• Member Since 22nd Aug, 2013
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twilightsparkle3562


I am a young man from Massachusetts with Autism who enjoys MLP, Disney and writing!


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Following the Changeling Invasion of Canterlot, Twilight's friends, Princess Celestia and Shining Armor lament over how they failed to protect Canterlot from the Changelings as well for their behavior towards Twilight at the Wedding Rehearsal.

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 63 )

Hm. Well...

It's not a half-bad first effort, love, but it needs a bit of work. Your two biggest problems are that you have a lot of run-on sentences, like these:

Now seeing each other again after such a long time apart and making her his Best Mare only to take it back when she accused the pony that he thought was his bride as evil who was considerably rude to her friends, suspected of doing something to her bridesmaids and performing a spell on him that made his eyes go 'derpy hooves'.

This is kind of hard to read, and it makes the character's dialogue sound totally unnatural. Also, some of them are incorrectly punctuated; you've got commas where semicolons should be, and vice-versa.

Your second problem is that you have characters delivering lengthy soliloquies:

"Well," said Twilight nervously. "You eventually saw that 'Cadence' was really the Changeling Queen in disguise and I tried to warn Shining Armor that something was wrong with 'Cadence' and that she was not who she really was. I must have acted really foolish because I barged into the wedding rehearsal and called her 'evil' without any proof or evidence and gave warnings to everyone that was brushed off very easily. I managed to corner the changeling queen in an attempt to make her reveal her identity in front of everyone. But, she ran off crying and Shining Armor horribly reprimanded me for my actions saying that the magic that the changeling queen was using was meant to relieve him of his headaches that he had been receiving from maintaining the shield around Canterlot. Next, he said the old bridesmaids were removed because they only wanted to see Canterlot Royalty and that 'Cadence' had not been on her best behavior with my friends because she had to plan the entire wedding on her own while Shining Armor was defending Canterlot."

which, again, makes the dialogue sound completely unnatural, and it also looks very "flat" because you don't ever stop to give us any indications of what the character is doing while they're speaking. You say Twilight is speaking nervously, but there's not much evidence of it; you have her rattling off this huge wall-of-text speech like a college professor giving a lecture.

There's also a lot of really awkward phrasing, such as "gave warnings to everyone that was brushed off very easily." People just don't talk like that. (Also -- "warning" is plural, so that should be "were brushed off", not "was".)

Again, not a half-bad first effort, but a bit more attention to the details, more character action, and try not to have characters giving long unbroken speeches all the time. Try reading your own dialogue out loud to yourself when you write, in a normal pace and tone of voice, and it'll help you see where the unnatural-sounding parts are. Try not to have a character speak more than two or three sentences before you stop and give us an action or reaction.

This is likely what happened off screen. There really was no excuse for the behavior of Twilight's friends and family. :eeyup:

I don't quite think Twilight would allow her parents to force Shining Armor to do anything. She'd be mad but not that mad. :twilightoops:

"You did the right thing by leaving me alone in the wedding hall."

I kind of wish you'd expanded on that a little more. :trixieshiftleft:

Is there any particular reason why it starts with Chapter 2? I mean there are 5 chapters posted, but where is Chapter 1?

Very gripping first chapter. I felt bad for Twilight so much during this episode, and I was truly ashamed of her friends. :fluttershysad:

I understand Twilight Velvet's and Night Light's resolve to want to force Shining Armor to allow Twilight to rejoin, but it they have to let Twilight deal with such great and troubling situations on her own.:rainbowdetermined2:

Wonderful chapter. I just wish Twilight won't feel that the treatment she received was justified.:fluttershysad:

The bond of friendship can never be broken. :twilightblush::pinkiehappy::heart:

A great ending, and a great last forgiveness from Celestia. :pinkiehappy:

3090925

Forgot to publish it initally, but its on now.

So, you brought this story over from Fanfiction.net, did you, hm?

3160420 Yes, I did. Trying to build an impact on here.

3160458 It was only a matter of time. Black Kyurem heard that there were requests for the story to be brought here.

3160470 I didn't know there were requests for it to be on here.

3160621 Black Kyurem at least thought there were because most MLP related fiction stories end up here anyway.

:pinkiesick:

I'm pretty sure I get thumbs down from this...

3162331 I hope not, however, while your story was effective and powerful, I said in my author's notes, that I all I wanted to do was view Twilight's loved ones apologizing to her in a calm manner. Nothing more and nothing less.

Comment posted by Masterweaver deleted Sep 29th, 2013

Your characters are acting very... stilted. Like they came out of the Pride and Prejudice kind of books. The concept's good, and the message is great, but... I can't actually feel these characters. They're like very bored actors.

I really like this story, the best one I seen based on "A Canterlot Wedding" I've seen. If there was only one problem I have with it is that Spike isn't given enough screentime. Don't get me wrong, you showed Spike feeling guilty, but I just wish there would've been more scenes with him since he's Twilight's best friend. Maybe you could make an epilogue. What do you think? :-)

3333407 As a matter of fact, I am planning to start a sequel tomorrow where Celestia is faced with scrutiny from her subjects over how she failed to protect Canterlot from the Changelings. Perhaps I can add Spike a little more to it.

3334454 Mind if I collab with you on it? :-)

3334523 Certainly as if you do want me to help or Certainly is that you mind me helping you? :-)

3334545 Certainly as in I don't mind you helping me.

3163865

It would be better if this was this instead:

3349994 Hmm, well, I would say the video had the same theme as my story. To be fair, I think Twilight can be too forgiving at times. However, her friends were truly ashamed of their actions and that is why she forgave them so easily, because she knew that they were all sorry.

