Vee for Vendetta

by Melon Hunter

Valiant Vigilantes Volunteer

“Atten-hut!” Veggie allowed herself a small smile as a dozen ponies stood to attention in front of her, each decked out in their new black uniforms. Well, almost a dozen. She frowned as a loud snore rang out. In the middle of the line, Cloudchaser had fallen asleep on her sister’s shoulder, and Flitter’s own head drooped down onto Cloud’s mane, eyelids barely open. “Ahem?”

“Oh… sorry,” Flitter mumbled. She stretched and yawned, nudging Cloudchaser until she was half-awake.

Applejack chuckled. “Well, y’all can tell who has to get up at the crack of dawn for work each day,” she said smugly. The other farmers in the group nodded appreciatively. “That said, generally Ah’m up with the sun, not before it.”

“Yes, well… if we are all here”—Veggie regarded the sisters’ vacant gazes—“in body, if not in mind, then I’d like to begin. First things first, there is the small detail of rewards.” She smiled at the puzzled gazes in front of her. “Oh, don’t think that I’d set up this group without ample room for commendations! Any civil servant worth her salt knows the power of positive reinforcement; why, one of the rooms in my apartment is wallpapered with all the certificates and plaques I’ve received over the years!” She levitated out a pair of hearts crudely cut from green card, each covered in glitter and with a safety pin pushed through them.

Carrot Top pursed her lips. “They look, uh, great,” she said. “What are they for?”

“Oh, these? They’re just placeholders until I can get the proper medals struck—expenses claim got gummed up due to some rubbish about ‘misappropriating public funds’—but consider them symbols of your prestige! I call these ones ‘Green Hearts’: for those brave Sugar Watch agents who sustain injury in the line of duty.” Veggie beamed at her gathered allies. “And yesterday, there were not one, but two, of these actions! So, it gives me great pleasure to award these medals to...”

At that, Cloudchaser and Flitter broke out of their stupour, standing up to their full heights and smiling expectantly. “Oh, it was really nothing,” Cloud said bashfully.

“...myself!” The pegasi’s wings drooped as Veggie pinned both hearts to the lapel of her own jacket. “I had to endure one of Sugarcube Corner’s most revolting concoctions—both on the way down, and on the way back up again! And I don’t really know which time tasted better, quite frankly!” Groans of disgust came from the other ponies. “Nevertheless, it was necessary to lure in and gain the trust of Pinkie Pie! For now we have our trump card: her endorsement of policies her allies couldn’t possibly endure. Her influence will already be broken.”

“So rather than use that to mend our differences, you’ve gone and dirtied her good name?” Applejack said. She sighed and rubbed the back of her neck. “Ah still haven’t forgiven her for gettin’ mixed in with what happened to mah barn, but this just feels like startin’ a fight for the sake of it.”

Veggie laughed dismissively. “Nonsense! You all saw the rebels’ posters this morning, didn’t you?” The Sugar Watch all nodded. “Exactly! Pinkie Pie was very reasonable and patient with my ignorant persona yesterday evening, and yet this dissident propaganda popped up the very same day, insulting me for using ridiculous ideas she suggested! She was the one with ulterior motives; I’m just fighting fire with fire.”

Flitter ground her hoof against the floor, eyes fixated on the impromptu medals on Veggie’s chest. “So, is that what you brought us here for? To get us to tear all those posters down?”

“Good heavens, no!” Veggie raised a hoof to her chest, eyes widening in shock. “Remove a public relations coup for us? It’s the worst thing we could do!” She sighed and closed her eyes for a second. “Now, I realise that I may have been… agitated into saying some unsavoury things and scaring the populace yesterday. Therefore, acting reasonably while our opponents accuse us of outlandish things we haven’t done yet will no doubt restore faith in us.”

“Then why are we here?” Cloudchaser wailed, eyes brimming with tears. “No medal, no job, no lie-in…”

“Oh, there’s no need to fret!” Veggie exclaimed. “I just wanted you all to know your mission before the rest of town woke up. I would like all of you to reassure the citizens that we are the ones helping them, and not to believe the Pinkie Lie!” She paused for a moment to allow the array of weak, insincere laughter to pass. “Ensure that you refute the ranting of anypony mad enough to still support the sweet makers, and if in any doubt, simply consult me. And please, return here around lunchtime; I have a surprise for you all!” As the gathered ponies began to file out, she quickly added, “Education Division, could you stay behind, please?” Two fillies left the group, walking back toward their leader. “Now, which one of you is Diamond Tiara?”

Diamond puffed out her chest and smirked. “That’s me!”

Quango—who had been sat quietly by Veggie—suddenly blanched and turned to her. “What? You’re employing schoolfillies as part of this?” he hissed.

“Naturally!” Veggie exclaimed. “Colts and fillies are highly susceptible to the clarion call of sweetness; I consider myself very lucky to have found not one, but two of their number willing to help me!”

