//------------------------------// // Magic Kindergarten // Story: To Serve Bronies // by Fuzzy Necromancer //------------------------------// "Alright my little ponies," Sour Pickle said in a grim, stern voice. The instructing nun from the Celestia's Church of Light Magic was a serious-faced pale-green no-nonsense unicorn. Her cutie mark was a ruler striking against an unprotected forleg. "Try to remember the three Cs of magic, and focus on a simple light spell or levitation. Nopony had better attempt anything fancy like magic missiles or apple-to-orange transmutation. No amount of show-off frills in the world will give you a chance if you can't manage your basics." "Yes Ms. Pickle," Ruby Pinch chorused with the rest of the class. She wondered why Sour Pickle looked grumpy all the time. Was it because she never had any fun as a little filly, and so she thought other children shouldn't have fun? Maybe she got her love sucked out by a changeling with a straw! Or maybe she just needed a hug?" "And don't you try exploring possible backstories for me. I've been dealing with rebellious inattentive children for a long time and I don't need to explain my behavior. Now, concentrate on your studies while I check up on the older grades. May Celestia bless your efforts." "Thank you Ms. Pickle," the class chorused. Ruby Pinch tried to imagine the lemon in front of her lifting up into the air. It was hard to focus on magic because Sour Pickle had made the remedial class sit keep sitting straight through lunch. By now even the sour little fruit looked delicious. Nothing happened, as usual. She visualized a pair of pale pink tendrils, felt the power flowing from her horn down to the lemon, and saw the air as a series of interconnected objects. This time, she really did fill the power welling up inside her horn. She hummed the Paean to Our Divine Princess. Her horn pulsed. The magical potential vibrated inside her. She forced the lemon up towards the ceiling. The lemon twitched. Then it turned into a lime. "Uurrrgh, I'm sooo bored!" Ruby Pinch wailed. "I wish something would happen already!" "Be quiet, I'm trying to concentrate!" Sweetie Belle squealed. "Sssh!" Light Spinner hissed, causing his horn to lose it's dim flicker. "Now look what you made me do?" Sweetie Belle opened her mouth to respond, looked around, then sighed. She closed her eyes and screwed up her face in an expression of either extreme concentration or failing toilet-training. Ruby Pinch turned back to her lime. At least it was a result, which as better than nothing. A distant scream disturbed her thoughts. She tried to concentrate on the lime again, but a loud thing smacked against the roof. Ruby Pinch looked up. A crawling creature covered in shiny black clothes, full of metal spikes and studs, flipped open the skylight. Its face trembled with fear and pain. It dived in to crash against a pile of pillows. "Rarity's a zombie!" It screamed. Most of Ruby's classmates backed away from the blood-spurting monster with far more fear than they'd show to a zombie. Cyan Swirl and Daisy Chain actually screamed, while Bright Night burst into tears. Twilight Sparkle had given a lecture once explaining how, even if zombie ponies were real, they'd never spread fast enough to become an epidemic. "My big sister is NOT a zombie!" Sweetie Belle said, her voice squeaking with anger. "You take that back!" "No, I'm pretty sure she is," the monster said. "She just tried to eat me!" Sweetie Belle trotted up to it while the other students cowered. "Maybe it was just a changeling?" she said, looking uneasy. "We ran into some of those after the canterlot wedding." "I guess?" the monster said. A little bit of relief showed in its eyes. What Ruby Pinch saw was a very frightened being full of hurt. She knew one way to help with that. The creature was babbling about Rarity becoming a perfectly-preserved, gorgeous, talking zombie and trying to eat her alive. Ruby Pinch hurried over to its side and hugged it around its big chubby leg. "It's okay pointy black monster," Ruby said in a lullaby voice. She hugged tight. "Don't worry. You're safe now." Her friends and classmates grew a little less wary. "That's such a cool mane," Sweetie Belle said in awe. "What's that delicious smell?" Dinky Doo said, wiping away drool. There was something incredibly tasty in the room, but Ruby didn't notice it until some hot salty blood splashed on her face from the creature's ear. It tasted really, really good. Her tummy rumbled. Her classmates were all looking funny at the monster. Snails leaned his long neck in close and flared his nostrils. "Heey, you're not so scary. You smell like grilled cheese!" Snails hollered, and then almost fell over in a fit of loud, braying laughter. He wasn't exactly right. She smelt much, much better than grilled cheese. Sweat rolled down the creature's skin. It smelled more and more appetizing. A sharp, itching ache, like teething pains only worse, pulsed through her jaws. Acid ripped into her guts. She felt as if she hadn't eaten for days. She squeezed a little tighter and