• Member Since 18th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen 5 minutes ago

CommanderX5


Sequels1



E
Source

During the entrance exam to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, Twilight completely loses control of her magic. Celestia tries in vain to calm her down, but having no other choice she's forced to use a shrinking spell on the filly in order to tone down her dangerous surge of power.

After the exam, Celestia takes the tiny Twilight as her personal student to teach the young unicorn control over her powerful magic, making sure that she will pose no threat to other beings.

Will tiny Twilight be able to step out into a world designed for someone far larger than her? And will her size impede her in the trials of life as princess personal student ?
Side stories: "My Little Twiny April Foals Day" and "My Little Medic"


[img]https://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/109x149q90/138/zvuu.png[/img] [img]https://imagizer.imageshack.us/v2/136x137q90/843/7m25.png[/img]

Sub-autors:
Kydois (Audience <3!)
Georg

Editors:
kingtiger666
Ultra1437
Frozen Ice King

Pre-reader:
Rated PonyStar

Chapters (35)
Comments ( 1832 )

First chapter.... Not bad. Nice addition of details.

~Skeeter The Lurker

That entire scene with the sugar cube reminds me of the movie "Honey I Shrunk the Kids".

Like the rewrites so far.

~Skeeter The Lurker

Ooh! Having Fancy Pants in the know is a nice touch.

Comment posted by CommanderX5 deleted Oct 14th, 2013

2760550
I tried to fix what many people complained, and also giving more information about how Celestia know so much about elements, I am glad that I and my editors succeed.

2760585

Fancy Pants is the only noble who care for Equestria, and what's more, he keep all arrogant and useless nobles in line. No one knows how much easier Celestia life has become thanks to him, so yea, from all ponies, he deserve to be trusted.

Great additional prologue - makes sense that the elements rainbow and the fact only one pony can do a rainboom are related, never thought of that before! :rainbowderp:

Thank you and the editors for delivering this story.

2760870

Well, I found it suspicious:
1) No pony ever did sonic rainboom before.
2) RainbowDash did it as a filly while having trouble to do it as a well trained adult/teenager ( so skills, speed, maturity have nothing to do with it )
3) Sonic Rainboom was made by a future bearer of elements of harmony.
4) When mane 6 use elements, they send a rainbow to strike enemy every time ( sonic rainboom is practically a rainbow wave, I fell connection ).
5) Sonic Rainboom woke up cutie mark in every element bearer, and affected only element bearer.

Far to many connections to ignore, so I decided to make it my head canon, and it also explain why Celestia expected Twilight to find the right ponies, become they friends and unlock elements after passing several trails ( maybe Celestia and Luna also had to pass trials like that before they unlocked elements ).

Comment posted by CommanderX5 deleted Oct 14th, 2013

2760842

Thanks, can you share what you liked the most ?

2760936 Glad you liked it, I hope I will get more feedback sooner or later.

Chapter 2 and 3 are already done, but they are not edited, and it is up to editors how fast I can update it again ( probably week or longer ).

And by the way, what you liked in this chapter the most ?

Now i have the image stuck in my head of a pixie sized Alicorn Princess Twilight :twilightsmile:

"But I swear as her mother, even if you are the Princess of Equestria, if you hurt our daughter or let anypony hurt her, I will personally show you what an angry mother can do,"

And then Velvet finds out about Celly stepping on Twilight by accident later.

...

Many guards were found knocked out. Celestia was found in the 'goat faint' position with a pair of black eyes. More guards trying to arrest Velvet for giving Celly a pair of shiners found themselves with matching ones.

...

Celestia pardons Velvet from the arrest when she regains consciousness. "Fuck that noise, I had it coming. XD"

Twilight is ready for a game of Mice and Mystics!
Tally Ho Little Filly! :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by CommanderX5 deleted Oct 14th, 2013

2761607

I am sure that having ability to fly, ability to learn magic on much higher level and also gaining earth pony strength and stamina alongside alicorn endurance will help tiny Twilight on her tiny adventures.

2761636

Actually Celestia stomp on Twilight in chapter 6, but Twilight forgive her, so or Twilight never mentioned this accident to her mother, or she will beg her mother to not do something she may regret.

Also, I am sure Celestia feeling guilty after stomping on Twilight, would let Velvet to punch her or hit with magic how many times she will want, the problem is that Celestia have alicorn endurance, so Velvet will rather get tired then do any moderate damage to the princess.

2761678

Mice and Mystics!, never hear of it, what kind of game is that ?