“Well, it’s not like any of our other classmates could do it,” Diamond crooned. “They’re a little too—how to put this gently?—mentally deficient to really realise the damage they’re causing themselves.” She smiled slyly and examined a hoof. “Of course, as the best and brightest in this town, Silver and I would be all too happy to help. I really hate to have to be given power over the others, but what can you do?”

“We’d be so happy to tell them what to do!” Silver Spoon chimed in. The pair smiled angelically at Quango.

Veggie gave a small squee and gathered the two fillies up in a hug. “Aren’t they just adorable?!”

The expression on Diamond’s face suddenly grew thunderous. “Are you going to let me go, or do I need to get my father’s lawyer involved?” She grunted as Vee abruptly dropped her back to the ground. “Thank you.”

“Um… yes. Sorry about that.” Veggie made a show of looking through her saddlebag, before extracting a wad of paper with her magic. “Here. This is an education pack for your teacher to use. Sadly, I’ve only been able to put together a couple of hours’ worth of lectures and exercises so far, but it should tide your class over while I finalise the new curriculum for the rest of the academic year.”

Quango put a hoof over his mouth. “Veggie, you can’t just overturn an entire education board’s system, let alone in a day…”

“I’m not!” she snapped. “It’ll take a week, at least! I need to revise the last advisory document I sent to the Ministry of Education two months ago—which I never got a reply from, same as the others. I don’t know what it is; all of that department seem too cowardly to own up to their hideous mistakes in omitting healthy eating from Equestria’s schools.” She huffed, before putting a smile on her face and facing Diamond and Silver once again. “In any case, please ensure your class goes through these activities.”

Diamond nodded, before piping up, “Oh! A question. If we should see anything that’s breaking your rule—maybe somepony sneaking cakes into class—what should we do?”

“Like I said, simply come to me if you’re in any doubt,” Veggie stated. “I would hope that something as serious as sweet smuggling wouldn’t be going on this soon after setting up the Sugar Watch, but nevertheless, best to leave it to me in cases like that. Just use your discretion as to whether to consult me!”

“Ah… so, I guess we should bring any evidence along too?” Silver Spoon asked. “Just to make sure we dispel any doubt?”

“Definitely!” Veggie raised an eyebrow as the pair flashed wicked grins at each other, before smiling at her again. “Well, that should be all. Run along, now!”

Quango sighed as he looked at the retreating back of Diamond and Silver. “You’ve really outdone yourself this time, Veggie.”

“Whatever do you mean?”

He gave her a deadpan stare. “You just gave those two practically free rein over what they consider to be wrongdoing, and a copy of the lesson plan they can slap on their teacher. What’s to stop them having a power trip and running back and forth between here and and classroom all day?”

Veggie laughed and ruffled his mane with a hoof. “Oh, Quango! You do come up with the most paranoid claptrap sometimes! I hoofpicked those two as Sugar Watch operatives—I trust them as much as any other pony in our group. And besides, all I did was tell them to give their class a lesson, and use their discretion if they see anything dangerously pro-sugar.” She shrugged and raised her hooves. “What could possibly go wrong with that?”

“Sweetie Belle, you’re going to be late!”

Sweetie tripped over her own hooves as the usual rallying call of her Monday mornings rang out. True, it was her sister’s voice calling her for once, what with their parents away in Baltimare, but other than that, her morning ritual was the same as usual: dishevelled mane, check. Half-comatose state, check. Homework that definitely, absolutely had to be completed by the end of the weekend… oops. She hastily grabbed the blank worksheet from its burial ground in the wastepaper bin and shoved it in her bookbag. It could always be done in the first lesson of the day, she supposed. “Coming, Rarity!” She rushed down the stairs, bouncing off a couple of mannequins before skidding into the kitchen.

Rarity sighed as she saw her younger sister. “Sweetie Belle, how many times did I tell you to set your alarm clock last night?”

“What alarm clock?” Sweetie looked up sleepily at the counter, brain still not in gear. “Why’ve you made me two lunchbags?”

“I haven’t. One of them is for myself: I thought I’d stock up on some candy in case that dreadful civil servant gets even more ideas above her station,” Rarity said primly, turning her attention back to the washing up.

Sweetie nodded and levitated one of them into her school bag, nearly dropping it twice. She really needed to brush up on her magic skills… “Ack!” She cried out as she felt something pulling at her hair. “Rarity, get off!”

“You are not going out in public with a mane like that!” Rarity snapped.

“Yes I am; I don’t need you brushing my hair!” Sweetie replied. She cantered through the kitchen’s outside door, before sticking her head around the frame. “I can take care of myself!”

Rarity narrowed her eyes at Sweetie. “If you were by yourself, you’d still be fast asleep. And I’m sure you intended to skip breakfast by galloping out of that door. Nothing to do with your morning rush.”

Sweetie’s eyes went wide. Darn. She had her there. Monday morning would be agony enough without an empty stomach, but there was no way she was conceding to Rarity and returning. “I’ll… I’ll just get something from Sugarcube Corner!”

