” Veggie said slowly.

There was a giggle. “Okay! Well, that’s all good, then; just as long as you stick to the plan!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“Oh, don’t worry, Pinkie Pie. I will.” The door handle began to turn. Quango grabbed Spike and swooped back down to the floor of the library, the pair trying to look as relaxed as possible as the two mares exited the room.

Pinkie bounded past, beaming at Quango as she exited the building. Veggie stood at the top of the stairs, waving farewell and grinning, a sheaf of paper held in her magic.

Quango looked up from the book he was pretending to read.“Veggie! I’m… honestly surprised one of you didn’t throttle the other!” he exclaimed. “Good meeting, then?”

Veggie stayed silent, sauntering down the stairs before coming to stand next to Quango. “Oh, it certainly was,” she said. “You see these notes? These are all written by Pinkie Pie.”

He nodded. “Really? They’ll be very helpful, th—” He let out a gasp as Veggie cast the whole stack into the fireplace. “What are you doing?!”

“Taking out the trash,” Veggie said quietly. She gave her horrified assistant a sly smile. “Oh, come on, you must have heard some of her mindless wittering. I mean, really? Her trying to convince me of all ponies of her ridiculous fabrications? We know the fat levels in an average ring doughnut off by heart, Quango.” She fell silent, smiling faintly and giving him a meaningful glance. Then she cleared her throat. “I said…”

He sighed. “Twelve grams, three of them saturated.”

“Thank you. You really thought she’d convince me that they’re normally the size of a cart wheel?! Pah! Her brain must be even more sugar-damaged than I thought! ‘Gain her trust’, indeed! Those notes were not worth the paper they were written on.”

Quango groaned and buried his head in his hooves. “Veggie, why would you take somepony on as an advisor, only to then destroy every shred of her advice?”

“I dunno… Pinkie’s advice is usually a bit hit-and-miss,” Spike piped up. “I once asked her for her cupcake recipe, and whatever it was I made out of it wasn’t cake.” He tapped his chin thoughtfully. “It did work pretty well as glue, though…”

Quango threw up his hooves and rolled his eyes at Spike. “Great. Fine. So what was the point of all this, then?”

Veggie drew herself up to her full height. “My full reasons for asking after her are very much private and personal,” she said primly. “However, the primary advantage is a mere six words.” She raised a forehoof, twitching it in time to every word. “‘This message endorsed by Pinkie Pie.’”

“How is that going to work?” Quango asked. “Surely that’s entirely reliant on you sticking to her suggestions—you know, the ones that are currently turning to ash?”

Vee snickered. “Oh, you don’t think I made preparations for that already?” She began striding around the table, smirking. “By the time I really get things going, her retraction of any endorsement will be far too late. I’ve already sent a request to the Sugar Watch volunteers to start printing the posters! We’ll be putting them up this evening.”

“Hey!” Spike slammed his fist into the table. “You’re not getting anywhere with abusing my friend’s trust while I’m here!” He let out a snort of smoke. “You do that, and I’ll—”

“And you’ll what, little drake?” Veggie glared at him. “May I remind you I’ve faced down the demons that are the Civil Service’s auditors? If you’re going to make a threat, it’d better be a good one.” She clicked her tongue. “How about taking a leaf out of Sweet Tooth’s book and trying to blow up a building that I’m stood right next to, hmmm?”

He backed away a little and held up his claws. “A-actually, I was just gonna leave that to your imagination.”

“Good. I’d appreciate it if you left my imagination to intimidate me in future.” An involuntary shudder ran through her. “After all, it does a good enough job by itself,” she muttered.

Quango gave Veggie a push to the shoulder to save Spike from the abyss of her gaze. “C’mon, Veggie! That endorsement won’t mean a thing the moment you diverge from your agreement with Pinkie, and you just said everything you spoke with her about was worthless. It’s already too late!”

“Don’t you worry, I have a way,” Veggie said. “Once somepony leaks a little conversation that just happened to have been recorded, in which she sets out exactly how to go about my campaign, any faith her allies had in her will evaporate, and she won’t be able to convince anypony that all she gave me was misinformation.” She waved a dismissive hoof as Quango frowned in confusion. “You don’t think anypony would doubt that Pinkie Pie was airheaded enough to do exactly that? It’s painfully apparent she runs her mouth whether she wishes to or not. So, once the rest of the herd hear that, that endorsement is going to stick, whether she likes it or not. Oh, and naturally, she gets thrown under the cart if any of my policies backfire.” She sat back and crossed her forelegs, smirking. “Game, set and match.”

A groan came from across the table. “Veggie, Veggie, Veggie…” Quango rubbed his eyes with his hooves. “This plot is absolutely watertight, except for one small detail.” He fluttered his wings in irritation and spread his forelegs. “How are you ever going to leak a conversation that doesn’t exist? Pinkie never said any of that.”

“Didn’t she? Well, maybe I should show you a present I received from a most unlikely ally...” Veggie picked up a small paper bag from across the room and levitated it toward her. She extracted a couple of boiled sweets from the bag and sucked on them for a moment, before swallowing and clearing her throat. “Hi! My name’s Pinkie Pie and I’m the most clueless pony in Ponyville!”

Quango stared at her in horror as an exact facsimile of Pinkie’s voice emerged from Veggie’s mouth. He gazed over to Spike and whispered, “Are you hearing what I’m hearing?”

Spike merely nodded dumbly, gradually backing away from the table.

“And now I’m going to make sure that nopony ever gets their hooves dirty with sugar in this town again!” Veggie-Pinkie continued. “And nopony’s going to stop me!”

“V-Veggie? Please stop. You’re scaring me.” Quango shrank back as Veggie leaned closer.

“Soon, they’ll all be thanking Veggie Vee, and I won’t make a sweet snack ever again!” she continued. Spike and Quango clung to each other in mute horror as she bore down on them. “And you know what that calls for? A party!” Her insane giggling filled the room.

Deep within the PBSC’s underground lair, a sudden whoop went up as Pinkie appeared in the entrance. She reared up on two legs and struck a pose, spreading her forelegs wide. The ponies in the chamber stomped in applause, cheering her on as she giggled and jumped up on the long table in the middle of the room. “Thank you! Thank you, everypony!” she called.

“Is that it? Have we won?” Saltwater Taffy asked. “She let you tell her what to do?”

“Yes, we have!” Pinkie beamed at the expectant faces in front of her. “Surprise, surprise, Veggie Vee knew nothing about the treats we make! So, I made sure to tell her every silly idea I’ve ever had—especially the ones that Mrs. Cake told me were too dangerous to make—were actually what we normally make in Ponyville!” She let out another giggle. “From now on, she’s gonna look so silly, nopony will take her seriously!”

Another cheer went up, before Bon Bon jumped up on the table, eliciting gasps from the crowd. “You know, none of that would have been necessary if you’d just left well enough alone,” she called, walking slowly down the wooden platform toward Pinkie. “Or did you miss the bit where you made Veggie Vee go from cooperative to downright dictator?” She snorted and stomped her forehoof. “Fan-tastic.”

Pinkie walked up and pressed her snout against Bon Bon’s, the two mares facing off in the centre of the table. “Maybe you missed the bit where everypony was agreeing with her! Or the bit where she let me in to see all of her plans! Now Sweet Tooth knows everything, and has her hoof on everything the Sugar Watch does. Veggie Vee’s the most clueless pony in Ponyville right now.”

“Really? And what were these ‘plans’?”

Pinkie backed away a little and sat back, crossing her forelegs. “That’s for me to know, and you to find out.” She closed her eyes and poked out her tongue at Bon Bon. “Suffice to say, before I turned up, they weren’t anything you’d want Veggie Vee doing. Now, all they’re going to do is make everypony laugh at her, and it’s all. On. Me.” She twitched a raised forehoof in time with her staccato words.

Both mares looked down as Mrs. Cake cleared her throat. “Um, dears? You’re making a bit of a scene,” she murmured. Bon Bon rolled her eyes and hopped back down, and Pinkie mouthed a ‘Sorry’ to her employer. Cup Cake nodded in approval and joined Pinkie on the table. “Now then, I’d like to apologise for delaying this meeting to the evening, but we had to have a rather urgent request completed by the Foal Free Press.” She smiled slyly. “Or, more accurately, their printer.” She nodded to the back of the room, where an ink-stained Featherweight was pushing boxes of paper into the room.

“Oh yeah, posters!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I totally forgot!” She waved her hoof towards the exhausted colt. “We can go and stick them up now it’s getting dark; nopony will see us, and in the morning, her plans will be plain to see to everypony! Who wants to volunte—” She cut off as every pony in the chamber raised a forehoof to the ceiling. “Great! Grab a stack and some hooftacks, then! Let’s get this party started!”

The meeting room emptied as quickly as the poster boxes, treat makers swiftly exiting to carry out their mission. Pinkie watched them go, before giving a start as somepony placed a hoof on her shoulder. She jumped and turned to see Bon Bon, who was smiling apologetically.

“L-look… I’m sorry about earlier,” Bon Bon said. “I tend to snap when things don’t go exactly the way I want them to.”

“It’s okay!” Pinkie smiled at her. “Everypony’s allowed to get grumpy sometimes when they don’t get their own way. I know I do!”

Bon Bon ran a hoof through her curly mane, gaze flickering downward. “Still, I did accuse you of making too much out of that napkin, and Vee really was going to do those things, it seems. I guess you were correct on that part, at least.” She pursed her lips. “And whatever happened this morning, at least you’re going someway to making this right with the posters.” A pregnant pause sat between them, before she piped up, “How about we pair up for tonight?”

Pinkie nodded and jumped up and down in glee. “I’d love to!” she cried. “Where d’you wanna put the posters up? I guess we could hang around here if we wanted to talk, or maybe just help everypony else wherever they are, or—”

“How about the library?”

Pinkie blanched. “But… but that’s where Veggie Vee’s staying!”

Bon Bon fixed Pinkie with a mischievous grin. “C’mon, Pinkie, be daring! You did dress up as Sweet Tooth and go in front of her twice already.” She giggled. “Maybe you can even dress up as her for this?”

“No, Sweet Tooth does all the hard-hitting stuff.” Pinkie huffed and raised a hoof to her chest. “Why, I’m simply mild-mannered Pinkie Pie, engaging in a bit of healthy civil disobedience! There’s no crime to pin on me!”

“If you say so.” The two ponies picked up the last of the posters and pins and exited the room, climbing up to emerge from a trapdoor in back of Sugarcube Corner. As they walked outside, the shapes of other ponies could be seen in the gloom of twilight, all of them leaving pieces of paper attached to the walls. Bon Bon walked up to one of the signs and raised an eyebrow. “I get the message, Pinkie, but was it really necessary to make Veggie’s eyes crossed and have her tongue stick out?”

“Of course! If you get a scary ghostie in town, you’ve got to giggle at it,” Pinkie insisted. “The more ponies laugh at Veggie Vee, the less can take her seriously when she gets all wound up.” She began bouncing up and down. “Now come on! The library’s not going to put these signs up itself!”

“Lead the way.”

Pinkie began trotting toward the great tree, Bon Bon in tow. She could see a lot of ponies out and about, despite the late hour. In fact, it almost seemed like there were more ponies out here than there were in the meeting! They must have brought friends! Also, for some reason, quite a few of the nighttime walkers were wearing cloaks and hoods, as though it were the depths of winter… “Is it me, or did we pick the same night to go outside as the Roleplaying Society?” Pinkie asked.

“I dunno,” the pony next to her muttered.

“Whaddya mean ‘you don’t know’?!” Pinkie exclaimed. “C’mon, Bon Bon! Don’t be so grumpy!”

“Why are you calling me Bon Bon?”

Pinkie frowned in confusion. “Well, duh, you are Bon Bon! ...aren’t you?” She peered through the gloom at the mare. Sure, she had a curly mane… but a mane made of orange hair! And her cutie mark, while comprised of a trio of objects, certainly didn’t include any sweets in its composition. “Wait, Carrot Top? What are you doing out?”

“P-Pinkie? Why are you here?” Carrot took a step back. “Since when were you part of the Sugar Watch?”

“What Sugar Watch? I’m with the Bakers and Sweetmakers!” Pinkie peered at the stack of paper on Carrot’s back. “Are you helping us put up posters? That’s nice of you!”

Carrot returned the inquisitive look. “You mean Veggie’s posters? I guess, but why are you putting them up? I know she took your advice, but I didn’t think you were her new ally!”

“I’m not. I’m anything but her new... ally…” Pinkie stopped her speech as she cringed. “Wait a second. There’s two groups of us—”

“—and we’re each putting up signs saying the opposite thing?”

The two ponies stared at the ground and scuffed their hooves awkwardly, as another pair in the background suddenly backed away from one another with a chorused “Wait, who are you?”

“This never happened, okay?” Pinkie and Carrot said in unison. They backed away slowly from one another, before scampering off at the same time.

Cantering toward the library, Pinkie failed to see another pony in her path. She collided with them, knocking herself back onto her rump. She yelped in surprise as the authentic Bon Bon turned around and glared at her. “It’s the real you!”

“Of course it’s me,” Bon Bon snapped. “I wondered where you’d sauntered off to.” She swept her hoof around at some other sweetmakers, who’d gathered beneath the library’s boughs. “Looks like you’ve got some explaining to do, Pinkie Pie.” She threw a torn piece of paper to the floor in front of her. “As it turns out, we’re not the only ponies putting up notices tonight.”

Pinkie stared at the plundered poster in front of her. “W-what’s this?” Her eyes scanned the page. It was an advertisement for what the Sugar Watch would do next… except it wasn’t silly at all! It was incredibly sensible! She had to stop herself from nodding along to just how reasonable it was; everything from the polite self-policing Veggie had mentioned in her speech, to how much better fruit was than cake. The bottom fell out of her stomach as she read the final line: a bold, heavy typeset proclaiming ‘This message endorsed by Pinkie Pie.’

“So. Looks like somepony’s gone over to the other side!” Bon Bon cried triumphantly. The gathered ponies nodded and began to jeer. “And we all thought we could trust you, Pinkie. Getting bored of just blowing up buildings, were we?”

Pinkie shook her head vehemently, biting her lip. She blinked rapidly to get rid of her forming tears, trying to hold back the burning pain of betrayal. “I did not!” she cried. “That meanie Veggie Vee is a no-good liar! I never said any of this; she’s just pretending I did to make herself look better!” She spread her forelegs and looked around at the others. “C’mon, you have to believe me. Why would I betray you all? I was the one who started this!”

Bon Bon pursed her lips as the other ponies began nodding their heads. “She has a point,” one of them said.

Everypony’s ears perked up as a sudden crackle came from a high-up, open window in the library, before Veggie’s voice began to play, subtly distorted by the recording. “So, just summarise this for me?”

“Okay!” Pinkie’s voice rang out, as the pony it belonged to stood in slack-jawed confusion. “So, you don’t wanna change anything too fast… I mean, Trixie turned up and went bam, glass dome, and nopony liked that. Just go nice and slow, and nopony will notice you’re changing anything.”

“How so?”