A note from an editor to the audience.
I've said in another chapter that I've never been taken as an editor before. This would be the first time I've done any work on a story over the internet and before, I felt that my involvement in FimFiction stories really depended on what I can get done and what I've gotten done. I know it's a bit selfish to work on a story to gain reputation, but it really bothered me that a good idea can simply die out due to easy, correctable issues. I've written a story before in my own time, but, without any audience feedback from my friends, I've since stopped. I'd like to think I know what abandoning an unwanted story feels like, and I don't want others to abandon good premises just because they can't get enough love for their story.

With the original state of the chapter and the prologue, I admit I was rather worried at how the audience would react, but it really makes me happy that the comments from this chapter and the edited prologue are so much more positive than before. It's nice that this concept can really shine through without being bogged down by grammar mistakes and broken flow. It really encourages me to continue working on this story.

Just remember that an appreciative audience can do wonders in helping writers to continue writing and to improve their stories. Continue giving feedback and we'll do our best to give you the best we can give!

:heart:

ok that's really wired how i posted a comment on the old version of this and i still see it on the story's page but now it wont appear on here? guess that was just a wired timing i hit where i was reading the chapter as you were updating it.....


hm , well i didn't have any notable problems reading this , maybe your dialog for celestia was a bit wired just pointing out how you weren't raised to speak english , but man i wonder what the story looked like before all those edits from all those complaints ._.'......

I'm not too sure if I liked the new scene at the end, it felt pretty unecessary and only built up some fanon which served little purpose.
Otherwise, I found this re-edited chapter an improvement.

Liked the original better. Still good.

Nice rework on the prolog, well done.

This is much better than the original. Good show! :twilightsmile:

2762176
Eh, everyone has goals. If helping someone else helps you towards those goals, then double gain! :raritywink:

That aside, I am loving these rewritten chapters. I liked it before for the concept and content, but had moments where I cringed at how said content was laid out. With the rewrites I've yet to have a single cringe moment, and the new content reads wonderfully! Before, while not quite what I would call 'rushed', it was a bit fast paced and lacking on early development of character, relying a bit too much on canon development that hasn't really happened yet, or wouldn't happen the same with these new circumstances.

I Fully expect Fluttershy to be a Mother Hen (capitalized for a reason here) when it comes to Twilight, and for Twilight to cause her grey hairs at times. Even if they are all around the same age, it is hard to remember that they are such when one is so tiny, so I kinda predict the other main 6 to treat twilight somewhat like a younger sister. Case in point: Spike. He is at least 15 in canon, yet everyone treats him like a baby (even if he may be by dragon standards), yet everyone treats him like a young child.


Just a few fun ideas for the future, since I recall the author saying that this twilight will be a brave little filly:
1. Twilight making a harnass/saddle to ride random things.
2. Twilight using said harnass to ride Spike as a role reversal.
3. Spike riding another pony, while Twilight rides Spike. Rideception.
4. Twilight making some sort of flight harnass to ride with Rainbow Dash and experience a sonic rainboom. (I would SO totally do this personally!) :yay:
5. Chicken races! Twilight riding one of Fluttershy's chickens vs. Scootaloo! GO! :rainbowwild:
6. Angel Bunny vs. Twilight and the horrible consequences of it. DUN DUN DUUUUN!
7. CUTIE MARK CRUSADER DOLL HOUSE DESIGNERS YAY! And any other doll related hijinks that you can think of.
8. Rarity going nuts about how easily she can make/difficult it is to make Twilight beautiful clothing with so little fabric. Prototypes?
9. Discord shrinking everyone/everything else down to twilight's size, but pretending like he just made her normal sized, and not telling anyone what he did until after they shrink her again. He would so do this.
*10. NMM vs. Twilight! The Charge! NMM falls over and dies from laughter, then gets punted across the room by Twilight's unproportional strength. Just thinking about that made me laugh for a bit too long...
11. The Element of Magic tiara. Uh... So many things that could be done with this... A 'ring' for a normal pony, tiara for her? (Maybe discord missing the element of magic when he steals the elements since its so small?) The Tiara not fitting AT ALL with Twilight struggling to hold it up?
12. Poison Joke: AJ - twilight gets an advencha buddy for a bit. Twilight - Becomes a giant? Nah, too easy. Becomes smaller so shes tiny compated to AJ and rides AJ around? Ridiculous. I like it! :pinkiecrazy:
13. Pinkie Pie constantly always having perfectly sized food and/or tables and eating utensils for her? You Know it would be in character.
14. Twilight becoming terrified of gummy's 'Love Attacks'.
15. Twilight making a flying propellor for herself like Tank's.
16. Twilight riding a paper airplane/model plane.
17. Opal and all that entails. :flutterrage::raritycry::twilightoops:
18. Discord turning twilight into a plastic MLP Toy and playing with her in a toy castle. Then him possibly giving her wings to play 'princess'. Then when she gets turned back, she keeps the wings. Boom. Most WTF alicorn ascension story ever.