Her retort was met with a roll of the eyes. “Of course,” Rarity said. “Well, what you do with your pocket money is your business, Sweetie. Just don’t come crying to me if that ridiculous Veggie Vee decides to make an example of you.”

“I won’t!” Sweetie said brightly. “See you later!” She trotted away from the Boutique toward the market to meet her friends.

Upon reaching the Apple family’s stall, her eyes lit up as she saw Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, and then lit up even further as Bloom pulled a couple of fritters off the stall.

“Mornin’, Sweetie!” Apple Bloom said. “Ah figured you’d be hungry for somethin’ if you were this late, and the queues comin’ outta Sugarcube Corner are so long, you’d probably starve by the time you got to the counter.” She laughed as Sweetie took the fritters with a thankful bob of the head and shoveled them into her mouth.

“Why do you have a comb stuck in your mane?” Scootaloo asked. “Is Rarity trying out new fashions on you or something?”

“Mmf’s fy’n b’sch’ by mmnnn,” Sweetie mumbled. Her friends stepped backward slightly as her attempts at speech showered them with crumbs. She swallowed and tried again. “She tried to brush my mane. Had to escape. Too sleepy to notice it, I guess.”

“And I thought I wasn’t a morning pony,” Scootaloo said with a chuckle. She turned toward the schoolhouse and began to walk. “Well, better get this over with…”

The trio trotted quickly to school, keeping a nervous eye on the clock. Not that Miss Cheerilee was that strict with latecomers, but the traditional Monday doze tended to get upset when all the difficult questions were sent your way. They filed into the classroom just as the bell rung, giving a collective sigh of relief as they took to their usual desks.

Sweetie frowned in confusion and exchanged looks with Scootaloo and Apple Bloom as she noticed the scene at the front of the classroom. The blackboard was utterly blank, and Miss Cheerilee was pawing at the ground with her hooves, frowning at some papers scattered on her desk. Strangest of all, however, was the presence of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. The pair were both smirking, and each was wearing a weird black jacket.

Scootaloo prodded her. “Aren’t they part of the outfits you said Rarity was making over the weekend?” she whispered. “What gives?”

Their exchange was cut short as Cheerilee cleared her throat and walked to her usual position by the blackboard. “Good morning, class,” she said, a faint quaver in her voice. “I’m sorry for the change of plans—I’m sure you worked very hard on that arithmetic worksheet over the weekend.” Twist nodded morosely, the rest of the class instead looking away and rubbing the backs of their necks guiltily. “It appears that Veggie Vee would like us all to do some… special activities this morning to—” She sighed and looked back at Diamond Tiara. “—Do I really need to say it exactly like this?”

Diamond nodded and waved a hoof to motion her to continue.

“Fine.” Cheerilee frowned at the piece of paper she was holding. “‘To increase your awareness of unhealthy eating and confront any anti-vitality thinking’.” She shuddered and muttered, “Who wrote this?”

“Don’t worry, it’ll be fun!” Silver Spoon chirped. “As long as you do exactly what we say, of course.”

Sweetie Belle sighed and settled herself down, resting her weary head in her forehooves. As much as the idea of the class bullies having any say in how lessons were run made her uncomfortable, she had at least been offered a reprieve from her homework. For a lesson that was supposed to be special, it certainly sounded like a normal one: Cheerilee wrote something on the board, somepony droned an answer, everypony dutifully wrote it down. No need to engage brain.

She pursed her lips as Diamond and Silver paraded around at the front of the class in some sort of role play. They were both making no effort to hide the smug grins on their faces, and seemed to be delighting in firing off thinly veiled critiques of their classmates’ eating habits. Sweetie instead decided to see what she had for lunch, carefully pulling up her desktop to look in her bag. She nosed open the paper container…

...only to find herself faced with a mound of yellow lozenges! Sweetie tried not to gag as a sickly sweet citrus scent wafted out of the bag, and quickly closed the desk’s lid. She’d managed to pilfer Rarity’s sweet stash by mistake, and of course her sister had stocked up on the ickiest variant she could: sherbet lemons! Just her luck that her ‘lunch’ now consisted of a candy that never failed to give her a stomach ache. She was going to have to do some serious lunchbag contents trading.

Sweetie was jerked out of her musing as Cheerilee rapped a hoof on the floor. “Alright, enough!” the teacher called. She waved away Diamond Tiara’s complaints. “I think that will do for the first session. Why don’t you all take a little recess while I look over the rest of this ‘activity pack’.” She looked back at the stack of paper on her desk and sighed. “I’ll call you back in once I’ve come up with something more palatable.”

Everypony hopped up and began to walk out of the classroom, with the exception of Diamond and Silver, who remained hovering around Cheerilee. Their shrill suggestions sent a shiver down Sweetie’s spine. As if Diamond being removed as editor of the Foal Free Press would have set her back. She took the candy bag in her mouth and carried it out to the playground.

“You hungry again, Sweetie Belle?” Scootaloo jibed, nudging her in the ribs as she passed with Apple Bloom.