“Do all the little things first. Like that being polite to ponies eating too much sugar; that’s just being nice!” the recorded Pinkie said, the sound of floorboards being jumped on mixing into the playback. “And then, once everypony’s used to that, you can carry on going!” There was a giggle. “I mean, you have basically limitless power, right? Imagine all the kooky things you could do with that, huh? You could force ponies to write sugar diaries, or work out how much sugar you’re allowed to eat per day, or even ban sweet things altogether! Isn’t that crazy?!”

“It… certainly is. And fascinating, too,” Veggie breathed.

“Great! I mean, this is just a friendly chat, right? You wouldn’t really do all of those things?” Somepony cleared their throat. “Wink, wink, nudge, nudge?”

“Of course not, um, silly!” The recording suddenly cut out with another crackle.

Pinkie shrank back under the furious gazes of her former compatriots, ears drooping. “I… I…” she gulped. “I didn’t say those things,” she whispered, assertion sounding insincere in her own words, despite the truth she knew was behind them.

Bon Bon grimaced at her. “Looks like we have a traitor in the ranks!” she called triumphantly. “So, that’s what this endorsement was about?” she spat. “Save your own skin by turning the rest of us over to Veggie Vee? Good job, Pinkie.” She turned to the other ponies in the square. “So, what should we do now?”

“Keep her locked up in Sugarcube Corner, I’d say,” one of them suggested.

“Destroy that costume!”

“Submit her to Vee.”

Bon Bon leered at her. “Well, what’ll it be, Pinkie?

Pinkie shook for a moment, before glaring at them. “None of it!” she cried. “I’ve already changed my voice to be Sweet Tooth once; you don’t think Veggie Vee has some weird spell that does the same for my voice?!”

“What, you think I gave her some of my voice-changing cough drops?" Bon Bon crooned. "Now why would I do a thing like that?”

Pinkie simply gaped at her. “You… you…”

“Nopony’s buying it, Pinkie.” Bon Bon grinned evilly at her. “Better get used to doing that Sweet Tooth act in your bedroom, ‘cause you’re going nowhere else until this is all over.”

“Even if you keep me inside, you can’t lock up Sweet Tooth,” Pinkie said defiantly. “I’m a pony; she’s an idea. And you can’t keep ideas from being free.”

Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “Knock it off with the ideological st—”

“Purple elephants.” Pinkie crossed her hooves triumphantly.

“Wh-what?”

“You’re thinking of purple elephants, aren’t you?” Pinkie tilted her head and grinned. “C’mon…”

“...For the love of Luna, yes I am,” Bon Bon said in resignation, rubbing the sides of her head.

Pinkie jumped up and down in glee. “Told ya so! I got the idea out of my head and into yours! Even if I can’t be Sweet Tooth, somepony else will.” She closed her eyes and held her forehooves out in front of herself melodramatically. “Now, do your worst, unbelievers!”

Bon Bon watched as a sweetmaker took Pinkie’s tail in his mouth and dragged her away from the library. She picked up one of her own posters and placed it next to the Sugar Watch’s, before trampling the pair into confetti. She grinned as she saw fragments that had fallen to form the slogan ‘This mess/ endorsed by-- Everypony’.

“And so it will be, whether they know it or not,” she muttered to herself. “Veggie and Pinkie? You’re both the same fool, and you’re both going to fall just as hard when you realise that…”

Veggie sat back in her chair, sighing contentedly. Quango was still downstairs with Spike, so she’d taken the slight risk of wearing her favourite eggshell blue dressing gown and fluffy bunny slippers. Not that she’d be seen dead with those when anypony else was around, but while she knew she was left safely alone, Vee felt that a little embarrassing creature comfort was worth it.

Her horn lit up, surrounding her steaming cup of chamomile tea with a golden aura and raising it to her lips. It had been a horror show of a day, what with having to cope with both a visit from the despicable Sweet Tooth and having to speak with Pinkie Pie. Still, at least the latter had been dealt with. Veggie leaned back and tapped the gramophone on her desk with a hoof, playing the record it contained again. She had been listening to the fake discussion she’d created on loop all evening; after all, she had found no better way to nurse a bruised ego than to massage it. Tomorrow, somepony would be finding that recording in their mailbox, and then the real fun would begin.

A gust of wind blew in the room, rustling her notes and making her shiver. She’d left the window open to let the night air in, her room having been rather too stuffy for her liking before. Sure, that would let anypony standing right outside hear her doctored conversation as it played on repeat, but how would that cause any trouble?

Veggie spun around as she heard the door creak open. Quango stood in the open frame, a large piece of paper held under his wing. The two ponies stared at one another for a moment, before he broke the silence with a tentative, “V-Veggie?” He bit his lip. “Uh… nice outfit.”

“Quango! I… um… I was trying out a new costume!” she stammered.

“...Right.”

“Yes!” Veggie tapped the floor with her hoof nervously. “It’s, uh, Clover the Clever’s!” she blurted out. “You know how those Starswirl cosplayers always get all the attention; this is redressing the balance!” She tugged on her gown. “This is definitely an exact facsimile of her cloak, and these—”she wiggled her forehoof—“are most certainly the boots she wore to survive the cold, snowy world she lived in!” Vee grinned insincerely.

Quango nodded slowly. “Of course it is, Veggie.” He held up the paper in a hoof. “You might want to see this. Looks like the Sugar Watch wasn’t the only group out tonight.”

Veggie levitated the poster towards her, regarding her own caricatured face with an icy glare. “Dissident propaganda,” she hissed. “They’re moving more swiftly than I thought…” A smile chased across her lips. “Still, it looks as though they’re trying to paint me as an idiot. That won’t do them any favours.”

“I guess we could get the Watch to take these down?” Quango offered.

“Hmm…” Veggie rubbed her chin. “No, let them stay up. I want everypony to see this, and see it against our own posters.” She set the poster down and smiled at Quango. “But, tell the Sugar Watch to gather in the Town Hall first thing tomorrow morning. We need to move faster than the rebels if we’re going to keep up.”

“What happened to not changing anything too fast?” Quango cried.

“That was before, Quango. Sweet Tooth as a single actor could be contained, but this is the work of a larger group. They must be suppressed, and quickly,” Veggie said. She stared at him for a moment. “What are you waiting for? In the name of Clover the Clever’s fluffy slippers, go!” She grinned as he scampered away, before sidling over to the gramophone and laying her head against it. “And as for you, we have a very important date tomorrow, Ms. Pie,” she cooed. “Vis-à-vis, your imminent doom.”

Valiant Vigilantes Volunteer

View Online

Vee for Vendetta

By Melon Hunter

Chapter 7: Valiant Vigilantes Volunteer

“Atten-hut!” Veggie allowed herself a small smile as a dozen ponies stood to attention in front of her, each decked out in their new black uniforms. Well, almost a dozen. She frowned as a loud snore rang out. In the middle of the line, Cloudchaser had fallen asleep on her sister’s shoulder, and Flitter’s own head drooped down onto Cloud’s mane, eyelids barely open. “Ahem?”

“Oh… sorry,” Flitter mumbled. She stretched and yawned, nudging Cloudchaser until she was half-awake.

Applejack chuckled. “Well, y’all can tell who has to get up at the crack of dawn for work each day,” she said smugly. The other farmers in the group nodded appreciatively. “That said, generally Ah’m up with the sun, not before it.”

“Yes, well… if we are all here”—Veggie regarded the sisters’ vacant gazes—“in body, if not in mind, then I’d like to begin. First things first, there is the small detail of rewards.” She smiled at the puzzled gazes in front of her. “Oh, don’t think that I’d set up this group without ample room for commendations! Any civil servant worth her salt knows the power of positive reinforcement; why, one of the rooms in my apartment is wallpapered with all the certificates and plaques I’ve received over the years!” She levitated out a pair of hearts crudely cut from green card, each covered in glitter and with a safety pin pushed through them.

Carrot Top pursed her lips. “They look, uh, great,” she said. “What are they for?”

“Oh, these? They’re just placeholders until I can get the proper medals struck—expenses claim got gummed up due to some rubbish about ‘misappropriating public funds’—but consider them symbols of your prestige! I call these ones ‘Green Hearts’: for those brave Sugar Watch agents who sustain injury in the line of duty.” Veggie beamed at her gathered allies. “And yesterday, there were not one, but two, of these actions! So, it gives me great pleasure to award these medals to...”

At that, Cloudchaser and Flitter broke out of their stupour, standing up to their full heights and smiling expectantly. “Oh, it was really nothing,” Cloud said bashfully.

“...myself!” The pegasi’s wings drooped as Veggie pinned both hearts to the lapel of her own jacket. “I had to endure one of Sugarcube Corner’s most revolting concoctions—both on the way down, and on the way back up again! And I don’t really know which time tasted better, quite frankly!” Groans of disgust came from the other ponies. “Nevertheless, it was necessary to lure in and gain the trust of Pinkie Pie! For now we have our trump card: her endorsement of policies her allies couldn’t possibly endure. Her influence will already be broken.”

“So rather than use that to mend our differences, you’ve gone and dirtied her good name?” Applejack said. She sighed and rubbed the back of her neck. “Ah still haven’t forgiven her for gettin’ mixed in with what happened to mah barn, but this just feels like startin’ a fight for the sake of it.”

Veggie laughed dismissively. “Nonsense! You all saw the rebels’ posters this morning, didn’t you?” The Sugar Watch all nodded. “Exactly! Pinkie Pie was very reasonable and patient with my ignorant persona yesterday evening, and yet this dissident propaganda popped up the very same day, insulting me for using ridiculous ideas she suggested! She was the one with ulterior motives; I’m just fighting fire with fire.”

Flitter ground her hoof against the floor, eyes fixated on the impromptu medals on Veggie’s chest. “So, is that what you brought us here for? To get us to tear all those posters down?”

“Good heavens, no!” Veggie raised a hoof to her chest, eyes widening in shock. “Remove a public relations coup for us? It’s the worst thing we could do!” She sighed and closed her eyes for a second. “Now, I realise that I may have been… agitated into saying some unsavoury things and scaring the populace yesterday. Therefore, acting reasonably while our opponents accuse us of outlandish things we haven’t done yet will no doubt restore faith in us.”

“Then why are we here?” Cloudchaser wailed, eyes brimming with tears. “No medal, no job, no lie-in…”

“Oh, there’s no need to fret!” Veggie exclaimed. “I just wanted you all to know your mission before the rest of town woke up. I would like all of you to reassure the citizens that we are the ones helping them, and not to believe the Pinkie Lie!” She paused for a moment to allow the array of weak, insincere laughter to pass. “Ensure that you refute the ranting of anypony mad enough to still support the sweet makers, and if in any doubt, simply consult me. And please, return here around lunchtime; I have a surprise for you all!” As the gathered ponies began to file out, she quickly added, “Education Division, could you stay behind, please?” Two fillies left the group, walking back toward their leader. “Now, which one of you is Diamond Tiara?”

Diamond puffed out her chest and smirked. “That’s me!”

Quango—who had been sat quietly by Veggie—suddenly blanched and turned to her. “What? You’re employing schoolfillies as part of this?” he hissed.

“Naturally!” Veggie exclaimed. “Colts and fillies are highly susceptible to the clarion call of sweetness; I consider myself very lucky to have found not one, but two of their number willing to help me!”

“Well, it’s not like any of our other classmates could do it,” Diamond crooned. “They’re a little too—how to put this gently?—mentally deficient to really realise the damage they’re causing themselves.” She smiled slyly and examined a hoof. “Of course, as the best and brightest in this town, Silver and I would be all too happy to help. I really hate to have to be given power over the others, but what can you do?”

“We’d be so happy to tell them what to do!” Silver Spoon chimed in. The pair smiled angelically at Quango.

Veggie gave a small squee and gathered the two fillies up in a hug. “Aren’t they just adorable?!”

The expression on Diamond’s face suddenly grew thunderous. “Are you going to let me go, or do I need to get my father’s lawyer involved?” She grunted as Vee abruptly dropped her back to the ground. “Thank you.”

“Um… yes. Sorry about that.” Veggie made a show of looking through her saddlebag, before extracting a wad of paper with her magic. “Here. This is an education pack for your teacher to use. Sadly, I’ve only been able to put together a couple of hours’ worth of lectures and exercises so far, but it should tide your class over while I finalise the new curriculum for the rest of the academic year.”

Quango put a hoof over his mouth. “Veggie, you can’t just overturn an entire education board’s system, let alone in a day…”

“I’m not!” she snapped. “It’ll take a week, at least! I need to revise the last advisory document I sent to the Ministry of Education two months ago—which I never got a reply from, same as the others. I don’t know what it is; all of that department seem too cowardly to own up to their hideous mistakes in omitting healthy eating from Equestria’s schools.” She huffed, before putting a smile on her face and facing Diamond and Silver once again. “In any case, please ensure your class goes through these activities.”

Diamond nodded, before piping up, “Oh! A question. If we should see anything that’s breaking your rule—maybe somepony sneaking cakes into class—what should we do?”

“Like I said, simply come to me if you’re in any doubt,” Veggie stated. “I would hope that something as serious as sweet smuggling wouldn’t be going on this soon after setting up the Sugar Watch, but nevertheless, best to leave it to me in cases like that. Just use your discretion as to whether to consult me!”

“Ah… so, I guess we should bring any evidence along too?” Silver Spoon asked. “Just to make sure we dispel any doubt?”

“Definitely!” Veggie raised an eyebrow as the pair flashed wicked grins at each other, before smiling at her again. “Well, that should be all. Run along, now!”

Quango sighed as he looked at the retreating back of Diamond and Silver. “You’ve really outdone yourself this time, Veggie.”

“Whatever do you mean?”

He gave her a deadpan stare. “You just gave those two practically free rein over what they consider to be wrongdoing, and a copy of the lesson plan they can slap on their teacher. What’s to stop them having a power trip and running back and forth between here and and classroom all day?”

Veggie laughed and ruffled his mane with a hoof. “Oh, Quango! You do come up with the most paranoid claptrap sometimes! I hoofpicked those two as Sugar Watch operatives—I trust them as much as any other pony in our group. And besides, all I did was tell them to give their class a lesson, and use their discretion if they see anything dangerously pro-sugar.” She shrugged and raised her hooves. “What could possibly go wrong with that?”

“Sweetie Belle, you’re going to be late!”

Sweetie tripped over her own hooves as the usual rallying call of her Monday mornings rang out. True, it was her sister’s voice calling her for once, what with their parents away in Baltimare, but other than that, her morning ritual was the same as usual: dishevelled mane, check. Half-comatose state, check. Homework that definitely, absolutely had to be completed by the end of the weekend… oops. She hastily grabbed the blank worksheet from its burial ground in the wastepaper bin and shoved it in her bookbag. It could always be done in the first lesson of the day, she supposed. “Coming, Rarity!” She rushed down the stairs, bouncing off a couple of mannequins before skidding into the kitchen.

Rarity sighed as she saw her younger sister. “Sweetie Belle, how many times did I tell you to set your alarm clock last night?”

“What alarm clock?” Sweetie looked up sleepily at the counter, brain still not in gear. “Why’ve you made me two lunchbags?”

