The Only One Left...
Celestia sat on her personal balcony and took off her crown. She stared into the small purple gem, hoping to find answers there. It has been ten thousand years since I banished you to the moon, Luna. The spell was supposed to wear off after one thousand. At this point I can only guess that something went horribly wrong. I know now you aren't coming back, it has been too long. The distance between us too great.
I'm so tired, so very tired... Celestia thought, holding her crown in her hooves, her head downcast. I am the last of my kind. Not through some horrific accident or horrible disease; but because of my actions, mine and mine alone. She looked up into the cloudless night sky, agony written on every feature of her face. My co-ruler, my sister, my friend. It's nights like these that make me long for your company, and hate myself for my actions. Mother and Father told me about the only plague that we should fear, but I didn't believe them. They told me about the Nightmare, the only sickness we cannot defeat, one of the mind. Both of them fell victim to the Nightmare, almost simultaneously. That's when I believed them. If I had only listened to them in the first place then I might have saved them.
Although, even after I tore our parent's souls from their bodies when I attempted to save them with the Elements, I still thought it wouldn't happen to us. You were there for me, to keep me sane. You helped me through the guilt. I thought we would be together forever, that the Nightmare had died with our parents. How wrong I was.
Celestia smiled softly. We were invincible, you and I. Ruling for thousands of years, fighting enemy after enemy. That was the good life. I even managed to forget I had killed our parents, such was my joy in our time together. Rebellions were crushed and harmony was enforced. You know as well as I how our ponies were at that time, most still wanted to be divided among species.You tried to tell me about how harmony could not be forced upon the ponies. But I wouldn't listen. We almost died in the assassination attempts until I finally realized what you had been telling me all along. Ponies must be herded in the right direction, not enslaved and forced into what we desire, even if it is the correct course of action. You said we had to be more subtle; "Even though we are doing the right thing, we are doing it the wrong way," you said.
You were right, of course. I finally started listening to you and before the generation was out, the riots, terrorists, insurgents, and anti-crown campaigns died down from a roaring river to a quiet murmur. Celestia chuckled quietly. It was still many lifetimes before our nicknames were forgotten though: Princess Molestia and her sister, The Angry One.
They were right you know, you were angry constantly, at everything and everypony. It was probably having to deal with 'Molestia' all the time. She was a real bitch. I slept with more stallions than I would care to count while going through that phase. I think that every stallion of those generations 'got his chance' with me, to your disapproval. A few mares as well, to your intense disapproval. But you were there for me even though you hated what I was doing and brought me back to myself. A debt which I will never repay.
In hindsight it is easy to see, but it doesn't matter now. It is much too late for you. Celestia focused on a distant star as tears leaked from her eyes. Something happened to you that I didn't have an explanation for. You grew distant, cold. Your eyes burned with inner hatred. You started contradicting things you said not two hundred years before. You began to glare lustfully at the sun. You started... doing things to ponies in their dreams. It was confusing, I was confused. When you finally confronted me I didn't know what was happening. My little sister, turned against me? It didn't make any sense until I remembered the Nightmare, the one curse of the alicorns.
Almost too late I summoned the Elements of Harmony, the only way to defeat the Nightmare. The Elements are a powerful but unpredictable weapon, I was just trying to banish the Nightmare, not you as well. I rushed the spell in my haste and fear, causing horrible, unalterable side affects.
More tears poured down her face as she continued her silent monologue. When I opened my eyes, you were gone, gone forever. I still had hope, however, I knew it might be possible that you could return. Who do you think spread the rumors and wrote the prophesies? I waited for so long, hoping against the odds. Each second felt like an eternity without you, but I waited and never gave up hope. I was so very lonely, I became a shell of my former self and made another dire mistake. After seven hundred years of pain and loneliness I created Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.
I thought Cadance was my greatest achievement, but I was wrong. So very wrong. I created her using a forbidden spell on Mother's lock of mane that I always kept in a small locket. Cadance was there, helping me get through the pain when your thousand years came and went and you still hadn't returned. I would have killed myself with grief if she hadn't been there. It didn't last long though. She barely made it to five hundred before the Nightmare took her.
Celestia shook her head sadly. It was hardly noticeable at first, just a slip of the tongue or a flash of the eyes. But eventually I began to suspect, I watched her more closely, and guess what? Two years later I discovered her sneaking out of the palace one night and decided to follow her. I followed her to an orphanage and found her murdering foals in their sleep. She was stroking their dead bodies and playing with the gore. With horrified tears in my eyes I stuck her down, her coat more red than pink. Needless to say I remembered why the cloning spell was forbidden. She smiled weakly and sadly for a second before returning her face to its agonized state. I still have no idea how many she killed, but their dying gurgles have been with me to this day.
