• Member Since 5th Aug, 2013
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Takes place after Stare Master. When almost losing Twilight Sparkle to a cockatrice, Apple Bloom becomes afraid of losing Twilight again. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo tell Twilight about this, Twilight sets up a private conversation between her and Apple Bloom. Can Twilight help make the young filly feel better?

This is my take on the underrated friendship between Twilight Sparkle and Apple Bloom. I'm surprised there aren't any other stories about them together.

Thanks to twilightsparkle3562 for helping. Cover image by Snufflin.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 28 )

Very cute!! And now I'm in the mood for more Applebloom and Twilight interactions.
My only real nit to pick is that Applebloom saying Twilight is like a mom to her seems a bit much. Sister would make more sense to me.
But it's your story and a very good one indeed. Fave and star!

Loved the story!:twilightsmile: but warning to you my friend typing "said" a lot will piss some readers off. Just a heads up.

Very nice story, I never noticed how the dynamic between Apple Bloom and Twilight has never really been explored. I suppose it's because of what's been going on since mid Season 1. :twilightsmile:

i freaking loved this! this relationship between applebloom and twilight is amazing! i can't believe i never thought about it that way before.

Pretty darn cute. Well done :twilightsmile:

Over all I like the story very much it was very touching. :fluttercry:
I do have few minor complaints:

:"It's none of your concern!" Apple Bloom snapped.

I don't think a colon is appropriate where you put it. I could be mistaken.

You-you're l-like a...you're like a m-mom to me! Ah-ah just can't lose you!” Apple Bloom began to sob.

Like WordSmith said above I think Apple Bloom saying Twilight was like a mom seems a little two strong. Sister or family would be more appropriate to me.

When adding a dialogue tag to the end of a bit of dialogue you never capitalize the first letter example,

“Goodnight, Twilight.” Said Applejack, who watched Twilight walk home in the starry night.

It should be, "Goodnight, Twilight." said Applejack, who watched Twilight walk home in the starry night.

Dialogue should never end with a period unless it is proceeded by a name or if the bit of dialogue doesn't have a dialogue tag.

Other than the little mistakes that I saw this fiction was great and the mistakes in no way really took away from the content of the story. This is the first story to that I have had the chance to read that explores the relationship between Twilight and Apple Bloom. Keep up the good work and enjoy a up vote, a fav, and a follower. Keep up the good work.

I'd give you points for originality, but you stole them along with all my feels! :fluttercry:

This story was very enjoyable!I certainly loved the idea of the story, very original and heartwarming. As for criticism, I agree with what WorldSmith said and I also feel like some of the wording could be fixed to help this story flow better. Other than those two thins great job.

I'm putting a fave on this. The pairing of Scoots and Twi is one I hadn't thought of. Lots of emotional drive that comes from every child's fear of loss of a loved one. Apart from occasional mishaps with punctuation, you handled this story pretty well. Keep on writing.:pinkiesmile:

Cute idea. AB's relationship with her sister's friends on the whole isn't explored much, even though she's gone to at least three of them (Pinkie, Dash, and Twi) in the past, as well as her opinion matching Twi's in the beginning of Bridle Gossip.

That said, it felt a bit rushed and the friendship lesson makes little sense. AB just comes in and says her bit, and Twi right away decides to change her behavior, but in a way that seems off. With the focus supposedly being on AB and Twi's relationship, it would have been nice to see a longer scene between the two of them, more AB and Twi interaction. Twi is going to do dangerous things, because she's the star of the show a princess (well, will be one), a hero, and the leader of a squad of ponies that have saved the town and Equestria multiple times. And she's not going to clear it with Apple Bloom when she does things like that in the future, so why would she promise to do so? Rather, I'd see her more prone to explaining that she will have to dangerous things, but to make the concession that she will be more careful in the future, and possibly promise to make sure she doesn't venture into the Everfree Forest by herself anymore.

Story was a bit heavy on the tell. It would make a better emotional connection with the reader if it was more show focused. Couple of examples where you're telling us what the characters feel, rather than showing us:

"You two did what?" said Apple Bloom, feeling both shocked and angry.

Twilight felt horrible.

Ezn's guide (found under the FAQ button on the site) has a section on show vs tell that might be worth checking out. Also has a good section on the basics of dialogue grammar, with examples of what and what not to do.

3573605
Yeah, mixing it up with some action tags to indicate who is speaking rather than constant conversation attributions would also be a nice tweak to this story. Though, generally speaking, if you are going to use a conversation attribution, it should be "said" most of the time, rather than a different term. "Said" is mostly invisible to readers.

I agree with the previous comments. The idea is original and warm, but this would have deserved to be longer and more detailed. There is the "show, don't tell" problem, and AB caring so much for Twilight, and saying she's like a mom for her, is too strong. It should have got some details on the purple mare and the young filly strengthening their bond before this story's present time (for example, Twilight often coming to help AB do homework).
I hope this helps. :twilightsmile:

Very cute Not expected. Kudos.

