Celestia ponders what she has done, who she is now, and what she will do if she can't stop herself.
Now has a sequel 3,835,125 Moons; My Descent
Author's Note
Mostly canon with a few important changes.
Feedback is appreciated.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 10th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen Aug 3rd, 2018
DismantledAccount
I am running from something I'm becoming, but becoming one means I'm running from all I am.
DismantledAccount
Joined 10th Jun, 2013 ·
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Damn.
You managed to get the beginning of an emotional reaction from me. I guess any other normal person would have shed a tear.
So no Twilight?
3257950
Precisely. She is just one of the many hundreds of talented unicorns lost in the sands of time. Luna never returned so Twilight never got to go on the adventures with her friends. Thus, never beginning the journey to becoming an alicorn.
...... Loved it. I don't know why, but i love to see the "pony" side of Cel when she admits or when we find mistakes on her. Also, thak you very much for inspired me for an ideia for a future fic, i'll give you credit, also, did she still tutored Twi? This part is really intriguing me
3257985 but I thought Celestia was training Twilight in preparation for Luna's return.
did something go wrong with that?
3258000
As I said before (sort of) she was tutored as as a student. She was being prepared by Celestia to deal with the return of Nightmare Moon. But was never anything more. Hence not being mentioned.
3258041
The first paragraph of the story should answer that question.
3258045 Hence one more idea for a fic. Thank you
3258060 Ahhh, I get it, so the rainboom didn't happen, and Twilight never got her cutie mark and become Celestia's student.
now it all makes perfect sense.
3258069
Glad to be of assistance, I will be waiting for the story(s) with much anticipation.
3258072 No, it did happen, but since Cek did'nt sensed Nightmare Moon return, she didn't sent Twi to ponyville, so no elements of harmony usage, no mane 6, and probably a very desolated ponyville with all that shit happening. I mean, it could compete with south park with all that chaos that happens there
3258072
Close, rainboom did happen. Twilight got her cutie mark, became Celestia's student. Where this splits off is when Nightmare Moon doesn't come back after 1,000 years. Meaning that season 1 episode 1 and 2 didn't happen. Therefore all of the 'Alicorn Testing' that Celestia puts Twilight through in the following episodes didn't happen/happened differently. Meaning that Twilight never becomes an alicorn. Twilight became a nameless face, lost in time.
Sorry if that was a bit confusing.
3258112>>3258139 thank you for clearing that up.
Why would you do such horrible things to Tia?
(didn't really cry but you did a good job here, have a thumbs up)
3260935
, I am probably going to be writing Luna and Cadance's stories soon so keep an eye out.
Thanks for the like
Title is a bit long..
3260943
I can't wait to read them!
This was a really good alternate universe story. I like when authors give us a look into the thoughts of the ponies. Especially when things aren't going well.
3268807
Thank you.
I'll make sure to add an "author's note chapter thingy" informing everybody of the sequel when I finish Luna's story so you all know it's out.
3270060
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of story: 7,305,000 Suns: One for Each of My Sins
Spelling and Grammar (out of 10): 7 -- For the most part, a clear and easy to understand story, but a few minor gripes here and there:
You should lose either the comma or the period, both don't work together like that.
The I needs to be capitalised.
Needs a space.
semi-colon in place of a comma would work better.
Random capital letter.
I think you mean "dying".
*won't
Spelling of Cadance has changed.
*coward's
Save *for has a better flow to it.
Pros:
1. You're able to show us the mind of a Celestia that has lost everything, mostly through her own faults. You make me feel particularly sad about how she addresses her sister.
2. Tasteful representation of Molestia in a context I haven't seen before, where she's not simply laughing and screwing everypony in sight for the hell of it. Celestia shows remorse at being that pony in the past -- again something I haven't come across before.
3. This probably falls under grammar more than a story pro but your paragraph formatting was consistent, making this very easy to read.
Cons:
1. The story seemed fairly rushed, even for a one-shot.
2. This is very minor but I don't think Celestia would have allowed herself to suffer for such an immense amount of time. I'd have given her two thousand years max, but that's probably just me.
3. I'm not entirely sure that the princess of Love would ever resort to killing and butchering innocent orphans. Even afflicted by the Nightmare this seems highly out of character for her. Luna as Night Mare Moon simply had her desires to be loved and respected amplified by the Nightmare; whereas Cadance appeared to have a complete reversal of nature.
Notes:
I did legitimately enjoy this take on the Celestia-laments-immortality trope; it put a different spin on things showing her responsible for everypony's suffering, not simply her own and Luna's. And while the coward's way out certainly seems like it, I think she was incredibly brave to tolerate her warped existence for so long before giving in.
One other thing, just a suggestion -- try to use more semi-colons and em dashes in your phrasing. It's very comma-heavy and too many can "slow down" a story unnecessarily, as well as disorient potential readers.