Celestia's body shook with silent sobs as she continued. I retreated into myself for seven thousand years. The pain of losing two sisters in a few hundred years was almost too much to bear. I didn't speak unless to command, yelled at everypony, and tortured the criminals with cruel and unusual punishment. I will never forget Jade Stone, a green earth pony. I burned out both his eyes then ordered his fiancee to break his leg for stealing a bushel of apples, even after he offered to pay for it. It was either that or I said I would kill them both, and I don't doubt that I would have done it. His fiancee did the deed, sobbing uncontrollably, while Jade offered words of comfort even as she brought down her hoof. That was a dark and difficult time for me and Equestria. I judged the guilty and the innocent alike with an iron hoof, I had no mercy. How could I when fate had been so cruel to me?
Then it happened, the feeling shocked me right out of my self-pity. I felt the ice cold claws of the Nightmare on my soul. Like a spear it wormed its way closer into the inner depths of my mind. I summoned the Elements and tried to destroy the Nightmare before it overtook me. I had mixed results, the Elements slowed the transformation but made it permanent. Unrelenting and unavoidable, everything that I am slowly being changed and replaced by something else. Something that is me but not, evil yet sane, and something that I cannot control. I wonder if you felt it. Did you? I don't think you did, it was too quick for you and Cadance. It came and destroyed you both, while I stood and watched, helpless to do anything but try and save your broken souls. A deed which I failed miserably at. Fate is just cruel like that, isn't it?
My time is now up though, two thousand years I have been fighting it. But it has been slowly working its way into my soul, chilling me from the inside out, changing me. I can hardly recognize myself now, and the only appearance of your sister that is left is the physical, my mind is almost gone at this point. The one thing keeping the Nightmare at bay is the Elements, but they won't last forever. I have been spending the last thousand years getting our country's affairs in order. I have left books upon books of information on how to run Equestria.
I retaught them how to raise and lower the celestial bodies and how to measure the days. I told them that they would only have to do it if I am worn out from a strenuous day, little do they know how tired I really am, the weight of the world on my back. I have been dropping hints that I won't be here forever, and that my assistants should take more interest in the proceedings of the state. However, my warnings fall on deaf ears. I guess after living to the ripe old age of twenty thousand makes ponies not take your death warnings seriously, they just laugh and say how funny I am. How they will miss me, I wonder?
I could go on talking like this for hours, confessing my mistakes. My failures. Trying to rationalize my life, my long life filled with nothing but loss. We had our good times and the bad, but the bad far outweigh the good. Such is my life. But I must hurry now, for I fear I can't hold on much longer. It is getting close, in another couple of years I will be just like you and Cadance. In another couple of days I fear I won't even be able to do what needs to be done, such is the Nightmare's hold on me. So I will do it tonight, before I can no more.
This is for the best, if I am consumed by the Nightmare than all hope is lost for Equestria. I can only imagine the things I would do, and I have no shame in admitting they frighten me. I have decided to take the coward's way out, I can only hope history will be a kind judge upon my actions. A kinder judge than I have been on myself. Celestia summoned six colorful orbs of magic around her, signifying the Elements. They began to circle her, faster and faster until she was surrounded by a sphere of rainbow color. I'm so sorry for what I've done to you, Cadance and everypony else. I'm even more sorry for what I didn't do. I wish I had been just a little stronger, just a little wiser. Then maybe I would have been able to save Mother, Father and you from the Nightmare.
"Luna! I'm coming, sister! Just a little longer!" Celestia yelled into the sky, tears pouring down her cheeks, dripping off her muzzle.
The sphere glowed brightly for a second then it disappeared, leaving the balcony empty. Save for one golden crown and a puddle of tears. Celestia, the last of the alicorns, was no more.
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Damn.
You managed to get the beginning of an emotional reaction from me. I guess any other normal person would have shed a tear.
So no Twilight?
3257950
Precisely. She is just one of the many hundreds of talented unicorns lost in the sands of time. Luna never returned so Twilight never got to go on the adventures with her friends. Thus, never beginning the journey to becoming an alicorn.
