Norse legends tell of men sacrificing bears and bulls to unicorns to keep them from devouring human villages. Pre-equestrian legends tell of a cunning prey prized by unicorn royalty. A holiday fast, commemorating the defense of the wishing star from changeling armies, sharpens Rarity and Twilight Sparkle's appetites just as some very lost Bronycon attendees crash out of the Everfree Forest. Rainbow Dash finds herself wrenched apart by conflicting loyalties. Fluttershy gains, and loses, a pet. Applejack relates to somebody. Spike will execute a cunning scheme, but finds himself torn between the two unicorns that matter the most to him. Pinkie Pie explains why "Cupcakes" is a silly fanfic and tries to quell bloodlust with pineapple inside-out cake.
Friendships will be tested. Hearts will be broken. Secrets will be revealed. Also, magic kindergarten.
When humans come to Equestria, it's not the ponies that should be afraid.
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Edit: There you go
sounds interesting, go on
nice chapter.
is it me or are copperheads cyborgsnakes?
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I created them in the spirit of the MLP pun-based magical animals, like quarray eels, timber wolves, and fruit bats. =o
I came for the Twilight Zone Reference on the cover art.
An interesting start to a look at pre Equestrian history.
I liked the idea that only the unicorns needed to eat meat - idea could be that they need the extra energy that meat can provide to power magic.
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Thank you for the thoughtful comment. ^_^ I figured it'd also make sense for ancient unicorns to have a secondary food source, with Earth Ponies cornering the food-growing market.
Huh, why is the green bar so small, this story isn't that bad.
I'm seen shitty selfinserts with more likes.. and that is a damn shame.
Why so many down-votes? What you have so far is well-written... at least far better than fanfiction is expected to be!
Anyway, interesting concept, decent execution... this is worth a watch, and while I usually wait until a story is done to vote, I'll do my part to counteract that unfair ratio!
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Thank yah kindly. ^_^ Glad to see the story pleases you.
I'm very puzzled myself, because none of the down-voters have bothered to leave a comment. :( I'm okay with constructive criticism, bronies, but I'd like to know what it is that ya'll dislike!
How else can I improve?
So...what is there to hate about this fic, dood?
I found the first chapter of the story hilarious, and actually look forward to seeing dem bronies getting eaten by their unicorn overlords, dood.
Makes me glad that prinnies taste like old boots deep fried in minotaur piss, dood. (I know what that tastes like since I have eaten a prinny...namely myself for spilling tea on a rich demon's crotch, AND three weeks later I was forced to eat a old boot that was deep fried in minotaur piss cause the chef was curious if minotaur piss could be a substitute for teriyaki sauce, dood) Netherworld Info, HO Dood
Nice setups so far. Not quite sure where all the downvotes are comming from. Maybe people are just assuming that Twilight and Rarity are about to go on a canablistic spree through Ponyville.
There were a couple of things in chapter 2 that seemed a little odd like why did Applejack eat the psycadellic seeds if she knew that she wasn't meant to. It could be made clearer if the seeds are giving her temp psychic powers as it sounds like.
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I tried to convey that the seeds are a magical component used to make illusions, but have hallucinogenic side effects if ingested. So, she managed to scare off the copperheads with an illusionary mongoose, but she ended up seeing evil clouds and feeling imaginary spiders under her skin. What do you think would convey that?
Not sure where all the hate is coming from... I've given it a quick over and it looks solid and I'm kinda interested in it... my two thoughts on WHY would be people were expecting basically a "Cupcakes" thing and aren't happy or, just the idea of these guys eating meat is off putting to them... to the point where they're willing to downvote... also I'm sure someone downvoted from just the "gore" tag... same with the "human" one. They just say it and went "BOOM! ...down vote" just because they hate 'em that much that they don't bother giving it a chance... of course there could be other reasons but those were the few that just popped into my head... right... aways... I'm going to get around to actually reading this (not skimming it) tomorrow!
Promise!!
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A short description of how the seeds work when you mention Zecora telling Applejack not to eat them would help. Not that it is my place to tell you how to write your story.
E.G.
Have some errors. Ctrl+f to skip right to the places in question.
From chapter 1:
Even though we were supposed to, you mean?
From chapter 2:
Fluctuations, you mean. Though with Zecora, "disturbances" might be a better term.
From chapter 3:
I get the feeling that the linebreak here was unintentional; it certainly looks out of place.
You really grabbed my attention with the detailed quasi-religious ceremony. You've earned my viewership, and I wish you the best of luck in keeping it. It's too bad about all those downvotes though; most of them probably didn't even bother reading past the synopsis, if they didn't just stop at the title and story image.
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Thank ya kindly.
I've tidied up those typos now. "Thaumic fluxuations" is really a more Twilight Sparkle-y way of putting it, and "disturbances" sounds better for Zecora's dialogue.
I'm glad you liked the Hopestar Night ceremony, and I endeavor to live up to your interest in my story.
Part of me really wants to know how all this is going to end up. The other part of me is just a bit afraid to find out...
Erm, did you publish this by accident? Between the more frequent than normal errors, short length, and inconsistency with previous chapters in the use of linebreaks, I'm given the impression that this is just a draft.
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Whoops! I forgot to fix the spacing when I transferred this chapter. As for the length, I recently discovered that I could post smaller chapters on here. I'd previously been doubling them up to meet the 1k word length requirement.
2176353 the 1k requirment is only for when submitting a story for moderation. Individual chapters can be any length.
I sense trouble brewing when Applejack mentions this to Twilight and Rarity.
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Huh. I kinda prefer the longer length, gives me more time to get immersed, but I guess that explains it.
