• Member Since 4th Oct, 2011
  • offline last seen Jun 6th, 2020

Melon Hunter


February Write-Off First Place Winner! Commissioned to produce a dress for Princess Celestia herself, Rarity orders in the finest fabric she can get her hooves on. However, her work is disturbed by a mysterious plague that spreads through the town, causing ponies to lose their beloved manes! Is it the work of a phantom prankster? Perhaps a deadly disease? Or maybe something a little more... colourful?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 66 )

I'm some guy who reads stories and have decided to give feedback on the entires for the write off I'm taking a look at, done in stream of consciousness style. Please take all feedback with a grain of salt, as it's meant to be freeform thoughts rather than a delicately put together review.

Thoughts; Just from the intro I'm unsure of where this story is going, or how it relates to the prompt, but the dialogue writing is snappy and the characterization well presented - though, from what we know about Derpy, I'm not sure how I feel about her presentation. She seems a tad too cohesive.

The interactions between Rarity and the other characters are well done with lots of personality, but we're quite a ways into the story and it's unclear how any of this will relate to the prompt. Big Mac's accent is unnecessarily thick, and I'm still not a fan of Derpy's portrayal.

And, then as the prompt reveals itself, the story suddenly comes together in a magnificent way. The strength of the writing really carries the plot along, though I didn't much care for the ending at all. I liked the clever interpretation of the story prompt, which is testament to the fact that good writer's posess the ability to circumvent expectation. I feel like the referential conclusion was the story's weakest point, but it was still a fabulous work over all.


A STORY THAT DOESN'T SUCK. Oh god there are so many terrible entries. If this doesnt make it into the top ten, I dunno, I'll go on some kind of rampage.

God, that was hilarious :rainbowlaugh:

Awwwwwwww, that was good. :rainbowkiss: The flow was excellent and the pay off was brilliant. :moustache:

Add that to the short list of good stories in this competition.

Although I was surprised to see so many misspellings and typos in such a well-crafted story. It just goes to show that a spell check before submitting is a good idea, no matter your confidence in your ability to spell.

This is just fantastic! You had me laughing pretty much the whole way through. I very much like your style, as well, quite fluid.

I'd 'Watch' you, if I knew your handle. Blasted anonymity.

Congragulations Melon Hunter! You just won 100 dollars! What are you gonna do now?:pinkiehappy:

we have almost the exact same pic...WTF?

Hoo, this is a winner all right. Great idea, great writing, and a great twist! Although I was kind of hoping for a more adventurous resolution with the ponies trying to get the dress back, you've written a lot as it is. Congrats.

Later that day, upon finding out who was responsible (don't ask me how), all across Equestria could hear the scream of Celestia "REVENGE".
And so the war continues........:trollestia:

Anyway, very nice story, and the way you wrapped it up at the end was hillarious. Did not see it coming.

haha, pretty good!

Let me just say first of all: Wow. That was awesome.:rainbowdetermined2: Second, I counted like 2 spelling errors, but I'm pretty sure one was gryphon, which has a number of acceptable spellings. And third, that ending was just plain WIN:raritystarry: You most definitely deserved your victory, those near on 10'000 words were all absolutely fabulous. I take my hat off to you, good sir or madam:moustache:, and as is my habit, a rating of 9.5/10:eeyup:s. Most excellent work.

Congrats on winning the contest! Loved this story!

Well, well, well.
I did not expect that! All hail Trolluna! :rainbowlaugh:

This was a funny and well-written story, and deserved to win. Congrats!

Omigosh, this WON?! Yeeees, it was such a good story, congrats!!!

241011 No problem! Thanks for the feedback, it's much appreciated. The ending does seem to be the most polarising part of the fic; I had two readers come back to me, one saying he found the ending hilarious, the other found it anti-climatic. So you're definitely not alone! :twilightsmile:

241025>>242619 Glad to hear you liked it! I've never really had a crack at writing comedy before, so I'm happy I was able to make someone laugh!

252320 Eeyep. I was cringing at how many errors a couple of readers found when I decided to polish the fic up after the voting period had finished. Chalk it up to me only coming up with the idea on Wednesday evening, then feverishly hammering away at the story with little regards to proof-reading. I really wish I had noticed the 24-hour extension now... :derpytongue2:

262880 Well, now you know! Thanks for reading and commenting!

293429 I dunno, plushie? :rainbowkiss: I really have been taken aback by this!

293495>>293576 Well, filly Scratch on a turntable is best pony, after all.

293892 Thanks! I did have an another idea for the ending, involving Sweetie Belle smuggling out some of the silk offcuts and making new Crusader capes, so that after Twilight has painstakingly disinfected the town, the CMC accidentally spread the sprites about again. But it only just squeaked in under the word limit anyways, so unfortunately it had to go.

294010>>294062 Thanks for the feedback, guys! Glad to see you enjoyed it.:raritywink:

294136 9 and a half Big Macs out of 10? You're too kind!

