• Member Since 21st Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen 7 minutes ago

Cold Spike


Best pony is REDACTED

T

He had it, everypony's dream. But what happens when fate delivers a blessing and a curse in the same breath? What is given is taken away, leaving one young colt to pick up the pieces. After the death of his father, he travels from town to town in search of answers and a way to repair his father's last gift to him. According to his out-dated map, the next stop in his journey was a small, unimportant town. A town by the name of Ponyville.
[Set Before Season 3]
Co Developed with the authors: Metal Pony Fan and theRedBrony
Editor: bahatumay
Credit to Fixing Original Concept Idea: theRedBrony

Credit for Story Art Goes To: Kyro King
Credit for Bonus Art Goes To: Metal Pony Fan

Chapters (20)
Comments ( 713 )

Phew this took forever to get out! :pinkiehappy:

Took us long enough :facehoof: :rainbowwild: 2975114

2975098 And it was worth every single word^^

Wooo! :yay::yay: Glad this is finally out! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

Thanks for the help on it too :pinkiehappy: 2975530

A downvote and no explanation? How can this be?! :pinkiegasp:

2975893

Downvotes are so stupid on this site.

A few points in the prologue had me wondering if you simply overlooked a couple thoughts that should of been italicized.

The Scootaloo scene was nice, but it seemed to cutoff abruptly. Why go out to practice tricks if you know you won't have time for even one? I suppose it can be chalked up to being young and being lost in her fun of flying through across the land on her scooter. Still, it felt like it was just barely a two minute interaction there. Might want to touch up that scene because it feels contradictory to her going there in the first place and leaves the taste of "Just to have them meet" sort of feel. Two ponies who can't fly for two various reasons.

Otherwise, decent story so far. I'll edit this as I finish reading the rest of the story. This however I felt was a pinch jarring, to me at least. Love the art in the prologue.

opened and shut i,

it

learned away from it.

Nice. I rarely see anyone ever use learned that way. If that was intended at least. Did you mean leaned away? Or more like he moved away from it as his experiences throughout his travels have made him weary of suspicious behaviors from adults? It works either way, one just might appear to be a typo to others, which it could as well been, though if intentional then well done on selling that fearful tone.

Durr, I'll stop rambling over small things now. :rainbowlaugh:

She didn’t like any adult he had ever met.

look like

Hey didn’t understand that I was, for the most part, lame.

They

Its been edited over and over and over and over silly :pinkiehappy: While that is a good point about Scootaloo's slip of the mind, keep in mind that she is a filly. 2976663

Um, nice catches and all. But anything you'd like to say about Feather? About the story? Find it odd that he knows so much for a colt or something? Anything other then grammar please? :pinkiehappy: Not to sound testy but finally someone comments and its... fixes. 2976859

Twilight’s horn lit up and an old pair of saddlebags drifted through the air towards Cheerilee.

This is going to cause much confusion if you don't find a way to differentiate between the saddlebags that was placed on Feather again, and still wearing as his next scene appears, with the saddlebags Twilight handed Cheerilee. Maybe make the parts he bought rip below his worn saddlebag and that bag scattered all over the floor.

Even re-reading the scenes it still comes out vague enough to appear like a contradiction in the story. Needs a slight touch up on the scene there. It might make sense for some that these are Twilight's old saddlebags, but there is no clear way of knowing up to this very point before he's given saddlebags again.
(NOTE: The above is merely my own opinion and not what I think you SHOULD do. Just how I felt during reading in which a scene appeared to jar or confuse. i.e. break me out of immersion/makes me ask distracting questions.)

Twilght

forgot the i.


I think my favorite moments were the ROSE scene talking all chatterboxy like the Rose from you know where, who held onto a certain POCKET WATCH that the Doc just seemed to think 'looked nice'. And the Pinkie Pie moments. She really is great in this story. The Twilight having certain issues as a child was interesting in a good way, it was a really nice addition to her character I think. But I certainly felt a sad coming on during the last couple Pinkie Pie scenes with Feather. You certainly caught Pinkie's character here. Looking forward to where that foreshadowing leads to with the two fillies appearing to have something up their proverbial sleeves.

Overall too early to judge, but certainly a fun tale so far. And apologies as I yet to view comments or respond, I tend not to when I'm in the midst of reading.

This is a super minor point. He has two saddlebags. One for his device and one for other things. We could mention it but I fail to see how it makes the story worse if we don't.

As for your comments, THANK YOU! SOMEONE COMMENTED! I think I'm going to go jump in my pool just because! :pinkiehappy: Seriously no one ever comments anymore :raritycry: And yes, sadly a lot of things are too early to judge in this story. Even if you read up to what we have. Thought you would certainly get a better picture. 2977165

2976943 Apologies, yes, any dweeb can nitpick over minor things. But I think I did state a few things already. As for Feather, I get that he's conflicted with a lot of issues of not being able to trust adults, and he seems very overly opinionated about stuff (Quills and Sofas), not wanting to steal but wanting to let us know he's still very much doing it as a means of survival while still showing he's beginning to lean more towards the jadedness of "It's just food. It's just a few bits." and so forth.

