Helped Me Feel Alright
It had taken less than ten minutes to convince Twilight of how important this meeting was, and of how happy it would make Fluttershy. Despite Twilight’s well-prepared lecture on the nature of hype and expectations, Fluttershy had insisted that merely meeting such a mare would do wonders for her self-esteem, even if the romantic chances were slim. Twilight had shaken her head and sighed many times, but a few pouts later and Fluttershy had gotten a promise of a setup.
She was starting to regret it. It was one thing to beg her close friend for a favor, but now, sitting in the restaurant, her date due any moment, she was starting to panic.
Alright, she had begun to regret and panic long before today. What to do with her mane, whether to wear anything, whether to bring her calendar along for Lily to sign. Her current panic was admittedly more acute than all the rest, since now she was moments away from the actual event, and nopony was here to help her calm down.
More than once she had considered bolting. Going back to her cottage—back to staring at that photo—was a thousand times better than making a bad impression with the world’s most perfect mare.
Fluttershy was too distracted by dread to notice Lily approaching.
“Hello.”
Fluttershy nearly fell out of her seat. She strongly considered running away, even as she turned to the source of the greeting. When she saw Lily’s smile, however, all her fear and confusion and hesitation melted away.
The pink mare looked a-thousand-and-one times more beautiful in three dimensions. The lily in her hair looked as pristine as it had in the photograph, and though there was no camera angle to accentuate its placement, none was needed. The smell of flowers and freshly cut plants wafted off her body. The smell was engaging, yet not harsh or invasive.
Lily smiled again. “Oh, sorry to startle you. You’re Fluttershy, right?”
Fluttershy nodded.
Lily extended a hoof. “Pleased to meet you! My name’s Lily Valley. Twilight told me a lot about you.”
Fluttershy extended her hoof, but Lily suddenly withdrew hers.
“You washed your hooves recently, right? Twilight told me you work with animals…”
“Oh, of course I did.”
“Right, sorry, of course. Can’t be too careful though.” Lily smiled sheepishly.
Their hooves pressed together, and Fluttershy’s heart skipped a beat. Then another. She finally noticed she wasn’t breathing, and she took a deep breath. Too deep, as she started coughing loudly into her shoulder.
Lily raised an eyebrow. “Uhm, right. May I sit down?”
Fluttershy nodded enthusiastically. “Please do!” She waved a hoof at the other seat, and smacked her hoof against the table in the process. She blinked really hard. Poker face, don’t mess this up.
Fluttershy turned to face the table, and she saw Lily plop herself down in the other seat. Her movements were not as graceful as Fluttershy had hoped.
Oh no, does that mean she’s already bored? Did I make her uncomfortable and now she just wants to leave? WhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdo—
“Are you okay?”
“Huh?” Fluttershy blinked again. “Oh, yes, I’m fine.”
“Twilight said you wanted to ask me something?”
“Oh, uhm, yes, I did.”
“And that was?”
Fluttershy bit her lip. She had planned some topic of conversation, but she was blanking on it. Thankfully the waiter arrived to drop off their menus. He mentioned something or other about specials, but Fluttershy was far too busy staring at her not-quite-date’s lips and ears and bangs and chest to bother listening.
Fluttershy saw Lily sense her stares, and turned her head seconds before the perfect pony looked up. Years of practice had made Fluttershy very good at avoiding eye contact, but it was rather tempting to let herself get caught just this once.
“So, what did you want to talk to me about again?” Lily asked.
“Oh, well, Twilight told me you were a botanist.”
“Amateur botanist,” Lily corrected.
“Right, well, uhm, I…need…”
Lily returned to her menu. “Twilight said you were the town’s fauna manager?”
“One of them,” Fluttershy corrected. “I was hoping you could, uhm, help me inspect some of the plants near my house. I’m worried they might be poisonous, but I’m really not sure.” Perfect! Fluttershy thought to herself. And then after we do that I can invite her in for coffee, possibly dinner, and then we’ll spend so much time talking that I’ll just positively insist she sleep in my bed while I take the couch, since walking home would be far too much trouble. And then she’ll politely insist that she couldn’t impose like that and I’ll casually suggest sharing the bed and—oh, feathers, I’m ignoring her!