I hated that scene where they all abandoned her. Not only did it guarantee that part one of the two-part episode would be my second least favorite episode of the series, but it also made me want to slap Meghan McCarthy so hard her eyeballs switch places.

Not best wedding ever.
GREATEST. WEDDING. EVER!!!!!

Well, I think this fic covered about all the bases there were. Good job.

Black Kyurem, aka "he who talks in the third person too much".

"Shining Armor," cried Cadence, tears beginning to form at the corners of her eyes. "I thought you loved me."

You know, this is something that's always bugged me. I get that she's basically saying "If you truly loved me, you should've been able to tell the difference between me and the fake", but it seems like everyone who does one of these post-Canterlot Wedding, alternate ending stories seem to always put this line in a place that makes it seem more like she's questioning his love for her because of his actions towards Twilight during the rehearsal, which makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

4394451 not to mention the major plot hole in this idea. The Real Cadance is like Celestia on her best days, Kind, caring, with a little humor. Chryssy made her into a female Prince Blueblood. Assuming that Celestia and Cadance meet each other often, either daily or weekly she should have noticed a sudden change in attitude. Yet Twilight, who has not seen Cadance for some time that she Doesn't even remember Cadance's formal name. (ANOTHER FREAKING CLUE BY THE WAY TIA! WHY WOULD SHE SUDDENLY DEMAND THAT EVERYPONY CALL HER CADENZA!) Yet Twilight picks up on the change and Celestia does not.!? :twilightoops::facehoof:

3090498 the same. Twilight was more right then wrong. They all forgot the Lesson Zero issue.

I'm disappointed in the way Cadance acted towards her fiancee in this fic. The ultimatum she gives Shining, that unless he is able to win Twilight's forgiveness she's going to leave him, is both callous and unloving of her. How little compassion does she have to have to dig the knife deeper into her fiancee's heart when he's already clearly torn up and guilty about this? Couldn't she have just agreed with him, and supported him in his efforts to win Twilight's forgiveness, rather than shaming him over something he is already ashamed of?

On the plus side, I like that Twilight owns up to the fact that she wasn't acting in the right when she barged in, even if no one did. The fact that nobody agrees with her kinda hurts it, making it seem like it's more of a one-sided issue that Twilight is wrong about, but I am glad it's there.

I recall you saying that you were going to re-edit/rewrite this one at some point. Did you ever do that?

6161535 You must have been mistaken, Jarkes. I never said I was going to rewrite this, only edit a few parts.

6162666 Ah.

Though I'm not totally sure whether I want to read this, given some of the comments on it (particularly what people are saying about Cadance's reaction to it all, unless that's one of the things you edited) and my general distaste for "fix fics" based on Canterlot Wedding, since far too many of them focusing more on "punishing" the other characters for not listening to Twilight, never mind the fact that, while Twilight turned out to be correct, her accusation was poorly thought-out, angry, and irrational.

6164615 I'm leaving Cadence's reaction in it, but I am going to have this story edited for proofreading, etc. I still stand by my decision for Cadence to say what she needed to say. Having Twilight wildly accuse of being evil is one thing, but having her thrown out of the wedding is another. Had there been a scene where her brother, friends and mentor apologize for their actions, then maybe there wouldn't be any repercussions from this episode.

crying in her mother's arms

uh... the pony term is actually forelegs. but everyone makes that mistake 'cause we're all used to writing with human terms instead of pony terms.

6178533 "Arm" is a generic term for any animal's forelimbs--especially when referring to the area between an animal's glenohumeral joint and its elbow. The term is mostly associated with human anatomy, but it is not strictly wrong to use it to identify a pony's forelegs.

5388402 yeah I've yet to see a truly great Story about the aftereffects of A Canterlot Wedding they all have something wrong with them. Either it's a new writer/writer who's struggling with the English language, they drop the idiot ball too hard and mess up the character reactions, or they go 100 W/H (weird per hour) and sail their story of the edge of the cliff. Three I've read have come close to perfection but two of those are unfinished and the other is a one-shot.

As for this one my criticism would be to work in what person you write in. The way Switching between third and second person in this story works gives it a disjointed feel. It reads akward and the characters feel like wooden puppets in a puppet theater.

"Twilight's coming and she looks excited," said Rainbow Dash excitedly. "Boy, is she going to be surprised for what we got for her."

oh your trying to bribe your way back in


destroy it twilight incinerate that dress with the fires of the sun

"I, I don't know what to say,

um how about "fuck you you traitorous two bit bridle wearing saddle hitching daughters of whore's go rut a cactus cause i am done with you glory seeking flank holes" she then burns the dress and walks off

"We had to Twi," said Applejack, taking off her stinson hat. "We knew better than to abandon you like that when you tried to warn us about the fake princess. We all feel really bad for what we did and we all wanted to make all up to you in any way we can."

horse shit you didnt even come up with the idea you overheard shining armour and copied him if you hadn't heard him you would have continued on your merry fucking way not giving a dam about friend you abandoned

IM LOOKING AT YOU ELEMENT OF LOYALTY!!!!!

"That's right," added Fluttershy. "We were all being very bad friends and that was a mistake we all wish we could take back. But, we are all glad you were there for us when we needed you."

you mean when SHE PULLED YOUR GLORY SEEKING ASSES OUT OF THE PROVERBIAL FIRE AGAIN!!!

"We love you, Twilight," said Fluttershy, who became the latest to be overcome with emotion.

OHHH HORSESHIT

GODS IM REALY CYNICAL

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