Perhaps a bit more showing and less telling I suppose. Being reminded not to dislike him for having to do what he has to do is one thing, and yes he doesn't trust adults I get that much. But nothing really bothered me too much.

Far as him 'knowing too much' for a colt/child? I can actually relate quite well to him. It isn't hard to believe being around a father that tinkers with machines who made a wing for his son's lost appendage, would teach him how to stay safe and how it works. He's what? 8-11? Plenty of time to learn how things work. Question is how long has he been on the road? Life on the streets tends to help a child grow up faster than one would normally give them credit for. I used to build full on lego city and various other 50-100 stuff all on my own at 5 and cleared Super Mario Brothers at the age of 4. No, I don't think he knows more than he should because we're all different and mature based on the experiences we acquire.

I guess, no I don't see anything too wrong at the moment.

Funny, the first few drafts of this story, people complained I did too much telling and not enough showing :facehoof: Or did you mean you want more showing? Cause if so that's just kind of my style and habit. Its not something that is going to break anytime soon I learned. But I'm glad to hear the other things! :pinkiehappy: 2977239

2977239 Hi, co-author here, you bring up a lot of good points, and I'm mentally kicking myself for not catching them before we posted.:facehoof: I'll be paying more attention to the subsequent chapters to avoid things like that.:twilightsmile: Thanks for reading though.

It is 15K words, there are bound to be mistakes :rainbowwild: 2980080

You know, I can relate to this story. He has to finish his wing to make everything right, but when he finishes the wing, what will he do? Overall, a great story so far! :moustache: you might want just want to make the thoughts separate from the paragraphs, like

Wordswordswordswords
Thoughtsthoughtsthoughts
Wordswordswordswordswords
Wordswordswordswordswords

Meh. Technically speaking having thoughts inside " and " is not grammatically incorrect. We didn't feel like our paragraphs were that long. Does it just read confusing to you? As for what he has planned ot do... seems like nuffin huh? 2980201

For some reason i find it funny how ponies with out electronics can make a prostecic able to acheve flight ( that is equal to giving a man a flying leg) :rainbowlaugh:

Who said they didn't have electronics? :rainbowwild: That's kind of up to debate. Also who said it runs on electricity? :rainbowderp::pinkiegasp: I guess you didn't technically but seems to be what you are implying lol. 2980909

This is really good so far! You've alluded to several things, all of which I'm quite curious about. Was Feather born with one wing, or did it happen in an accident? Is he really from Manehattan? His dad appears to be dead, but no mention has been made of his mom. Did she die when he was too young to remember? Did she leave? Augh!!! I want to know!!! Can't wait for the next installment, hopefully more will be explained! :pinkiehappy:

2980909

Wish I had a flying leg...

Glad I got someone hooked. You will find out most of those things eventually :rainbowwild: But yes he is really from Manehattan btw, figured that is harmless to reveal. 2981534

“Sure thing DOC.” A cream-colored earth pony mare with a reddish mane walked out from behind the curtain.
“First Pinkie, now you,” said the shopkeeper, shaking his head, “is my name really that hard to remember?” She gave him a smile as he headed off into the back of the shop. “Sorry, Time Turner.” She walked over to the counter and looked down at feather. “Hi there, I’m ROSEluck.

:rainbowhuh:

“That’s a neat watch, is it silver?”
Rose looked down at the pocketwatch around her neck. “I’m not sure.” She ran a hoof over it and nodded her head towards the back of the store. “It belongs to him, but most of the time he forgets it even exists, so I hold on to it for him.”
“Hold on to what?” The shopkeeper walked out from the curtain carrying a small part in his mouth.
“The watch,” said Rose.
He walked over to the counter and set the part down. He then looked at the watch around the mare’s neck. “Huh, nice watch.”

:rainbowderp:

Took me awhile to figure it out :facehoof:

I shall add this to "Read Later" considering how badass the OC looks.

I think that's how Spike's Nameless Brother ended up eventually becoming popular heh. I'll take what I can get though :rainbowwild: 2982053

Good story with an original plot! Love it!
:twilightsmile:

I really, really, really, REALLY Need MOAR!! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

Even though the next chapter is ready and even though I really want to release it now... I can't. We don't want to run out of chapters before the authors have finished making it. 2982573

2977223
It helps the audience to understand what you're saying, for one thing.
I may not have noticed all the details, but it seems as if Twilight gave Feather's saddlebags to Cheerilee, and then he had them again in the next scene.

Actually this was something my coauthor wrote and I forgot about. It was actually Twilight's saddlebag. I could change it, but just seems like nitpicking to me.. 2982830

The aspect that I find most fascinating about this story is one of the key aspects I enjoy about fiction in general: viewing a developed world that one has come to know and adore from a different perspective. Having a character go through a bit of culture shock can go a long way in driving a story forward and making for an interesting narrative. Normally, I find this element on FimFiction in stories where a human comes to Equestria or a pony travels through time. However, your story manages to incorporate this theme through the mind of a member of the same species of the same time period, and it works because the life he lived before clearly differs from the one we're familiar with from the show.