kissed a hole in the creature's black legging. It tasted even better. Her classmates started edging closer. Maybe she wouldn't mind just one little bite. Mommy explained that sometimes, when ponies like each other very much, they give little love-bites, and that was why she'd come back from the rent-stables and night clubs with scars and teeth marks on her flank. "Don't worry," Ruby Pinch said. Turquoise Gleam sidled up near the creature. Snails leaned over and nibbled her foot. The creature screamed and kicked him so hard he hit the wall flying. Snails tried to yell out in pain, but the wind had been knocked out of him, or something worse. He just wheezed and flapped his bleeding jaw. Ruby Pinch felt scared. "Um, may I please have a taste?" she said, giving her best snuggleable smile, the kind that made mommy go fetch smelling salts. The monster's eyes went out of focus. It nodded absently, looking at all the other unicorns. Ruby Pinch leaned over and took a tiny little nip that tasted better than every single candy in sugarcube corner. She tried to make it a very small bite. The creature screamed. Sweetie Belle jumped up and sunk her teeth into a patch of exposed flabby tummy. The creature ripped her off and flung her against the wall. Sweetie fired a very weak magic missile against it. Ruby clung on as tight as she could. Maybe she would share with her friends, but she wanted to get the best parts. Dinky Doo tore a big chunk off the soft arm, exposing muscle underneath and spraying her face with more savory blood. The monster unbuckled its belt and swung it around like a whip. It flailed and bonked Ruby really hard against the wall. Ruby let go and screamed. Stars of purple pain burst in her eyes. Black spots flickered around. There were no words in her head, only more agony. "I'm sorry! Sorry sorry sorry!" the creature wailed. It reached towards her, but then jerked back and fled down the hall. Pinchy tried to grab it with a telekinetic bolt, but only succeeded in making some flowers sprout out of its round tasty backside. A few other fillies and foals launched their spells, and the combined magical fusion turned one arm scaly, added a vestigial wing, made the human's skin bright purple, and caused it to sprout an extra arm from its side before it got out of range. # Spike looked at the cherry liqueurs in his hands. What could he say to Sweetie Belle so she'd back off and stop being weird, but that wouldn't hurt his feelings? Since he came to ponyville, he felt he'd learned a lot about considering the consequences of his actions. Of course, sometimes he had to learn those lessons more than once. The back door of magic kindergarten was flung open. A bleeding, screaming monster bowled him over, interrupting his introspection. "Spike!" it squealed. It waved one scaly claw frantically, slammed the door shut with the other claw, and picked him up with a third blunt-clawed arm. "You gotta help me man! There's a bunch of crazy cannibalistic unicorns trying to eat me alive!" "J-just let me go and don't eat ME!" Spike whimpered. Why was this crazy bloody abomination harassing him? "I won't eat you!" it roared. "I'm just a human." "Human?" Spike goggled. It didn't look like the drawings he'd seen in Twilight Sparkle's books. He couldn’t possibly be this lucky. The creature looked down at its scales and extra limb. "Well, I appreciate the fact doesn't stand out at this moment, but let's see how you look after being hit with a barrage of amateur magic." Spike's thoughts scattered. He imagined Rarity falling head over hooves in love with little Spikey-wikey, leading a whole live human home to her. Then he imagined Twilight Sparkle saying how proud she was of him, all grown up and ready to get his own house, and clearly having learned everything she taught him about the magic of friendship. He trembled. He felt like his heart was being torn in two. "Wait a sec. You're a dragon, right?" the human snapped, breaking him out of his reverie. "Uh, yeah, Spike the dragon. How do you know mmmtth!" The human yanked out his tongue and held it firmly. "I want to test something." It dragged his tongue across its skin, then let go. Spike retracted his tongue and started gagging. It was so oily and bitter. How could unicorns stand this stuff? "Gross-tastic! What did you do that for?" The human sighed with relief and wiped one hand across its sweaty, bloody brow. It yanked a clear box with a red cross out of its backpack and started dressing its gushing, raw, gristly wounds. Pain flickered in its eyes, but it struggled not to cry out. The hungry cries of fillies and foals echoed from inside the building. The human yanked him into the underbrush. "Please help me, Spike. They can smell blood. I don't know why but everypony except Scootaloo wants to devour me alive!" "Don't worry," Spike said, patting her meaty side. He could probably get more than a day's food for either pony out of those thick sides. He felt like his heart was being cut in two. Suddenly, Spike got a wonderfully grinchy idea. "It's okay human. I'll take you somewhere safe…"