“I haven’t. One of them is for myself: I thought I’d stock up on some candy in case that dreadful civil servant gets even more ideas above her station,” Rarity said primly, turning her attention back to the washing up.

Sweetie nodded and levitated one of them into her school bag, nearly dropping it twice. She really needed to brush up on her magic skills… “Ack!” She cried out as she felt something pulling at her hair. “Rarity, get off!”

“You are not going out in public with a mane like that!” Rarity snapped.

“Yes I am; I don’t need you brushing my hair!” Sweetie replied. She cantered through the kitchen’s outside door, before sticking her head around the frame. “I can take care of myself!”

Rarity narrowed her eyes at Sweetie. “If you were by yourself, you’d still be fast asleep. And I’m sure you intended to skip breakfast by galloping out of that door. Nothing to do with your morning rush.”

Sweetie’s eyes went wide. Darn. She had her there. Monday morning would be agony enough without an empty stomach, but there was no way she was conceding to Rarity and returning. “I’ll… I’ll just get something from Sugarcube Corner!”

Her retort was met with a roll of the eyes. “Of course,” Rarity said. “Well, what you do with your pocket money is your business, Sweetie. Just don’t come crying to me if that ridiculous Veggie Vee decides to make an example of you.”

“I won’t!” Sweetie said brightly. “See you later!” She trotted away from the Boutique toward the market to meet her friends.

Upon reaching the Apple family’s stall, her eyes lit up as she saw Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, and then lit up even further as Bloom pulled a couple of fritters off the stall.

“Mornin’, Sweetie!” Apple Bloom said. “Ah figured you’d be hungry for somethin’ if you were this late, and the queues comin’ outta Sugarcube Corner are so long, you’d probably starve by the time you got to the counter.” She laughed as Sweetie took the fritters with a thankful bob of the head and shoveled them into her mouth.

“Why do you have a comb stuck in your mane?” Scootaloo asked. “Is Rarity trying out new fashions on you or something?”

“Mmf’s fy’n b’sch’ by mmnnn,” Sweetie mumbled. Her friends stepped backward slightly as her attempts at speech showered them with crumbs. She swallowed and tried again. “She tried to brush my mane. Had to escape. Too sleepy to notice it, I guess.”

“And I thought I wasn’t a morning pony,” Scootaloo said with a chuckle. She turned toward the schoolhouse and began to walk. “Well, better get this over with…”

The trio trotted quickly to school, keeping a nervous eye on the clock. Not that Miss Cheerilee was that strict with latecomers, but the traditional Monday doze tended to get upset when all the difficult questions were sent your way. They filed into the classroom just as the bell rung, giving a collective sigh of relief as they took to their usual desks.

Sweetie frowned in confusion and exchanged looks with Scootaloo and Apple Bloom as she noticed the scene at the front of the classroom. The blackboard was utterly blank, and Miss Cheerilee was pawing at the ground with her hooves, frowning at some papers scattered on her desk. Strangest of all, however, was the presence of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. The pair were both smirking, and each was wearing a weird black jacket.

Scootaloo prodded her. “Aren’t they part of the outfits you said Rarity was making over the weekend?” she whispered. “What gives?”

Their exchange was cut short as Cheerilee cleared her throat and walked to her usual position by the blackboard. “Good morning, class,” she said, a faint quaver in her voice. “I’m sorry for the change of plans—I’m sure you worked very hard on that arithmetic worksheet over the weekend.” Twist nodded morosely, the rest of the class instead looking away and rubbing the backs of their necks guiltily. “It appears that Veggie Vee would like us all to do some… special activities this morning to—” She sighed and looked back at Diamond Tiara. “—Do I really need to say it exactly like this?”

Diamond nodded and waved a hoof to motion her to continue.

“Fine.” Cheerilee frowned at the piece of paper she was holding. “‘To increase your awareness of unhealthy eating and confront any anti-vitality thinking’.” She shuddered and muttered, “Who wrote this?”

“Don’t worry, it’ll be fun!” Silver Spoon chirped. “As long as you do exactly what we say, of course.”

Sweetie Belle sighed and settled herself down, resting her weary head in her forehooves. As much as the idea of the class bullies having any say in how lessons were run made her uncomfortable, she had at least been offered a reprieve from her homework. For a lesson that was supposed to be special, it certainly sounded like a normal one: Cheerilee wrote something on the board, somepony droned an answer, everypony dutifully wrote it down. No need to engage brain.

She pursed her lips as Diamond and Silver paraded around at the front of the class in some sort of role play. They were both making no effort to hide the smug grins on their faces, and seemed to be delighting in firing off thinly veiled critiques of their classmates’ eating habits. Sweetie instead decided to see what she had for lunch, carefully pulling up her desktop to look in her bag. She nosed open the paper container…

...only to find herself faced with a mound of yellow lozenges! Sweetie tried not to gag as a sickly sweet citrus scent wafted out of the bag, and quickly closed the desk’s lid. She’d managed to pilfer Rarity’s sweet stash by mistake, and of course her sister had stocked up on the ickiest variant she could: sherbet lemons! Just her luck that her ‘lunch’ now consisted of a candy that never failed to give her a stomach ache. She was going to have to do some serious lunchbag contents trading.

Sweetie was jerked out of her musing as Cheerilee rapped a hoof on the floor. “Alright, enough!” the teacher called. She waved away Diamond Tiara’s complaints. “I think that will do for the first session. Why don’t you all take a little recess while I look over the rest of this ‘activity pack’.” She looked back at the stack of paper on her desk and sighed. “I’ll call you back in once I’ve come up with something more palatable.”

Everypony hopped up and began to walk out of the classroom, with the exception of Diamond and Silver, who remained hovering around Cheerilee. Their shrill suggestions sent a shiver down Sweetie’s spine. As if Diamond being removed as editor of the Foal Free Press would have set her back. She took the candy bag in her mouth and carried it out to the playground.

“You hungry again, Sweetie Belle?” Scootaloo jibed, nudging her in the ribs as she passed with Apple Bloom.

“Nh.” Sweetie spat out the bag and shook her head. “I took the wrong bag to school! I left my lunch at the Carousel Boutique and took Rarity’s lemon candy stash instead,” she muttered.

“Aww, that’s too bad.” Scootaloo pushed open the bag, her eyes widening as she saw the contents. “Oh, wow, sherbet lemons! Awesome!” She flicked one out with a hoof, catching it out of the air with her tongue.

“Hey!” Sweetie’s voice cracked into a squeak. “Don’t eat them; I was gonna trade them away for somepony’s lunch!” Scootaloo gave her an incredulous look and she continued, “Sour candy always gives me a stomach ache. I’d rather have a daisy sandwich or something.”

“Eh, your loss,” Apple Bloom said. She looked around the playground and grinned. “Still, Ah don’t think we’re gonna have a problem gettin’ you somethin’ proper to eat.” She sucked in a huge breath and cried, “Who wants a lunchbag trade?” When her offer was met with mere shrugs, she continued, “We’ve got candy!”

In a flash, everypony else in the playground had dashed inside and back out again, now with lunchbags in tow. A rowdy queue formed in front of the Crusaders, with Featherweight pushed to the front. He nodded approvingly at Sweetie’s accidental candy stash and said, “I’ve got some hay fries today; I’ll give you them for the bag.”

“That seems fair enou—” Sweetie squeaked as Scootaloo stomped the ground.

“The whole bag?!” she cried. “Do you actually wanna trade, or do you want to go to the back of the line?” Scootaloo put her hoof on the bag of sweets. “Five lemons for the fries.”

Featherweight gulped and nodded dumbly. He took the fries out of his lunchbag and set them down in front of Sweetie, before taking the promised lemons from Scootaloo and fluttering away. Before the next pony in line could take his place, there came a sudden commotion from the door of the school.

Diamond Tiara stormed out, Silver Spoon in tow. She marched past the queue toward the Crusaders, no complaint coming from the other cowed ponies. “What the hay is going on here?” she demanded.

“Trading,” Sweetie Belle said. “I kinda took the wrong lunchbag to school.” She turned the bag around to show her the sherbet lemons.

Both Diamond’s and Silver’s eyes grew wide. “Were you not even listening in class?” Spoon hissed, before her friend waved a hoof at her to silence her.

A wicked smile appeared on Diamond Tiara’s face. “Oh, these sweets are my favourite,” she crooned. “And you’re trying to trade them to your classmates for a proper lunch?” As Sweetie nodded, she rubbed her chin. “Well, I’d be happy to trade away my lunch for the bag. It’s just some stupid gourmet meal you couldn’t possibly afford, after all. How about it?”

“Well, why not?”

“Aha!” Diamond cried triumphantly pointing a hoof. “So you’re illicitly trading sweets—in a school playground, no less!” She began to advance toward Sweetie, causing the other filly to back away fearfully.

“What are you talking about?!” Sweetie said. “Since when was this not allowed?”

Diamond rolled her eyes. “Were you not listening this morning?” Sweetie bit her lip and looked away, before shaking her head. “Were none of you listening this morning?” Her question was met with a chorus of ‘no’s. She sighed heavily and turned back to Sweetie Belle. “Well, looks like we’re going to have to make an example of you! Silver Spoon, fetch the bag for this sugarlump rump.”

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo darted between Sweetie and Diamond, squaring up to the antagonistic filly. “Y’all leave Sweetie Belle alone!” Apple Bloom shouted. “What, you’d rather her eat a load of candy for lunch? Some Sugar Watch ponies you are!”

“Uh, no,” Diamond Tiara said, rolling her eyes. “Like I said—if you’d actually listened—bringing candy and confectionery to school is now banned by Veggie Vee, and bringing in extra to trade with others is especially banned.” She grinned evilly at Apple Bloom. “And Veggie Vee said that if we saw anything as serious as this, we’d need to bring the evidence to her. So, you two back off while we take this filthy sweet peddler off to the Town Hall.”

“You stay away from her!” Scootaloo yelled. “Sweetie is going nowhere!”

Diamond Tiara narrowed her eyes at her. “Oh really? You really want to get in the way of the Sugar Watch? Especially you, Apple Bloom.” She examined her hoof with a smug smile. “Let’s see what happens when your sister finds out about this—or better, Veggie Vee herself. How long do you think Sweet Apple Acres is gonna last if she takes your tax cuts away?”

Before either of her friends could respond, Sweetie squeaked, “Enough!” She blushed as every pair of eyes in the playground fell upon her. “L-look, it’s not worth it, girls,” she said. “Not if it’s gonna get the Apples into trouble. This is my fault alone.”

“Sweetie, no!” Apple Bloom said. “Don’t give in to these bullies!”

“W-what’s the w-worst that could h-happen?” Sweetie gulped as she saw Silver Spoon advancing upon her with a black bag in hoof. “J-just tell Rarity I love her, okay?” She let out a whimper as the bag went over her head and everything went dark.

“Oh, no! Not this pair of shysters again!”

“Applejack, please—”

“Ah am not backin’ down!”

Quango watched in bemusement as Applejack prowled back and forth in front of an increasingly exasperated Veggie. The source of the commotion was stood next to him—twin yellow stallions, wearing straw boaters and white-and-blue striped vests. They had wheeled in a wardrobe-sized metal box, and were now leaning on it, apparently waiting out the argument. “So, who are you and what exactly’s got her upset?” he asked.

“Why, good sir, we are no less than the famous, the genius, the insuperable Flim Flam Brothers!” the moustachioed brother exclaimed. He winked at Quango. “Purveyors of the finest archano-mechanical labour-saving devices!”

“More like the devious and unscrupulous Flim Flam Brothers!” Applejack snarled. “And your machines are nothin’ but trouble!”

“Oh, a minor altercation, no more!” Flim said dismissively. “Granted, my brother and I overstepped the boundaries of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy in an attempt to win that little wager—”

“You mean connin’ mah family out of their farm.”

“—but that is not a reflection of our machine’s integrity!” he continued. “It did make excellent cider at a far higher rate than your manual methods, did it not?”

Applejack sighed and rolled her eyes. “That much is true,” she admitted. “But let’s not forget the time you tried to sell the entire town some apple juice and pretend it was some miraculous, heal-all tonic! ‘Cause from where Ah’m standin’, this new machine seems just the same: promisin’ the earth and givin’ nothin’! How are you gonna swindle us this time?”

Veggie chuckled and patted her on the shoulder. “Now, don’t worry yourself, Applejack. These fine gentlecolts and I already worked out an algorithm of payment: they get a cut of the sugar tax revenue, in exchange for their device.” She smiled and waved a hoof. “Besides, it’s public funding; it’s not like they can repossess the Equestrian government structure, is it?”

The brothers looked at one another and laughed insincerely. “As if such a thing were, um, possible,” Flam said.

“Exactly!” Veggie clapped her hooves together. “Now, I think the rest of the Sugar Watch will be arriving fairly soon for their surprise, so why don’t we get it set up?”

“It would be our pleasure!” Flim and Flam chorused. They each stood back from the box, their horns glowing with magic. Each delivered an arcane blast of energy to the container.

For a moment, nothing happened. And then, the box suddenly sprang open. Quango gasped as it exploded in size in a cacophony of clanking and whirring, seemingly unending amounts of material unfolding outward. It swiftly grew to the size of a small room, and cables shot out of the top, falling to hang over the rafters of the Town Hall’s ceiling. Flim and Flam telekinetically brought the lengths of wiring together as a device the size of the original container sprang from the mechanical mass and attached itself to the cables, gradually descending to hang in the very centre of the large chamber.

As Applejack and Quango gawped at the huge machine now occupying the greater part of the hall, Veggie stepped forward, murmuring, “It’s beautiful…”

“What is it?” Quango asked.

“I’m glad you asked, my feathered friend!” Flim said, patting a hoof on the dangling device. “This is the finest device from our range: a marvellous, miraculous, mechanical masterpiece we like to call the Fantastically Arcane Thinking Engine!”

“Never again will vital decisions be left to the the whims of the equine mind!” Flam continued. “The Thinking Engine will swiftly analyse any situation and succinctly suggest a solution in a marriage of magical and mechanical engineering!” He framed the device with his hooves. “It learns and grows with every calculation! A truly decisive leader, completely impartial and incorruptible.”

“And how does it work?” Veggie asked, mesmerised.

Flim gave a quick laugh and said “A trade secret, I’m afraid! All I can say of the Engine’s inner workings is that it incorporates a truly bewildering array of cogs and spurs combined with a magical core and a thinking agitator to produce a system of impeccable rational thought.” He smiled and spread his hooves wide. “All it requires for fuel is a lick of magic with every question… and a daily dosage of water and fruit or seeds.”

Quango frowned and looked up at the vast construct. “How is that possible? A machine that thinks?” He shook his head. “Besides, even if it were suitable for this purpose, why would you bring it here instead of Canterlot?”

“We were directed here by a call to arms,” Flam explained. “We were looking for the perfect time and place to demonstrate our prototype! You see, this little venture of yours is one great experiment, and we’re here to make sure it succeeds using our Thinking Engine. Once everypony understands how well you did, they’ll see the machine that made it possible, and clamour for their own!” He grinned at them. “This is just the beginning.”