I have more, but I think this is getting a little long. :facehoof:
I look forward to moar!

Comment posted by CommanderX5 deleted Oct 14th, 2013

2762389

I unpublished original prologue as I found it no longer useful, but since prologue still exist ( just not published ), old comments still remain, just in case someone would want to check it.

2762781

Actually it will serve purpose in this story, just later on, as it explain what Celestia planned for elements, and it will inflict her action in future.

2764563

Do not worry, I have plan to let Twilight assist RainbowDash in training her sonic rainboom, and Twilight will also be studding pegasus magic, so Twilight riding a flying pony is totally possible.

Twilight vs Anger, how about a snowball fight, where General Angel and General Twilight will lead they animal armies in snowball fight, Twilight riding an eagle what drop snowball bombs while Angel on a Harry the Bear fire AA snowball's into her.

Twilight vs Opal, Opal will try to eat Twilight as if she was a mouse, but Twilight will find the idea of exploring cat inside an interesting research, as result Opal will need to run from Twilight so she wont forcefully push herself into Cat's stomach ( Twilight is far to hard for Opal claws and teeth, and Twilight is to big to be gulped in one peace, so Opal will be a victim here.

As for Discord, I was not sure do he would shrink every pony, he would rather let Twilight keep her horn as in his opinion tiny Twilight is entertaining without any changes, also, Fluttershy will be rather cruel to tiny Twilight when she will turn into her other self, stomping on Twilight several times, calling her useless and unnoticeable.

And yea, Twilight will go out of her skin to show others from mane 6 that she is more then her little size can suggest.

Good but, meh. I personally thinkthe original was better. Sorry just thought you would like the feedback.

2764563

7. CUTIE MARK CRUSADER DOLL HOUSE DESIGNERS YAY! And any other doll related hijinks that you can think of.
8. Rarity going nuts about how easily she can make/difficult it is to make Twilight beautiful clothing with so little fabric. Prototypes?
9. Discord shrinking everyone/everything else down to twilight's size, but pretending like he just made her normal sized, and not telling anyone what he did until after they shrink her again. He would so do this.

Okay you need to do all of these, CommanderX5. Especially #7.

2767662

Number 9 is out, but number 8 and 9 are totally on.

The only problem is that not many ppl seems to notice my story after I posted updates and new chapter, so I think that once I get to the point where Twilight will go to Ponyvile, I will just make it as sequel of this story and hope for the best ( with make sense since going to Ponyvile will be a new part of Twilight's lift, a part where everything she learned enduring her thorny road in Canterlot will be put in use ).

Ah, the rewrite I assume? Not bad, I'd say.

I assume that after the rewrites and edits to the current chapters are done we'll see a new one?

~Skeeter The Lurker

2786889

Yes, in next update, I will upload chapter 3, and also add edited version of chapter 4.

Don't hope for a quick update though. It's taking quite a bit of time for me to go through the chapters since I plan on doing a thorough job, but I'm gonna get there eventually. I hope.

2786906 Theres a Fanfic that goes by the name of "The Battle Of Fort Book" so i think you should change

Book Fort.

To Fort Book... You know REFRENCES! :P

Yay book fort! And at her size, she could actually make a fort her size out of books. :pinkiehappy:

I quite like the new guard characters - hope we see more of them!

That bath scene.... MY HEARTS STOPPED!

She stumbled, and the cup quickly upended over her. She gave a quick yelp before the cup dropped down, completely trapping her beneath it.


HHHNNNGGG

Shining you were asking for that. It takes a brave (and at times stupid) pony to accuse Celestia of not caring. Very well done

Teacup scene was adorable

I really liked the redone Shining Armor argument scene, with Celestia. It felt like there was genuine outrage there, and her rebuttal seemed in-character too.

Comment posted by CommanderX5 deleted Oct 14th, 2013
Comment posted by CommanderX5 deleted Oct 14th, 2013

2802595

Thanks, we did our best.

I hope that Shining rage again princess was not overdoing ( after all it was his superior ruler he snapped up again ).

2802559

Congratulation go to Georg for his great inspiration about the bath scenes, applause goes to him.

2803569

Thanks.

I did not feel that flashback in chapter 7 left quite the impression I wanted, so I decided to put it in it is own chapter and show entire scene what transpired back than.

Also, I deleted flashback what Shining Armor have in chapter 7 since entire event took place in chapter 3, no need to repeat myself.

hmmmm.......
A magical flying hardcover book ride oddly comes to mind.... :facehoof:

The re-writes are excellent, but can't wait for a sugarcubed size Twilight meets Applejack :ajsmug:

Login or register to comment