• Member Since 5th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

yodajax10


E

This story takes place after "Secret of my Excess". After Spike causes a rampage in Ponyville and is turned to normal, there's one gift that Spike realized he forgot to open.

Title Card is not mine.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 21 )

Not bad but not good. Kind of so-so. :applejackunsure:

Very sweet, but not really anything else. I don't think you're a bad author or that this is a bad story—but it is so short and doesn't really have any plot development, so I can't write much of a review. :/

Another heartwarming and beautiful story with Spike and Twilight. I am glad she was there to comfort him after his rampage:twilightblush:. This was a whole lot better than the show's ending, because she didn't even walk up to Spike as she sat on the bridge, no pony except for Rarity, and although that was sweet of Rarity, it was kind of cold of Twilight and the others not to go comfort him. :fluttershysad:

I like it... as long as Twilight is not his mother.

I like it, but it could have been fleshed out a bit more, also I advise you wright the flashbacks in italics and remove the word flashbacks, as they're kind of distracting

Congrats, man.
Your story is on the top of the popular stories list, as of 1:30:pinkiehappy:

He brought many destruction to Ponyville,

"Much" not "many"

Twilight peeked in her room and saw Spike.

"Into her room", not "in her room"

I never got the present from you

Not sure if grammatically incorrect, but still an awkward way of saying "I never opened your present."

Many events have happened this day, for the day before was Spike's first birthday in Ponyville. He received gifts more then he can realize

same as before, not incorrect, but awkward way of saying " had happened today". Although if the events happened on spikes birthday, and that was yesterday, it needs to be changed to show this. "then" needs to be "than" and "can realize" is still correct, but doesn't mean what you intended and should be "he could imagine" or "thought possible" or some other form like "could hope for" since its refering to a past event.

Twilight as she put her hoof on her shoulder.

not sure if you meant she put her hoof on her own shoulder or "his".

Twilight got a little teared up as she smiled at him

Awkward way of saying "Twilight teared up a little." Could also say "Twilight got a little teary eyed as"

"Of course." She said.

comma not period after course.

But while being captive, the princess soon saw, that the dragon wasn't all mean

the second comma is not needed and messes up the message. Could be changed to "wasn't mean at all" but that's just nitpicking.

"Yes, like you." said Cadence,

comma not period after you.

"And so, the princess and the dragon lived happily ever after." Cadence finished

comma not period after after.

sleep. "That was the best story ever..."

comma not period after sleep.

Happy birthday, Spike." She said,

comma not period after Spike.

A nice little vignette.

An excellent little story. My biggest piece of advice here would be to ignore the people who are saying its too short. One if the beauties of pieces like this is that you can get a heartwarming little vignette that you can read through in a couple of minutes and move on past. The story is all there, it makes you feel good reading it, what more do you need.

Fine work, mate.

:moustache:This should have been the very last scene of the episode... So cute!:twilightsmile:

Hey, what's the source for the cover art on this story, by the way?:twilightsheepish:

Needs editing, but the core is sound! Really like how you flipped a gag from the show into something more meaningful. :twilightsmile:

While the pacing and description could be improved, this is a very cute idea :twilightsmile:

I notice about your stories in general, the actual writing could use touching up, but you have some great ideas!

He brought many destruction to Ponyville

Many destruction. Such writer. Very Engrish. Wow.

3006063 BOOOH- Well actually, i guess you're right.:applejackunsure:

D'aaaaawwww.... too cute!:twilightsmile:

I loved the story! :twilightsmile:

This story is so cute and lovely. It is a good short story.

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