“Nh.” Sweetie spat out the bag and shook her head. “I took the wrong bag to school! I left my lunch at the Carousel Boutique and took Rarity’s lemon candy stash instead,” she muttered.

“Aww, that’s too bad.” Scootaloo pushed open the bag, her eyes widening as she saw the contents. “Oh, wow, sherbet lemons! Awesome!” She flicked one out with a hoof, catching it out of the air with her tongue.

“Hey!” Sweetie’s voice cracked into a squeak. “Don’t eat them; I was gonna trade them away for somepony’s lunch!” Scootaloo gave her an incredulous look and she continued, “Sour candy always gives me a stomach ache. I’d rather have a daisy sandwich or something.”

“Eh, your loss,” Apple Bloom said. She looked around the playground and grinned. “Still, Ah don’t think we’re gonna have a problem gettin’ you somethin’ proper to eat.” She sucked in a huge breath and cried, “Who wants a lunchbag trade?” When her offer was met with mere shrugs, she continued, “We’ve got candy!”

In a flash, everypony else in the playground had dashed inside and back out again, now with lunchbags in tow. A rowdy queue formed in front of the Crusaders, with Featherweight pushed to the front. He nodded approvingly at Sweetie’s accidental candy stash and said, “I’ve got some hay fries today; I’ll give you them for the bag.”

“That seems fair enou—” Sweetie squeaked as Scootaloo stomped the ground.

“The whole bag?!” she cried. “Do you actually wanna trade, or do you want to go to the back of the line?” Scootaloo put her hoof on the bag of sweets. “Five lemons for the fries.”

Featherweight gulped and nodded dumbly. He took the fries out of his lunchbag and set them down in front of Sweetie, before taking the promised lemons from Scootaloo and fluttering away. Before the next pony in line could take his place, there came a sudden commotion from the door of the school.

Diamond Tiara stormed out, Silver Spoon in tow. She marched past the queue toward the Crusaders, no complaint coming from the other cowed ponies. “What the hay is going on here?” she demanded.

“Trading,” Sweetie Belle said. “I kinda took the wrong lunchbag to school.” She turned the bag around to show her the sherbet lemons.

Both Diamond’s and Silver’s eyes grew wide. “Were you not even listening in class?” Spoon hissed, before her friend waved a hoof at her to silence her.

A wicked smile appeared on Diamond Tiara’s face. “Oh, these sweets are my favourite,” she crooned. “And you’re trying to trade them to your classmates for a proper lunch?” As Sweetie nodded, she rubbed her chin. “Well, I’d be happy to trade away my lunch for the bag. It’s just some stupid gourmet meal you couldn’t possibly afford, after all. How about it?”

“Well, why not?”

“Aha!” Diamond cried triumphantly pointing a hoof. “So you’re illicitly trading sweets—in a school playground, no less!” She began to advance toward Sweetie, causing the other filly to back away fearfully.

“What are you talking about?!” Sweetie said. “Since when was this not allowed?”

Diamond rolled her eyes. “Were you not listening this morning?” Sweetie bit her lip and looked away, before shaking her head. “Were none of you listening this morning?” Her question was met with a chorus of ‘no’s. She sighed heavily and turned back to Sweetie Belle. “Well, looks like we’re going to have to make an example of you! Silver Spoon, fetch the bag for this sugarlump rump.”

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo darted between Sweetie and Diamond, squaring up to the antagonistic filly. “Y’all leave Sweetie Belle alone!” Apple Bloom shouted. “What, you’d rather her eat a load of candy for lunch? Some Sugar Watch ponies you are!”

“Uh, no,” Diamond Tiara said, rolling her eyes. “Like I said—if you’d actually listened—bringing candy and confectionery to school is now banned by Veggie Vee, and bringing in extra to trade with others is especially banned.” She grinned evilly at Apple Bloom. “And Veggie Vee said that if we saw anything as serious as this, we’d need to bring the evidence to her. So, you two back off while we take this filthy sweet peddler off to the Town Hall.”

“You stay away from her!” Scootaloo yelled. “Sweetie is going nowhere!”

Diamond Tiara narrowed her eyes at her. “Oh really? You really want to get in the way of the Sugar Watch? Especially you, Apple Bloom.” She examined her hoof with a smug smile. “Let’s see what happens when your sister finds out about this—or better, Veggie Vee herself. How long do you think Sweet Apple Acres is gonna last if she takes your tax cuts away?”

Before either of her friends could respond, Sweetie squeaked, “Enough!” She blushed as every pair of eyes in the playground fell upon her. “L-look, it’s not worth it, girls,” she said. “Not if it’s gonna get the Apples into trouble. This is my fault alone.”

“Sweetie, no!” Apple Bloom said. “Don’t give in to these bullies!”

“W-what’s the w-worst that could h-happen?” Sweetie gulped as she saw Silver Spoon advancing upon her with a black bag in hoof. “J-just tell Rarity I love her, okay?” She let out a whimper as the bag went over her head and everything went dark.