“Don’t you see, Quango?” Veggie said. “All this time, I’ve been led astray by the vagaries of my own thought and irrationality. Sweet Tooth has been trying to drive me to distraction, and she’s been succeeding.” She walked to the great machine and placed both hooves on it. “But with this engine, I can make every decision with utmost certainty. There will be no more wrong decisions. I will prevail.”

Applejack frowned and fiddled with her hat. “Ah don’t know. Seems to me you’ve just spent Celestia-only-knows-how-many bits on a glorified magic 8 ball.”

Flim and Flam looked at one another and laughed. “Oh, don’t insult us, Applejack!” they said.

“Just go right ahead,” Flim said, sending a bolt of magic into a receiver on the machine’s body. “Ask it a question.”

“Any moral conundrum!” Flam exclaimed.

“Any dilemma!”

“Any enigma, quandary, or other puzzling proposition!”

Applejack grunted. “Ah’m not exactly in the line of work that throws up that sorta thing,” she huffed. “We’re honest folk! What exactly do you want me to ask? ‘What would Granny Smith say if Ah changed the apple mix in our cider to save bits?’”

For a moment, there was silence, before the great machine began whirring and clanking noisily. Applejack and Quango slowly stepped back, Veggie standing motionless. After its deliberation, the dangling console of the Thinking Engine began to clatter as it printed out a long ribbon of paper.

INSUFFICIENT DATA FOR COMPLETE ANALYSIS, it read.

“Ah guess that’s that, the—”

It began clattering again. REGARDLESS, BASED ON AVERAGE CIDER COMPOSITION AND ANALYSIS OF AROMATICS APPRECIATION BY APPLE EXPERTS, ONLY NEGLIGIBLE CHANGES COULD BE MADE WITHOUT DETECTION.

“Well—”

FROM SOCIOECONOMIC DATA AND USE OF ‘GRANNY’ MONIKER, IT IS BELIEVED THAT NOTHING WOULD BE EXPLICITLY SAID IF CIDER CHANGES WERE EXECUTED. HOWEVER, ‘GRANNY SMITH’ WILL LIKELY EXPRESS AN EMOTION KNOWN AS ‘DISAPPOINTMENT’ IN A RANGE OF NON-VERBAL EXPRESSIONS SUCH AS TUTS, SIGHS, AND DIRTY LOOKS.

Applejack cradled the print-out in shock, staring at the words.

THERE MAY ALSO BE MUTTERING TO OTHERS OF HOW “WE WOULDN’T DARE DO THAT BACK IN MY DAY.”

“Still don’t believe us, Applejack?” Flam said smugly, patting the silent mare on the shoulder. “I must admit, the tonic was a mistake for preserving our integrity, but we’ve knocked it out of the park on this occasion, wouldn’t you say?”

Before she could answer, Veggie bounded over. She bounced up and down on the spot, eyes sparkling like a filly on Hearth’s Warming Morning. “Can I have a go?” she exclaimed.

“But of course! After all, you are our main client!” Flim said, waving a hoof to the machine. “Just zap the receiver and ask away.”

Veggie walked slowly to the console and sat down in front of it, staring upward. Her horn lit up, caressing the arcane receiver with her magic. “Tell me…” She paused. “Hmm. Something I already know the answer to, just to be sure. Tell me, is my work required for the survival of this town?”

There was another churning of gears within the Thinking Engine’s main body, only for the printer to produce a single phrase: PROBABLY NOT.

She stood still for a moment, glaring at the printed message and shaking in rage. Flim and Flam looked nervously at each other as she spun to face them. “What does it mean, ‘probably not’?!” she screeched.

There was another clatter. THIS UNIT MEANS: UNLIKELY.

“I-it could just be a hiccup in the programming!” Flim stammered. “Bug got caught in the gears, maybe.”

“Calculate it again,” Veggie hissed. She slammed another bolt of magic into the machine.

DOUBTFUL.

Zap!

ANALYSIS IS NEGATIVE.

Zap!

IMPROBABLE.

Zap!

THIS UNIT HAS NEARLY DEPLETED ITS STOCK OF SYNONYMS FOR ‘IMPLAUSIBLE’.

Veggie growled and sent a ferocious blast of magic into the machine. Some of the energy bounced back, striking her in the horn and knocking her to the ground. She sat dazed for a moment, before climbing back to her hooves and asking, “Why not?”

‘SURVIVAL’ POORLY DEFINED. PONYVILLE WILL CONTINUE TO FUNCTION IN SOME CAPACITY EVEN IN CASE OF CATASTROPHIC SUGAR EVENT.

“But that’s not what I meant!” Veggie said. “By ‘survival’, I meant it being able to shrug off its unhealthy eating habits! The way I know this town is meant to be!”

DO YOU WISH TO RE-DEFINE ‘SURVIVAL OF PONYVILLE’ IN THIS WAY? Y/N

“Y!” Veggie snapped.

The machine printed no more, instead clicking to itself for a moment. Then, without warning, a small offshoot shot out from the side of the machine, burying itself in the ceiling and penetrating spurs through to the storey above.

“Lan’ sakes!” Applejack yelped. “What the hay was that?!”

“Ah, the best part of our wondrous construct!” Flim said. “The Thinking Engine learns and grows! It will produce sub-systems over time as it is taught new information beyond its original programming, as Veggie Vee just demonstrated!” He crossed his forelegs in smug satisfaction. “You’ll be able to see just how far it’s progressed!”

“And that comes at the small price of this building’s structural integrity, does it?” Quango quipped.

Veggie laughed and shook her head. “Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud, Quango! It’s just a scratch. I’m sure Mayor Mare won’t mind.” She gazed up at the Engine, satisfaction flowing through her. This was perfect! A thinker that was able to adapt to her every command and produce a completely logical answer for her. “Now, if only we had a real scenario to test this on…”

Everypony’s head shot around as the doors slammed open. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon marched in, identical grins on their faces. Between them they dragged a white filly, who for some reason had a black bag over her head, muffling her protests. “We got one!” Diamond cried. She pulled the hood from the other filly’s head.

“Wha-what? Where am I? What’s going on?” She stopped and stared at Veggie. “Oh…”

“Sweetie Belle?!” Applejack cried. “What is going on?” She glared at Diamond and Silver. “You two have got a lot of explaining to do.”

“We found her attempting to peddle sweets to the class!” Diamond snapped. “A whole bag, and everypony was trying to buy! Even after our presentation this morning.” She harrumphed and crossed her forelegs, shooting a filthy glare at Sweetie Belle. “Naturally, I couldn’t begin to deal with something this serious myself, so I brought the rebel here, instead.”

Veggie stared in disbelief at the scene. For one thing, how had the dissidents managed to move this fast? And why a playground? Surely there were far better places to clandestinely trade sweets to others… And then there was the fact that her presentation this morning had been so brazenly ignored by the pupils! She looked at Sweetie Belle a little more closely. Blank flank, big, innocent green eyes, and a messy mane that inexplicably had a comb sticking out of it. Had it not been for the giggling menace that was Pinkie Pie, she would have been tempted to dismiss Sweetie as a pro-sugar agent on looks alone. “Oh, really?” Vee asked.

“No, not really!” Sweetie Belle said, stomping her hoof irritably. “My sister bought a big bag of sherbert lemons the other day, and I took those to school instead of my lunchbag by mistake! I was just trying to get myself a proper meal.” She pursed her lips. “Then somepony came over and dragged me away!”

“And the comb?”

Sweetie looked upward and grunted. She tried to remove the comb with her magic, only to get it further tangled in her mane. “It’s a long story,” she conceded.

Veggie sighed in irritation. She had to admire the diligence of Diamond Tiara, but dragging a whole filly to Town Hall instead of the evidence? Fantastic. So much for trying to act reasonably. Well, the dragon had been let out of the cave now anyway. “Whatever the reason, surely you knew it was no longer permitted to trade or give away sugar-rich items on school property?” she asked. “You could have at least gone to your teacher first.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t listening this morning,” Sweetie said, ears drooping slightly. “Nopony was, really. Who wrote it? It was so boring.” She began pacing back and forth. “I mean, usually when we have a special class, it’s something fun. Where were the group activities? Or the arts and crafts?”

Diamond Tiara opened her mouth to speak, but Veggie silenced her with a wave of the hoof. Her eyes widened slightly. “You think you know how to improve on the work of somepony trained as the best and brightest of the Civil Service?” she asked quietly. “A meticulously algorithmically-derived teaching plan that is known to be perfect, no matter where it is deployed?”

“Well, yeah!” Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. “It can’t be that perfect if everypony’s bored out of their minds, can it?” She stared straight at Veggie. “C’mon, if that’s the best you can do, what’s your Civil Service for?”

A terrible, deathly silent settled upon the room. Everypony looked at Sweetie Belle, who squeaked and shrank back under the pressure of the baleful gazes.

Veggie trembled for a second, before shaking off the existential crisis descending upon her. “That is… beside the point, young mare,” she said woodenly. She regarded Sweetie, rubbing her chin with a hoof. “Hmmm… tenacious and rebellious, yet cracks under pressure… you know, I think we have a lot to talk about during your detention.”

“Detention?!”” Sweetie cried. “But I’d had a perfect behaviour record this term!”

“Oh, don’t worry! It won’t be going on your school record,” Veggie said, waving a hoof dismissively.

Applejack stomped over to Veggie and stuck her face in front of Vee’s. “That’s besides the point!” she snapped. “You’re keepin’ a lil’ filly imprisoned all because she needed to break the rules to get some lunch?”

“But look at her!” Veggie whispered. “She could be a goldmine of zeitgeist! A treasure trove of information we could tap!”

“Uh huh. And you realise this ‘goldmine’ is Rarity’s sister, right?” Veggie gave her a blank look. “One of mah best friends? Oh, and Pinkie’s. And Twilight’s. You really wanna take that gamble?”

Veggie sighed. “I can’t exactly release her straight away, Applejack. Not after that show of force earlier—what message will it give out if the rules aren’t enforced? Or the punishments presented as ineffectual?”

“Then that is your fault for givin’ those lil’ tyrants full power over their classmates!” Applejack hissed. “This is your mess, Veggie, and you’d better clean it up properly.”

“I suppose it is a difficult situation to resolve…” Veggie fell quiet for a moment, before her eyes brightened and she looked back at the Thinking Engine. “Of course! A moral quan—”

“Oh no you don’t.” Applejack placed a firm hoof on her shoulder and dragged her back round. “There’s only one way a decent pony would end this, and you don’t need a fancy thinkin’ machine to know that. If you want me to stick around, then show me you know what the answer is.”

“What do you mean?”

“Ah mean Ah am not associatin’ with a pony who’d think it was right to keep a filly imprisoned,” Applejack said, crossing her forelegs. “It was an honest mistake Sweetie made, and you’ll treat it as such. Otherwise, Ah’m leavin’.” She narrowed her eyes at Veggie. “Now you just consider how much help mah family and Ah have given you already. You really wanna throw that away instead of admittin’ you made a mistake?”

Veggie glared at her. “A decent pony would acknowledge this town has a problem. They certainly wouldn’t sweep ‘honest mistakes’ under the rug if that undermined everything they stood for!” She snorted and drew herself up to her full height. “Regardless of her intentions, Sweetie Belle will remain here until I get to the bottom of this incident. From what it sounds like, she’ll be happy not to have to return to school.” Sweetie shrugged and nodded.

“That is not what Ah meant!” Applejack exclaimed. “Are you genuinely tryin’ to justify this? You that desperate to be the villain in somepony else’s adventure?”

“My adventure! I am the protagonist!” Veggie tapped her hoof against the floor irritably. “Well, so much for ‘showing them who’s stronger’. An event like this happens and you’re willing to just fold straight away? Just think what this will look like if we don’t investigate! You’re willing to throw away a hoof in this noble venture over one disagreement?”

“If that’s the price Ah pay for not gettin’ involved in foalnapping, then so be it.” Applejack pulled off her black jacket and threw it to the floor, before snorting and walking past Diamond Tiara to leave. “Oh, and y’all can forget that barn subsidy. Ah don’t need your dirty money.”

Veggie cursed under her breath. She was the one meant to strips traitors of their rewards! “Oh, come on, Applejack! This is ridiculous! It’s a perfectly legitimate usage of my emergency powers to temporarily detain ponies as I see fit,” she said.

“Ah’d like to see you try that one with the town,” Applejack said, smirking. “Somehow, Ah doubt Ah’m goin’ to be your biggest problem if that’s the case. Now, if y’all will excuse me, Ah’m takin’ my leave.”

Veggie stared at Applejack. Her ears drooped a little. Much as she hated to admit it, she’d rather liked having AJ around. Far more easy-going than Quango, more intelligent than most of the dopes forming her Sugar Watch… and now a filthy backstabber, part of her mind added. Just goes to show you can never trust one of these small-town folk. The sugar poisoning always sets in sooner or later. Well, Vee was just going to have to drag her kicking and screaming back into the light. “No!”

“Excuse me?”

“I will not accept this resignation!” Veggie cried. “And you pose a grave threat if you contact the dissidents!” Her eyelid twitched, and she grinned maniacally at Applejack, pointing a hoof. “You are detained here until you rejoin the Sugar Watch and gain my trust again! That is an order!”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “If Ah ain’t part of the Watch now, how can Ah take a command—”

“I said that’s an order!”

The farmer sighed and rolled her eyes. “Oh, of course. What a terrible pony Ah am. Ah’ll just sit nice and quiet in the back room until Ah’ve worked out all mah rebelliousness, shall Ah?” she deadpanned.

“See to it that you do,” Veggie hissed, glaring at AJ as she walked back into the hall.

Vee shook her head as Sweetie tentatively approached her and said, “Um, I sometimes fall out with my friends too and say dumb things to them. She’ll forgive you. Eventually. Probably.”

“Thanks… I think?” She became acutely aware of the silence in the room and cleared her throat. “Diamond, Silver, go back to the school. Your work’s done for now.” The two fillies departed. “Flim and Flam, thank you for your services. I think the Thinking Engine’s sorted. I’ll call on you if I need any further help.”

The brothers doffed their caps. “At your service, any time!” they chorused, also leaving the building.

“And Quango—” Veggie jumped as he stepped in front of her, a look of concern on his face.

“Veggie…”

“I’m fine,” she said quickly. “I just lashed out a little, that’s all. Nothing untoward about it.” She shook her head. “Just round up some of the Watch and keep an eye on Rarity’s house before we give her an official notice about Sweetie Belle. I don’t want this getting any further out of hoof than it already has done.”

“If you’re sure,” he said. “I’ll be back later if you wanted to talk about anythin—”

“Fine, fine,” Veggie waved him away with a hoof and stared at the ground pensively. She was drawn from her reverie by the sound of a throat being cleared, and looked up to see Sweetie Belle stood in front of her.

“So, am I still in trouble?” Sweetie asked. “Is this still a detention?”

“A detention? No, no…” Veggie rubbed her chin and smiled, looking up at the Thinking Engine. “I think we can call this... a re-education.”