Unless I've misread something, I believe our main character's name matches the title, Feather Steel. He's an immature, mechanically-inclined loner from Manehattan who could power the invention that he obsessively wants to make functional with his undying cynicism if he could properly convert it. However, since he can't and the machine breaks down anyway, he has to find the replacement parts to fix it.

This is a good start. He has a definite goal, and we understand why he wants to complete it. We also have a potential scenario for failure in the form of the authorities catching him if his identity becomes known. This potential failure also adds a bit of mystery to the story since it hasn't yet been revealed if he's just delusional about the authorities or if he's actually wanted for a crime.

Conflict comes from two distinct areas: the friendly citizens of Ponyville and Feather's own distrust. Since they think he's just a new colt in town, he has to play that role while hiding his desire to grab his parts, maybe get some food, and leave in the dead of night without a word. Meanwhile, his paranoia that anyone and everyone is out to turn him in causes him to slip out of his innocent front at times, which he doesn't even seem to realize damages his ability to blend in more than anything else.

Now for the part where the true potential of this story comes in. We see this world and this story through the point of view of Feather and all his internal conflict, yet most people reading this story have an in-depth understanding of the world he's stepped into, i.e. Ponyville. You have a treasure trove of dramatic irony stashed away behind the scenes without doing anything more than creating Feather's character. The way I see it, the potential you have there is what really makes this story worth the read. Diamond Tiara's a little extra motivation.

Grammatically speaking, I noticed you have a tendency to comma splice. It's a little thing, but the fact that it recurs so much drew my attention to it.

That’s so sad, I’m glad you’re all better.

That looks like what Twilight was drinking, I wonder if it’s any good?

You ran off so suddenly, we were worried that-

You can divide each of these quotes into two independent sentences, but a comma is all that separates them where there should be a period or an additional conjunction. It's an easy fix. I just thought I'd make you aware for future reference.

From what I've seen, the biggest flaw, at least in my eyes, was the sudden shift in focus matter that took place during the second chapter. We have this sole focus on Feather trying not to get his secret exposed and get through this party, and then suddenly we have this big detour about disabilities. This in itself wouldn't be too jarring if not for the fact that we've spent the entire prologue and first few chapters inside Feather's head and he's made no reference to thinking like this about his handicap outside of regretting that he was unable to fly. At first, I thought his freak out was part of a ruse to leave the party without causing suspicion, but then we find him crying and hiding under the snack table. Even so, his thoughts revert back to his focus on survival and his parts almost immediately, as if he really didn't care that much to begin with, and he receives no words of comfort afterwards other than an apology. The issue itself felt like something very fitting to this story, but the significance it was given compared to how much it affected the plot made it really seem like an issue that should have been saved for later or at least led to some substantial character or story development.

I don't like to harp on specific quotes, but this one hurt.

Pinkie? The one pony I most want to avoid right now is the one that I can’t?

After you told us that Pinkie was the one who could fix his part, the irony tapped us on the shoulder and we noticed it. This quote was the equivalent of the irony writing its name across a sledgehammer and driving it into our skulls after it already got our attention. Just as a friendly suggestion, you might want to add a bit of subtlety to this line.

Good luck with your future ideas. I'll be standing by to see where you go from here. Let me know if you want some feedback on something specifically.

Make the most!

It's hard to find a good story like this.

Truely a great story, and not many of it's quality either. I can't wait for more of it!

This is amazeing. the wrighting and style is defently now one of my faverits. and the story is just such a new and unique idea, witch is hard to find now a days. and charcters are spot on. I liked the non timelourd doctor with the fob watch, i kinda want to see more of him because the idea to add the fob watch in like that so its not the 'doctor' its time turne, its prefect. but i also dont want the stort to be about him and want it to foces on feather. but i do want to see more of time turner and about the fob watch just not this story.

This seems... neat.

i love it!:pinkiehappy:

keep up the good work!


i might actually give this story a try. I usually don't read stories at all! But mechanical wing? Interesting. I had a story with a pony having a mechanical wing

Where were you on all of my stories when I published? Seriously amazing comment! 24.media.tumblr.com/dd039c8badd010d04404cee1ce9a971a/tumblr_mkv1o7CjXG1s0sz7go2_1280.png 2983415

Thank you everyone! And I know Metal Pony Fan appreciates it too! :pinkiehappy: 2984419 2983894 2983822 2983820 2983422

denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8502-1352369117665488.jpg Also I'm not calling you a bitch I just found the picture funny, sorry. 2985247

Absolutely hooked with this story! I can't wait until you release the rest of the story!

Fantastic writing you have here. I'll be sure to keep track of this story.

Ahm hooked. Must have more.

This is my second read through of this story because I wanted to make sure I didn't miss anything and I just realized that Feather Steel only has one wing... at least that's how I'm reading it.... If that is an intended part of this story I would add that detail to the prologue if it isn't already there... or make it clearer if its not intended in this story.... that is all I've noticed really... Great story so far! How often will you be adding chapters? I'm absolutely hooked with the storyline! Reply Please!

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