“—so it’s actually not that hard to recognize poison sumac, poison ivy, and poison joke, and most animals avoid it anyway. Although it can catch on their fur if you’re not careful. Do any of those sound like your plants?”
“Uhm, not really, I know what poison joke looks like. I’ve never seen these particular plants before.”
Lily folded her menu and placed it on the table, reminding Fluttershy she hadn’t chosen anything yet. “Well, can you describe it?” Lily asked. “I may not have to come up to your house at all. I’d rather not if I don’t have to.”
“Uhm…”
“Ladies, are you ready to order?”
Fluttershy let out a deep breath. Now she had some time to think of a lie, shouldn’t be too hard.
“Miss?” The waiter leaned a bit closer to Fluttershy. “I said ‘and what about you?’”
“Oh! I’ll, uhm, have what she’s having…?”
“Very good then. Two romaine and watercress salads with carrot and cucumber, coming right up.”
“Uh, anyway, I didn’t really get a good look at the plants.” Fluttershy looked to the side. “I, uhm, didn’t want to take any risks with my animals.”
“Well, then what makes you think I would want to get near it?”
“Well, sorry. I guess I really didn’t think of that.”
There was a painfully long silence. Fluttershy tried mumbling something a few times, but it was obvious she had blown her one and only chance with this pinnacle of pony perfection. She was mentally berating herself for the fourth time when their food arrived.
Fluttershy wasn’t hungry, but reluctantly picked up her fork anyway. She had a scoop inches from her mouth when she heard a loud, indignant gasp.
“Uhm, sorry, is something wrong?” Fluttershy asked.
“Yes! There are only thirteen carrots in this salad!”
“Sorry, but what’s the matter?”
“‘What’s the matter?’” Lily recoiled in horror at the question. “Didn’t you read the menu? It specifically said ‘fourteen hearty carrot chunks!’ I only ordered it because of my diet, and now my entire day is ruined. This is horror incarnate!” She swooned dramatically, slumping against her chair, her mouth hanging open in a silent wail.
Fluttershy munched on her bite of salad slowly, and then delicately swallowed. “I’m sorry, but I really don’t see what the problem is.”
Lily’s head snapped up. “Hmph, I shouldn’t expect you to. You and your friends are always causing problems everywhere.”
“What? N-no we don’t…”
“Oh don’t you?” Lily leaned forward, and Fluttershy couldn’t help but notice the way her mane and the flower in it swept seductively in front of her face before settling back into place. “That bunny stampede destroying my garden? Parasprites eating the town? Applejack’s sister, what’s her name, nearly infesting the town with those cursed cutie marks!?”
“It wasn’t really that much of a stampede…”
“I told Twilight I didn’t want to have anything to do with you and your crazy problems! I have a very delicate disposition! I’m a precious flower! I can’t keep risking life and loin and limb over these ridiculous situations!”
“I just wanted some help identifying some plants…” Fluttershy said sheepishly.
“And then what?” Lily gestured wildly with her hooves. “I go to your cottage to help you, and then what? We get attacked by timberwolves? The plants explode? My mane gets eaten by wandering hair spiders!?”
“I don’t think those exist…”
“Twilight tried to convince me that you were a delicate flower, as well. Kept going on and on about how attractive and sensitive and attractive you are. But this,” Lily jabbed a hoof at her untouched food, “this…this salad disaster is an omen! I told Twilight this was a bad idea, no matter how attractive you are!”
Lily suddenly leapt out of her seat. “Now if you’ll excuse me momentarily, I must track down our boorish waiter. Perhaps I can still salvage this fiasco of a meal.”
Fluttershy watched her not-date walk towards the kitchen, and for some reason the swaying of her dock wasn’t nearly as seductive as she had hoped it would be. Lily barged into the kitchen and Fluttershy heard several muffled shouts. She could have sworn that Lily also gasped and audibly swooned at least three times.
Fluttershy turned back to her salad. She nearly had a forkful ready when her hoof suddenly, reflexively covered her mouth. She felt a smile creep over her face, and before she knew it, she had started laughing.
Fluttershy flicked the lights on, and was immediately greeted by a manic grin inches from her face.