Various Vociferous Views

View Online

Vee for Vendetta

By Melon Hunter

Chapter 8: Various Vociferous Views

Patience, Granny Smith had often said, was the greatest virtue a farmer could have. After all, if there was one thing you couldn’t rush, it was growing an apple. Well, unless you were a unicorn. Or had certain zebra potions. Or pegasi giving you optimal weather. In fact, the more you thought about it, the more you found ways to hurry it up…

Applejack shook her head and grumbled in irritation. She had been cooped up in a back room of the Town Hall for the past two hours, kept captive with only her thoughts and mountains of old paperwork in storage. Patience she had, but not when her nostrils were filled with the smell of slowly decaying parchment instead of soil and fresh air, and definitely not when her inaction was causing somepony else harm.

Dust fell from the ceiling as a rumble and the sound of splintering wood rang out for the umpteenth time. Applejack felt a shard of ice in her stomach—what in Equestria was Veggie doing to make the Thinking Engine grow so fast? At best, she was showing its functions to every Sugar Watch member who turned up. At worst, Sweetie Belle was suffering in some unspeakable way. The Flim Flam Brothers could have put anything in that machine!

Enough was enough. She hopped up and tried to push the door open, but it may as well have been another part of the wall for all the good it did. Applejack glowered at the wood, before spinning around and bucking as hard as she could.

A spike of pain in her hind legs was enough to tell her that was a bad idea. That and the fact she’d been unceremoniously dumped on the floor by the force of her kick bouncing back. Applejack climbed unsteadily to her hooves and stared at the door. Two faint imprints were the only evidence she’d kicked it. What the hay had Veggie done to keep her locked in here?!

Her ruminating was disturbed by the sounds of more crashing, now coming closer and closer to her location. Applejack gulped and gradually backed away from the door, clutching the edge of her hat. Her eyes flickered upwards, trying to ascertain if the entire building was about to come down.

As it happened, the situation wasn’t quite that bad. Applejack yelped and leapt back as most of the wall in front of her suddenly collapsed inward. Through the dust, a metal object dangling from some cables was visible, alongside a beaming Veggie. As the door fell down too, it revealed Bulk Biceps. He was wearing the remnants of a Sugar Watch jacket as an impromptu cape, the uniform having turned out to be one-size-absolutely-does-not-fit-all.

“Lan’ sakes!” Applejack exclaimed.

“Applejack! How are you doing?” Veggie said, beaming. “I don’t know if you noticed, but I’ve really been putting the Thinking Engine through its paces recently!” She gestured to the dangling device next to her. As the dust settled, it was apparent its segmented cables were attached to a rail running along the surviving wall. “It’s even started building pathways so it can be by my side no matter where I am in the building!”

“Ah noticed,” Applejack deadpanned. She jumped up and began stomping toward Veggie, eyes narrowed. “Now if you’re done horsin’ around with your new toy, Ah want—”

“Ah! Ah!” Veggie raised her forehoof. “‘I want’ doesn’t get.” She put her hoof down on the remnant of the wall and smiled pleasantly. “Now, if you recall, you’ve been detained for attempted resignation. Until we’ve cleared that little misunderstanding up, you won’t be going anywhere. Literally or metaphorically.”

“I think you’re forgettin’ that big ol’ hole right there.” Applejack tensed and leapt straight past Veggie, galloping toward freedom. There was a loud bonk as ‘freedom’ turned out to be a golden bubble of magic centred around her. She rubbed her head and glared at the translucent walls of her new prison.

Veggie sauntered over and leant against the orb. “You do realise I’ve had to deal with countless subordinates trying to run from me to avoid extra paperwork?” She sighed and examined a hoof. “I really thought better of you.”

“The feelin’s mutual.” Applejack crossed her forelegs. “So, what do Ah have to do to get Sweetie Belle freed?”

“Oh, for goodness’ sake!” Veggie snorted and walked in a tight circle in irritation. “What is your obsession with that filly?! She was brought in for detention, and she’ll stay here until I’m done with her.” She rubbed her chin. “Or, until her bedtime or something. Hard to tell.” Her gaze met Applejack’s. “Suffice to say, I am not mistreating her as you seem to think I am. We just had a lovely and… healthy… lunch together.”

“Really.”

“Yes, really!” Vee snapped. “I even had to dig an old copy of Clue out of some store cupboard for her! For some reason, that was the only way she could articulate her improvements to my teaching regime.”

“Uh huh. ‘Board games’,” Applejack said in a low murmur.

“We even braided each other’s manes,” Veggie growled, pressing her nose against the bubble.

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Ah don’t see any braid.”

“It unwound itself.”

The farmer pursed her lips. Apparently, Veggie was going to just hide her actions behind a list of dubious euphemisms; whatever Sweetie Belle was going through, it must be literally unspeakable. As much as she hated to realise it, Applejack was going to have to co-operate for the time being. Perhaps once she was free, she could find some help… “Look, what am Ah gonna have to do to convince you Ah’m still loyal?”

Veggie’s face instantly brightened up. “So you do want to work with me again! Excellent!” She sucked in a deep breath. “Well, I thought a little more on what you said. And you’re right—you and your family have given me some indispensable help thus far.” She waved a hoof to the now-ruined storeroom. “And really, locking you up is not going to help. Either you want redemption, or you’re already lost to me; the longer you stay in there, the more likely it’s the latter.”

Applejack began to smile in earnest. Finally, Veggie was beginning to think rationally agai—

“So really, I’m just going to have to assume you’ve turned traitor.” Veggie giggled as Applejack choked and jerked in shock. “Oh, don’t be so surprised, Applejack! What, did you think I’d just let you back into the fold, given the volatile situation? No, the last thing I can let a potential double agent do is undermine me.” She began to stride back and forth in front of the magical bubble. “I can see that you’re willing enough to help when it benefits you, but when we get to the gritty details? You baulk at having to do what needs to be done.”

There was a forceful exhalation as Applejack swallowed her pride and her retort. Aggravating Veggie further was the last thing she wanted. “So, that’s that, then? Ah’m just left here to rot until your revolution’s complete?”

“Ha! No. Not quite. But I think I need to give you the same treatment as I gave Pinkie Pie,” Veggie said quietly. “Namely, force you to do something that’ll make sure the rebels will never want you, no matter how much you wish to defect.” She sat down and crossed her forelegs, smiling slyly at Applejack, staying silent just long enough to make the farmer sweat in discomfort. “I want you to find Rarity.”

“Okay—”

“And I want you to tell her exactly how necessary it was to detain Sweetie Belle.” Veggie flashed an evil, utterly satisfied grin. “Accompanied by no less than three members of the Sugar Watch to corroborate your explanation. Do that for me by nine o’clock this evening, and I’ll consider you fully pardoned.”

Applejack sat quietly, trying to process what Veggie had just said. Not the dirty tactics; that was to be expected. But had she actually—yes, yes she had. Vee’d just unknowingly given her a better exit strategy than she’d ever hoped for, and a way to finally rally all of her friends behind her. Assuming she could just pull in a couple of favours…

“Of course,” Veggie continued, “should you fail to perform this act, or the Sugar Watch observers feel you have not stuck to the script, I’ll just have to assume you’re an irredeemable traitor and”—she giggled to herself—“I think we both know what that would imply for your long-term prospects, yes?”

Applejack gulped and nodded dumbly. Right. So she was gambling both her freedom and the wellbeing of Sweet Apple Acres on her little stunt going smoothly. No pressure, then. “W-well, Ah guess Ah’m in luck. You’re far too kind, givin’ me of all ponies a second chance.”

A laugh escaped Veggie’s lips. “I cleaned my hooves this morning, Applejack. There’s no need to lick them.” She nodded in satisfaction. “So we have a deal?”

“Ah think we do.” Applejack spat into her hoof, and Veggie did likewise after a little hesitation. They went to press them together in agreement, only to realise the bubble was still in the way. Both ponies awkwardly hovered for a moment, before finally mashing them against roughly the same spot on the magic dome. As the contract was made, the glow around Veggie’s horn faded, freeing AJ from her prison.

“Now, go and collect your uniform. I’ll have your observers meet you shortly,” Veggie said primly. “Please don’t disappoint me, Applejack. I’d hate to have to get the audiobooks of the entire Equestrian tax code to keep you company in detention next time.”

“So would Ah,” Applejack said, before gulping and letting her ears droop.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” Veggie towered over her, the console of the Thinking Engine raising itself with a quiet set of clanks over her shoulder. “Run.”

“SHE’S GOH-HOH-HONE! And it’s all my fault!”

Pinkie bit her lip as she looked at the scene she’d been presented with. The trio of her friends had tumbled through the doors of Sugarcube Corner just a moment earlier. Rarity resembled nothing less than a monster from the sort of horror movies that struggled to cover ketchup and strawberry jelly in their special effects budget, with her cheeks stained dark grey by the mascara-tainted tears pouring from her eyes, and her mouth wide in a near constant wail. Her mane had long since lost its luxuriant curls, now-chaotic indigo strands wobbling in time with her sobs.

Fluttershy was standing to her side, a comforting wing placed over Rarity’s shoulder, and a near-endless stream of tissues being supplied to try and soak up the deluge of tears. On the other side was Spike, his face a mixture of pity, concern, and naked fury.

“Oh! Pinkie!” Fluttershy exclaimed. “I didn’t know where else to go; I was going to meet Rarity for lunch, but I found her in the Carousel Boutique like this!” She tried giving the unicorn a comforting nuzzle, only to be met with another anguished cry. “I don’t know what’s wrong, let alone how to make it better,” she admitted quietly.

Pinkie nodded. “Don’t worry, I know how to calm her down.” She dashed to the kitchen freezer, returning with an emergency tub of vanilla ice cream and the biggest spoon she could find. She scooped out a griffon’s share and stuck it in Rarity’s mouth as she was mid-wail. The treat had the intended effect as she began to quieten, and then very suddenly an unintended effect as Rarity attempted to swallow the portion all at once to speak, only to cause herself to nearly choke.

After a moment’s frantic coughing and backslaps, Rarity finally took a great intake of breath and shook her head. “Thank you so much for that, Pinkie,” she rasped. “I really prefer my ice cream in manageable doses, for future reference.”

“Yeah, but this was a super-duper mega emergency!” Pinkie exclaimed, wrapping her forelegs around Rarity. “Are you alright? What’s the matter? I’ve never seen you so upset!” She squeezed even tighter as a fresh set of sobs started up. “Hey, don’t worry, we’re all here. You can tell us what’s wrong. As my sister Maud always said, ‘a problem shared is a problem.’”

Rarity snivelled for a moment longer, before clearing her throat and fumbling around for another tissue. In her clumsiness, she instead took hold of Fluttershy’s mane, her quiet protests drowned out by the noise of a nose being blown. “I… she’s gone. Sweetie Belle’s gone.”

“Gone?!” the others chorused.

“Did she get lost?” Fluttershy asked.

“Something take her away?” Spike said.

“Was it a game of hide-and-seek gone horribly wrong?” Pinkie suggested.

“Ye—no! The second one.” Rarity sank to the floor. “It’s all my fault. If it weren’t for those silly sweets I insisted on leaving out…”

Pinkie frowned. “I don’t get why—”

“Veggie Vee took her!” Rarity cried, seizing Pinkie by the shoulders. “They just shoved a note underneath my door to tell me, nothing else. She’s gone because she accidentally took my sweets to school, and now my sister has been ‘detained’!” She teetered on the verge of hyperventilating, pupils dilating. “And the last thing I said to her before she left was ‘don’t come crying to me if Veggie Vee makes an example of you’, and that’s exactly what just happ-eh-eh-ehned!” She broke down into another wave of sobs.

“What are we going to do?” Fluttershy said quietly, doing her best to embrace her grieving friend.

Pinkie let out something between a hiss and a sigh. She turned away from her friends as an ugly expression began to emerge on her face. As much as it hurt to allow it, it was time to let her anger take over fully. No more Miss Nice Pinkie. She was half-surprised not to see her mane collapse from a poofy nebula into a straight cut.

It was one thing for Veggie Vee to come here and lecture Ponyville about healthy eating, and to threaten Sugarcube Corner. And yes, maybe she had brought some of that on herself and her friends by absolutely-accidentally-not-even-for-insurance-fraud blowing up the Apple family’s barn and further provoking Veggie after the Sugar Watch came along. But now, she’d taken away a filly!

Enough was enough. She was going to stop Veggie Vee now, forever, and she’d make sure that nopony from the Civil Service ever darkened their doorways again. She stood up straight, putting on her best serious expression. “Wait right here, Rarity. I can fix this, I promise.” Her normally cheerful voice was sober enough to startle Rarity out of her grieving, instead leaving her nodding dumbly.

Pinkie spun around and scampered up the stairs to her bedroom. She scowled at the sight that greeted her; practically every last possession she had had been opened up, examined, and taken away by the traitors in the PBSC, leaving her room almost bare. A pile of wrapped boiled sweets had been left in the centre of the floor as ‘compensation’, Bon Bon having revelled in reminding Pinkie of her treachery and hostile takeover of the Committee.

Gummy was extracted from the candy hoard by a pink hoof as Pinkie paced the room, wondering how best to present herself. Bon Bon had had the Sweet Tooth costume destroyed the moment Pinkie had been dragged back to Sugarcube Corner the night before, and as far as that no-good traitor was concerned, that was that for the masked mare. What she’d forgotten, of course, that there were not one, but five of those costumes stashed around Ponyville. And thanks to her foresight and quick hooves when she’d talked to Veggie at the library, Pinkie had a spare.

She placed her head against her wardrobe and carefully pushed it to one side, before feeling around for the loose floorboard that was concealed beneath it. Once she had access to her secret stash in the floor, Pinkie extracted the new Sweet Tooth costume, made from Twilight’s old Mare-Do-Well costume. It wasn’t as good as the original; a little careless patchwork from removing the horn pocket on the mask, ribbons and symbol not quite matching the first pattern, and just a little too tight all around thanks to Pinkie’s, um, big bones. Earth ponies just got to be stockier than unicorns, that was all. And besides, it wasn’t like it was going to fit an alicorn without some serious modifications. She quickly clambered into the skin-tight suit, pulling the mask over her head and popping the slightly creased hat on to finish the ensemble. Rarity was going to love this.

Heading back to trot down the stairs, Pinkie began to entertain some scenarios in her mind. She secretly wanted Bon Bon to see her, just to see the look on her face. Not to mention Veggie Vee—or indeed, anypony in the Sugar Watch! Wouldn’t they just hate to have the smug looks wiped off their faces when they saw Sweet Tooth walking again…

She was jerked out of her reverie as she reached the top of the stairs, because it turned out there actually was a pony from the Sugar Watch at the bottom of the stairs. And they really didn’t look smug at all: in fact, they looked incredibly angry!

This was probably something to do with the fact that Pinkie had destroyed their barn a couple of days ago.