You get an upvote from me for your effort. Pretty much just ease off on the commas and re-read your own stories multiple times so you don't end up with these nitty-gritty grammar errors. If in further doubt, ask for a pre-reader.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: These Flowers Never Bloom
I'm really glad you shamelessly pumped this up. It was a nice little read and filled with lots of heart.
The monologuing, in lots of stories, gets old and repetitive fast but you managed to keep it fresh and exciting to read. I liked the faux-history you made up for Luna and Celestia (I chuckled at the 'Molestia' bit)
Overall this was a really nice read. It's short, but not too short, and it had enough going on to keep it from getting stale and boring.
Have a favorite and a thumbs up on the house.
3297545
Thank you for your kind words
When I first posted it I was sure more people would dislike it but as the 38:2 ratio indicates, I apparently did good.
went from 48 likes to 50 when I clicked WTF?
but anyways really good read. Gonna read the luna version now
[size=3I ENJOY THESE!!2]
Well, here's the review I promised:
The text has a few issues. Comma and semicolon use, in particular, needs some improvement. Don't get me wrong, it is far from terrible, but I would suggest getting an editor. Also, one may hate their pre-readers and the way they process stories (I personally don't), but EQD's guides are pretty useful too in my opinion.
The story itself has a really good concept and a decently dark tone (I have a great fondness for these lately), but the writing does not quite deliver the "blow" that I was hoping for. The main issue is the pacing and the overall presentation. Instead of a continuous internal monologue, I would have suggested a "less direct" presentation of what has happened, combined with some visual and "physical" elements (e.g the corruption of the Nightmare torturing her) that keep her memories and thoughts flowing. If you think about it, people don't tend to just monologue inside their heads like that as if they were telling a story to someone. I understand the circumstances, but it takes away the immersion that one would want from a story like this. Celestia just talking to us about her pain cannot convey a mood to us nearly as well as if you just let the details speak for themselves.
To better explain myself, let me give you an example:
As a twist at the end, or a detail along the way to "darken" the tone even further, this would have been perfect. Giving it away at the very beginning kind of takes away its weight, however, and so does the way that we just skim over this issue. A better way to tell it would have been to illustrate her loneliness through visual means ("walking alone through the castle," "having to set the Moon in motion," etc.), then delivering the "coup de grace" by letting us know (perhaps not explicitly) that we are well past the one thousand year wait, and so she has lost all hope at this point.
The role of the Nightmare and its effects were interesting, but, again, could have been expanded upon a bit better, through more subtle means (see above).
Otherwise, this is a decent "dark" fic. It doesn't lose its nerve and try to comfort me with any sort of "happy ending," and I appreciate that. Room for improvement, but a good job nonetheless.
Preview for a story with the same number but a different title.
Title: 7,305,000 Planets; One For Several Alicorns and A Super-Powered Fox
Billions of stars. 7,305,000 planets and possibly more. All housed within a relatively small spiral galaxy called the Milky Way. And I live on one.
The planet's name - Earth. Oddly enough, 2/3 of it is water. However, it is a vast habitat that is home to tens of billions of different life forms and 7 billion humans... and one humanoid, super-powered vulpine. Said vulpine is me.
Up until a few days ago, life here was normal. Foiled robbery here, extinguished fire there. Just a normal day on the job... until THEY came. And no, there are no Daleks or Cybermen or Weeping Angels. No... there are Alicorns.
So fucking depressing...Also, she's 20 millenia old?! Holy hell!!
Well, that was... depressing, but very well written. I could feel the sadness coursing through Celestia's thoughts; in, short very well done indeed
I think the biggest point of contention for me was the idea that she hadn't fallen to the Nightmare already during her years as a Despot; I mean really, burning out someone's eyes and breaking their legs for stealing food? That's pretty far gone.
Also, the prophecy thing. Did she think that it would come true just because she wanted it to? That seems, well, kinda not smart on her part. After all, prophecies are wish granting machines.
3697155
I imagined the Nightmare a bit differently for this story. Celestia's depression didn't immediately bring about the Nightmare, but it brought it on faster.
And as for the second point, the spell was only designed to last 1k years. So Celestia wanted to keep the memory of her sister alive among her subjects. (Plus a bit of wishful thinking from a grieving sister.)
Kinda forgot I had this story.
You've inspired me. You wouldn't mind if I use this story as the prologue for a story I'm writing called "Alicorn Sanctuary"?
4352444
Go ahead. I don't mind. I'm flattered, really.
I wouldn't mind checking it out when you do write it, either.
Thanks, buddy!
I am a heartless bastard, I don't even feel sad I could probably write something as happy and carefree as derpys diary by obselescence or whatever his name is spelled like however this is a 10/10 if a littlerushed a proper story very stirring (to anyone but a heartless bastard such as myself)
Hey, by the way, I'm submitting the story.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/191073/2/the-alicorn-sanctuary/chapter-1-the-night-of-the-falling-star
Come take a look-see!
...Wow.
9 out of 10.
Amazing story. Now to read the Luna one...