To Serve Bronies

by Fuzzy Necromancer

A Taste of Humanity

Rarity opened her mouth to ask Scootaloo what she meant. The cloud parted. Her mouth stayed open as the question shriveled in her throat.

It was a strange creature in even stranger clothes. It smelled incredible. The awkward shape looked eerily familiar, but her attention focused on the outfit.

She couldn't help it. The outfit demanded attention. She'd never seen black so shiny. There were so many straps and spikes and studs. It had a hint of diamond dog aesthetic about the collar and belt, if such a vulgar description could be applied to this streamlined suit of venomous elegance. Touches of white and sparkling frost-blue provided some relief for the eye and silver studs added to the impression of stars in the void. The black jacket should have outlined every curve of the upper body, but instead it only obscured it. That left the obsidian slacks with subtle hints of midnight purple to settle tightly around rounded flank and wide thighs. Her inspection ended with silver boots that not even Applejack would dare to scuff, emblazoned on the side with Rarity's own cutie mark.

Rarity raised a hoof.

"Excuse me."

She summoned up her fainting couch and collapsed onto it. "Oh my Celestia, what…where did you get that ensemble? Do they make it for ponies?"

The creature seemed almost as surprised as her. It gaped and stammered. The creature rose to its two legs, unbalanced by any tail or wings, and then staggered backwards. It banged its leg on the wagon, then waved its arms wildly but managed not to fall over. It's taupe skin went a little pinker.

"Um, no. They don't make it for ponies. Rarity," its voice trailed off into an embarrassed squeak.

The creature's breathing increased. It hesitantly touched its mane. How had she failed to notice the mane? Spikes of emerald green shot out against blue-edged black, curling and twisting. It seemed physically impossible. She wanted to reach up and touch a hoof against it, but that might ruin the coiffure.

The silence stretched out. It was harder to recognize on the narrower features and ungainly body, but the creature seemed to be trembling with a combination of stage fright and bedazzled elation. Where did that material come from? It looked so form-fitting, yet pliant. Mind, it didn't look terribly breathable. The poor thing was sweating like racehorse. Instead of stink, the air filled with an aroma liked a royal dessert trolley.

"I'm so pleased to meet you, ah," Rarity said, extending a hoof, "What was your name?"

"Name?" The creature squeaked.

"This is Reiko Yakamoto, but she wants you to just call her Reiko. She's a brony from New Jersey." Scootaloo volunteered.

"Well, Ms. Reiko, I'm flattered to hear that word of my humble establishment has reached all the way to New Jersey." She hadn't even heard of that town. Where there more creatures like her there? Why would bipeds take an interest in equine fashions? And where was that tantalizing aroma wafting in from? "I'm honored and delighted to make your acquaintance," she said, pressing her hoof into Reiko's claw. "And in addition to your fantastic hair and lovely outfit, I must say that whatever perfume you're wearing is utterly ravishing."

Reiko gripped her hoof limply and tried to shake. Her almond eyes went out of focus and she started swaying.

"M-mind if I borrow that?" Reiko said, in a forced, casual tone.

Without further comment she went rigid as a board and toppled face-first into Rarity's fainting couch.

"I just landed on Rarity's drama couch! This is amazing," the creature mumbled.

"And, are there many fans of my fashions there?" Rarity said. Maybe the sun was getting to her. All that black would heat up fast. Rarity's stomach growled. Brunch seemed a very long time ago. "Maybe I could set up a mail-order service?" The creature's pants looked a little strained at the edges. Maybe it was the unusual position. She could certainly see why slacks hadn't really caught on in quadruped fashion circles.

"Oh, you can't mail-order there," Scootaloo said. "She's from a whole other world and she popped up in the Everfree forest, only there, they know about us because of a not-magic story box that showed them the time when Rainbow Dash saved you from plummeting to your death and-"

Scootaloo broke into a barely-coherent ramble about some machine, and the creatures of Earth, with many digressions about Rainbow Dash's personal history or the amazing exploits that had been left out of this "show." Rarity looked at the creature with incredulity.