On the topic of the chapter itself, my initial reading had me under the belief that Applejack was still suffering from hallucinations, and that the crampt and error-prone text was made to emphasize that, though that didn't really pan out. You've done enough to make the point that this human is going to just be straight up-front about his knowledge from fiction; since you stopped the chapter right as he began that explanation, I get the impression that you plan on skipping over the explicit discussion of that topic, and I'm oddly okay with this.
Maybe it's just the giant stack of HiE fics I've already read leaving me bored with that inevitable explanation scene, or maybe it's more that as a brony I don't actually need any exposition about why a human would know Applejack by name without meeting her(durr), but I find myself thinking that using an outside(literally, outside the barn) perspective on the reaction instead of showing the scene itself would be way more worthwhile and fun. Somebody probably disagrees with me on that though, I dunno.
I ahve to say...so far so good, dood. But I'm sure I'm not alone when I ask... more please? I read the first 600 words, blinked and found out I was at the end and was filled with dread that I have to wait till the next update, dood.
FORGOT TO FAV THIS, DAMMIT, DOOD..... sorry.
This is brilliant. In fact it's disturbing how much sense this is making.
I'm hooked
Okay, so all I can say is... NOMNOMNOM!
It's not really a mistake per-say, but "in their tables of contents" would probably work better here.
This one meanwhile is just garden variety apostrophe misuse. You should probably fix this before Bob the Angry Flower makes it to your house.
At the end, Reiko takes out a Rainbow Dash plushie, and the two of them seem to act as though she had used it to bribe Scootaloo despite not saying anything about giving it to her. If she actually is bribing Scootaloo, you should probably make that more explicit, whether in the dialogue or in the narration if you wanted the proposed exchange to be silent.
So with human number one dressed in vaguely described clothing(but obviously crazy or out there in some regard) about to meet rarity, I have to wonder what the reaction will be; shock and horror at her species with appreciation of what she's wearing, or shock and horror to both as is probably more likely?
Oh, Celestia. I didn't realize what Lyra's (fanon) obsession with humans would mean in this story--if she is that way in this story--until you mentioned her name... Now I have an even worse feeling than I had before!
Belle.
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Made the changes you suggested. Thanks for the crit, and I hope the Reiko-Rarity encounter lives up to your expectations.
Poor naive Spike. Honestly he sounds like a bit of a jerk if he can't tell what Sweetie Belle wants.
It's so awesome a girl is one of the unlucky bronies in this story. I hope her friendship with Scoots will keep her safe.
Okay the set up is nearly done, and now I'm more worried about the unicorns finding the bronies and trying to eat them.
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Aye, it's my attempt at a bit of hypocritical humor reflecting his relationship with Rarity.
I honestly don't care if these bronies get eaten. They're sort of annoying anyways.
Before, I had sort of a "omg they cant jus et hums nd gt awy with it" issue, but I realized how often those shitty self-insert HiE fics use the whole "IF YOU DON'T SHUT DA FAQ UP IM GONNA EAT U" thing.
Great fic, keep it up.
Only errors I caught this time were random instances of accidental double space. Ctrl+F will show you all of them quickly.
So Sweetie Belle has the hots for Spike, and he's oblivious to it? I get the feeling that this is actually a really common addition in fanfiction, but this is the first time I've seen or heard of it. I like it!
So far I am enjoying the premise behind it, as well as its direction. I hope to see more of its like in the future. :3 Grim, though it may be its' still fairly tame compared to most other works.
A drum roll.
A drum roll... Talk about "mood dissonance"--Scootaloo should be playing something a lot more ominous than that! (If only she knew!)
The plot begins for Reiko now, so I'm wondering how she will get out of this.
Daisy Use Attract.
It turned out to be lethal.
Jamal fainted.
Ha! At first I thought he had bovinophobia, with his reaction and all. But, it makes more sense that he was just shocked to the whole talking cow thing
I really hope he doesn't tell Applejack what he serves in his job, I don't think her cow friends would be pleased
double space
PIe.
as raising a barn might read better.
Wait, so Scootaloo is showing Reiko to Rarity out in the open, even after they went through the trouble to keep her hidden while in transit? That's weird if it's intentional by all parties, but I imagine it's the result of Scootaloo getting ahead of herself before Reiko realized what was happening. Can't wait to see what happens next.
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Thank you again, my attentive line-editor. :)
The idea is that Scootaloo just wants to show off Reiko to Rarity alone, rather than trotting her through all of ponyville. One-on-one is easier to deal with than the flower trio starting a panic at the sight of something unexpected.
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What happens next is brutal and terrifying slaughter and bumsex to our poor Reiko.
>retro-phrenology
Retro-phrenology.
NOTICE: trying to gag and laugh at the same time could be harmful to your health.
2188877 Well they're all boned, it was nice knowing them.
Oh Daisy!
...Huh.
So it begins.
Oh no it looks like Reiko has figured out what Rarity really wants to do with her and now ever since I've watched this Dragon's Lair like game (which gameplay starts at 6:00 and you start controlling the human, Lance, at 6:20)
I feel like wanting to make a game where bronies have to run away from ponies trying to do bad things to him, like what Rarity is trying to do with Reiko right now. With all kinds of hilarious "We caught you/game over" moments when the ponies get them (well more like they drag them back to their home to do whatever horrible thing they were planning to do with them).
Anyway I really hope that Reiko will escape safely and hopefully turn both Twilight's and Rarity's mind about eating humans.
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I actually have to credit that idea to Terry Pratchett. It appears in his novel "Men at Arms".
It may have been brought up already, but I had a scary thought. If unicorns eat humans, then what about Alicorns? Anyway, this fic looks promising, looking forward to seeing more.