“Oh, no! Not this pair of shysters again!”

“Applejack, please—”

“Ah am not backin’ down!”

Quango watched in bemusement as Applejack prowled back and forth in front of an increasingly exasperated Veggie. The source of the commotion was stood next to him—twin yellow stallions, wearing straw boaters and white-and-blue striped vests. They had wheeled in a wardrobe-sized metal box, and were now leaning on it, apparently waiting out the argument. “So, who are you and what exactly’s got her upset?” he asked.

“Why, good sir, we are no less than the famous, the genius, the insuperable Flim Flam Brothers!” the moustachioed brother exclaimed. He winked at Quango. “Purveyors of the finest archano-mechanical labour-saving devices!”

“More like the devious and unscrupulous Flim Flam Brothers!” Applejack snarled. “And your machines are nothin’ but trouble!”

“Oh, a minor altercation, no more!” Flim said dismissively. “Granted, my brother and I overstepped the boundaries of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy in an attempt to win that little wager—”

“You mean connin’ mah family out of their farm.”

“—but that is not a reflection of our machine’s integrity!” he continued. “It did make excellent cider at a far higher rate than your manual methods, did it not?”

Applejack sighed and rolled her eyes. “That much is true,” she admitted. “But let’s not forget the time you tried to sell the entire town some apple juice and pretend it was some miraculous, heal-all tonic! ‘Cause from where Ah’m standin’, this new machine seems just the same: promisin’ the earth and givin’ nothin’! How are you gonna swindle us this time?”

Veggie chuckled and patted her on the shoulder. “Now, don’t worry yourself, Applejack. These fine gentlecolts and I already worked out an algorithm of payment: they get a cut of the sugar tax revenue, in exchange for their device.” She smiled and waved a hoof. “Besides, it’s public funding; it’s not like they can repossess the Equestrian government structure, is it?”

The brothers looked at one another and laughed insincerely. “As if such a thing were, um, possible,” Flam said.

“Exactly!” Veggie clapped her hooves together. “Now, I think the rest of the Sugar Watch will be arriving fairly soon for their surprise, so why don’t we get it set up?”

“It would be our pleasure!” Flim and Flam chorused. They each stood back from the box, their horns glowing with magic. Each delivered an arcane blast of energy to the container.

For a moment, nothing happened. And then, the box suddenly sprang open. Quango gasped as it exploded in size in a cacophony of clanking and whirring, seemingly unending amounts of material unfolding outward. It swiftly grew to the size of a small room, and cables shot out of the top, falling to hang over the rafters of the Town Hall’s ceiling. Flim and Flam telekinetically brought the lengths of wiring together as a device the size of the original container sprang from the mechanical mass and attached itself to the cables, gradually descending to hang in the very centre of the large chamber.

As Applejack and Quango gawped at the huge machine now occupying the greater part of the hall, Veggie stepped forward, murmuring, “It’s beautiful…”

“What is it?” Quango asked.

“I’m glad you asked, my feathered friend!” Flim said, patting a hoof on the dangling device. “This is the finest device from our range: a marvellous, miraculous, mechanical masterpiece we like to call the Fantastically Arcane Thinking Engine!”

“Never again will vital decisions be left to the the whims of the equine mind!” Flam continued. “The Thinking Engine will swiftly analyse any situation and succinctly suggest a solution in a marriage of magical and mechanical engineering!” He framed the device with his hooves. “It learns and grows with every calculation! A truly decisive leader, completely impartial and incorruptible.”

“And how does it work?” Veggie asked, mesmerised.

Flim gave a quick laugh and said “A trade secret, I’m afraid! All I can say of the Engine’s inner workings is that it incorporates a truly bewildering array of cogs and spurs combined with a magical core and a thinking agitator to produce a system of impeccable rational thought.” He smiled and spread his hooves wide. “All it requires for fuel is a lick of magic with every question… and a daily dosage of water and fruit or seeds.”

Quango frowned and looked up at the vast construct. “How is that possible? A machine that thinks?” He shook his head. “Besides, even if it were suitable for this purpose, why would you bring it here instead of Canterlot?”

“We were directed here by a call to arms,” Flam explained. “We were looking for the perfect time and place to demonstrate our prototype! You see, this little venture of yours is one great experiment, and we’re here to make sure it succeeds using our Thinking Engine. Once everypony understands how well you did, they’ll see the machine that made it possible, and clamour for their own!” He grinned at them. “This is just the beginning.”

“Don’t you see, Quango?” Veggie said. “All this time, I’ve been led astray by the vagaries of my own thought and irrationality. Sweet Tooth has been trying to drive me to distraction, and she’s been succeeding.” She walked to the great machine and placed both hooves on it. “But with this engine, I can make every decision with utmost certainty. There will be no more wrong decisions. I will prevail.”

Applejack frowned and fiddled with her hat. “Ah don’t know. Seems to me you’ve just spent Celestia-only-knows-how-many bits on a glorified magic 8 ball.”