“Oh, hi, Applejack!” Pinkie tried to say in a high-pitched voice, her speech getting caught in a three-way tussle with a nervous giggle and strangled scream in her throat, producing “Ah-ha-haaa-aggghh-hap-lha-ja-ha-ck?!” instead. Her hoof whipped off the mask and hat in a flash, revealing the face of a pony trying so desperately to play it cool she was in danger of causing a new Ice Age.

“Pinkie Pie.” Applejack glared at her from the foot of the stairs, muscles flexing slightly beneath her black uniform jacket. “What a surprise.” Her voice was a hoarse whisper, shot through with menace.

“I-I-I… I know, right?!” Pinkie let out another nervous giggle. “What a time to get into cosplaying, huh?”

Pinkie’s attempt at a grin evaporated and sweat broke out on her brow as Applejack’s scowl grew ever deeper. “You. Have. Lied. Enough. Missy.” The farmer stomped up a step with each word, claps of hooves on wood loud enough to wake a dragon. “What in the hay are you wearing that darned costume for now?”

“Well, uh…” Pinkie bit her lip as she searched for the most diplomatic answer. “You know that mysterious masked vigilante going around town that nopony knows the real identity of? Turns out it’s me! Small world, hu—”

“Of course Ah know you’re Sweet Tooth!” Applejack yelled, slamming a hoof into the floor and climbing another half-dozen steps. “Ah’ve known all along, ever since you first turned up! Ain’t exactly hard to work out which one of us owned a Mare-Do-Well suit and had a whole heap of reasons to go chasin’ Veggie Vee off!”

“Then why did you let me off the other day?”

The question seemed to take the wind out of Applejack’s sails, causing her to sigh and look away. “Ah didn’t want to believe it was you. Ah didn’t want to believe the pony Ah’ve been friends with for years—and welcomed into mah family with open arms, no less—would do a thing like that.” She looked back up at Pinkie. “You’ve never meant to hurt anypony with your plans, Ah know that much. But surely anyone could see how dangerous—how stupid—it was to set off a bunch of fireworks all at once like that. Ah thought it must’ve been done on purpose, that explosion.” She let out a faint snort and shrugged. “So Ah made up some silly lil’ tale in mah head that despite all mah good sense, it wasn’t really you. You’d left the costume to somepony else, and they were the one with the nasty ideas. You’d had it stolen, or been talked into somethin’ you shouldn’t have. Anything, other than admittin’ it was you all along.” The corner of her mouth twitched downward. “Guess Ah let Discord back in mah head with that: ‘When all the truth does makes your heart ache...’”

“‘...sometimes a lie is easier to take,” Pinkie concluded. She nodded morosely and scratched the back of her head. “I get it.” There was a moment’s silence as she stared at the ground. “But, well, I did try to say sorry…”

“Only when you were behind that mask!” Applejack snapped. She walked close enough to press her nose against Pinkie’s. “But when Ah came along and confronted you in person, you just gave me the run around. That ain’t honest in the slightest.”

The accusation made something snap inside Pinkie. All of this coming from a pony wearing the jacket of the Sugar Watch; the very first pony to turn her back on her friends in favour of Veggie. She stomped a hoof and began to push Applejack back down the stairs. “And why do you think I wear it? Remember what I had on me the first time ‘Sweet Tooth’ turned up? The napkin.” Pinkie gave a satisfied grimace as Applejack gulped slightly. “That’s right! I knew all along that Veggie Vee was the meaniest of the meany ponies, and right from the start, she wanted to shut down Sugarcube Corner! You think I’d just ignore that?!”

Applejack cleared her throat. “Well, Ah mean, Ah hardly thought she was actually gonna do that…” She shrugged as she slowly backed away from Pinkie. “She’s just a civil servant! Ah thought the only thing she could do was give us a tax break, not shut anythin’ down!”

“But she still said it,” Pinkie murmured, eyes narrowing. “And you were the first pony to hear it. You knew all along she wanted me and Mr. and Mrs. Cake out of a job, and what did you do? You sided with her!” She coughed and blinked a few times as raw emotion overcame her. “I remember banding together to save Sweet Apple Acres from the Flim Flam Brothers, and I remember thinking that no matter what, we all had each other’s backs if something like that happened again.” A pink hoof reached out and grabbed the lapel of Applejack’s jacket. “And here we are. Some friend you turned out to be.”

Applejack returned to pushing back against her, the two mares locked together in the middle of the stairs. “Pinkie, you dug your own grave with those antics! Ah know Veggie only went lookin’ for the law to make the Sugar Watch the first time you showed up in that costume, and the second time sent her into overdrive!” She gritted her teeth. “So don’t go makin’ it sound like it’s all mah fault we’re in this mess.”

There was the sound of hooves on wood as Mr. Cake squeezed past them. He chuckled a little and said, “I know it’s bad luck to cross on the stairs, but—” His speech died away as he was hit by twin glares from the arguing ponies. “Um, I mean, don’t mind me!” He scampered away.

Pinkie let out a deep breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding. In some odd way, that little break in arguing had let her unwind some of her frustration, leaving her just that bit more amiable to her friend. “I… I guess you’re right. Maybe I wasn’t helping anypony by dressing up as Sweet Tooth.” She dropped the hat on the floor, not wanting to imagine how Veggie would have reacted had she been seen another time. “L-look, if it’ll make you feel any better, you can take me to Veggie Vee. That can be me saying ‘sorry’. Maybe that’ll sort things out a little bit; it’s not like I’ve got anything better to do now that Bon Bon’s taken over.”

“Wait, what?” Applejack shook her head, eyes widening. “Ah didn’t hear anythin’ about Bon Bon takin’ over anythin’! You’d think Veggie would’ve been crowin’ about it.”

“Yeah, she was the reason all the posters made me look like the silly one,” Pinkie said, ears drooping. “She gave Veggie all she needed to do that, and then she took over the Sweetmakers’ Committee because it looked like I was trying to get Sugarcube Corner special treatment over everypony else.” She flinched as she realised what she’d said. “Oh, yeah. There is a hush-hush group for bakers. Sorry for lying about that as well.”

Applejack stood silent for a moment, looking more pensive than angry. “Ah see. Guess you’ve really had a rough coupla days, huh?” She pursed her lips as Pinkie nodded. “Um… Look. What’s done is done, Ah suppose. Now don’t get me wrong; you ain’t off the hook. You’ll be helpin’ raise that new barn to replace the one you blew up, y’hear?”

“Sure!”

“But Ah understand why you did the whole Sweet Tooth thing, at least.” Applejack tilted her hat down slightly, shifting her weight from hoof to hoof. “And maybe Ah’ve let mah self-interest get a lil’ bit ahead of our friendship. Ah shoulda told Veggie Vee where she could shove her subsidies an’ tax cuts the moment Ah heard her say she wanted an end to Sugarcube Corner. Not waited for her to start foalnappin’ an’ calling it justified.”

Pinkie nodded happily, content to have found some common ground with Applejack again. “I think we both thought of ourselves too much!” She looked down at her costume and grimaced. “Y’know, only you and the Committee know I’m Sweet Tooth… maybe I could pass this suit onto somepony who’s better at doing this than I am. Either way, I’d better come with you, huh?”

“Eh… you don’t need to worry about that,” Applejack said hesitantly. “Technically, Ah ain’t part of the Sugar Watch any more. In fact, Ah’m probably in more trouble than Ah can imagine just by comin’ here.”

Pinkie’s head recoiled. “What?!” she cried. “You mean you’re a traitor?”

AJ rolled her eyes. “Pinkie, the Sugar Watch has existed for less than forty-eight hours. Ah’m not exactly breaking the oath of the Royal Guards here.” She pulled herself up to her full height and set her chin firmly. “No, Ah gave in mah resignation as soon as Sweetie Belle was taken in. Veggie didn’t take too kindly to that. Ah was detained. Only reason Ah’m free is that she wanted me to make mahself look as evil as her.”

“How would that work?”

“She wanted me to explain to Rarity how… necessary… it was for her to steal away Sweetie Belle.” Applejack crossed her forelegs and snorted. “And she sent three ponies along with me to make sure Ah said exactly what she wanted me to, just to make sure mah friends and the rebels wanted nothin’ to do with me ever again.” She smiled and raised a reassuring hoof as Pinkie jerked in shock. “It’s fine. Ah was able to call in a couple of favours at the market. They lost me while tryin’ to sort out some commotion with Golden Shred.”

“The marmalade pony? Eeesh… they’ll never shake him off.” Pinkie’s ears perked up as she looked over Applejack’s shoulder. The rest of her friends had poked their heads around the corner to observe their row, apparently having been joined by Rainbow Dash sometime after Pinkie went upstairs. Rarity had since quieted down, although the puffiness around her eyes betrayed her recent grieving. “Oh, hey, guys! How long have you been listening?”

“We heard most of it,” Rainbow said. “Kinda helpful; I’ve been napping a lot the past couple of days, so I missed a bunch of things that went on.” She threw up her forelegs in exasperation as the others looked at her. “What?! I’ve been training hard recently! I knew there was something wrong with Veggie, I just couldn’t remember what.”

Rarity rubbed her eyes with a tissue, trying to remove the worst of her smudged mascara. “‘Something wrong’ doesn’t even begin to cut it!” she growled. “She tried to… to justify taking my sister away? And worse, used you as a scapegoat, Applejack? I never!” She began to pace back and forth. “Taking control of the town and abusing that power for foalnapping is bad enough, but now she’s trying to undermine our friendships as well!”

“Exactly why Ah left her,” Applejack said darkly. “Ah don’t know about you, but this lil’ rebellion Pinkie’s set up is lookin’ more and more like our only option. This has gone far enough.”

Pinkie gulped and felt her heart sink as her friends began talking vehemently about their disgust at Veggie’s actions. Sure, it was incredibly mean and evil to take a filly away, but who exactly got her to go and find the law that let her do that in the first place? And who had driven Bon Bon to desperate measures like taking over the Committee? Maybe Vee would have blown herself out if nopony had really opposed her. It was too late for that, but Pinkie could still make amends. She slowly climbed out of her suit, before bundling it up with the hat and mask. “There is no rebellion,” she said morosely.

“Huh?”

“When Bon Bon took over, she made sure she got her way with everything,” Pinkie said. “Seeing as everypony was listening to me until last night, it wasn’t hard for her take control when she made me look like I turned my back on them.” She shrugged in resignation. “Now she’s making everyone leave Veggie alone. If anypony says otherwise, she tells them rebelling just makes it worse.”

“Then we’ll make our own rebellion!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Can’t be that hard, right?”

Pinkie nodded slowly and pushed the bundled costume to Applejack. “If we do, then I want you to take this.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow, pawing at the ground as she looked at the roll of fabric. “Why?”

“I… haven’t been a good Sweet Tooth. I think it’ll be best if this is taken away from me.” Pinkie picked up the mask and waggled it. “And besides, it’s just like Mare-Do-Well: it’s a symbol, not a pony! Anypony could wear it. Even if Bon Bon tells Veggie I was Sweet Tooth all along, somepony else can carry it on.” She looked up at Applejack and smiled sincerely. “You stood up to Veggie before it was too late for you; maybe this can be your payback?”

Applejack rubbed her chin in thought for a moment, then nodded, whipping her signature Stetson from her head and replacing it with the Sweet Tooth hat. “Y’all really think so?” she asked to the room at large, receiving a round of nods and affirmations. “Ah… Ah don’t know. Feels like we’re movin’ awful fast, Pinkie.”

“Um.” Fluttershy squeaked in fear as all eyes in the room suddenly fell on her. “N-not that I’ve really been involved so far,” she began, fluffing her wings out and staring at the ground. “But isn’t this going to all look the same to Veggie Vee?”

“How d’ya mean?”

“Well, I don’t think Veggie knows who Sweet Tooth is yet. What will changing the pony wearing her costume do?” Fluttershy murmured, a deep flush growing on her cheeks. “Unless Bon Bon already told her that, but I don’t think Pinkie would still be here if that were the case.”

“Ah… Ah honestly don’t know,” Applejack admitted. Her shoulders slumped and the corners of her mouth dragged down slightly. “Probably shouldn’t have let mah temper get the better of me, ‘cause Veggie’s never gonna trust me now, and Ah won’t get anythin’ useful outta her. We need to know her Sugar Watch inside out, both for the rebellion, and to free Sweetie Belle.”

“Still, it’s an excellent idea,” Rarity mused. “Is there anypony within the organisation we could lean upon? I’m sure you’re not the only pony with misgivings, Applejack.”

AJ stood silent for a moment, thinking on Rarity’s question as she rubbed her chin. Suddenly, her face lit up, and she trotted down the stairs quickly. “Absolutely. Ah think we have just the pony. And if Pinkie and Rainbow’s prankin’ skills are still up to scratch, we can get ‘em in here without anypony else noticin’.” She pulled back the curtain covering the window, and pointed outside.

The others crowded around and followed the line of Applejack’s hoof, all the way outside to the market, where Quango was marshalling his agents.

Vile Vying Vendor

View Online

Vee for Vendetta

By Melon Hunter

Chapter 9: Vile Vying Vendor

“Now if that ain’t the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!”

Quango winced and tried to shield his ears from the verbal onslaught with his wings as best he could. The elderly golden stallion in front of him bristled with indignation, green eyes blazing and short cut orange mane bouncing in time to every syllable. “Sir, if I could just—”

“Now don’t you go trying to win me over with that sort of false subservience!”

“Golden Shred, then?”

“Who are you calling a ‘shred’?” Golden Shred bellowed. “You young whippersnapper! Trying to corral me like I’m a cow, then calling me names to boot?”

Quango nearly collapsed to the floor in despair. “Then what do you want me to call you?!” he wailed.

“Like I said before, use my trade name: Mister Marmalade!” Golden Shred said smugly, waving to the ornate, jar-filled cart hitched to him.

“Right…” Quango’s wings drooped to the ground and he rubbed his eyes. He couldn’t quite remember how long he’d been trapped in this personal hell, but it had to be upwards of half an hour. Worse still, this was the third time he’d had to ask this question, Golden Shred obviously revelling in his continuous abuse of his forced politeness.

Golden Shred rubbed his chin and pointed over Quango’s shoulder. “Now then, when are you going to let me into this special little area?”

A sigh escaped Quango’s mouth as he turned to see what Shred was referring to. Some of the market stalls now had a rope fence around them, with Sugar Watch agents standing at entrances. The Sugar-Absent Low-Tax Enrichment District: Veggie’s latest scheme, and possibly her most level-headed so far, seeing as it actually was in the remit of their original brief. She had dispatched some of the Sugar Watch earlier to divide the market up and create a zone where stall owners with healthy products could set up, allowing them to enjoy the tax cuts courtesy of the Royal Treasury, and allowing the customers to easily distinguish good food from bad. All well and good. In theory.