“Hi, Fluttershy!” Twilight looked around for a few moments, then smacked herself in the face. “Duh, right.” She poked her head under the couch. “Sorry about that. I know you said no teleporting and everything, but I just couldn’t wait to hear how your date went!”
Fluttershy slid out from under her couch. “Oh, uhm, sorry, it’s okay.” She took a deep breath and gave Twilight the short version of her “date.”
As the story finished, Twilight chuckled. “Yeah, well, I tried to warn you about that.”
Fluttershy turned her head to the side. “I know, and I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you but, well…” She stole a glance at the calendar still on her wall. “The picture made her seem just like me, and I couldn’t help but fantasize.”
“Oh, Fluttershy… Fantasies are fun, but they’re ultimately just that: fantasies. It’s like Sweet Emotion says—a real relationship is always more satisfying than a fantasy because you have to work at it a little. You can’t expect the perfect pony to just show up. I guess as your wingmare, I didn’t really tell you that properly.” Twilight’s ears drooped. “This whole thing is sort of my fault…”
Fluttershy quickly pulled Twilight into a hug. “Don’t be absurd, Twilight! You were a great wingmare. The best I’ve ever had.”
“Really?”
Fluttershy nodded. “Really. I’m just sorry I didn’t listen to you. I guess I’ll never find my very special somepony at this rate…”
Twilight grabbed Fluttershy and stared her right in the eyes. “Don’t say that! You’re kind and smart and pretty and thoughtful and… I mean, my point is, anypony would be lucky to have you as a very special somepony. You’ll find them someday. Maybe you already know them.”
Fluttershy smiled. “Thanks, Twilight.”
Twilight nodded and suddenly stood up. “No problem! That’s what, uh, wingmares are for, right?” She started walking towards the door. “Anyway, I should get home. Spike’s probably worried.” Twilight magicked the door open, but paused. She turned back to Fluttershy. “You’ll find a very special somepony someday, I promise. Just maybe look around you instead of in your fantasies, okay?”
“Right, realistic expectations. I was listening to your lecture, you know.” Fluttershy smiled sheepishly.
Twilight grinned and walked outside.
Fluttershy waved to Twilight, and then sighed. She sidled back inside and shut the door. Twilight’s right, there’ll be other ponies. “Plenty of apples in the orchard,” as Applejack says. She began to head to her kitchen, but something caught her eye.
The calendar was still hanging from her wall, the picture of Lily still hanging enticingly above the page for April. Fluttershy floated over and took the calendar down. It really was an amazing picture. The shot was centered perfectly on her cutie mark, and the use of perspective meant there was very little negative space. The truth of its subject didn’t dull the subtlety and grace and confidence emanating from the page. Fluttershy sighed loudly. Probably not healthy to obsess over it, she admitted to herself. She closed the calendar and floated over to a kitchen drawer. It is for next year; perhaps by then I’ll have gotten over it, or at least developed a new crush.
Fluttershy chuckled softly at the dash of self-deprecation, and gently placed the calendar face-down in her drawer.
Then she paused.
All the fine print on the back page of the calendar listed the ponies involved. Fluttershy had never bothered to read any of it. It seemed as trivial as most other legalese, and there was plenty to look at elsewhere. But one of the names listed on it caught her eye. It was italicized, and set on its own line.
Photography by Keen Eye, Cunning Camerawork Inc.
Fluttershy finally closed the drawer and began to prepare dinner for her animals. As she did, her mind began to wander.
Keen Eye is a really nice name. I wonder if…no, that would be silly. But, if they captured all those qualities in a photo, they must understand them, right? Maybe they use their photography to express themselves?
What if they’re a pegasus who only flies if they really have to for aerial shots? Or they’re an earth pony who has to be really careful with all their cameras because they could only afford unicorn equipment, but they’re so confident in their work it doesn’t matter? Or what if…
Fluttershy was so lost in thought, she failed to notice she had overfilled Angel’s bowl.
I wonder if Twilight takes a photography class…
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2468416
It's a song about about unrealistic crushes and escapism. And masturbation.
Hence the "Inspired by" instead of "Based on" label.
But then, Twilight does put that extra bit of emphasis on "interrupt."
tHIS NS God, mfafvorit.