I liked it, but the pacing was a bit fast and there were some minor grammatical errors, some extra quotation marks here n' there. It's a good effort, but try running your story by a friend or two, get some feedback and doctor it up a bit, and try it with every fic you write. Sometimes all we need is a second look to polish up a work of writing. There's a few groups for you if you're looking for editors or pre-readers too! There's options here, make use of them, they're free! and who knows, maybe your next fic will reach the feature box!
Liked for premise and execution, originality always hits home for me. Good job!:twilightsmile:


3575547
...you mean AB and Twi..?:unsuresweetie:

To be honest, 3575830 seemed to say most of what I would have but I wanted to add this: some of the dialogue seems off for who is talking. For example,

"It's none of your concern!" Apple Bloom snapped.

Concern doesn't feel like a word AB would use here. 'Business' seems more her style. She's not stupid but she is a bit ... brusk without the negative connotations of that word. This is something Rarity would say, not AB. She's similar to her sister in speech if a bit more energetic. Word choice really helps with character development.

Overall, it feels a tad rushed. This pairing really needs to be built up more and some of the emotions seem 'heavier' than the situation calls for. It's by no means bad, just needs a bit of polish.

Yeah, I meant AB and Twi. That's what I get for writing past my bedtime. :pinkiehappy:

Awesome Story, I Also Add this to My Group "Under-Rated" and to the The Accusation Fic Collection :pinkiehappy: Good Story. :twilightsmile:

A Twilight/Apple Bloom Friendship story? *Pounces*

I think WorldSmith and Mudpony have said what needs to be for characterization, setting, pacing, and all that jazz. As for the positive, I love this concept, and I'm thrilled I'm not the only one who wants to see more of a bond between Twilight and Apple Bloom. Based on their interaction in the show, my own headcannon has Twilight being almost as much of a big sister to Apple Bloom as Applejack is :twilightsmile: plus, seeing as the fanbase sees Twilight as Applejack's closest friend, it stands to reason that she'd be closer to the rest of the family then the other Mane Six members.

Emphasis on sister, of course, not mom :rainbowwild:

Plus, I'm a TwiMac shipper, so it's possible for Twilight to literally be Apple Bloom's big sister :heart:

This was an enjoyable story. I don't think there are many stories that explore the bond between these two.

I never thought about how that Cockatrice incident affected them. If I was AB age and that happened to someone I cared for it give me some nightmares

A charming little story. There's one thing I have to suggest:

“Ahem,” said Spike as he was about to go in the shower.”

Lose the quotation mark at the end of that because, Grammatically it doesn't belong there.

Also,

"Sugarcube, hold it. Just one moment." said Applejack, calmly. "The reason your friends did this is because they care about you, right?"
"Well, yeah." said Apple Bloom. "But-"
"But nothing." said Applejack. "You have friends who care about you, who won't do anything to hurt you. Sure, maybe they did go behind you back, but they did it to help you. And with friends like them, you don't just have friends...you have a family."

That's a quote to meditate on.

:pinkiesad2::pinkiesad2::pinkiesad2::pinkiesad2::pinkiesad2:

Apple Bloom sees Twilight like her mother? that's so sweet. at some point now, i so have to write a fic like this too, though, not like this one, but a different one... uh... you know what i mean.

for this fic, you get a like, a favorite and a follower... unless i;m already following you, i follow so many on this site i forget sometimes.

4514142 I wold like to see a twilight apple bloom fic made by you

“I’ve learned that before I do dangerous stuff like going in the Everfree Forest alone, I need to ask friends like you to see if they’re okay with it.” Said Twilight.

I... don't know... that moral kind of rubbed me the wrong way... :applejackunsure:
I think it would sound better if it was said like this: “I’ve learned that before I do dangerous stuff like going in the Everfree Forest alone, I need to consider my friends and how they might react, if a bad situation occurs."
You don't really need to ask permission from your friends, but you do need to consider their feelings towards such things.

That was a cute story I would have never pegged Twilight as a mother figure to Apple Bloom but the way you explained it it seemed rather obvious great storytelling:twilightsmile:

I like the premise of this story, but it has some shortfalls. First, you need an editor. There are plenty of groups for authors where you can find an editor to fix the grammer issues. Second, ask the editor the editor for advice on story flow and progression. The dialogue feels very clunky and the general flow of the story isn't very smooth. Get those things fixed and this story will be so much better for it.

I wish there were more stories like this. Twilight (in my opinion) is the perfect mother figure for Applebloom!

Twilight Sparkle = Sailor Moon/Tai Kamiya
Applejack = Queen Serenity/Matt Ishida
Apple Bloom = Sailor Minimoon/T.K. Takaishi

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