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(February 2012 Write-Off winner!*) A seemingly benign day in Ponyville turns terrifying as an army of multicolored blobs storm through the streets, swallowing ponies whole and generally making everything sticky and unpleasant. Can Twilight Sparkle overcome this terrifying (yet tantalizingly tasty) threat?
(Cover image by Emmytee)
*in a parallel dimension of my own making
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Wow.
Five fics in and I find one that I not only like, but love. I hope this makes it to the finalists' round.
Not perfect (a little too much bunny barf for my tastes), but my god was this hilarious. Bravo!
why does this have dislikes!? Whoever made this, I know you worked very hard on it and trust me, it's very good. Anypony who disses this doesn't know what they're talking about.
247082
I'm of the opinion that taste is subjective. The story's detractors probably have good reasons for voting down this story, and they're entitled to them. The point of this whole writing contest is democracy, and if the people like this story less than others, then so be it.
Personally, I don't think it's perfect. Reading it gives me the impression that huge bits of it had to be cut out in order to get it under the word limit, because there are many instances where the writing seems choppy or terse, and they stand out. The editing process was far from seamless. Hopefully, when all this is over, we can get a complete version of the story, but as it stands... I don't know that I'd choose it over some of the stories I've read.
It's clever, it's funny, but against the right competition, it falls short.
Friendship is Witchcraft reference: all my yes.
Excellent story: all my yes once it's been through the laundry. You won't even be able to tell it's been used, I promise.
Okay, Friendship is Magic vs a revamped G1 monster? That was so much more awesome then the dumb Flutterponies.
I was totally pulling for this one to win. It should have won. In fact, it did win . . . my heart.
297438 You're sweet. But it didn't deserve to win in the state it was in.
The way it is NOW, on the other hand, I firmly believe it would have a chance.
Praise Smooze!
Very funny!!
Haha that was hilarious.
This fandom does the best drugs.
"Everything's better than alright, Fluttershy! It's the end of the world, and it's bucking delicious!"
I lost it right there, one of the best one-shots I've ever had the satisfaction of reading.
I must admit to finding the bit with the CMC in the Clubhouse genuinely frightening. Everything else was funny as hell.
Love it.
I saw a Winny the Pooh reference!
Awesome story, by the way. I wish I had even a tenth of your skill. I'd be rolling out fanfics left and right.
323842 I originally tagged it as just comedy, but then I re-read the CMC scene and thought "there isn't much to laugh at in this." My favorite detail in that is the blob with Applejack's hat.
Very nice. You took an enemy from the old MLP, turned it into a Jelly God and also slightly dark.
I like it. I like the new smooze. I like your writing.
that awkward moment when somepony uses your art without asking...
I dont know how you misspelled bathroom so baddly. "Loft" dosnt even come close!
324509
Hasbro must get swamped with requests for people to use ponies in their artwork.
324751
Come again?
Well, at least we know what she's been practicing now.
I'm getting a very strong essence of "The Blob." Am i correct?
325161 Funny story. Originally, I used the opening song from The Blob as an epigraph, but ditched it when I had to get the story under the word limit, in order to submit it to the write-off.
When I revised the story, I didn't reinsert it.
325187 I see. But I was right about The Blob. Now i am happy about my knowlage of old horror movies.
Of all the things I've wanted to see in FiM, the Smooze is way up on my list. Love the way it was depicted in this story: a big, booming, vengeful god... of jelly.
My only complaint is that it still felt a bit choppy in the first half of the story, but I enjoyed it overall.
luv it
Aww... someone beat me to the blob vs ponies...
Wut? Did? I? Just? Read? I'm amused and confuzzled.
I for one welcome our new jelly overlord. Praise Smooze!
I really enjoyed this. Too much fun to see you working with the classic horror movie tropes, while still keeping an atmosphere that fits well within what would show up in an episode of the show!
And Derpy's pet thunderstorm is priceless.
Great story!
An issue however: no ladders allowed! Ponies can't use ladders, (there's one in the clubhouse scene). It somewhat broke immersion for me.
329840 Uh. It was... a pony ladder. For ponies.
Don't they have a ladder in the clubhouse anyway?
330126 Actually, I always thought the clubhouse was only one story,
Though I'm totally willing to believe there's a loft I'm just unaware of.
331568 Like Smooze's mass, Ponyville's layout, geography, and construction seem to be whatever it feels like at any given moment.
Twilight talking to smooze reminded me of "who's on first."
um why was spike on rarity's flank?
and really nice story
371123 They were snuggling.
372628
cool with me lol
This story was great. The best part had to be where Twilight was arguing with Smooze. I also liked the scene where Pinkie Pie stayed behind to eat Smooze. The only relatively minor crit I have is the overuse of egghead by Rainbow Dash. Other than that, this is quite an enjoyable read. Good work.
Finally I get around to reading this. Glad I did. This was funny and at times even quite heartwarming. I especially liked the part where Twilight tried to outsmart Smooze with paradoxes but ended up only annoying herself – it's a very Twilight thing to do.
A few concerns:
I'm fairly certain they always say "Cutie Mark Crusader Somethingers!" It's a small thing, but still.
Smooze's defeat seemed a bit sudden, and perhaps not fantastically paced. I feel like this could have been drawn out a bit, or maybe there could have been more of a connection made between these two paragraphs, given the moment's importance.
I know you Americans love placing punctuation inside quote marks, but you should be careful about doing it around question and exclamation marks.
Apart from that, I thought the writing was pretty good. You could stand to use fewer epithets in place of names, but there weren't enough of those to be irritating or even really that noticeable.
Thanks for writing!
610468 Yeah, punctuation in relation to quotes - not a concept I've fully mastered just yet. It's embarrassing, I know.
The deus ex machina nature of Smooze's death was an unfortunate consequence of the ten thousand word limit for entries in the February Write-Off. If I'd had the space to draw it out more, I most definitely would have. I'm tempted to go back and re-write the last third of the story, but that would undercut Mr. Kenyon's dramatic reading substantially. And then I'd feel bad.
Still, you're right. It's an imperfection. And you aren't the first person to comment on my overuse of the word "egghead," so yeah, that's something to watch out for in the future.
I'm just glad Rainbow Dash didn't get eaten/absorbed/dissolved/assimilated/SOMETHINGED, Oh also it was good. Oh also also (2X also combo) DERPY
. I should probably stop talking now
OK shutting up now
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Dang... I was hoping for Smooze to have a comeback on a sequel. Well at least AJ is fine.
Wow. A funny fic where jelly turns into ponyeating monsters? Somehow I imagined Smooze talking with the robotic voice of a Mass Effect Reaper.
2986209 Can you guess what my inspiration was?
3025032 was your inspiration from the song the perfect stallion?
3737365 Yes, though the person I was replying to was remarking on the similarity between Smooze and Sovereign, from Mass Effect, which I did
stealderive Smooze's characterization from.3752712 Sorry, I got frustrated when I couldn't remember where I had seen a stallion in a huge jar of jelly.
Jelly Stallion might be my favorite throw away joke in the entire series. Good Job!
Part of me wishes there was whole series on jelly, his chronicles, his loves, his life, his eventual admittance to a mental hospital.
Good Show old boy!
Huh...well, that was gooey and fun! Maybe if The Smooze comes back like this they could talk it out instead of having to flood the town. Or Zap Apple Jam has its OWN condiment god thanks to all the 'worship' it gets, and their Avatars could have a colossal confection confrontation! A battle for the ages to determine which is the superior spread!