294169>>294228>>294361>>294521 You're all very welcome!

295089 Shes the cutest pony next to filly luna

Haha! That ending, priceless! Cal us even, that's good.

was the rumored bunker underground sweet apple acres a reference to fall out equestria?

:yay: i feel so clever

Also loved the story of the blanks reference

295461 Have a cookie. You earned it.


See if you can find any of the other references? :rainbowwild:

Congratulations! It was a tough choice between this and "A Life Worth Living" when I was voting.
It got down to the point where I was looking at just who was had the best flow.

Tough choice, and yours toughed out.

295897 Thanks for the vote! Also, might I add, you possibly have the most awesome username ever :rainbowkiss:

Melon, you swanky so-and-so!

Congratulations, sir!

Mwuahahaha, indeed, I do.
Enjoy your 100 dollars and 5K interwebz (ITBZ)

295089 Even kinder when you know what I gave my own fic: 8.25 Eeyups/10.:rainbowwild: Somehow I was unlucky enough to be offline for the entire public voting period, but if I had taken a look at this and a few others, I have no clue whether it would have recieved my vote. I just checked it out to see how the best write their fics (Dialogue and paragraph format etc.)Not going to steal your ideas or anything:scootangel:. This was the only competition entry I've actually read. Once again, a well deserved victory, sir or madam, and if I knew you IRL, it'd be a gold star to you, which so far no-one has been able to attain. And a certified Jaysteeny approval *Gives thumbs up to screen* Yes, I did really do that. The only other thing to recieve that (the thumbs up)is people in the most epicest outfits on the free dress day at school.(Luigi, two guys in morph-suits and a guy in a gilly suit) I just realised I'm rambling....Sorry:twilightblush:

Hah! I knew it! Only kidding, it wasn't too hard to guess what the culprit was. The Luna twist at the end was hilarious.

I'd try to comment on how well-written this piece is, but I'm not very good with compliments. Excellent story, congrats on winning the Febuary Write Off!

Hmmm.... Ponies losing their hair... Microscopic particles... Hazmat suits.... This story is about Mesothelioma, isn't it.
Asbestos: Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not a problem.

I like the positive message. Way to spread awareness. :rainbowdetermined2:

295089 Indeed. Followed.

And congratulations!

Good work Melon! Congratulations!

296368 Thanks a lot!

296462 It... wasn't intended to be, but if I am inadvertently spreading awareness about asbestos, then all the better! :pinkiehappy:

297260 I have the monies for now, as I'm still debating which charities to make a donation to. I hope you will respect my decision not to disclose any further details on which charities (Sorry, just my personal principles! :fluttershysad:)

297948 Cheers, Menti!

Well played, Luna, well played....
But I still think my favorite scene was Twilight with the shears.

That was glorious.

Whoa, let's hope the Princess doesn't hear of this story, because she'll most likely banish you to the moon for this.:trollestia:

Let's just hope that the Princesses make things up to their stooges. I can think of a grey mare that's probably feeling kinda low right now because of all of this and, well, she sort of has enough on her plate, right?

Luna is the best princess ever

This story made me itchy

And then, Luna reached Troll Godhood.

Good job! Wonderful, i say, wonderful! And Congrats!:pinkiehappy:

this is like my Story Picture me insane except when Rarity can't make Celestias dress she kills her friends great story though :pinkiehappy:

cool story bro just dont get the part about an abacus in bluebloods bed :rainbowhuh:

Funny! Good job. I loved the descriptions. The nano-parasprite idea was really clever.

298339 What? Awww, damn it... :rainbowlaugh:

298353 Well, the infection has to be stopped at the root, y'know. (God, I'm sorry for that pun :twilightblush:)

298639 Thank you! That means a lot, coming from an author like you!

298897 My thoughts on Luna were that, like her Royal Canterlot Voice, she has no idea when she's overdoing the pranking. Either that, or when it comes to getting revenge on Celestia, no collateral damage is too great. As for Derpy, I'm sure Zecora will have that restoration potion whipped up in no time!

299117 You might want to get some ointment for that. Nano-sprite infestations are nasty.


299237 Thanks very much!

299775 That Pinkie Smile just makes that comment. I will be sleeping with a cricket bat under my bed tonight. Just in case... :rainbowderp:

299869 Well, fanon Luna carries her abacus around wherever she goes, so how could it have gotten into Blueblood's bed? A slumber party, of course! :scootangel:


So when the reports come in that she's basically destroyed Ponyville's economy, she'll say the same thing another character voiced by Tabitha St Germain did: "I just don't understand what went wrong."

Lol! Good story! A bit flimsy about Luna's motives, but it is a good story Nonetheless! The only mistake I caught was the fact that a word that I suspect was Climates was missing a t. Good job and Congratulations on your victory!

That...was...WONDERFUL! :pinkiehappy:

Your avatar is proof enough of that. :rainbowlaugh:

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