2468874 I apologize, Barara's really drunk. I think he's praising you.
2468883 WHaf ehiasd.
2468887 Go drunk, Barata, you're home.
2468972 awhat hesadi
2469573
One-shot. The ending is intentionally left open.
Delicate flower, yeah right. More dramatic than Rarity. Oh Fluttershy, here you go again...
Oh, Fluttershy.
*Laughs* Very nice. The ending was spot on.
You magnificent bastard. This was perfect.
Pacing was perfect. Concept, perfect. The date scene? Perfect. I actually love how you played Fluttershy in this- yes, she's demure and shy and a bit of a space case, but you pull back before she comes off as completely helpless. Twilight's exchange with her at the end provides a nice little conclusion, and despite the fact that Fluttershy jumps from an obsession with Lily to another pony she's never met, there's a sense that the kid will be alright.
I really wish I had something more substantial to say about this fanfic, I make up for my own lack of writing output by trying to pack as much constructive content as I can into my commentary. Sadly, I think I'm going to have to leave this comment short and sweet. Like the story. Because the length was pretty much about as perfect as I could have asked for.
Oh, okay. And the way you characterized Lily was so amusing that it's my new headcanon personality for this character. The horror.
Very nice.
I like how you didn't go for heartbreak, which provides a more light-hearted tone.
It's just a crush, after all.
If I had written this story, I might have ended up pairing Fluttershy with Twilight, and there are definitely shades of that here, but it's probably better to leave it open like you did.
P.S.: It seems like Twilight is joining EVERY class, club and workshop in town. I mean, welding?
2476190
I tried to base Lily's characterization on the show, but I may have made her worse than I intended.
2511291
The welding helps her with her fire spells. Not sure about the journalism class and board game club, though.
And glad you both liked it
No, I'm not projecting my own romantic experiences onto Fluttershy. Don't be absurd...
Yes Lily. I'm sure all precious flowers uproot themselves and complain to their gardeners if they're planted in the wrong coloured pot. Y'idiot.
A silly fic that not only plays well on Lily's "background pony" behaviour through the series, but also lets the reader walk away with a lesson in mind. Bravo!
Excellent story.
I love your characterization of Lily, and I loved the ending, too.
Pfft. Oh Fluttershy, you silly pony.
Cute and funny~ Also Fluttershy does seem like the kind of pony that would accept fliers that are shoved at her if she were walking down the street in a city.
Hmm... had to give some real thought to exactly what I didn't like about the prose, and I think it's that it seems like an odd use of PoV—somewhere between 3rd person limited and 3rd person omnipotent, yet a bit bland for one and too flighty for the other. Maybe the opening put me off right away (I found it extremely dry) and I was just hyper-critical for the rest, but combined with the lack of any real sense of pace it just came off feeling forumalic.
As for the comedy tag... I dunno. I'm willing to put it down to being in a rather dour mood, but it was way too forced, and too obvious, for me to find anything funny.
-Scott
2648067 2648089 2648141
Thanks
2649001
She had a flyer for a minotaur masseuse once, but Rarity made her recycle it.
That was pretty good! No outlandish characterizations, a pretty believable background pony portrayal for Lily (in all seriousness, the Ponyville population has RIDICULOUS tolerance for the shit that goes down there in part cuz of the Mane 6) and it got a giggle out of me with the added bonus of a little life lesson. I really love these kind of short, concise slice-of-life fics; feels much more like the show and actually ends eventually instead of continuing on into mediocrity like so many fics...
Great work!
2649314 Well, the second draft also elaborated upon Twilight's thoughts, and an editor correctly pointed out that it was jarring. Perhaps it's a leftover of that draft or my style, but I don't find anything too jarring about using internal monologue for more concrete thoughts and narrative monologue for less concrete emotions. Obviously I'm a bit biased in this regard, and I am trying to improve on sticking to a single type (a different editor pointed the disparity out in a different story, but it was a more explicit comedy so they didn't press the issue).
The opening was originally a full page long, and I was correctly advised to cut it down (three times, by three separate people
). It may be boring, more so if you're not in a romantic frame of mind, but I think it is important for establishing a baseline and context for Fluttershy's behavior.
I may have injected a bit too much of my personal experiences into the comedy, but I like to think that even without comedic value it still helps characterize Fluttershy.