...... Loved it. I don't know why, but i love to see the "pony" side of Cel when she admits or when we find mistakes on her. Also, thak you very much for inspired me for an ideia for a future fic, i'll give you credit, also, did she still tutored Twi? This part is really intriguing me
3257985 but I thought Celestia was training Twilight in preparation for Luna's return.
did something go wrong with that?
3258000
As I said before (sort of) she was tutored as as a student. She was being prepared by Celestia to deal with the return of Nightmare Moon. But was never anything more. Hence not being mentioned.
3258041
The first paragraph of the story should answer that question.
3258045 Hence one more idea for a fic. Thank you
3258060 Ahhh, I get it, so the rainboom didn't happen, and Twilight never got her cutie mark and become Celestia's student.
now it all makes perfect sense.
3258069
Glad to be of assistance, I will be waiting for the story(s) with much anticipation.
3258072 No, it did happen, but since Cek did'nt sensed Nightmare Moon return, she didn't sent Twi to ponyville, so no elements of harmony usage, no mane 6, and probably a very desolated ponyville with all that shit happening. I mean, it could compete with south park with all that chaos that happens there
3258072
Close, rainboom did happen. Twilight got her cutie mark, became Celestia's student. Where this splits off is when Nightmare Moon doesn't come back after 1,000 years. Meaning that season 1 episode 1 and 2 didn't happen. Therefore all of the 'Alicorn Testing' that Celestia puts Twilight through in the following episodes didn't happen/happened differently. Meaning that Twilight never becomes an alicorn. Twilight became a nameless face, lost in time.
Sorry if that was a bit confusing.
3258112>>3258139 thank you for clearing that up.
Why would you do such horrible things to Tia?
(didn't really cry but you did a good job here, have a thumbs up)
3260935
, I am probably going to be writing Luna and Cadance's stories soon so keep an eye out.
Thanks for the like
Title is a bit long..
3260943
I can't wait to read them!
This was a really good alternate universe story. I like when authors give us a look into the thoughts of the ponies. Especially when things aren't going well.
3268807
Thank you.
I'll make sure to add an "author's note chapter thingy" informing everybody of the sequel when I finish Luna's story so you all know it's out.
3270060
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of story: 7,305,000 Suns: One for Each of My Sins
Spelling and Grammar (out of 10): 7 -- For the most part, a clear and easy to understand story, but a few minor gripes here and there:
You should lose either the comma or the period, both don't work together like that.
The I needs to be capitalised.
Needs a space.
semi-colon in place of a comma would work better.
Random capital letter.
I think you mean "dying".
*won't
Spelling of Cadance has changed.
*coward's
Save *for has a better flow to it.
Pros:
1. You're able to show us the mind of a Celestia that has lost everything, mostly through her own faults. You make me feel particularly sad about how she addresses her sister.
2. Tasteful representation of Molestia in a context I haven't seen before, where she's not simply laughing and screwing everypony in sight for the hell of it. Celestia shows remorse at being that pony in the past -- again something I haven't come across before.
3. This probably falls under grammar more than a story pro but your paragraph formatting was consistent, making this very easy to read.
Cons:
1. The story seemed fairly rushed, even for a one-shot.
2. This is very minor but I don't think Celestia would have allowed herself to suffer for such an immense amount of time. I'd have given her two thousand years max, but that's probably just me.
3. I'm not entirely sure that the princess of Love would ever resort to killing and butchering innocent orphans. Even afflicted by the Nightmare this seems highly out of character for her. Luna as Night Mare Moon simply had her desires to be loved and respected amplified by the Nightmare; whereas Cadance appeared to have a complete reversal of nature.
Notes:
I did legitimately enjoy this take on the Celestia-laments-immortality trope; it put a different spin on things showing her responsible for everypony's suffering, not simply her own and Luna's. And while the coward's way out certainly seems like it, I think she was incredibly brave to tolerate her warped existence for so long before giving in.
One other thing, just a suggestion -- try to use more semi-colons and em dashes in your phrasing. It's very comma-heavy and too many can "slow down" a story unnecessarily, as well as disorient potential readers.
You get an upvote from me for your effort. Pretty much just ease off on the commas and re-read your own stories multiple times so you don't end up with these nitty-gritty grammar errors. If in further doubt, ask for a pre-reader.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: These Flowers Never Bloom
I'm really glad you shamelessly pumped this up. It was a nice little read and filled with lots of heart.
The monologuing, in lots of stories, gets old and repetitive fast but you managed to keep it fresh and exciting to read. I liked the faux-history you made up for Luna and Celestia (I chuckled at the 'Molestia' bit)
Overall this was a really nice read. It's short, but not too short, and it had enough going on to keep it from getting stale and boring.