Of course, as with everything that sounded good on paper, it had gone spectacularly wrong almost as soon as it was created. Quango had to admire how even in a land ruled by the magic of friendship, creating haves and have-nots was a fast-track to naked hostility. Those inside the District went about their business with smug looks and snide remarks, making a show of adjusting their price signs to reflect their tax-free status. Those outside made do with toxic glares and vague resentful mutterings. His mouth twitched slightly as a grumbling pony with a triple-choc cookie cutie mark stomped past. This had all been part of the original plan, back from the halcyon pre-Sweet Tooth, pre-megalomanical-Veggie days, and even this was poisoning the mood of the town. Veggie would probably be satisfied no matter what happened on the way to cleansing Ponyville of its sugary vice, but Quango couldn’t help but feel a hint of despair at the damage that was being done. If this was causing all kinds of misery, what hope did they ever have of satisfying Red Tape?

He was jerked out of his melancholy by Golden Shred stamping a hoof in irritation. Oh yes, he was still there. Quite how Veggie had managed to overlook this, Quango had no idea, but the concept of an area that screamed ‘free money here’ had drawn the stall-owners like moths to a flame, and her haphazard rules on who got in weren’t helping. He’d heard every excuse in the book so far, from a mare who swore blind that her lamps emitted a special light that made you lose weight, to a couple of unicorns who claimed they were there to sell a bunch of invisi-berries and never mind the maple syrup they were also carrying. But then there was this larger-than-life pony, the one who was convinced that he was allowed in the District, and damn the consequences. Golden Shred was the untamed ocean to Quango’s pathetic rock outcrop; no matter how long he tried to hold out, he was eventually going to crumble into dust through sheer attrition.

“Si—” Quango began, before checking himself and beginning again. “Mister Marmalade.” He tried his best to ignore the chortling from the other market sellers. “While your interest in the Enrichment District is noted and appreciated, your products are ineligible for inclusion. As I have said, time and again, it is only for sellers with fruit or vegetable products.” He held a hoof up to stop the initial protest. “And besides, the market records do not seem to list you as a regular seller. Given that these tax cuts are marked out for Ponyville, I don’t see why a visiting seller should be initially included.”

“‘Fruit and vegetable products’?” Golden Shred boomed. “What d’ya think my marmalade is, boy? It’s packed full of oranges! Goodness!” He looked around the market. “And besides, I am a well-known fixture around Ponyville. Am I not, folks?” There were a series of triumphant whoops around him. “Just ‘cause I’m here every other month, doesn’t make me an opportunist. Just means I need to go to more than one town to sell my stock!”

Quango glared at him. “Regardless. This is marmalade. It’s a preserve, same as jam. And that means it’s shot through with sugar!” He made a show of tugging at the lapel of his jacket. “Now, as this District is run by the Sugar Watch, that’s an instant black mark!”

Shred gave another harsh, mocking wave of laughter, echoed by his cronies. He pulled a jar from his cart and unscrewed it, pressing it beneath Quango’s nose. The pegasus recoiled slightly, dazed by the overwhelming scent of citrus. “‘Full of sugar, huh? Maybe a little taste will change your mind!” Quick as a flash, the self-proclaimed ‘Mister Marmalade’ tossed a couple of bits to a stall owner making crêpes, whipping away one of the discs and spreading it with orange preserve. He rolled it up and pressed it into Quango’s mouth.

Quango nearly choked, not on any physical object, but on the sheer, offensive onslaught of concentrated orange. It blasted away at his taste buds and causing the back of his throat to burn, any sensation of sweetness lost in the cacophonies of sour and bitter aromas. He collapsed sideways, spluttering on his involuntary snack as a great cheer went up.

“See what I mean? Only thing my marmalade is shot through with is the shredded peel!” Golden Shred exclaimed. He turned about, revelling in his impromptu advertising. “It’s as bitter as Nightmare Moon’s hatred, sour as a spurned mare! And now only ten bits a jar, thanks to the Royal Treasury!” He chuckled as he walked past Quango into the District, leading a procession of other barred ponies in. “I knew you’d see sense in the end, boy.”

The disgusting crepe was spat out as Quango collapsed to the floor in defeat. He wanted to cry; all his sense of self-esteem and confidence having been worn away by Golden Shred’s cruel behaviour. Snivelling, he covered his face with his hooves, not wanting to be further humiliated by bursting into tears as a grown stallion in the middle of the street. He toyed with the idea of getting Veggie, half to see the devastating verbal broadsides each would inevitably send at the other, and half to get revenge and expose his superior to five minutes of the hellish half-hour he’d had. The rebellious thought soon faded, drowned out by apathy, and faint embarrassment at thinking of Veggie as some sort of big sister figure.

He rolled over on his back and stared at the sky with a groan. And then another, as his vision shifted slightly and he saw Big Macintosh selling apples. Applejack. He’d forgotten all about Applejack. He’d been shoved into keeping the ineligible sellers out of the market as soon as he’d arrived, shell-shocked Sugar Watch agents clinging to his higher rank as though it were a liferaft.

There had been three of them, but the bottom dropped out of his stomach as he realised that Cloudchaser and Flitter were nowhere to be seen. He snorted in disgust. Of course they weren’t. Probably some kind of petulant payback for overruling them in Sugarcube Corner the other day. Why in Equestria had Veggie paired him off with them again? In his mind, he tried to calculate the time it would take to flee to Manehattan and get a new identity. Probably preferable to going back to Vee, in any case. Then, his eyes widened as he saw his subordinates fluttering down from a cloud far above the market, yawning and stretching.

They landed in front of him, acting as though they hadn’t a care in the world. “Ahhh… did I ever need that nap,” Cloudchaser said. She smiled at Quango as he glared at her from the floor. “Wow, what happened to you?”

“Where is she?”

“Wha—” Cloudchaser squeaked in shock as Quango hauled her closer by the lapels of her jacket.

“Applejack! You know, the mare we were all supposed to accompany today?” His legs nearly collapsed underneath him as the two sisters gave him a blank look. “Please don’t tell me you were napping the whole time.”

Both sisters bit their lips and turned away. “Uh… okay. We won’t,” Flitter said uncomfortably.

“Great! Just great,” Quango snapped. That was that, then. Applejack had lost them, almost certainly to go and find Rarity and her other friends without the Sugar Watch breathing down her neck. He would be surprised if Veggie let him see the light of day again after this fiasco.

“Um… is there anything we can do?” Cloudchaser offered. “I mean, now we’re all rested and stuff.”

Quango took a breath to give his curt answer, but his attention was grabbed by a “Yoo hoo!” from behind him. His head whipped around, and he saw Pinkie Pie leaning out of an alleyway, waving and beckoning him over. “Hey, Quango! Can we talk?”

“Uh… just a second!” he called back. He turned his attention back to Cloudchaser and Flitter, noticing that the other Sugar Watch agents were apparently doing nothing to stop Golden Shred from practically claiming the District for himself. An idea suddenly came to him. “You see that pony selling marmalade?” The sisters nodded. “He shouldn’t be there, and neither should any of the other stall owners that followed him. You have my express permission to do anything to make him leave. And I mean anything. Shout, threaten, organise a militia, put a thundercloud over him and kick it repeatedly, I don’t care. Just make sure he’s gone.”

“But… but what if he complains? He looks pretty mean…” Flitter said trepidatiously.

Quango leaned in close, the last shreds of his politeness crumbling away. “Then you tell him ‘bite me’,” he growled.

Cloudchaser and Flitter took a step back, looked at each other and grinned at the carte blanche for mischief they’d been given. “Don’t worry, we’ve got this one sorted!” Cloudchaser exclaimed. “Do you mind if I get Thunderlane? He does a really good tough guy impression and I know he’s not technically part of the Watch but I’d—I mean, we’d—love to have him around and—”

“Fine! Fine!” Quango cut off Cloudchaser before she began to gush too much, Flitter already sniggering and nudging her. “Just get the job done.” The sisters nodded and dashed off.

He allowed himself to let out a deep sigh before mentally gearing up to face his next conversation. Quango trotted over to the alleyway, where Pinkie greeted him with a grin. “Pinkie! This literally couldn’t come at a worse time.”

“Really?” Pinkie rubbed her chin and looked skyward. “I mean, the moon could be falling, at least.”

“Well… uh…” He shook his head, suddenly remembering who Pinkie was friends with. “You haven’t seen Applejack around here, have you? I was supposed to be accompanying her today, but she’s, um, wandered off.”

“Applejack, huh?” Pinkie said slowly, shifting her weight from hoof to hoof. “Ehhh… I mean, I could give you a hint, but it’s kinda really secret.”

Quango raised an eyebrow. “Is it really,” he deadpanned.

“Uh huh!” Pinkie looked around conspiratorially, cupping a hoof over her mouth and leaning in. “We should probably talk in the back alleys so nopony overhears this,” she said in a low voice.

“Hears what?” Pinkie didn’t answer, instead spinning around and taking off into the alleyways. “Wait!” He hurried after her, desperately trying to keep track of her. He had trouble keeping up with Pinkie through the labyrinth of side streets, such was her pace. He skidded to a halt as he turned a corner and saw her stood stationary, smiling at him.

“Okay! This is just the spot!” Pinkie said. “Get ready for a big ol’ hint abou—wait, could you move about six inches forward?” Quango gave her a puzzled look, but obliged nonetheless, standing next to a crate. “Um… and move just a little bit left? While keeping right? Okay, hold it!” She took a deep breath and reared up on her hind legs, punching her forehooves back and forth. “Pew pew pew pew pew!”

“Pinkie, what is this?” Quango asked huffily, stepping back and half-unfurling his wings.

“The sign, silly! Dashie, go now!”

“Wh—” Quango’s question never left his mouth, as something suddenly shoved him sideways. He braced for impact with the crate, only for the spike of pain from his newly-found velocity to never come. Instead, the crate’s side fell inward, and then began to slide down a concealed tunnel as an impromptu sled, carrying one screaming pegasus atop it.

Quango clung to the wooden platform for dear life as he hurtled down the tunnel, descending into the bowels of Ponyville. His glasses spared his eyes the worst of the wind whipping past, but the fact it was going fast enough to cause that planted seeds of panic in his stomach.

Then, as abruptly as his sled ride started, it terminated. The wooden panel hit a lip on the floor of the tunnel, catapulting him forward. Quango tumbled end-over-end, before hitting a chair standing in the middle of the subterranean room. An unseen force pinned him to the furnishing and stopped him from falling over again. To his dismay, it also wrapped pieces of saltwater taffy around his forehooves, securing them to the arms of the chair. “Wh-where am I?” he asked, vision still blurred from his violent journey.

“Your worst nightmare,” a voice growled. Quango squeaked in fear as he saw an eerily-lit face appear in the gloom in front of him. He blinked a few times, realising that the face actually belonged to Spike, who was holding a torch beneath his chin. “Ha! Just kidding,” he continued. “This is Sugarcube Corner’s basement!”

“Right…” Quango looked around the room, eyes gradually adjusting to the low light. He blanched as he saw the other three ponies in the room. “Applejack! There you are!” he exclaimed, partially relieved that he’d at least found her, even if he was currently tied to a chair. She simply nodded curtly in reply. He looked over a timid-looking pegasus he couldn’t recall having talked to before, and finally set his sights on a rather familiar and extremely irate-looking unicorn. “Oh, and you must be Rarity…” he said weakly.

“Charmed.” Rarity’s voice held all the warmth of a glacier. Everyone’s eyes were drawn to the tunnel exit as the noise of another sled began emanating from it.

A moment later, Pinkie leapt out into the room, closely followed by a rainbow-maned pegasus. “Alright! Best pranking team ever!” she exclaimed, exchanging a hoof bump with Pinkie.

“You bet, Dashie!”

Quango stared at the pair, trying to figure out exactly what had just happened. “This was all a prank? Just to get me into this basement?”

“Heh, wouldn’t you know it?” the pegasus said. From Pinkie’s pet name of ‘Dashie’, Quango could only assume this was Rainbow Dash. Although from the look she was giving him, she would have more appropriately been Rainbow Death. “Guess that’s what happens when you go around snatching fillies.”

“Wait, you think I’m responsible for Sweetie Belle being taken away?” Quango asked incredulously. He looked up at Applejack. “Please, tell them the truth. Tell me you’re not in on all of this,” he pleaded.

“Pretty elaborate, huh?” Applejack said, grinning. “Took a mighty fine bit of effort to give you the slip earlier! Ah’m just glad Golden Shred was so good at keepin’ you occupied!”

Finally, awfully, the safety valve on Quango’s temper came flying off, possessing him with the sort of rage normally reserved for the monsters who stole lunches from the office fridge. “You what?” he growled. “Let me get this straight: in revenge for Veggie detaining Sweetie Belle, you constructed an elaborate plan to imprison me in Sugarcube Corner with equal illegitimacy, and blamed me for Veggie’s misdemeanors, and set upon me the rudest, most soul-crushingly awful pony I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet?”

“That’s right!” Pinkie chirped.

There was a moment’s silence, a terrible calm before the storm. And then, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PONIES?!” Quango took a deep breath, and let out a scream of frustration that sounded as though it could split the earth by sheer force.

When he came to and his vision was no longer filled with blazing red, Quango was surprised to find he felt supremely mellow about the situation. So he was tied to a chair. So Applejack had gone to the dissidents’ side after all. So Golden Shred was still loose. It didn’t matter. He’d gotten all his frustration out, and said what he’d had to say. And said it at such a volume that the other occupants of the room were now pressed against the walls.

Pinkie had leapt into Rainbow Dash’s hooves, Applejack and Spike were clinging to one another, and Rarity was still wincing, hooves clapped over her ears. The already timid-looking pegasus, meanwhile, had somehow compacted herself into a tiny quivering ball of yellow feathers and pink hair.

“Uh… you, uh, you got it all out, sugarcube?” Applejack asked gently.

Quango sat back and sighed contentedly. “Yeah, I think so. I think so,” he said, dreamily imagining Cloudchaser and Flitter bringing the heavens down on Golden Shred. He tried to put his forelegs behind his head, only to be reminded of his restraints by the resistance he felt. “Do you mind if these come off?” he asked.

Rarity fixed him with a glare, before Applejack interjected, “If he tries to run, Rainbow’ll have him before he gets through the door. Take ‘em off.” The unicorn grumbled, but obliged, ripping the sticky taffy from Quango’s hooves.

He rubbed his forehooves together, trying to get something resembling a healthy blood flow running again. “So,” he began. “Given all the effort you went to, I guess you wanted to talk to me pretty badly, huh?” His captors all nodded. “What about?”

“Given Rarity and Ah are both here, sugarcube, Ah think you can probably put two and two together,” Applejack said, pursing her lips.

“You want Sweetie Belle back?” Quango raised his forelegs in a pacifying gesture. “I can do what I can, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do much more than try and appeal to Veggie’s better nature.” He looked up at Applejack and shrugged. “And when I tried that after she locked you up, and when she got me to tail you and force you to explain the abduction to Rarity, all I got was a pat on the head and a chuckle, every time.”

Rarity cleared her throat and rapped a hoof against the floor, eyes gleaming like shards of ice. “That’s the point. There is no better nature to appeal to. Ever since Veggie Vee has arrived here, all she has done is ruin this town and abuse her power!” She snorted and raised her snout with a harrumph. “There simply is no other option. Vee took my sister and attempted to sabotage the friendship between me and Applejack! She needs to go back to whatever filing cabinet she crawled out of and leave us well enough alone. She has no right to be here. I was hoping you’d be decent enough to aid us.”