I won't deny that there's a lot of personal experience and feelings wrapped up in this story. I don't think that's necessarily bad, however. I learned long ago that not everything can have universal appeal.
Even though you didn't enjoy it, thank you very much for taking the time to read it all, and to leave a comment explaining your thoughts.
Hopefully my explanations didn't come off as too defensive, because I really do consider all these critiques when I settle down to write new things.
2649837 Absolutely nothing wrong with falling back on personal experience—it's frequently the best way to create solid stories. And don't worry, you didn't come off any any more defensive than would be reasonable under the circumstances.
I can certainly sympathize with issues in streamlining openings; I spent a good long while trying to get my hear around it. What I eventually had beaten into me is that when using a setup of that type it needs to either be very personal (inspiring empathy), or invite the reader to do a little brain-work. I think that's where you lost me as the introduction is distinctly lacking in show, yet doesn't feel personal enough to carry as indirect monologue. It tells us what she sees, but doesn't really give us an implication of how she feels about it. That distance, I think, is why the PoV felt a bit blurred: the style of prose was more akin to a high psychic distance rather than the close one that would have been more appropriate. That's why it came off as telling to me, it didn't leave any space to figure the implications out for myself, yet didn't give me a sense of Fluttershy's experience, either.
Thus, if I had a suggestion to make it would be to try and focus a little more on how if felt to be in Fluttershy's situation, rather than the facts of that moment in time. Try to add in more sensory experience to mix up the raw telling of the circumstance that caused it. That is, if you're going to use that style of prose, at least—the other end of the scale would be to go heavy on the show and cut much of the internalizations, but that clearly wasn't what you wanted.
Not that I mean to beat you over the head with it or anything, but I thought the added detail might help, given the nature of your response.
-Scott
2656126 You have Eclipsed my joke good sir.
2656727>>2656126
These are some highly witty wordplays.
Clever puns, dare I say.
2511291 my head canon is that she develops a new crush on Twilight, and as suggested/hinted in the story Twilight already has a crush on fluttershy, Twilght works up the courage to tell her and they end up together.
the end 
That was fun.
Fluttershy may not have hit it off but atleast she took something from the experience. Also fun to see Lily used in a story, she doesn't get alot of them.
Bravo!
2660591
Thanks
2659536
My headcanon is that Keen Eye teaches Twilight's photography class at the community college.
2660749 that makes sense!
Each pony has some kind of mental problem huh?
Nice read, poor Fluttershy...
I liked this a lot! In fairness, I was desperate for a happy, trivial comedy so I could forget that I just read a story about some innocent stallion being raped to death by a changeling, so even if this was deeply flawed I might not have noticed, but all the same! Fluttershy/5 would read again if I didn't have literally 109 other stories to read first.
This story basically doesn't do anything. It setups a no-conflict and then delivers a no-resolution. The writing is serviceable, but there are no special characteristics worth attributing to it.
"People sometimes have unrealistic expectations. Also, they don't learn. The end."
2831633
I think the reason this story is so divisive is that the resolution depends on the reader; three major details about the ending are left up to the reader (Did Fluttershy learn anything? Did Twilight have a crush on her? Does either of them ever enter a healthy relationship?).
You are correct about the minimal conflict; I don't think that's unreasonable for a slice of life story. If you didn't find the comedy funny (you wouldn't be the first), then I can understand why the story might not feel interesting; it's the only thing really occupying the reader until the ending, and then said ending is heavily dependent on reader input.
Even though you didn't enjoy it, thank you very much for taking the time to read it all, and to leave a comment explaining your thoughts; it really does help me learn for the next thing I write.
(Perhaps my main mistake was not leading the reader enough? Open-ended is fine, but maybe I made it too open-ended.)
Sorry, I usually try to be more descriptive with my short story impressions, but this was one of the instances where I really didn't know what to say. For me this story just didn't go anywhere. I was aware that Twilight's dialogue could be constructed as her being like "hey, over here!", but that didn't seem to be framed as a part of the narrative, it was just there. I was left with the impression that Fluttershy didn't learn anything, because it seemed like she just replaced one fantasy with another.
The comedy seemed to center around: Fluttershy gets lost in her mind. Ponies snap her out and she is embarrassed. Also fantasy and real life != the same.