Reiko rose out of the couch, wiping her face and rubbing her eyes, nodding at Scootaloo's comments and popping in to correct her. It was a bit hard to follow until she said the magic word.

"And there's like, over six billion humans there! Can you imagine it, lots of two-legged, tailless creatures that wear clothes almost all the time, ruling the world and living in buildings taller than Celestia's castle?" Scootaloo said, fluttering with excitement.

Rarity's stomach growled again. She wiped her handkerchief across her mouth. It was saturated with drool. Above all, she shouldn't act on instinct. Humans could be dangerous when threatened. Approach slowly and don't do anything to startle it.

"Oh, really? You're a human. Why darling, I had no idea there were still--that humans even existed." She trotted a few steps closer and hid behind her mane, in case the desperate need in her eyes showed up. She had to control herself. One couldn't win a hall of suitors with some gristle and soup bones. She needed patience and willpower. This wouldn't be a repeat of the incident on the friendship express with the Cake family's cake.

"Well, I didn't know unicorns existed until today," Reiko said. She laughed awkwardly, and her midsection jiggled like golden flan. That frame practically overflowed with good meat, especially around the haunch portions.

Rarity drew closer. "Do you mind if I, mm, just touch you a bit? To prove you're real?" She kept her voice soothing. It was the same tone that lulled Opal into a false sense of security before a tick bath.

"Sure, go ahead," Reiko said in a faraway voice.

Rarity poked the soft flesh. It wiggled, but there was a fair amount of tough muscle concealed under there. Oh well, it was still a prize find. Who would have thought that wishing on a star really worked?

"Um, c-c-could I..." the creature stammered and bit its lip. It adjusted its collar and wiped more sweat away from its face. "I mean, I really hope you don't think I'm being too forward, or embarrassing, or uncouth, and I'll totally understand if you say no, but, It's just," the voice cracked, squeaked, "I'd really like to--this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me," it dwindled to a barely audible whisper, "may I hug you?"

Rarity laughed out loud. This was just too good to possibly be true. She prayed to Celestia that nothing would cause the human to take fright. "Why of course darling," she said, dialing up the charm. "How could I resist such a humble request?"

Scootaloo made a gagging sound. "Will you just pay me so I can get out of here?"

Reiko flinched and turned around. She looked embarrassed, and annoyed, and a bit ready to bolt. If it was a pony, the human would be rearing up right now.

"Right, sorry. I forgot." The human reached its backpack and tossed Scootaloo a necklace medallion, an articulated-joint doll, a pillowcase, and a translucent crystal-like object, all in the likeness of Rainbow Dash. Humans were really clever with tools, but the legends had never suggested this extent of skill. Rarity would have to ask Twilight Sparkle about it later.

"I'm just going off into these bushes to be really tough and stoic, and not play house with these," Scootaloo said loudly. She dived into the underbrush with her loot, leaving the wagon and scooter behind.

Rarity chuckled and the human laughed along with her.

"So, how about that hug?" Rarity said. She forced herself not to lick her lips.

The human hesitantly wrapped its claws around her. She reached up and rested her front legs on its shoulders and nuzzled its neck. The human blushed even more and shifted uncomfortably. Its breathing became fast and shallow. Careful Rarity, don't startle it. Find something to keep it engaged.

"My, what exotic earrings you have," Rarity said, sizing up the broad bright-green hoops in its lobes. "Do all two-legged humans have ears like that?"

"Well, they don't come with holes, and even when they get holes you have to work a while to make them that big," the creature babbled. "I'm really into body modification."

"Mm, darling, you smell absolutely divine," Rarity whispered, leaning in closer. The human turned very pink, and she could feel heat coming of its face. Nervousness and excitement distorted its expression. Sweat dropped off its brow onto her lips. She dabbed it away from her mouth, but not before tasting a zesty edge. It hinted of an amazing flavor.

"Oh dear, you seem a little nervous. Is everything okay?" Rarity cooed, levitating her handkerchief to wipe the human's brow. Keep it comfortable. Keep it from tensing up.

"Really. I could die happy now," the human sighed, squeezing her tighter.