Flim and Flam looked at one another and laughed. “Oh, don’t insult us, Applejack!” they said.

“Just go right ahead,” Flim said, sending a bolt of magic into a receiver on the machine’s body. “Ask it a question.”

“Any moral conundrum!” Flam exclaimed.

“Any dilemma!”

“Any enigma, quandary, or other puzzling proposition!”

Applejack grunted. “Ah’m not exactly in the line of work that throws up that sorta thing,” she huffed. “We’re honest folk! What exactly do you want me to ask? ‘What would Granny Smith say if Ah changed the apple mix in our cider to save bits?’”

For a moment, there was silence, before the great machine began whirring and clanking noisily. Applejack and Quango slowly stepped back, Veggie standing motionless. After its deliberation, the dangling console of the Thinking Engine began to clatter as it printed out a long ribbon of paper.

INSUFFICIENT DATA FOR COMPLETE ANALYSIS, it read.

“Ah guess that’s that, the—”

It began clattering again. REGARDLESS, BASED ON AVERAGE CIDER COMPOSITION AND ANALYSIS OF AROMATICS APPRECIATION BY APPLE EXPERTS, ONLY NEGLIGIBLE CHANGES COULD BE MADE WITHOUT DETECTION.

“Well—”

FROM SOCIOECONOMIC DATA AND USE OF ‘GRANNY’ MONIKER, IT IS BELIEVED THAT NOTHING WOULD BE EXPLICITLY SAID IF CIDER CHANGES WERE EXECUTED. HOWEVER, ‘GRANNY SMITH’ WILL LIKELY EXPRESS AN EMOTION KNOWN AS ‘DISAPPOINTMENT’ IN A RANGE OF NON-VERBAL EXPRESSIONS SUCH AS TUTS, SIGHS, AND DIRTY LOOKS.

Applejack cradled the print-out in shock, staring at the words.

THERE MAY ALSO BE MUTTERING TO OTHERS OF HOW “WE WOULDN’T DARE DO THAT BACK IN MY DAY.”

“Still don’t believe us, Applejack?” Flam said smugly, patting the silent mare on the shoulder. “I must admit, the tonic was a mistake for preserving our integrity, but we’ve knocked it out of the park on this occasion, wouldn’t you say?”

Before she could answer, Veggie bounded over. She bounced up and down on the spot, eyes sparkling like a filly on Hearth’s Warming Morning. “Can I have a go?” she exclaimed.

“But of course! After all, you are our main client!” Flim said, waving a hoof to the machine. “Just zap the receiver and ask away.”

Veggie walked slowly to the console and sat down in front of it, staring upward. Her horn lit up, caressing the arcane receiver with her magic. “Tell me…” She paused. “Hmm. Something I already know the answer to, just to be sure. Tell me, is my work required for the survival of this town?”

There was another churning of gears within the Thinking Engine’s main body, only for the printer to produce a single phrase: PROBABLY NOT.

She stood still for a moment, glaring at the printed message and shaking in rage. Flim and Flam looked nervously at each other as she spun to face them. “What does it mean, ‘probably not’?!” she screeched.

There was another clatter. THIS UNIT MEANS: UNLIKELY.

“I-it could just be a hiccup in the programming!” Flim stammered. “Bug got caught in the gears, maybe.”

“Calculate it again,” Veggie hissed. She slammed another bolt of magic into the machine.

DOUBTFUL.

Zap!

ANALYSIS IS NEGATIVE.

Zap!

IMPROBABLE.

Zap!

THIS UNIT HAS NEARLY DEPLETED ITS STOCK OF SYNONYMS FOR ‘IMPLAUSIBLE’.

Veggie growled and sent a ferocious blast of magic into the machine. Some of the energy bounced back, striking her in the horn and knocking her to the ground. She sat dazed for a moment, before climbing back to her hooves and asking, “Why not?”

‘SURVIVAL’ POORLY DEFINED. PONYVILLE WILL CONTINUE TO FUNCTION IN SOME CAPACITY EVEN IN CASE OF CATASTROPHIC SUGAR EVENT.

“But that’s not what I meant!” Veggie said. “By ‘survival’, I meant it being able to shrug off its unhealthy eating habits! The way I know this town is meant to be!”

DO YOU WISH TO RE-DEFINE ‘SURVIVAL OF PONYVILLE’ IN THIS WAY? Y/N

“Y!” Veggie snapped.

The machine printed no more, instead clicking to itself for a moment. Then, without warning, a small offshoot shot out from the side of the machine, burying itself in the ceiling and penetrating spurs through to the storey above.

“Lan’ sakes!” Applejack yelped. “What the hay was that?!”

“Ah, the best part of our wondrous construct!” Flim said. “The Thinking Engine learns and grows! It will produce sub-systems over time as it is taught new information beyond its original programming, as Veggie Vee just demonstrated!” He crossed his forelegs in smug satisfaction. “You’ll be able to see just how far it’s progressed!”