I don't think that "Slice of life" should be a synonym for "nothing happens". There wasn't a point to this story, it started with the characters in a particular state and by the end basically nothing had really changed. Of the top of my head, I can remember a story by Cold in Gardez called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Monsters". It's a slice of life story centered around Fluttershy, but it does have an emotional arc, and the character has experienced something worth telling a story about by the end.
Still, this is just me going off about my personal tastes. I just didn't want to leave an empty downvote without some comment. I feel that stories should be about something. They can be about an emotional experience, or about learning something, or about changing in some way, or a million other things. They can also be purely visceral, or wacky, but when I read a story, I'm interested in hearing what the author wants to convey. For me, this was an empty story. An open-ended finale should ideally make the reader wonder about the story and rack their brain about how the events would continue, but here there is no conflict for us to ponder about. Some things happened. Then other things happened. Then the story ended.
2834350
I wouldn't say nothing changes. At the beginning Fluttershy spends all her time in an unproductive escapist fantasy. At the end she implicitly acts on her fantasy (or plans to). A proactive response versus a passive one is character development; even if it is not that extreme, and even if she still idealizes romance, something did change. (And in the original song, the protagonist actively rejects the truth and chooses escapism. I didn't want to take that direction.)
To me that is what slice of life truly conveys; subtlety and incremental changes. Lessons build up over time. Romance is complex and slow.
As I said earlier, it doesn't surprise me that people disliked this story; addressing those ideas in a one-shot that is less than 4000 words may not have been the best idea. I didn't want to railroad the reader, but not leading them enough causes its own problems. I didn't want to do any extra scenes since it would have been repetitive (be they with Keen Eye or Twilight), but their absence means the reader can't extrapolate as much (and they don't have any of my personal experiences or story knowledge to fill in the gaps).
Hopefully these explanations don't come off as too defensive, because I really do consider all these critiques when I settle down to write new things.
Okay, I'm not going to read this (only because F/F shipping just isn't my thing), but I'm going to like it on the fact that its based off a song by one of my favorite bands, The Who
We don't get enough fics based off their music, or classic rock in general, so I'm happy to see one out there, even if its not my preferred shipping.
2892873
Another of my stories, I Am Not the Actor, is inspired by Quadrophenia.
I regret nothing, because The Who is one of the best bands ever.
2893218 EPIC.
I still await a fic inspired by Behind Blue Eyes
2893235
Please tell me you're talking about the song by Limp Bizkit.
2893790 NO.
The REAL song was recorded in 1971 by British rock band The Who, for their album Who's Next.
Limp Bizkt did a crappy cover version in 2004 or something and totally ruined it by have a freakin' Speak-and-Spell chant the bands name during the Middle 8.
2894043
Listen I knew it was made by The Who (Thanks dad!) but I just liked the Limp Bizkit one better, and that's why I said but I just talking about the song in general, cover or not.
2894163 Then yes that is the song.
I apologize, I just really get peeved when people think a modern band covered a classic rock song. Not because I hate modern music (love me Adele, Owl City, Muse, etc), but more because all somebody has to do is Google the freaking song and at least have the courtisty to give credit to the guys who wrote the original.
Also, and this is just my opinion, Limp Bizkit SUCKS. And really the thing that pissed me off about their cover version is because they had the aforementioned Speak-and-Spell interlude chanting the band's name like a bunch of self-righteous jerks. At least The Who, Beatles and such didn't go screaming their name in their own songs...especally with a toy meant for TODDLERS.
2894332
Trust me I understand where you're coming from! And I feel stupid for not mentioning them, i hate it when I to do that! And I'll be honest I kinda hate Limp Bizkit too. I mostly listen to stuff like Lynyrd Skynyrd, Dio, Metallica, Pink Floyd, Ect. So when heard Limp Bizkit I was like i.imgur.com/fZKGA5n.gif
2894393 Dio is awesome!
Good story.
2475881Your picture... It means the apocalypse.
2895235 Yep.
I was hoping for it to go well and be perfectly normal just so that I could say "Well, that was anticlimactic!" Either way this was a nice story. Fluttershy seems more like a hopeless romantic in this story than what she is in the show. She was almost Rarity to me. Also, I was hoping that Fluttershy would pick up on Twilight`s hints.