Rarity’s rant struck a nerve inside Quango. He sat up, wings unfurling slightly, a scowl emerging on his face. “Now hang on a second! She does have a right to be here! What, did you think this is a holiday for her or something?” He crossed his forelegs, mildly incredulous that he was having to defend Veggie. “Do you have any idea what’s at stake here?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Some kind of bonus, presum—”

“Our jobs! Our livelihoods!” Quango exclaimed, flinging up his forelegs. “We bet the farm on this one, and now everything’s coming apart! Do you honestly think I’m going to commit career suicide by mounting a rebellion against a fellow member of the Civil Service? Let alone against my superior, who I will be the first to admit is not the most mentally stable of ponies.”

“Wait, wait,” Applejack interrupted. “‘Bet the farm’? Ah don’t get it. All Ah ever heard was that Ponyville was eatin’ too much sugar. Where did this big gamble come from?”

Quango sighed and stared at the ground. He’d hoped to keep the true details of the situation a secret, in a vain hope that keeping it simple would let them carry out their subsidy campaign without incident and report a quick turnaround to the Treasury. Then, as he saw his Sugar Watch jacket, and remembered the mechanical wonder calculating away in the Town Hall, he realised that not only had ‘simple’ gone out the window, it had run away and emigrated to the Crystal Empire to start a new life. The truth was the least painful thing he could tell now. “Alright,” he started. “I’ll tell you everything. Just try not to blab about it to anypony else, okay? I’d hate to think what Veggie might do if she realised the truth was out.”

He received nods from the set of oddly sympathetic faces in front of him. Quango took a deep breath and began, explaining the think tank he and Veggie comprised, their usual jobs, and the fateful dossier that had led them there.

“Wait, that amount went up by how much?” Rainbow asked, slack-jawed.

“Five thousand percent, give or take a couple of points,” Quango said. He rubbed the back of his head, a corner of his mouth twitching. “I’ve honestly never seen anything like it, but all the figures checked out. No massive population surges, no sudden import or export increases, no arithmetic errors… somehow, Ponyville was suddenly consuming more sugar than the five largest cities in Equestria combined.”

Pinkie bounced up and down excitedly. “Wowee! Then it must have been a bumper year for Sugarcube Corner! We should totally have a party to celebrate all those profits!” She arrested her motion and shrank back as she received glares from every part of the room. “Or I guess it can wait…”

Quango snorted in amusement and rolled his eyes. “In any case, it came in at the worst possible time. The day we came to Ponyville was the day all Civil Service departments signed off on their budgets, and this information came to me only a couple of hours before the deadline. I checked it as fast as I could, but due to a… communication error”—read, ‘extended lunch break’, his mind added—”Veggie didn’t receive it until after the budget for our think tank was sent off. So we were left looking at this disaster of a statistic, and no money to sort it out for a whole year.”

“But… but then how are you here?” asked Fluttershy. She’d extracted herself from her balled state and introduced herself to Quango earlier, and was now listening with rapt attention.

“Well, that’s where the gamble came from. Veggie and I went to our sponsor in the Treasury and begged a special case. He indulged us by paying us the budget for the year after next, there and then, to pay for the Ponyville operation.” He huffed, blowing his fringe upward slightly. “And therein lies the rub. Because the implication very much was that there was no option for failure.”

“Ah.” Rarity rested the tip of her forehoof on her lips, swaying slightly. “Oh dear.”

“Yeah. You know that manuscript written by an ancient Royal Guard commander on the art of war? ‘Do not press a desperate foe too hard’? Veggie came already fully desperate. Every action of dissent against her convinces her more strongly that you’re just ‘an uninformed rabble that needs to be shown the correct way to live.’” Quango shrugged and looked away, ears drooping. “Just the way she thinks, really.” He looked up at Pinkie and raised his eyebrows. “And the antics of your masked vigilante friend haven’t been helping, I might add.”

Pinkie’s head recoiled, and she scrunched her eyes shut and turned away. “Yeah, I think I worked that one out already,” she said quietly.

Before Quango could react to the uncharacteristically melancholic display, Rarity harrumphed again. “Well, that still doesn’t excuse her rampant abuses of power!” she exclaimed. “What in Equestria possessed a civil servant to try to emulate King Sombra?”

“I don’t know. There’s some feedback loop in Veggie’s mind that causes her to crave more power as soon as she’s granted it. First it was Mayor Mare’s approval, then Sugar Watch commander, and now she’s splashing her ‘emergency powers’ left, right and centre,” Quango said slowly. “I honestly have no idea how to break her out of it. Any criticism or dissent is answered by her ramping up further, an—” He suddenly stopped as a memory surfaced and hit him squarely with its revelation. His eyes flicked to Spike, who’d apparently had the same realisation. “Wait a second. You remember Veggie completely freaking out when Princess Twilight greeted us, right?”

“Do I ever!” Spike laughed. “That salute would have put Shining Armor to shame!”

“Exactly! Veggie will bend over backward for anypony in authority above her, just like she expects anypony beneath her to obey her,” Quango said excitedly. “There you go. I’m sure we can sort all of this out if we just go and explain the situation to the Princes—” He groaned as he saw the sea of doubtful faces in front of him. “Wait, what’s wrong?”

Rainbow was first to pipe up. “Eh… she did say she wouldn’t be around this week ‘cause of her experiment.” She looked at Spike in askance. “I guess you could go get her just for five minutes?”

Spike shook his head. “No, Twi won’t be back for a couple of days.” When everypony did a double-take, he sighed and threw his arms up. “Okay, she didn’t really want word getting out, but I guess it can’t do much harm now. She’s been studying the mirror she and I went through in the Crystal Empire. She managed to make some kind of replica with a bunch of magical machines and stuff in the library’s basement. It doesn’t go to the same place, but it’s got the same rules: no coming back for three days.”

Applejack gave a low whistle. “Wow. That girl’s sure somethin’ special, ain’t she?” she said, puffing out her chest and grinning. “Still, that does throw a spanner in the works.”

Quango simply stared. Princess Twilight had gone to… someplace else? Another world? Well, that was a turn-up for the books, never mind her having apparently created a replica portal. But, then again, she had created a spell powerful enough to turn her into an alicorn in the first place… He’d have to apologise for the mess that Veggie had made out of the town when she returned, he was sure. “Well, that rules that out. I guess we can’t do anything but wait for the Princess to return. Unless, of course, we go right to the top.” He laughed at his own nonsensical suggestion. “But seriously, who would have a mechanism by which they could send a letter direct to Princess Celestia for her immediate attention?” His smile faltered slightly as he saw everypony else look oddly uncomfortable. “Right?”

“Uh…”

“Well…”

“Spike can do that!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Can’t you Spike? Just set fire to a scroll and poof, off it goes!”

“Really?” Quango’s eyebrows went up as high as they could go. “Wow. Okay. Well, if you wanted Veggie to stop what she’s doing, there’s your answer.”

Spike folded his arms and glowered at the group of ponies. “Are you joking?” he asked. “Do you have any idea of how embarrassing that would be for Twi? Having to go running to Celestia to fix a problem in her hometown? Or worse, not even being there to sort the problem out and needing her to help out instead?”

“Oh, come on, Spikey-Wikey,” Rarity crooned. “I’m sure she’d understand this one tim—”

“No! Don’t ‘Spikey-Wikey’ me!” Spike jumped back. “It was bad enough when Celestia had to sort out her Want It, Need It spell. But now? When Twilight’s also a princess? No way. We are not going behind Twi’s back and making Celestia sort it out. We got into this mess in the first place, between the sugar and somepony dressing up as Sweet Tooth. And we’re going to get ourselves out of it, too.”

Quango threw his head back and let out a deep, shuddering sigh. Oh, good plan, we hardly knew ye, he thought morosely. “Well, good luck with that,” he said. He pulled himself out of the chair and stood up, stretching. “I’ll see you in three days once Princess Twilight returns, I suppose…” He froze as he felt a hoof on his shoulder, and looked up into the eyes of Rainbow Dash. “Or not?”

“Siddown,” she said. “You’re going nowhere till we know you’re helping. Time for Plan B: we make as much noise as possible.”

“What?! No, no no no no no,” Quango insisted. “Don’t you get it? The harder you push Veggie, the more extreme she gets. She’s already locked Sweetie Belle away!” He jumped up in the air flapping his wings agitatedly to hover next to Rainbow Dash. “What, do you want to see how far she can go? Whether she can give Discord a run for his money?”

“I think it’s rather more the case that Veggie is already doomed, regardless of how she’s dealt with,” Rarity said, examining a hoof. “Even though bowing down to a princess would be a humiliation, it would be scant retribution for her actions so far. No, we want her to see how much she’s hurt the ponies of this town. And we want that to be her downfall. How can she have any power if everypony rises up against her?” Her eyes flicked up to him. “I’m sure you can include yourself in that number, can’t you?”

Quango looked away, thoughts churning in his head. This was… traitorous. There was no other word for it. As well-meaning as these ponies were, he would be engaging in an act of mutiny against another civil servant, an assault on the very foundations of bureaucracy. And yet… and yet, he remembered all the humiliations Veggie had meted out to both him and others, how much her madness had taken hold of the town. He shuddered to recall the Thinking Engine, now even now being programmed by Veggie’s own quirks and turning into an echo chamber for her megalomania. Maybe they didn’t have three days to wait for Twilight… “I suppose so,” he admitted.

“Goody!” Pinkie exclaimed, bouncing over. “I always knew you were a swell pony, Quango!” She threw her forelegs around him, which had the unfortunate effect of pinning his wings to his side and sending them both plummeting to the ground.

“Of course, you’ll keep this a secret from Veggie,” Rarity said, standing over him as he tried to extract himself from the tangle of limbs he and Pinkie had formed upon landing. “You need to be the poisonous voice that whispers in Veggie’s ear. You can make anypony doubt themselves, given enough encouragement. And once the ponies of this town rally against her, I’m sure you’ll be able to prove that you’re a far more reasonable civil servant and keep your job.”

“Rarity! Quit the ‘criminal mastermind’ speech,” Applejack chided. She walked over and helped Quango to his hooves. “So, if that’s settled, we need to work out what exactly we’re gonna do.” She rubbed her chin in thought. “First things first, we need to get Sweetie Belle outta there. And Ah reckon we need to take a closer look at this dossier of yours, too. Where could we find it?”

Quango stretched his wings out and rolled his eyes upward. “I’m pretty sure Veggie relocated most of the paperwork to her office in the Town Hall. And it’s strictly off-limits, even to me.”

“Hmm.” Applejack tapped a hoof against the floor, and her eyes lit up. “Well, we’re not expected back ‘til late this evening. Way Ah see it, we should drag it out as long as possible. Then we have cover of darkness to get inside.” She looked back at Pinkie. “Seein’ as we have the Sweet Tooth costume—”

“Huh?!” Quango gripped the arms of the chair. “How?”

“Uh… that would be me. Hi,” Pinkie said sheepishly, waving at him. “Sorry for slightly blowing you up.”

“Anyway,” Applejack continued, taking advantage of Quango’s stunned state. “What Ah’ll do instead is bring the costume to Veggie, but you won’t be with me. Ah’ll come up with some fantasy that you were captured while we ratted out Sweet Tooth, and I’ll take a fake prisoner”— she nodded to Rainbow Dash, who grinned back—“with me. While she’s distracted tryin’ to come up with a rescue mission for you, you and Spike can go on in and rescue Sweetie Belle—and the dossier.”

Quango rubbed his eyes with his hooves, then frowned. “Wouldn’t it be easier if I went with you? I mean, I am still trusted by her.”

“Won’t help. If Ah know Veggie, she’ll have guards on the doors to her office and wherever she’s keepin’ Sweetie,” Applejack explained. “But if she thinks you’ve gone, then she’ll pull ‘em all downstairs while she’s panicking.” A grin chased across her face. “She loves her little role calls, doesn’t she? Then, once we have what we came for, you can just waltz on in and pretend you escaped, and we can make out that Sweetie slipped away while she had the chance. Vee thinks she’s done with Sweet Tooth, we get Sweetie back, and you and Ah get put in her good books permanently. Sound good?”

“I suppose so. I still think you’re playing with fire here, especially when Veggie finds out Sweetie Belle is gone”—he gulped as Rarity shot him a furious look—”but I suppose leaving her imprisoned is no option.” He nodded to himself, staring into the middle distance for a moment. “And with any luck, the dossier might help cool things off if I can re-analyse it… or doctor it. Perhaps we won’t need a Princess to shout Veggie down after all.”

“Awesome!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Well, we’re gonna head on upstairs. You probably want to plan your rescue mission with Spike!” She giggled to herself. “Don’t go outside, though! We’ll find you, no matter how far you run.”

Quango let out a squeak of terror as Pinkie’s voice sunk to a threatening growl, eliciting a wave of laughter. “O...kay?” The others nodded, and began to leave the basement. His heart sank as he looked at the retreating backs of the mares, suddenly realising he'd consented to being a prisoner in Sugarcube Corner for the rest of the day. He’d have to pray that nopony else came in and recognised him, lest they rat him out to Veggie. He jerked in surprise as he felt a claw poke his shoulder.

Spike nodded at him. “You up for this, then?”

“Not in the slightest.”

“Heh, it’s alright. You’ll be trained by the best!” Spike struck a pose at a nonplussed Quango. “Don’t worry; I’ve done this before. I even managed to rescue those guys from the Mane-iac, and that was just as Humdrum!”

“Excuse me?” Quango bit his lip, trying to understand Spike’s boast. He thought that some comic book fantasy was proper training for this?

Spike grinned widely. “Oh yeah; it was incredible. You had to see it to believe it.”

“You’ll forgive me if I have some doubts about this mission.” Quango’s stomach suddenly twisted sharply. What would happen if Veggie caught him?

“C’mon!” Spike suddenly grabbed the lapels of Quango’s jacket, making him gasp in shock. “Sweetie Belle has been foalnapped by evil civil servants! Are you a bad enough dude to save her?!”

“Yes! No! I don’t know!” Quango cried, backpedalling and falling on his rump. “Maybe?”

“It’ll be fine. Honest.” Spike let go of the jacket and put a claw on Quango’s shoulder, gripping it tightly. “You’re doing the right thing.” Before Quango had a chance to respond, he clasped his hands together and dreamily said, “Oh, and it had to be Sweetie we’re saving! I can’t believe of all the ponies’ younger sisters I could be rescuing, it’s dear, sweet Rarity!”

Great. So I’m going on a rescue mission with a baby dragon who got all his pointers from comic books and is only doing this to score brownie points with his crush, Quango thought. Out of the fire, into the blast furnace. “Right…”

“What, you never take risks?” Spike asked.

“I do!” Quango replied. “Like, uh… like…” He shrugged.

Spike rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Well, in any case, planning’s gonna be thirsty work. You want a cup of tea?”

“Yes, please.” Wait, a risk! “With two—no, three sugars, Spike!” As Spike raised his eyebrows in surprise, Quango clasped his hooves together and grinned. What a rush.