“And that comes at the small price of this building’s structural integrity, does it?” Quango quipped.

Veggie laughed and shook her head. “Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud, Quango! It’s just a scratch. I’m sure Mayor Mare won’t mind.” She gazed up at the Engine, satisfaction flowing through her. This was perfect! A thinker that was able to adapt to her every command and produce a completely logical answer for her. “Now, if only we had a real scenario to test this on…”

Everypony’s head shot around as the doors slammed open. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon marched in, identical grins on their faces. Between them they dragged a white filly, who for some reason had a black bag over her head, muffling her protests. “We got one!” Diamond cried. She pulled the hood from the other filly’s head.

“Wha-what? Where am I? What’s going on?” She stopped and stared at Veggie. “Oh…”

“Sweetie Belle?!” Applejack cried. “What is going on?” She glared at Diamond and Silver. “You two have got a lot of explaining to do.”

“We found her attempting to peddle sweets to the class!” Diamond snapped. “A whole bag, and everypony was trying to buy! Even after our presentation this morning.” She harrumphed and crossed her forelegs, shooting a filthy glare at Sweetie Belle. “Naturally, I couldn’t begin to deal with something this serious myself, so I brought the rebel here, instead.”

Veggie stared in disbelief at the scene. For one thing, how had the dissidents managed to move this fast? And why a playground? Surely there were far better places to clandestinely trade sweets to others… And then there was the fact that her presentation this morning had been so brazenly ignored by the pupils! She looked at Sweetie Belle a little more closely. Blank flank, big, innocent green eyes, and a messy mane that inexplicably had a comb sticking out of it. Had it not been for the giggling menace that was Pinkie Pie, she would have been tempted to dismiss Sweetie as a pro-sugar agent on looks alone. “Oh, really?” Vee asked.

“No, not really!” Sweetie Belle said, stomping her hoof irritably. “My sister bought a big bag of sherbert lemons the other day, and I took those to school instead of my lunchbag by mistake! I was just trying to get myself a proper meal.” She pursed her lips. “Then somepony came over and dragged me away!”

“And the comb?”

Sweetie looked upward and grunted. She tried to remove the comb with her magic, only to get it further tangled in her mane. “It’s a long story,” she conceded.

Veggie sighed in irritation. She had to admire the diligence of Diamond Tiara, but dragging a whole filly to Town Hall instead of the evidence? Fantastic. So much for trying to act reasonably. Well, the dragon had been let out of the cave now anyway. “Whatever the reason, surely you knew it was no longer permitted to trade or give away sugar-rich items on school property?” she asked. “You could have at least gone to your teacher first.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t listening this morning,” Sweetie said, ears drooping slightly. “Nopony was, really. Who wrote it? It was so boring.” She began pacing back and forth. “I mean, usually when we have a special class, it’s something fun. Where were the group activities? Or the arts and crafts?”

Diamond Tiara opened her mouth to speak, but Veggie silenced her with a wave of the hoof. Her eyes widened slightly. “You think you know how to improve on the work of somepony trained as the best and brightest of the Civil Service?” she asked quietly. “A meticulously algorithmically-derived teaching plan that is known to be perfect, no matter where it is deployed?”

“Well, yeah!” Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. “It can’t be that perfect if everypony’s bored out of their minds, can it?” She stared straight at Veggie. “C’mon, if that’s the best you can do, what’s your Civil Service for?”

A terrible, deathly silent settled upon the room. Everypony looked at Sweetie Belle, who squeaked and shrank back under the pressure of the baleful gazes.

Veggie trembled for a second, before shaking off the existential crisis descending upon her. “That is… beside the point, young mare,” she said woodenly. She regarded Sweetie, rubbing her chin with a hoof. “Hmmm… tenacious and rebellious, yet cracks under pressure… you know, I think we have a lot to talk about during your detention.”

“Detention?!”” Sweetie cried. “But I’d had a perfect behaviour record this term!”

“Oh, don’t worry! It won’t be going on your school record,” Veggie said, waving a hoof dismissively.

Applejack stomped over to Veggie and stuck her face in front of Vee’s. “That’s besides the point!” she snapped. “You’re keepin’ a lil’ filly imprisoned all because she needed to break the rules to get some lunch?”

“But look at her!” Veggie whispered. “She could be a goldmine of zeitgeist! A treasure trove of information we could tap!”

“Uh huh. And you realise this ‘goldmine’ is Rarity’s sister, right?” Veggie gave her a blank look. “One of mah best friends? Oh, and Pinkie’s. And Twilight’s. You really wanna take that gamble?”

Veggie sighed. “I can’t exactly release her straight away, Applejack. Not after that show of force earlier—what message will it give out if the rules aren’t enforced? Or the punishments presented as ineffectual?”

“Then that is your fault for givin’ those lil’ tyrants full power over their classmates!” Applejack hissed. “This is your mess, Veggie, and you’d better clean it up properly.”