"I simply must have a closer look at your earrings, " Rarity said, still in a soothing tone. Her own breath grew a little ragged with excitement, and the human squirmed a little as she panted into its ear.

Maybe she could afford just a little taste. It couldn't hurt. She had the quarry in her clutches right now. She wouldn't bite, she'd just sample it.

Rarity touched the very tip of her tongue against its earlobe. The taste rocketed down her spine.

It was sharp and zesty, savory and refined. It was like a very sharp aged Gouda, washed down with a sixty-year-old wine, and garnished with the daintiest sprigs of snowdrop buds and a hint of rose hip. If crème brulee became a little darker, and not so rich…

Descriptions of gourmet meals, real and imagined, flickered across Rarity's mind, but nothing could really come close. What it tasted like was two-legged deer, long pork, raw, human meat. It was the comfort food she never knew she'd been aching for. It was the lost favorite that she'd been missing and lamenting since the moment of her birth.

"This must be where the dream gets weird," the human mumbled, after a gasp and shudder. It didn't recoil or pull away.
Rarity's jaw wanted to unhinge and slide over the whole head. Her hooves wanted to shatter bones before it could run away. Her horn sizzled with the urge to transmute this creature into an array of mouth-sized bites as quickly as possible.
She breathed deep, clutched the human tight, and channeled all her powers of delicacy and restraint.

She couldn't resist closing her teeth on that little protruding bit of earlobe though.

The human's first impulse wasn't to run or fight back. It crammed its fist into its mouth to muffle a barely-audible howl of pain.

The blood that gushed into Rarity's mouth was richer than chocolate and tart as an almost-ripe pomegranate seed. The flesh invaded her taste buds with heartbreaking scrumptiousness. The texture pleased her even better. She furiously masticated the earlobe with a consistency approaching fine sautéed truffles. The human had started screaming and flailing in earnest, but Rarity could barely think or move. The transcendent culinary sensation overwhelmed her.

She recovered from the paralyzing delight as her stomachs roared for more. She looked up to see her banquet rolling away in Scootaloo's wagon. As soon as Rarity got to her feet, the human leapt into a tree. It swung forward, grabbed a branch and swung itself along with one claw, then repeated the stunt as it leapt to the next tree.

Rarity ran after it, but it had too much of a head start. Before she knew it the most delicious dish in Equestria had dived into the open window of Ponyville Magic Kindergarten.

Comments

[Gilgamesh King of Heroes]

2188877 Well they're all boned, it was nice knowing them.

[Rhulain]

...Huh.

[Seether00]

So it begins.

[Red Bomber]

Oh no it looks like Reiko has figured out what Rarity really wants to do with her and now ever since I've watched this Dragon's Lair like game (which gameplay starts at 6:00 and you start controlling the human, Lance, at 6:20)

I feel like wanting to make a game where bronies have to run away from ponies trying to do bad things to him, like what Rarity is trying to do with Reiko right now. With all kinds of hilarious "We caught you/game over" moments when the ponies get them (well more like they drag them back to their home to do whatever horrible thing they were planning to do with them).

Anyway I really hope that Reiko will escape safely and hopefully turn both Twilight's and Rarity's mind about eating humans.

[Fuzzy Necromancer]

2233097
I actually have to credit that idea to Terry Pratchett. It appears in his novel "Men at Arms".

[NovaZ]

It may have been brought up already, but I had a scary thought. If unicorns eat humans, then what about Alicorns? Anyway, this fic looks promising, looking forward to seeing more.

[Mr AJ]

2239036 I was wondering the same thing.

[Nataniel]

damn. I feel weird now. i'm somewhat in-between "wtf are they going to eat a sapient being" and "go kick ass, bronys! show those tiny horrible flesh-eating horses that humanity can f*ck their shit all day, every day."

[Applejinx]

Oh my gosh. This is where I start giggling and can't stop...

[Operatorchan]

If only a military brony went. No chance.

[AliCentaur Br0ny]

Before she knew it the most delicious dish in Equestria had dived into the open window of Ponyville Magic Kindergarten.

Well, out of the frying pan and into the fir-no. No, she's going into a building full of unicorns; they won't wait that long, especially when they scent her blood.