Have a favorite and a thumbs up on the house.
3297545
Thank you for your kind words
When I first posted it I was sure more people would dislike it but as the 38:2 ratio indicates, I apparently did good.
went from 48 likes to 50 when I clicked WTF?
but anyways really good read. Gonna read the luna version now
[size=3I ENJOY THESE!!2]
Well, here's the review I promised:
The text has a few issues. Comma and semicolon use, in particular, needs some improvement. Don't get me wrong, it is far from terrible, but I would suggest getting an editor. Also, one may hate their pre-readers and the way they process stories (I personally don't), but EQD's guides are pretty useful too in my opinion.
The story itself has a really good concept and a decently dark tone (I have a great fondness for these lately), but the writing does not quite deliver the "blow" that I was hoping for. The main issue is the pacing and the overall presentation. Instead of a continuous internal monologue, I would have suggested a "less direct" presentation of what has happened, combined with some visual and "physical" elements (e.g the corruption of the Nightmare torturing her) that keep her memories and thoughts flowing. If you think about it, people don't tend to just monologue inside their heads like that as if they were telling a story to someone. I understand the circumstances, but it takes away the immersion that one would want from a story like this. Celestia just talking to us about her pain cannot convey a mood to us nearly as well as if you just let the details speak for themselves.
To better explain myself, let me give you an example:
As a twist at the end, or a detail along the way to "darken" the tone even further, this would have been perfect. Giving it away at the very beginning kind of takes away its weight, however, and so does the way that we just skim over this issue. A better way to tell it would have been to illustrate her loneliness through visual means ("walking alone through the castle," "having to set the Moon in motion," etc.), then delivering the "coup de grace" by letting us know (perhaps not explicitly) that we are well past the one thousand year wait, and so she has lost all hope at this point.
The role of the Nightmare and its effects were interesting, but, again, could have been expanded upon a bit better, through more subtle means (see above).
Otherwise, this is a decent "dark" fic. It doesn't lose its nerve and try to comfort me with any sort of "happy ending," and I appreciate that. Room for improvement, but a good job nonetheless.
Preview for a story with the same number but a different title.
Title: 7,305,000 Planets; One For Several Alicorns and A Super-Powered Fox
Billions of stars. 7,305,000 planets and possibly more. All housed within a relatively small spiral galaxy called the Milky Way. And I live on one.
The planet's name - Earth. Oddly enough, 2/3 of it is water. However, it is a vast habitat that is home to tens of billions of different life forms and 7 billion humans... and one humanoid, super-powered vulpine. Said vulpine is me.
Up until a few days ago, life here was normal. Foiled robbery here, extinguished fire there. Just a normal day on the job... until THEY came. And no, there are no Daleks or Cybermen or Weeping Angels. No... there are Alicorns.
So fucking depressing...Also, she's 20 millenia old?! Holy hell!!
Well, that was... depressing, but very well written. I could feel the sadness coursing through Celestia's thoughts; in, short very well done indeed
I think the biggest point of contention for me was the idea that she hadn't fallen to the Nightmare already during her years as a Despot; I mean really, burning out someone's eyes and breaking their legs for stealing food? That's pretty far gone.
Also, the prophecy thing. Did she think that it would come true just because she wanted it to? That seems, well, kinda not smart on her part. After all, prophecies are wish granting machines.
3697155
I imagined the Nightmare a bit differently for this story. Celestia's depression didn't immediately bring about the Nightmare, but it brought it on faster.
And as for the second point, the spell was only designed to last 1k years. So Celestia wanted to keep the memory of her sister alive among her subjects. (Plus a bit of wishful thinking from a grieving sister.)
Kinda forgot I had this story.
You've inspired me. You wouldn't mind if I use this story as the prologue for a story I'm writing called "Alicorn Sanctuary"?
4352444
Go ahead. I don't mind. I'm flattered, really.
I wouldn't mind checking it out when you do write it, either.
Thanks, buddy!
I am a heartless bastard, I don't even feel sad I could probably write something as happy and carefree as derpys diary by obselescence or whatever his name is spelled like however this is a 10/10 if a littlerushed a proper story very stirring (to anyone but a heartless bastard such as myself)
Hey, by the way, I'm submitting the story.
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/191073/2/the-alicorn-sanctuary/chapter-1-the-night-of-the-falling-star
Come take a look-see!
...Wow.
9 out of 10.
Amazing story. Now to read the Luna one...