“I suppose it is a difficult situation to resolve…” Veggie fell quiet for a moment, before her eyes brightened and she looked back at the Thinking Engine. “Of course! A moral quan—”

“Oh no you don’t.” Applejack placed a firm hoof on her shoulder and dragged her back round. “There’s only one way a decent pony would end this, and you don’t need a fancy thinkin’ machine to know that. If you want me to stick around, then show me you know what the answer is.”

“What do you mean?”

“Ah mean Ah am not associatin’ with a pony who’d think it was right to keep a filly imprisoned,” Applejack said, crossing her forelegs. “It was an honest mistake Sweetie made, and you’ll treat it as such. Otherwise, Ah’m leavin’.” She narrowed her eyes at Veggie. “Now you just consider how much help mah family and Ah have given you already. You really wanna throw that away instead of admittin’ you made a mistake?”

Veggie glared at her. “A decent pony would acknowledge this town has a problem. They certainly wouldn’t sweep ‘honest mistakes’ under the rug if that undermined everything they stood for!” She snorted and drew herself up to her full height. “Regardless of her intentions, Sweetie Belle will remain here until I get to the bottom of this incident. From what it sounds like, she’ll be happy not to have to return to school.” Sweetie shrugged and nodded.

“That is not what Ah meant!” Applejack exclaimed. “Are you genuinely tryin’ to justify this? You that desperate to be the villain in somepony else’s adventure?”

“My adventure! I am the protagonist!” Veggie tapped her hoof against the floor irritably. “Well, so much for ‘showing them who’s stronger’. An event like this happens and you’re willing to just fold straight away? Just think what this will look like if we don’t investigate! You’re willing to throw away a hoof in this noble venture over one disagreement?”

“If that’s the price Ah pay for not gettin’ involved in foalnapping, then so be it.” Applejack pulled off her black jacket and threw it to the floor, before snorting and walking past Diamond Tiara to leave. “Oh, and y’all can forget that barn subsidy. Ah don’t need your dirty money.”

Veggie cursed under her breath. She was the one meant to strips traitors of their rewards! “Oh, come on, Applejack! This is ridiculous! It’s a perfectly legitimate usage of my emergency powers to temporarily detain ponies as I see fit,” she said.

“Ah’d like to see you try that one with the town,” Applejack said, smirking. “Somehow, Ah doubt Ah’m goin’ to be your biggest problem if that’s the case. Now, if y’all will excuse me, Ah’m takin’ my leave.”

Veggie stared at Applejack. Her ears drooped a little. Much as she hated to admit it, she’d rather liked having AJ around. Far more easy-going than Quango, more intelligent than most of the dopes forming her Sugar Watch… and now a filthy backstabber, part of her mind added. Just goes to show you can never trust one of these small-town folk. The sugar poisoning always sets in sooner or later. Well, Vee was just going to have to drag her kicking and screaming back into the light. “No!”

“Excuse me?”

“I will not accept this resignation!” Veggie cried. “And you pose a grave threat if you contact the dissidents!” Her eyelid twitched, and she grinned maniacally at Applejack, pointing a hoof. “You are detained here until you rejoin the Sugar Watch and gain my trust again! That is an order!”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “If Ah ain’t part of the Watch now, how can Ah take a command—”

“I said that’s an order!”

The farmer sighed and rolled her eyes. “Oh, of course. What a terrible pony Ah am. Ah’ll just sit nice and quiet in the back room until Ah’ve worked out all mah rebelliousness, shall Ah?” she deadpanned.

“See to it that you do,” Veggie hissed, glaring at AJ as she walked back into the hall.

Vee shook her head as Sweetie tentatively approached her and said, “Um, I sometimes fall out with my friends too and say dumb things to them. She’ll forgive you. Eventually. Probably.”

“Thanks… I think?” She became acutely aware of the silence in the room and cleared her throat. “Diamond, Silver, go back to the school. Your work’s done for now.” The two fillies departed. “Flim and Flam, thank you for your services. I think the Thinking Engine’s sorted. I’ll call on you if I need any further help.”

The brothers doffed their caps. “At your service, any time!” they chorused, also leaving the building.

“And Quango—” Veggie jumped as he stepped in front of her, a look of concern on his face.

“Veggie…”

“I’m fine,” she said quickly. “I just lashed out a little, that’s all. Nothing untoward about it.” She shook her head. “Just round up some of the Watch and keep an eye on Rarity’s house before we give her an official notice about Sweetie Belle. I don’t want this getting any further out of hoof than it already has done.”

“If you’re sure,” he said. “I’ll be back later if you wanted to talk about anythin—”

“Fine, fine,” Veggie waved him away with a hoof and stared at the ground pensively. She was drawn from her reverie by the sound of a throat being cleared, and looked up to see Sweetie Belle stood in front of her.

“So, am I still in trouble?” Sweetie asked. “Is this still a detention?”

“A detention? No, no…” Veggie rubbed her chin and smiled, looking up at the Thinking Engine. “I think we can call this... a re-education.”